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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to expect a 'warmer' reception? Some people shouldn't have houseguests...

86 replies

BlackSwan · 28/04/2011 10:34

Just got back from holiday visiting relatives o/s to introduce them to our bub... had been warmly invited to stay (after offering to stay in a hotel) - arrived with bundles of gifts, cooked, cleaned, paid for groceries... only to be told to please make sure I turned off the bathroom light if I wasn't in there...eh, excuse me... sorry if I found it a little dark walking around with a baby in my arms. 'My fault... ok' I said - & made sure not to do it again. Also their house was freeezing cold, but they never turned on a heater. Even had to ask to turn the water heater on before I wanted a luke-warm shower. Needed to boil the kettle to make a bath for the baby. I now have a throat infection which I caught from one of the relatives. Hoping baby doesn't get sick too. Our hosts are obsessively neat. She even washes hen's eggs. Is this normal? He picked up what was quite possibly one of my hairs from the bench and walked it over to the bin. I'm no slob... but it was a chore keeping up with the constant cleaning. Had taken their child an outfit as one of the presents... though it fits, the mother wants a larger size, so she sent me home with it and wants me to exchange it and post another one. Honestly, I think I might just give it to someone more grateful.

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 28/04/2011 12:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nickelbabe · 28/04/2011 13:00

you shouldn't wash eggs.
you can wash them before you use them (but why would you? you throw away the packaging!)
but don't wash eggs before that, because you will destroy the coating that prtects them and stops them going off.

bonkers20 · 28/04/2011 13:02

If these are your relatives, how come you didn't know any of this before and then choose to stay in a hotel?
Being house guests for a period of time, especially if you have young children can often be stressful, but it sounds like these relatives have some quite strange habits and ones which would manifest themselves out of the home as well.

How did they wash themselves? Cold water showers? Are they a different culture to ours?

LovelyDaffs · 28/04/2011 13:04

I honestly don't see what the problem is with the outfit tbh. You may have thought it fitted, but she obviously didn't if you'd thought it was too small surely exchanging it for a larger size would be reasonable?

She obviously can't change it herself as she's o/s.

BecauseImWorthIt · 28/04/2011 13:08

Sorry, but I think YABalittlebitU here. Their house, their rules, surely?

If they are overseas, then presumably by asking you to exchange the outfit what they actually mean is that they like it, and would like another one (in a bigger size) - but as they won't have the same stores in their country, to be able to achieve this you will have to exchange it for them. Why isn't that OK? Do you begrudge the gift? Surely you should be pleased that they like it!

I would be pissed off if someone was leaving the lights on in the house as well - not just because of the cost of the electricity, but also because the light on disturbs me. I find it much harder to sleep when there's a light on, even on the floor below us.

And as for these issues:

"I was told I had to remove my washing from the washing line at night and re-hang it in the morning, because it would get dewy. I explained I didn't really care if that happened." Sounds like they were giving you some helpful advice - up to you to ignore it thoug.

"They have a separate washing machine for their kids laundry." Lucky them to have two machines. Presumably it helps to keep the laundry sorted if it's done this way, and means they can do two loads at the same time?

"Every perishable item must be frozen on date of purchase in a labelled bag. Including the bread I bought. I seriously felt like I was on wife-swap." Well why not do this? Keeps food in the best condition, and labelling it is sensible - how many times do you look at something in the freezer and wonder what it is?!

"The TV had to be turned off at the wall whenever it was done with." Good. This is a major environmental issue - it wastes way too much electricity keeping things on stand by.

^"Pots weren't to be dish washed, neither knives, plastics and other random stuff for whatever reason." There are lots of reasons why things shouldn't go in the dishwasher. I have some very expensive saucepans and glasses that mustn't go in the dishwasher, otherwise they will be spoiled/scratched by the detergents, and I would be really* annoyed if you ignore me and put them in there because you couldnt' be bothered to wash them by hand.

"I didn't expect to be waited on hand and foot, but I didn't expect to spend my evenings washing recycling waste either (scrubbed with detergent)." I, personally, don't wash my recycling, but actually it's not a bad thing to do - there can be serious fly and/or rat problems caused by food left on stuff that's been thrown into the recycling bin that hasn't been washed.

