To not want my stepdaughter to ever return

[LastRemainingNerve]

Ok, I'm ranting but I'm at the point of cracking and here is a better place to rant than in the house...

My stepdaughter (16 yr old) has been here three weeks and I feel like she makes my life hell. She is only polite to me if she wants to go shopping. She things she should be constantly taken shopping. Last night she stood in a rage in the front room refusing to speak to me as I didn't take her to the shop (bank holiday and 8pm and she was bloody rude too). She banged the window and glared. Very rude to her brother when he tried to calm her (shut up, are you deaf-I said piss off etc)

I only 2 weeks ago took her shopping and bought her boots, a coat, a dress, a skirt and a top. She's had money for bits and bobs. She refusing to go to the shop alone and shouts she has no money (but when cleaning her room, which HAD to be done, I saw £95 in her underwear drawer). We're not rich at all here. I've also given her lovely clothes that I barely wore that are now too small for me (3 tops, a dress, jeans, jumper). She screamed to be taken shopping but has left the house without half this stuff, I've found it discarded in her room after she left.

I walked in the other day in the middle of the day (sick at work) to find her trying on my make-up, jewelry etc. and generally going down my stuff.

She does nothing round the house and is pretty unclean. Cleaning her room I chucked a bin bags worth of rubbish. She doesn't wash enough and if she doesn't use her special shampoo she gets dandruff so there are skin flakes everywhere. She sits on the sofa picking her skin and chucking it on the floor.

She used one of my notebooks as a diary and then left it on my desk. I opened it presuming it was mine and saw pages of bile about how I'm an idiot who gives her no money. Seems to have been left there to find really.

She picks on her (full) brother who is 13 and he's requested to move in with us permanently (said yes) and she's negligent if left in the care of her baby (half) brother.

She attempts to control the house, demands things to be done for her and is generally rude. I've started to say 'no' more this visit, especially concerning leaving the house without having to take her. Right down to actually poking me in the ribs and invading my personal space if displeased (I just remove her/ walk away. I've been out LOADS recently. I feel uncomfortable in my house)

She rings her mum if there's anything she dislikes and then mum shouts and swears on the phone and dh and I. She only phones when at home to demand money or moan about money. Woudln't even ring her dad on his birthday.

I'm starting to feel that at 16 (17 next month) she's a young woman and should know better than to behave like this. I feel like saying she's not welcome in my house anymore to stay (visits are long as she lives abroad). Her Dad has had enough too. Obviously should her attitude change I'd try again but I feel she's out to hurt and tear her us apart if she can. She doesn't like us, she makes that very clear and clear that she comes for expected material gain.

It's gone on for years, I've tried being nice, doing what she wants and I've in the past given her a lot of slack as she was only a child.

For the record I played no part in her parents break-up, I met her Dad when she was 10. Her parents never lived together, on-off teenage relationship. Her Dad has cared for her a lot as a child but as a teenager it's been mainly her mum (mainly for education and financial reasons, before I met her Dad she'd returned abroad). I presume I'm not a total cow as I've developed a very good relationship with her brother, who's asked to move in with us.

mmmm. As a fellow step I totally sympathise with you but your dp doesnt sound great tbh - he has wanted to give up for years? She is only sixteen and yes is being a total pita but she is his responsibility and his child - he chose to have her and her behaviour is as much his responsibility as her mothers, regardless of where they both live. Think your dp needs to pull his finger out - he cant work long hours, not be proactive and then nail her down for being an attention seeking brat - he needs to make time for her and show her he loves her, whilst also putting in place consistent boundaries and sticking to house rules. I dont think there is much you can do here - this is about the girl and her dad and she is using you to get to him.

I maybe know too many blended families, I work with children with blended families etc. On the scale of things does she really have 'a lot' to deal with. Her parents split before she'd remember. She's always had contact, never worried fanancially has a large extended family on both sides. She's ALWAYS been this way, it's not a reaction to recent events.

No drugs/ drink etc (her 13 y/obrother is a bit of a drinker but I've knocked that on the head!)

Her Dad and I took her quiet a few places initially. Her dad took her to see the sights and did the tourist things (she moaned as was bought nothing). He offered he to take her on arranged days out, but she was only interested in shopping. I took her swimming and other things which she moaned about (what, park AGAIN?). Only nice on shopping trip. Dad stopped offering days out at the weekend but she also made it clear she doens't want TIME with him, she wants money.

'dp has been sick of her for years'. What a prat your dh is. No wonder she's playing up, she's desperate for attention and is getting zilch from her dad and seemingly hasnt had any for years.

Why on earth is your dh working long hours when his kids visit. I appreciate he cant take the whole 3 weeks or so off but at least some. Why is it falling to you do provide the day to day care if he cant be bothered.

