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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to expect a 'warmer' reception? Some people shouldn't have houseguests...

86 replies

BlackSwan · 28/04/2011 10:34

Just got back from holiday visiting relatives o/s to introduce them to our bub... had been warmly invited to stay (after offering to stay in a hotel) - arrived with bundles of gifts, cooked, cleaned, paid for groceries... only to be told to please make sure I turned off the bathroom light if I wasn't in there...eh, excuse me... sorry if I found it a little dark walking around with a baby in my arms. 'My fault... ok' I said - & made sure not to do it again. Also their house was freeezing cold, but they never turned on a heater. Even had to ask to turn the water heater on before I wanted a luke-warm shower. Needed to boil the kettle to make a bath for the baby. I now have a throat infection which I caught from one of the relatives. Hoping baby doesn't get sick too. Our hosts are obsessively neat. She even washes hen's eggs. Is this normal? He picked up what was quite possibly one of my hairs from the bench and walked it over to the bin. I'm no slob... but it was a chore keeping up with the constant cleaning. Had taken their child an outfit as one of the presents... though it fits, the mother wants a larger size, so she sent me home with it and wants me to exchange it and post another one. Honestly, I think I might just give it to someone more grateful.

OP posts:

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/04/2011 11:38

OP, I'm of an age where some friends have paid off their mortgages, so I got what you meant - finances ease considerably post-mortgage, even for those who had relatively small mortgages. I'd hazard a guess yours is large enough to make life without a mortgage seem like complete luxury.

Yours friends are mean and inhospitable. Their treatment of your gift (bigger size and post it back) is shameful. YANBU.

Bearcrumble · 28/04/2011 11:43

Chickens don't have fannies they have Cloacas.

SpringFollows · 28/04/2011 11:47

I was sympathetic until the mortgage bit. So what? we do not have one either. But our outgoings are 1600 quid a month more than our incomings, as i have been forced to part time and Dh is job hunting. .

And we keep our house at a balmy 19 degrees, which I know many people turn their nose up at, but it is poorly insulated and getting it to a higher temp is really hard work.

ILoveYouToo · 28/04/2011 11:47

I really don't get your point - YABU, I think.

I don't see why you would waste electricity by leaving a light on when you weren't in the room, so yes I would have asked you to turn it off when leaving the bathroom if you'd kept doing it. In terms of the temperature; if that's what they're used to, then they wouldn't think of it as too cold for guests, would they? Ditto the lights. Could you not explain about DS's vision and ask for a light on? If they're neat, they're neat - that's how they are so why do expect them suddenly to change because you're there? Ditto washing hens' eggs - why on earth would that bother you?

The present thing is a little bit off, but everything else just sounds like they were keeping things as they are usually, presumably assuming that if it's fine for them then it will also be for you. You sound like a bit of a nightmare, from your post, and why are you passing judgement on their finances?

AgentZigzag · 28/04/2011 11:47

That explains the mortgage a bit more whereyouleftit, I thought she meant they were renting, it never entered my head that they'd achieved the mythical status of having paid it off.

YANBU in that case OP, the skinflints should be loaded

ILoveYouToo · 28/04/2011 11:48

And you are even blaming them for your frigging throat infection FFS!

Ephiny · 28/04/2011 11:50

We have ours at 18 maximum which I think is perfectly warm and comfortable! But I know from previous threads on this, and from people I know in real life, that there's a vast range of temperatures that different people consider 'normal'!

Personally I'd rather be a bit chilly than go to PILs house where if you're lucky they might concede to turning the heating down to 25! Seriously though if you don't say you're uncomfortable, they won't know.

SpringFollows · 28/04/2011 11:53

Yeah, alot of people we know have their houses at about 22-24. I simply could not physically get it to that temp. Even the past week, when hot outside we never got it higher than 20. I know people shiver in ours. And I know thy comment. But if they want our heating bills, fine.

My Ils keep theirs at 23, and I always feel like I have a fever.

Original poster

BlackSwan · 28/04/2011 12:01

Some of the negative comments here have just made me more certain that I'm not being unreasonable!
They own their place outright. That doesn't necessarily make them awash with cash, but it does mean that if they have guests to stay they should make reasonable efforts to make them comfortable. Heating and light are basic provisions. As is food.

I offered the eggwashing as an example of the extreme lengths they go to...this isn't being 'neat' it's borderline OCD. I was told I had to remove my washing from the washing line at night and re-hang it in the morning, because it would get dewy. I explained I didn't really care if that happened... They have a separate washing machine for their kids laundry. Every perishable item must be frozen on date of purchase in a labelled bag. Including the bread I bought. I seriously felt like I was on wife-swap.

The TV had to be turned off at the wall whenever it was done with. Pots weren't to be dish washed, neither knives, plastics and other random stuff for whatever reason.

I didn't expect to be waited on hand and foot, but I didn't expect to spend my evenings washing recycling waste either (scrubbed with detergent).

They live o/s. Can't be more specific.

What do I do about the outfit? Feel like a chump taking it back.

OP posts:

SpringFollows · 28/04/2011 12:06

I think asking you to take the outfit back is very very rude and ungracious. So do not. Kind of forget and send them a thank you card for having you to stay.

The other stuff... it is horses for courses really. I wash eggs too. I do not find that extreme, and anyone who has been to our filthy dog hair ridden house would laugh at the idea I am OCD about hygiene. I also cook fish and meat for my family but rinse it first as it has been sitting in liquid under pladtic for god knows how long in the supermarket.

Honestly, I think you had a difficult visit, with people who do things differently. Just chalk it up to ' something funny that people do'.

changeforthebetter · 28/04/2011 12:08

YANBU - stayed with a relative and his family and felt really unwelcome for similar reasons. Have accommodated said relative, family (even his in-laws) in the past. Relative is obsessive-compulsive quite tidy and nearly blew a gasket when DD dropped a few spots of suntan lotion outside on the patio. My motto is family and holidays don't mix

bubblecoral · 28/04/2011 12:09

I expect they are as glad your visit is over as you are.

campergirls · 28/04/2011 12:15

I have never heard of anyone washing eggs. Do you only do it if you are boiling them in their shells? Can I ask - genuine query, not having a go - WHY? Saying it comes out of a chicken's fanny, as someone did up thread, is no answer to me, because the bit you eat has been thoroughly protected from the chicken's innards by the shell. Please answer, I am really intrigued by this! (am a chicken keeper btw)

Original poster

BlackSwan · 28/04/2011 12:16

Thanks Spring - I'm going to do exactly that. I think it's the right approach.

OP posts:

SpringFollows · 28/04/2011 12:18

Okay I'll bite.

The eggs I buy for the family ( I rarely eat them) are free range and usually have bits of bum fluff and poo on them,. And yes I usually boil them. Egg shells are porous.

If I crack for scrambled or fried, then no not likely to wash. But if boiling I do.

PS- I would LOVE to have chickens of my own. :)

SpringFollows · 28/04/2011 12:20

No worries, Black.

TBH, I hate staying with people. Especially relatives. :)

AgentZigzag · 28/04/2011 12:21

I've never heard of it either campergirls.

Fucking MN forcing me to think about chickens arse germs in my fridge

(I know they don't really shit the eggs out their arse)

bemybebe · 28/04/2011 12:24

I own my house outright. I worked bloody hard and now i do not work, so no income for me. Do not visit me OP.

CatPower · 28/04/2011 12:24

YABU regarding your shock at their lack of mortgage - what business is that of yours? We didn't have a mortgage on our last house, but have a small one on this one. That doesn't mean we're rolling in cash, far from it. We just about manage to get by each month, but it'll be worth it in a few years when we do own the house outright. Anyway, that's beside the point.

YAalsoBU about their OCD tendancies. Some people are just anal about cleaning and take it to extremes. Annoying, yes, but it is their home and you were guests, not lodgers. When I'm visiting family, I fit myself in with their routines, not spend my time bemoaning everything they do.

Okay, them making you return your gift is very petty. YANBU there at all - I wouldn't bother returning it, give it to someone who will appreciate it.

worraliberty · 28/04/2011 12:32

Before I even read the 'mortgage' post I was going to say they sound as though they're skint and can't afford large heating bills etc.

Unless you are privvy to their income and expenditure, your remarks are qute silly really.

LucretiaInShadows · 28/04/2011 12:32

I think there's a mixture of reasonable and unreasonable in here.

Gift: definitely unreasonable and rude.

Bathroom light: reasonable; it's wasteful to light a room you're not using, in terms of energy and money. Lighting over the play area: unreasonable if they knew it was too dark for your child's needs - did you explain?

Weirdness about dishwasher: weird, but they may have their reasons.

Freezer: just bizarre, but not harmful.

Washing out overnight? My mum taught me it was common and slovenly to do this; maybe that's their view and they came up with an unconvincing alternative explanation to try not to offend you.

Temperature: as others have said, people vary; did they know you were cold? Did they have big jumpers on?

Being careful with money could be how they've managed to get rid of their mortgage. Different priorities?

Seems that your habits are very different, but that doesn't make either of you wrong. Good job you don't stay that often.

Bearcrumble · 28/04/2011 12:44

Wow. I was just looked up Cloaca on wikipedia to make sure I was right that that was what chickens lay their eggs out of (I was) - and apparently some turtles can breathe through them:

"Some turtles, especially those specialized in diving, are highly reliant on cloacal respiration during dives.[5] They accomplish this by having a pair of accessory air bladders connected to the cloaca which can absorb oxygen from the water.[6]"

AgentZigzag · 28/04/2011 12:48

I know a couple of people who manage to talk out of theirs bearcrumble.

GypsyMoth · 28/04/2011 12:49

reminds me of my live in nanny days!!!

getting used to other peoples ways is hard....especially when you dont understand them!!

campergirls · 28/04/2011 12:52

Thanks SpringFollows! Keeping chickens is awesome, I love ours - they are happily trashing my garden right now.

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