It sounds like you just have different views about things, and these hardly count as them being unhospitable.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/04/2011 13:08

He picked up what was quite possibly one of my hairs from the bench and walked it over to the bin.

Seriously, could the host have made it any clearer that the OP was dirtying up his space?

GiddyPickle · 28/04/2011 13:12

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BugsnBites · 28/04/2011 13:19

It is always rude to make your guests conform to your rules, so YANBU there. You should, for example, not tell your guest to switch off the bathroom light, as that makes your guest feel like a naughty child. The only rules imposed are those that are vitally important (ie, we get all our elecricity from solar and leaving a light on will leave us in darkness for 24 hours). Otherwise you suck up your guest's strange ways, not vice versa. Anything else is inhospitable.

However YABU to complain about her wierd habits. That they wash eggs or freeze everything on the date of purchase is their call, as long as they don't make you do it, or make you feel an idiot for not doing it.

empirestateofmind · 28/04/2011 13:27

I had a similar trip to a relative's house last summer. We weren't allowed to put the shower room light on at night in case the extractor fan noise woke their DCs. My teenage DDs and I had to shower and go to the loo in the dark. If I had known in advance I would have taken a torch or lantern.

There was more, much more. We felt as welcome as amoebic dysentery. Yet we had been invited, we paid our way and tried to be good guests.

SocialButterfly · 28/04/2011 13:45

Hmm I think YABU, we own our house outright, it doesnt mean we have unlimited cash and tbh turning lights off when not in the room is good for the planet too!

My MIL always complains that our house is cold, we are used to it, if she asks we will turn the heating on for her.

Also our saucepans dont go in the dishwasher as they have wooden handles that split if they are emersed in water too often and cutlery cant if is silver or again has wooden handles.

If its not your thing thats fine but to say they were inhospitable just because they dont live the samje way as you is U.

saffy85 · 28/04/2011 13:57

They do sound hard work and I certainly wouldn't bother changing the clothes and posting them to these people. Or visiting them again.

I had the opposite problem at DP's granny's house. Was bloody boiling as she has her heating right up to the max for 18 hours a day. All year round, even height of summer and god help anyone who thinks about turning it down. I spend most of the time there keeping DD away from the red hot radiators so she doesn't get burned. I now have a horrible cluster of spots across my face. But DD hasn't been burned this time. Granny's gas bill must be shocking- its a 3 floor 6 bedroomed house Shock

BlackSwan · 28/04/2011 17:11

to address a few of the issues raised. The outfit fits. Actually there is some give. It's just that she would prefer a bigger size. I really can't be arsed bending over backward. I will diplomatically forget to do her bidding. The outfit alone cost me 40 quid. I felt a little insulted to have it given back to me.

Yes, freezing certain things is sensible. But everything can be taken to the extreme. Freezing ginger? Lemon juice? If I buy half the stuff in the fridge, why does it all have to be chucked in the deep freeze? The intention is that we all eat it.

My son was wearing an eye-patch. He clearly needed extra light.

I have been extremely generous with the hosts in the past. Won't go into detail. I felt chastised to have been asked to keep the lights off - on day one, while I was shuttling back and forth from the cold bathroom to the kitchen/bedroom with a baby. The 'hair' incident was the icing on the cake. I really wanted to plead "but it may not even be mine - I think it's your SIL's!"... but the intimation that I had messed up was obvious.

If you want to be weird about the washing up... then you should do it yourself. Don't watch your guests stand over the sink night after night washing the recycling. And don't expect them to remember which of the 4 sets of dishcloths is for what purpose (hands, baby things, drying up, benches).

Actually a relative has since told me they wanted to warn be about staying with these people, but I had already booked my trip.

Did I mention that I was even showed how to correctly fold their DD's laundry??

These people killed any fun I hoped to have on holiday.

OP posts:
GiddyPickle · 28/04/2011 17:25

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MrsCampbellBlack · 28/04/2011 17:33

God I love mn Smile

Honestly your hosts invited you for a visit and then were very un-welcoming - yanbu.

But this is the place where 'my house my rules' is seen as a good thing - certainly no-one I know in RL has this attitude.