Are they on school holiday or something when they come? I cant imagine it's a barrel of fun being stuck in a house with a step mum and toddler is without some structure.

she is sixteen - it isnt a pleasant attitude but it is extremely common. Just dont give it to her. Are there any chores, errands she can do to earn it when with you??

He took days off as he could. HE refuses to go shopping with her, she refuses to leave the house with him unless its for shopping so they're at a standoff. He has offered/ arranged other places she's refused.

OP + I strongly believe you cannot turn a child away like that. Teenagers are difficult - perhaps if you were a well behaved teenager yourself it's difficult to imagine - have you read through the teenager talk forum on here?

I am now a normal, proffesional mature and generally well behaved adult! but I was AWFUl to my mum as a teenager - partly because my dad left us and I was messed up - looking back Im astounded at how I behaved, I can't understand it - but I really, really didn't think of other people, I was so lost in my own world. I also made my mother cry, was out all the time partying - generally very selfish - but its true, teenagers brains are not developed like adult brains.

She is a child and has already been rejected once by her father leaving (Im not saying that as a judgement, its just a matter of how she feels) also - you live in a different country.

I feel sorry for you - but I think you are being far too tough on her - it sounds like fairly normal behaviour to me. Dont take any shit from her about shopping etc, be tough - but be kind also. Going through your stuff is NORMAL. Sorry - and so is writing about how evil you are.

I suspect you were far more well behaved yourself and are not used to truculent teenagers.

Imagine how it will affect her to be told her father is rejecting her - and that it is you, her step mother, behind this.

Please try and talk to people on the teenager forum to know how normall all this is. She is pushing boundaries and need stough love.

I feel from what you write that her father is not engaging properly - he needs to stop being angry and actually be a good dad to her. Talk to her, take her out for one on one time with him. You say its you who does the parenting - how does that make her feel? Suddenly her dad is distant and you are in charge....I think he needs to build a proper relationship with her.

They're on school holidays yes, they have much longer school holidays than the UK.

Her father didn't leave, he took her and brought the kids up for years alone. It was agreed later that the mum wanted them back after not wanting them when younger.

well, re. moaning on trips out - thats pretty normal - I still suspect her dad isnt showing her enough interest...

YOu cant stop her coming to her dads house just because she is a wingeing teen - half of all teenagers are like that!

Sorry, I'm another one who isn't very impressed with your dh. It's really not OK to just outsource responsibility for his daughter onto the women in his life.

Agree that she does sound like a teenager - a lot of that is very resonant of other teenagers I know. In fact, it's not even towards the extreme end - hideous though it undoubtedly is.

A lot of managing the more unlovely bits of teenager-dom is about repetition, repetition, repetition - even when it seems utterly hopeless: Horrible action by teenager > restatement of ground rules + sanction -> infringement of ground rule(s) ---> restatement .... etc. to fade.

The difference being that there are usually intervals of deep warmth and affection in between, which makes the awfulness better. The fact you stepdaughter is in your home as a visitor makes that last ... compensation ... difficult.

Agree with lock on door. Shopping trips are a treat to be earned maybe? In return for doing things around the house? Maybe? That might "embed" her a bit more in the family, and use up some of that energy, as well as giving you a. a break b. feelings of warmth.

It does sound like a difficult situation.

so she is away from all her friends? Well, she does sound a pain, but sorry, not bad enough to throw out!

I think I would quite firmly leave this up to your DH.

Tell him that she can only visit when he is home off work. It isn't your job to deal with this, it is his, he is her parent.

hmmm. dont think you can say that about her only visiting when he is at home - surely his home is her home. I think you can sit down with her - kindly and calmly - and talk about the issues, but seriously, it's really up to him to do this more than you. You have a relationship with her and can try - but something isn't right here.

I don't believe some people/ teenagers are just 'nasty' - she has been brought up this way by the two adults in her life - and she is clearly not happy right now. Thats not an excuse - it just means she is being a brat and needs to be sorted out. REjecting her would be the worst thing you could do.

I feel sorry for her - being swapped from dad to mum and then back to 'visiting' dad, but am I the only one that thinks excusing her because she's a 'child' is not on?
She isn't a child. At her age I had a full-time job. As the OP says, there are many who are parents at her age.
She needs to stop behaving like a toddler. Having said that, she needs her father to help her with that process.

Maybe she is very angry that after being bought up by dad for years she then went to mum? I think I would feel a bit abandoned If that happened to me...

Have you tried family counselling?

Dad needs to sit down and Ask her why she is so angry, is it because she had to go back to her mum after years of being with him? A lady resort may be for him l say 'I love you very much but i will NOT tolerate this behaviour any more.'

I think she is very angry and her and dad need family counselling

By the way, could some of this be boredom too? she presumably has no friends around (as another poster has said).

I think you need to sit and think about how you really feel on this. In the duration of this conversation you have said he isnt very proactive and has wanted to give up on her for years, but also that he wants to take her out, has tried and is failing to get through to her. That you do most of the work when they are here, but he does get lots of time off. There are some pretty big contradictions there.

I REALLY feel for the position you are in but I was another one who was a fecker as a teen - I went through stuff, was nosy, only wanted to shop, only thought of myself, attention seeking and I DID party and do a lot of things I shouldnt. Its really normal, but horribly unpleasant and space invading teenage stuff - if she was stealing money and taking drugs, bringing boys back etc I would understand more but she is just being a general pain in the arse.

Is there anyone she could "befriend"? Perhaps if she had more of a social life less of the onus to entertain her would be on you. Either way things with your dp need clarifying - it cant work both ways.

It sounds stressful and annoying, but as many people here say, it's quite normal. That doesn't make it easy - but you do need to put her behaviour in the context of a teen, travelling between two homes, being disciplined by a step mum because the dad doesn't get involved with that - and on top of that, having to be away from her friends the whole time, in another country.

If this was your daughter would you throw her out for this behaviour? I think if you came on and said you were going to chuck a 16 year old out for being annoying/ demanding and going through stuff..well, people would think you were mad...so, you cant cut her off simply because she isnt your flesh and blood. She wont be like this forever, and the more love and kind discipline she gets - and the more attempts at actually understanding her, the less likely she is to become a difficult adult too.

You say her mum shouts at you - well, thats not a great atmosphere for her is it? Knowing you - her mother and step mum - dont get on. Thats not your fault - but it must be tough on her.

Mmm. Yes, does your dh arrange activities - other than shopping, for her? Teenagery things, like ... erm, sporty stuff leaps to mind: canoeing, orienteering, camping, walking, cycling (this is all off the top of my head, from my [limited] experience, knowing nothing about your family, income, etc.).

It would give you a break, be good for their relationship, and burn off a bit of that teenager energy.

Most teens meet up with friends, and have a number of activities they do, but of course, she won't while she's only visiting.

Having that kind of stuff going on changes the energy, and disperses the focus of routine and relationships, which means you can avoid flashpoints and have more possible sanctions for infringements of ground rules and treats for great behaviour/actions.

It also signals that you recognise her presence in your family, and modify your activities accordingly, rather than assuming she;ll fit in with you, and take up as little space as possible. The latter leads to negative-rebellion, as she asserts her presence in damaging ways.

If you haven't done already maybe try having fun with her. Renting a DVD she would like and cooking her favourite meal. You could try reaching out to her and reiterating how hard it must be for her with all the problems you have mentioned. Possibly mentioning her good points. She is obviously used to very negative behaviour at home. She might just want someone to understand her. She is at an awkward age where there is not much she can do. Do you're friends have teenagers of the same age? Could you get her a part time temp job? She must be very board and confused.

WRT teenagers, their brain is a lot more developed than a toddlers brain empathy-wise etc, yet we wouldn't be expected to accept that type of behaviour from a toddler, would we? So why should the OP accept that behaviour from a teen, who with all due respect, should know better?

A lack of empathy doesn't mean total absence of it.

but Cymar, noone is suggesting that she does have to take it - none of us would BUT you cant chuck a teenager out for being a selfish pita - the streets would literally be littered with them if you did.

If she wants money she can get a part time job and earn some. She has to understand if she wants to be treated like an adult she needs to behave like one.

Put a lock on your door and go and kick your husband up the bum, he needs to get his finger out and actively support, you can't sort this by yourself.

Sorry to say prettyfly, but 16 years old is not 13 (not meant to sound offensive in any way BTW). I wouldn't want a child under 16 to be thrown out of a house, but 16 (nearly 17) is old enough to get and hold down a job, have babies, pay bills, rent etc.

Besides, would anyone expect the OP to put up with this from another adult? Lets face it, the SD is on the verge of being an adult anyway (within 1-2yrs) and if the OP has tried to understand/please/engage the SD and gets it thrown back in her face, then I, for one, don't blame the OP for contemplating the idea.

The OP could sit the SD down (after agreeing ground rules with DH) and both could tell her (before she leaves) what she is expected to do when staying in the house eg, some chores, respect people who live there and their property etc. The choice is simply that the SD either accepts and agrees to stick to the rules or do not come to the house until she is willing to do so.

In this situation a young child would deserve understanding and unconditional acceptance. But at nearly 17 it is no longer acceptable to behave this way.

It sounds as if she has got this delgihtful behaviour from her mother and I'm not surprised you DH split up with her.

I think it would be reasonable for your DH to sit down with her before she leaves, and tell that she will no longer be welcome to stay if she continues to behave like this.