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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My daughter loves her Daddy more than she loves me

72 replies

Oakmaiden · 27/04/2011 23:03

I know that I am being unreasonable.

But my daughter (7) loves her Daddy best.

I should be pleased that they have such a lovely relationship.

But I'm not. I'm jealous. I gave birth to her, breastfed her, carried her constantly, co slept with her. I'm the one who longed for a daughter. And now she loves him best (apparently she loved me best as a baby, but says now it is her Daddy's turn. For the past 2 years.)

She should love me best.

I know this is unreasonable - but at the same time I still deeply resent it.

OP posts:
laInfanta · 27/04/2011 23:04

It's probably just a phase. Most girls are daddy's girl. Plus mummy makes you eat vegetables, daddy is Fun Daddy and takes you swimming etc. Is this the case with them?

anonymosity · 27/04/2011 23:05

it swings in roundabouts
I loved my daddy best when i was 7 - for a few months
its been my mum ever since (30+ yrs)

BoysAreLikeDogs · 27/04/2011 23:05

don't turn it into a competition

MCos · 27/04/2011 23:06

For sure it is a phase. DD1 goes between loving DH best and then loving me best. Make sure you get to do some fun things with her!

pjmama · 27/04/2011 23:07

I cease to exist for my DTs when Daddy is around. I know its because they're with me more of the time so I'm a bit boring and I'm also the evil witch that makes them eat vegetables and tidy up their toys etc. Daddy is the novelty that plays with them when he gets home from work and spoils them on a weekend. Don't take it personally, she's only 7 and of course she loves you just as much.

cyb · 27/04/2011 23:07

'She should love me best.' No she shouldn't, be grateful your H and your dd have such a good bond, I nevr had that with my Dad when I was growing up.

BALD is right, it isnt a popularity contest, its parenting

honeybehappy · 27/04/2011 23:09

:(

I find that very odd TBH, but then my DD1 who is 5 really worries about leaving me or DH out, even if shes just having a quick cuddle she will always make sure we get one each. We stayed at MIL's last weekend and she was sobbing as we asked her who she would rather sleep with us or MIL and it took half hour to callm her down as she just couldnt choose as she didnt want anyone to feel jelous.

I think I would much rather her be like your DD.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 27/04/2011 23:09

It's a bloody long phase :(. She keeps telling me she loves Daddy best (and no, I never ask her). And she has been writing him sweet little letters about how much she loves him.

I know I should see this as a positive thing, but it just makes me feel sad.

OP posts:
QuelleLeJeff · 27/04/2011 23:10

Uh

I loved dad, then I hated him, then I loved mum and then i hated her

What's all this "best" stuff? She shouldn't have to love you"best" because you carried her and BF her co-slept and did all those things? That's just...what we do as mums.

You need to just and not listen to the weird whims of a 7 year old. Next week it will be all sodding MUMMY and you'll be all "OH GOD, when will she leave me aLONE!?"

now you.... Smile

ChristinedePizan · 27/04/2011 23:10

You really, really need to get over this asap. It's the sort of thing that really screws up children. Sorry, I know that's harsh but resenting a child's relationship with their other parent is the stuff of hours of therapy for your child.

Have you considered seeing someone yourself to talk about the way you're feeling? If this is serious and not tongue in cheek of course.

laInfanta · 27/04/2011 23:12

I always loved my dad best tbf

I don't think my mum knows though...

pjmama · 27/04/2011 23:14

I find though that whilst the sun shines out of Daddy's arse, if one of them hurts themselves or isn't feeling very well, it's me that they want the most. Different roles that's all.

You know YABU to resent your DDs relationship with her father. Speaking as someone who was resented by my jealous mother for the whole of my remembered childhood, believe me when I say that road leads nowhere good.

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 27/04/2011 23:14

It is not a deep resentment... Maybe that was the wrong word. Mote a wistful sadness. I think I feel left out.

I do all the crappy stuff and then she only wants Daddy. {sigh}

Just wanted to tell someone that it makes me feel crappy and sad, and it's not the sort of thing I can express in real life.

OP posts:
cyb · 27/04/2011 23:15

You need to embrace their relationship and take a back seat for a bit. Do all the things you couldnt do when she was really little, let Dad be 'in charge' for a while

You are MORE than just her Mum you know

Ninx · 27/04/2011 23:15

My DD loves my DH best in many ways and he is her step-father.

I did all that you did. It hurts. YANBU.

ChristinedePizan · 27/04/2011 23:17

I can understand you feeling hurt. Can you go and do some special treat things with her sometimes? Or have girls nights or something? Sounds like you need to find something fun to do that just you and her can share.

Ninx · 27/04/2011 23:18

You can say it here though without judgement I hope

GoInky · 27/04/2011 23:18

Thanks for posting, this is just me. My DS (age 6) confided in his dad that he loves him more than me. It didn't really worry me, as I remember vividly telling my mum I would rather have had our neighbour as a mum that age. She gave us more treats, and helped more with difficult jobs which I loved(haha). At the same time it does worry me, as it does somehow feel a bit painful. Me being the responsible parent, dad doing all the fun things and getting all the love. Also now his dad mentioned I should probably do more fun things with him. I actually do, but he just gets bored with me, my husband is much more funny, puts in much more energy (as it is just one day) and is a man on top of all that. Do I sound a bit jealous? Oh, maybe I am. I did tell dad it's not a popularity contest and of course he dislikes his mum who always nags about his food, clothes, teeth, behaviour, but that's to a certain extend what a mum (parent!) should do. I also did tell my DS that he shouldn't worry, that I love him just the same, no matter how much he loves me more or less than his dad.

BluddyMoFo · 27/04/2011 23:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

byrel · 27/04/2011 23:28

You're being absolutely ridiculous, the idea that you should be your daughter's favourite simply because you are her mother is idiotic

Original poster
Oakmaiden · 27/04/2011 23:32

Thanks for replying - both those who sympathise and those who think I need to grow up and get over it. I know I am being a bit childish - but you know how sometimes it feels like you really need to acknowledge how things really make you feel?

So, anyway. Maybe I should try to do more girlie things with her. To be honest life just seems very rush rush rush - I pick up from school, one or other of the children generally has a club or something to go to, or has friends round after school, then we have supper and baths, then my husband comes home from work and tucks them in bed. I guess I spend very little time with her without her brothers there too. Mind you, neither does my husband....

Ho hum. Maybe I should claim back bedtime from him. Although he makes up little stories for her, which she loves. I'm rubbish at that. So maybe that would be selfish....

OP posts:
Original poster
Oakmaiden · 27/04/2011 23:38

If I was going to be bitchy, buteo, I would say that the fact I do most of the parenting and entertaining should count in my favour. My husband does very little except playing on the computer or listening to his mp3 player/ watching videos on his mp3 player.

But even the - yes. I know you are right. And yet telling myself I'm being daft doesn't actually make me feel differently.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oakmaiden · 27/04/2011 23:40

Dunno why byrel's name decided to change like that! Sorry

OP posts:
bna · 27/04/2011 23:43

Why do you feel the need to be in competition with your husband for your daughters affections. Maybe he is better with children than you, its no disgrace on your part.

RoseC · 27/04/2011 23:50

OP... rather strangely I think you've just expressed my Mum's feelings when I was little (from about five onwards). I was a total Daddy's girl and I told my mother all sorts of things about preferring my father that I now wish I hadn't said. It's not just words but also actions - running to the door to greet Daddy but not being bothered by Mummy etc. It has only been in the last two or so years (I'm 24 in two weeks) that I've realised how much I hurt her and I deeply regret it.

If it reassures you in any way - I still love my Dad and I am a Daddy's girl, but having grown up I have a much stronger bond with my mother that I didn't have as a child. We speak every day and I miss being at home (not homesick, just enjoy it so much and look forward to visiting). I would say I love them equally but in different ways and I certainly have a stronger bond with her - because she dealt with the serious things (boys, boundaries etc.) than I do with my Dad.

YANBU to feel the way you do - we can't help our feelings. YWBU to act on it.