Being a good and generous host is quite hard work I think which is why visits should be kept fairly short so everyone can be on best behaviour Smile

anonacfr · 28/04/2011 17:49

Fact is when you have guests you don't make them wash up or recycle or anything like that.
If you invite people to your home you have to take them as they come- after all it's only a few days and you've invited them in the first place.
When my ILs come and stay they usually for about a week- I wouldn't dream of asking them to pay for groceries and yes they help out but not because I ask them to!

As for the gift it's beyond rude. One should accept gifts gracefully- the OP didnt have to bring anything for the child after all!
If a relative/friend brought a gift for one of your children, who you honestly have the nerve to ask them to take it back and send it by post in a different size????

GiddyPickle · 28/04/2011 18:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

heliumballoons · 28/04/2011 18:11

Anyone else thinking the way these people are careful is maybe why they're mortgage free?

It sounds hard work OP, and I agree with the poster anonacfr who said they should maybe have accepted your ways of doing things, but it works both ways I'm afraid.

I wash recycling but wouldn't expect or ask a guest too. If the guest offered to help (which it sounds like you did) then I would say that they need washing. Its not rude but if someone is going to help it isn't helpful if you need to do it again yourself properly Grin

YANBU about the gift.

londonartemis · 28/04/2011 18:24

I don't think YABU.
Take the outfit back, reclaim the £40 and keep it for yourself. If they ever ask, say the bigger sizes were out of stock.
I think it's sad that you are left feeling unwelcome after a visit because it sounds as if you had made a really good effort to be good guests.
Come and visit me and you can have the lights on all you like!

CatPower · 28/04/2011 18:30

Oh BlackSwan, after your latest post I've changed my position, YANBU at all. I could understand if it OCDish foibles, y'know niggly wee things that are irritating, but to make you fold their DD's washing, remember how to use the umpteen different cloths for washing, and made you turn off all lights when your DS has a patch (didn't realise that before) then they were clearly crackers, and awful hosts.

What relations are they to you? Could you have a word with one of them and make it clear how unwelcome you felt?

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/04/2011 18:39

My reading of the bathroom light thing was that there was no hall light?

I have a nightlight in my hall as it is pitch black at night, there are 6 stairs from the bedrooms to the toilet, and at least one of us will get up through the night for a wee - I'd rather no sleepyheads pitched downstairs and broke something! Staying in a holiday apartment recently, I left the bathroom light on overnight because the hall had no window (so not even streetlighting letting us see the way) and a very bright hall light. Not ideal, but better than tripping over in an unfamiliar hall.

Hardly a hanging offence, and surely the hosts might have figured it out that their guest was doing something similar?

Jix · 28/04/2011 18:52

Our house is cold too. My parents keep fleeces here (!) but it's a big old house and difficult to keep tropical warm as they have in their house!
Maybe it's just different expectations?
What they consider normal is odd for you and vice versa.

We've never been invited back to my brother in law's house after our baby kept them awake all night and she's 7 now! It's a relief to be honest though, as they are obsessively neat too, and you can't put anything down without it instantly being put away. We just stay in a hotel nearby and gorge on the breakfasts!

AgentZigzag · 28/04/2011 19:14

Hope you don't mind blackswan, I've just posted a thread about what is/isn't OK when you've got visitors over.

meltedchocolate · 28/04/2011 19:14

Erm, I have practically no spare money but if I invited someone round to stay I would use the extra lighting and heating to make them comfortable for a short period and just squeeze the budget even more elsewhere. Having no money I am always very grateful for any gift I receive. They are a bonus I would not be expecting and I would certainly not be so rude. If they can't afford guests, they shouldn't invite guests.

meltedchocolate · 28/04/2011 19:22

Also I think the present thing is very unreasonable because, not only is it rude, but they expect you to do everything to save every last penny in their house but then expect you to shell out a fair bit of extra cash on P&P for the new sized gift? YADDDNBU

BlackSwan · 28/04/2011 19:40

Don't mind at all Zigzag, I expect your thread will be very amusing!

One OCD foible to add... all rubbish had to be bagged in a small clear plastic bag before being binned. Not singularly... but loose rubbish wasn't to be put in the bin.

It was bootcamp! Some of it has rubbed off. On returning home I re-organised my plastics drawer. It's now organised in the most efficient manner imaginable. Let's see how far I can take this.

OP posts: