To not want my stepdaughter to ever return

[LastRemainingNerve]

Ok, I'm ranting but I'm at the point of cracking and here is a better place to rant than in the house...

My stepdaughter (16 yr old) has been here three weeks and I feel like she makes my life hell. She is only polite to me if she wants to go shopping. She things she should be constantly taken shopping. Last night she stood in a rage in the front room refusing to speak to me as I didn't take her to the shop (bank holiday and 8pm and she was bloody rude too). She banged the window and glared. Very rude to her brother when he tried to calm her (shut up, are you deaf-I said piss off etc)

I only 2 weeks ago took her shopping and bought her boots, a coat, a dress, a skirt and a top. She's had money for bits and bobs. She refusing to go to the shop alone and shouts she has no money (but when cleaning her room, which HAD to be done, I saw £95 in her underwear drawer). We're not rich at all here. I've also given her lovely clothes that I barely wore that are now too small for me (3 tops, a dress, jeans, jumper). She screamed to be taken shopping but has left the house without half this stuff, I've found it discarded in her room after she left.

I walked in the other day in the middle of the day (sick at work) to find her trying on my make-up, jewelry etc. and generally going down my stuff.

She does nothing round the house and is pretty unclean. Cleaning her room I chucked a bin bags worth of rubbish. She doesn't wash enough and if she doesn't use her special shampoo she gets dandruff so there are skin flakes everywhere. She sits on the sofa picking her skin and chucking it on the floor.

She used one of my notebooks as a diary and then left it on my desk. I opened it presuming it was mine and saw pages of bile about how I'm an idiot who gives her no money. Seems to have been left there to find really.

She picks on her (full) brother who is 13 and he's requested to move in with us permanently (said yes) and she's negligent if left in the care of her baby (half) brother.

She attempts to control the house, demands things to be done for her and is generally rude. I've started to say 'no' more this visit, especially concerning leaving the house without having to take her. Right down to actually poking me in the ribs and invading my personal space if displeased (I just remove her/ walk away. I've been out LOADS recently. I feel uncomfortable in my house)

She rings her mum if there's anything she dislikes and then mum shouts and swears on the phone and dh and I. She only phones when at home to demand money or moan about money. Woudln't even ring her dad on his birthday.

I'm starting to feel that at 16 (17 next month) she's a young woman and should know better than to behave like this. I feel like saying she's not welcome in my house anymore to stay (visits are long as she lives abroad). Her Dad has had enough too. Obviously should her attitude change I'd try again but I feel she's out to hurt and tear her us apart if she can. She doesn't like us, she makes that very clear and clear that she comes for expected material gain.

It's gone on for years, I've tried being nice, doing what she wants and I've in the past given her a lot of slack as she was only a child.

For the record I played no part in her parents break-up, I met her Dad when she was 10. Her parents never lived together, on-off teenage relationship. Her Dad has cared for her a lot as a child but as a teenager it's been mainly her mum (mainly for education and financial reasons, before I met her Dad she'd returned abroad). I presume I'm not a total cow as I've developed a very good relationship with her brother, who's asked to move in with us.

"I think she got this delightful behaviour from her mother" is light the blue touchpaper and retire stuff.

The daughter in question is the daughter of TWO parents (well, 2.5 given the father is now married to the OP). They are jointly responsible for her. Very, very, very dangerous indeed to suggest one party dumps all the blame for the 'problem child' on the other.

erm if it was your own dd tryin on your make up etc what would you think?

you know hoe 2 yr olds o throuh terrible twos, and we dont disown them at that point...

well this is similar teenae behaviour, they cant rasp the world doesnt revolve around them....

If was my own daughter trying on my make-up in the terrible twos- I'd put a child lock on the cupboard.

At 17 with all the other behaviour in that was destructive to her family-I don't know. I'd probably suggest time living with other extended family tbh.

I'm a bit dubious about the amount of blame heaped on my dh here. He's produced more than one child, and the other children have lovely characters and great relationships with him. If he was that bad surely ALL of them would have issues. He's not perfect, but I don't think his parenting is so way out that you could EXPECT a child like this.

Also I'm not sure it's typical. It's a massive extended family and not one other teenager behaves or has behaved this way nor have I met friends with these rpoblems.

Sorry if I came across as blaming your dp - wansn't the intention. More trying to say it's not your responsibility primarily/solely.

Hope today goes better.

Ban her from your home, do not have her in your life, she is a nasty vile person

She sounds like she doesn't like you or her Dad very much. It sounds like she's all 'rights and no responsibilities'. She can behave how she wants and expects people to let her.
Tell her what you've told us in a long letter and say she isn't welcome until she starts respecting other people.

I would not have anyone behaving like your sd in my house. If she cannot respect the rules she should not be coming.

I agree with NannyOgg. Set out the rules, let her know, in writing, what they are. If she doesn't agree with them she doesn't come visit. If she visits and breaks rules send her back, walk the walk.

She's not a child.

she sounds like she is very angry about something. maybe her dad needs to spend time with her alone and try to understand what is really going on, is she still hurting from her parents separating, does she feel abandoned? (jsut because you do not see it like that does not mean she won't) looks like she is pushing her dad to maybe leave again, prove herself right that is not worth staying around for. she is pushing you both to push her out, this is not how she should behave she is well aware of that

if she is picking up on her father not caring if their relationship ends how do you think that makes her feel, that must be so hurtful so she is trying to take charge and making him do it and prove herself right, do you really think she wants to be proved right. he needs to build bridges can he not spend time alone with her and talk things through

she sounds very sad and mixed up about something. maybe she needs more positive attention and TLC rather than material gain. Talk to her about how you all want to make things better and ask her what we can all do to move things on as you are all stcuk in a rut. Tell her all the poitive things you feel about her for a change. can you get you and your DH to do some things alone with her? Walks/swimming/beach visits/days out/board games/watch films together/have pamper sessions etc. You can have fun and try to build a more positive relationship. In relation to money - why not just give her X amount as a clothing and pocket money allowance? Discuss this at the beginning of the stay or before she arrives. She can sign for it in a finances book each week she is with you. Also can you help her find friends in the area you live? Maybe a youth group or something? Help her feel more settled and more entertained.

she must feel very rejected and ignored by her dad. no wonder she is trying desperatly to get attention through behaving badly. 16/17 is still very much a child.

you say the step-dd lives overseas with her dm also you and dh are not British. Are you all from the same country perhaps? If so, could you imagine travelling there for a holiday (not staying with the ex obviously but renting a place of your own maybe)? Is that a way around it for now?

My dd is not a teenager yet so I cannot speak from first-hand experience but from what I see of friends' children, it is not absolutely essential for teenagers to behave badly. A great deal of them never do IME. She sounds like she has no clear boundaries and just drifts about emotionally and behaviourally out of control. I really don't know how to sort it out but I do feel sorry for you, sounds unpleasant. Maybe if she can work in the UK, you could arrange some (interesting?) part-time work for her next time so she is out from under yourfeet a bit and has some spare cash of her own. Not sure if it would work. Or sign her up for something or other so she has something to do during the mornings say.

Agree with others, lock your bedroom door, don't leave her in charge of your younger dc. Think carefully before she comes again. Could you come accompanied by a relative - an aunt or grandmother maybe. Someone who might help keeping her behaviour a bit under control?

Just to answer a few points
-we're all from the same country (neighbouring villages even), we all regularly spend holidays there, normally school holidays are spent there as we have a big house/ extended family there and a small flat here and are pretty alone. She wanted to come to the UK this time though (this is a nightmare with visas and very expensive so used up any spare cash which we did warn her would mean less treats).
-she refuses to work full stop
-she had rules and boundaries, not only that but we're great believers in doing what we say ourselves. I say please/ thank you and we all treat each other with respect, she's grown up with this example. We're also probably stricter on children than British parents, culturally her behaviour is VERY unusual. The family are all pretty shocked.
-her dad has offered time alone (walks, cycling rides, parks, visist to places of interest, tennis, swimming-cheap or free places but his time) and she says no, it's shopping she wants. She'll refuse a car ride somewhere with her dad then spend hours after asking to go 'to a shop'. Won't answer what for, wants to browse and buy for the sake of buying. He doesn't have lots of time but offers his free time. We're not well off but he put money aside to take her places.

Her mum has never worked. My husband and her had children from the end of school. My husbands family supported them while he was at uni (they never lived together, he was in halls of residence and her with his family until they split up). He has finicially supported her completely and acted as a cashpoint (he moved to the UK to support them all under pressure, though he has since made his life here).

The argument that she is a child I'm not sure of. Her parents had her months older than she is now, they had to be adult. My husband is expected to have chosen her and made an adult decision to have her, yet it seems she is not expected to be adult enough not to behave like a bad toddler at the same age? I've given her much time and patience over the years, because she's a child, and tried to teach her right from wrong and boundaries (so has my husband). Yet the older she gets the worse she gets and at this age it's I feel because she is CHOOSING this behaviour. This year our feelings are changign both because her behaviour becomes more extreme and because she's now a young woman. She's a clever girla nd pretty mature, not babyish for her age at all. It's seems manipulative.

She rung today to her brother and was swearing and shouting how I did nothing for her. I did lots. She left the house without even saying goodbye (I was in another room) because she says I do 'nothing'. On the other hand she also said she'll come back in the summer to see someone and said she's coming in July! We've said no, unless she improves her attitude and she slammed the phone down with 'idiots'.

Wow....that was a long moan. Sorry

'Ban her from your home, do not have her in your life, she is a nasty vile person'
'I would not have anyone behaving like your sd in my house. If she cannot respect the rules she should not be coming.'

Really. Really? if this was your 16 year old you would say go on fuck off and I'll never see you again?

If so that is sad and worrying. I'm a step parent it is really hard, much harder than being a parent.

you need to be strict but loving. Give her rules, and give her consequences that are realistic. But not banning her from your or her fathers home (which is one of her homes too). Be consistent. ignore her pathetic rudness. Give her a set allowance for clothes that she can do with as she wishes but that she gets no more for. and be strong and get you husband to back you up.

i just feel there is more to it than this. you are saying that what you are giving her is perfect and she is 100% at fault. can this be true?

DP has been sick of her for years, I think he's not caring if it's 'over'.

I think that statement says a lot tbh.

Take her to a shop then - B&Q perhaps or Focus DIY or something of that ilk. You have provided her with 'a shop'; she has to provide you with courtesy.

I have a 15 yo ds, and if he behaved like your dsd is behaving, there would be a withdrawal of all privileges and no pocket money for a good while until he could learn the norms of civilised behaviour.

Haven't read all of this thread. This is not untypical teenage behaviour, although it is at the extreme end and very stressful for you, but also tough for her, however unlovable her behaviour.

I thoroughly recommend this book.

There are a few key things the author points out, which stick in my mind and have worked like a dream in our household.:

1. Remember she is still a child, and needs not only love and reassurance but firm boundaries.
2. Teenagers are always motivated by money - the author has some very practical advice on how to decide what behaviour you want to change and motivate them to change by using financial incentives. You may need the section in the book on "hard cases".

Good luck!

Btw, the money doesn't have to be a lot, and could be the normal allowance she would receive - please read the book, it's excellent. (I'm not on commission for it!)

She is not a child she is a young woman, she is also vile and toxic and I would not have her set a foot in my house.
Clearly she is following her mothers example of sit on your arse and let someone else pick up the tab.
Cut all contact with her, really it will not be a loss

OK, so she's not a kid. I moved out at 16 and held down a job, had a good relationship with my parents etc etc.. however, I suspect this person has never been taught how to have an emotionally mature relationship and so technically/ mentally she is still a child.

You are perfectly enititled to be utterly pissed off and so is your dh but the thing is with families is they are what they are and inherited or blood you kind of have a responsibility to see it through.

Can you put locks on your bedroom door? Organise some work for her so she can be more independant? Force her to do things with you even if you hate it?

I dont have the answers reALLy Im afriad but you are def not BU and good luck x

I understand what you are saying about cultural differences, but I still think you need to make clear to your dh that in this particular situation he needs to have more involvement in setting boundaries and being active. Never mind if it's not a dad's usual role in his culture, this is an unusual situation and calls for unusual measures.

We don't know and you don't know what's gone wrong with this girl, could be anything from undiagnosed mental health problems to seriously bad parenting from her mother. But it is clear that something has to give, you need a plan, and as her stepmother you cannot establish and run this plan single-handedly; her dad has to be involved and active however much it goes against the grain.

some very harsh posts on here, clearly she is a little madam but you cant "ban her from your house" and "cut all contact", she is a child and your DHs child at that!

follow the good and constructive advice on here, get DH to do more and read the recommended books

she is a VILE age and I really hope that things improve

But dont put up with this, be calm, but firm, set bpundaries

but please dont chuck her out! shes a child!

I think it's time your dh's ex got herself a job and stopped sitting on her arse with her hand out. Her oldest is 16 and her youngest lives with you. She's not at home with small children. Time to break this habit of her sponging off your dh and his family, while screaming abuse at you all down the phone. No wonder the dd has such a bad attitude to life.

As for the daughter, I agree you should get a lock for your bedroom door. I also think the small weekly allowance is a good idea. Keep saying no to the shops,but keep offering other things that she might like (that don't involve shopping) and get some family counselling for your DH and step daughter to try and get to the bottom of her behaviour.

I wouldn't throw her out, but I would tell her that if she is continually rude, then she will be sent home as this behaviour is not acceptable in your house. I think your DH needs to tell her that he loves her, but expects courtesy when she is here.

The only other thing I can think of, is for you and DH to have her here permanently, so you can get her out from under her mother's influence and get proper counselling to address what's going on with her. If she was with you full time, she would have a chance to go to work, enrol in college and make some friends. I get that you might not be up for that though