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AIBU?

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Original poster

My daughter loves her Daddy more than she loves me

72 replies

Oakmaiden · 27/04/2011 23:03

I know that I am being unreasonable.

But my daughter (7) loves her Daddy best.

I should be pleased that they have such a lovely relationship.

But I'm not. I'm jealous. I gave birth to her, breastfed her, carried her constantly, co slept with her. I'm the one who longed for a daughter. And now she loves him best (apparently she loved me best as a baby, but says now it is her Daddy's turn. For the past 2 years.)

She should love me best.

I know this is unreasonable - but at the same time I still deeply resent it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oakmaiden · 27/04/2011 23:56

Well, I don't WANT to be. We have 2 boys as well, and there is none of this with them. Mind you, they don't go around telling people exactly where they stand on their "most liked" list. Whereas daughter sits there are says "who do you love best Mummy?" (to which I generally say that I love them all in very different ways, but all so much I couldn't measure) and then she will say something like "well, I love daddy best. I do love you too, mummy, but I love daddy best."

It is hard not to feel rejected, actually. It is nothing to do with wanting to be in competition.

OP posts:
Original poster
Oakmaiden · 28/04/2011 00:05

As it happens, I think pretty much everyone who knows us would find the idea of him being particular good with children, and me not being, fairly hilarious. That said he is much better with our daughter than he is with our boys. Whereas I do tend to treat them fairly evenly.

You know- I love children. I work with them, and I am a rainbow and brownie guider (which i mostly do because of my daughter) plus I help out at beavers. My husband doesn't like other peoples children at all, a d often only tolerates our own....

Can you the the suggestion that my husband might simply be better with children really stung? :s

OP posts:
TheSecondComing · 28/04/2011 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Coconutmummy · 28/04/2011 00:14

YANBU, I could have written this post. Only my daughter is 3.6, it's because her daddy plays with her more than me.( I hope). He does not do much disciplining, and with him, she is totally indulged. I expect I would say the same if I were her.
I do dancing and make up with her to bond. I grew up in a house where this kind of emotional blackmail was common so I am learning to ignore it. I keep telling myself that it's a phase and she will grow out of it. Most of the time i believe that. My sister has 3 boys and never had this.
I am sure she does not really mean it. It feels like a competition because she is saying that constantly to you. It can be upsetting.

lyradaemon · 28/04/2011 00:17

I agree the comment about your husband being better with children was unnecessarily harsh and almost certainly not the case.

My dd (almost 10) has always been more of a daddy's girl, (ex-h) despite the fact that he is a lazy, feckless waste of space who has never done any of the stuff that a proper parent has to do. Though the relationship she has with me gets stronger as she gets older and she realises it's mummy who is there to do the stuff that holds it all together.

I was also very much a daddy's girl when little but that all changed in my late teens and twenties and now my mum and I are really close. Mums and daughters have a special bond but a complicated one too I think.

firstsupermum · 28/04/2011 00:23

my son is 2.1years, i spend most of time with him, taking him out, play with him, feeding him, but once him dad is home, he get to excited, he doent like me to put him to sleep, or feed him, everything is his dad, even that his dad doent want to do it (he will like me to do it to give him a rest), but he loves his dad a lot, i just take it as it is, as i know he loves me too, but maybe i am with him the hall day, with a lotof advices and orders, he prefer his dad.

nzshar · 28/04/2011 00:28

It is defintely the age. At this age a lot of girls become daddys girl and boys become mummys boys. It has been talked about in psycholgical circles even (spit) Freud had some to say about it long ago. It is only a phase though :) thing

PinkCanary · 28/04/2011 00:34

I'm not really bothered who my 7 yr old loves the best. What has infuriated me though is that she thinks Daddy is cleverer than Mummy!! Have no idea how the hell that happened but am quite sure she's wrong...

popAwheelie · 28/04/2011 00:37

A friend of mine posted this as her fb status the other day. Although it is not directly related to your situation I think it is relevant:

At 3 years ''Mummy I love you." At 10 years ''Mum whatever." At 16 years "My mum is so annoying." At 18 years "I'm leaving this house." At 25 years ''Mum, you were right''. At 30 years ''I want to go to Mum's house." At 50 years ''I don't want to lose my mum." At 70 years "I would give up everything to have my mum here with me." You only have one mum. Post this on your wall if you appreciate and love your mum!♥

EllenJane1 · 28/04/2011 00:38

My DS1 told me a few years ago that he loves his dad more than me. And, yes, it does hurt. I suppose DH has a bit more fun with DS than I do, and maybe he's a bit more patient. He's not with them as much as I am, though. I don't let it bother me (much.) I think it's pretty natural.

I did have a stronger bond with my dad than with my mum, so I shouldn't take offence I suppose! [cblush]

Straight2Extremes · 28/04/2011 00:45

Your DD does not belong to you alone despite giving birth to her you are not entitled to being her one and only. It might be a phase, or he might always be a favourite although I am sure she will gain more tact as she ages.

michymommy · 28/04/2011 00:58

I've always loved my dad best we just have a special bond have always done and will always do... I think its a girl thing... Theres really nothing you can do if she said this to you kids are kids and they know what they like if you try to interfeer it will not do you good it wil just make your DD think your the bad guy... My mom knows I prefer my dad because I told her when I was ten... I shouldn't have but she shouldn't have asked... At the end it might just be a phase... May I just say I still love my mom more than anything she's just not my favourite lol...

duckypoo · 28/04/2011 01:02

I don't mean to be facetious, but I would love to be in your position. From birth until now all 3 of my children are totally Mummy centric. I longed for a daddies child who clambered all over him and bit him and wanted him to put them to bed, but no.

They are 7,4 and 1 and all very Mummy Mummy, my dp is a good Dad, very involved but all of them are very focussed on me. I have never encouraged it, dp puts them to bed when here and does a lot of child care. The only thing I can think of is that I am much more physical with them, they are constantly climbing on me/hugging me, I tickle and chuck them about, give them swings and so forth.

I wouldn't take it personally, but I do recognise that it must be hard. Actually will ask dp if he minds being the least favoured parent, has never even occurred to me to ask. But then again I am only in control of my own relationship with my children, it's up to dp to form his relationships. If he wants to be closer to the children thats his own lookout.

MistyB · 28/04/2011 01:04

I think it is an insight into how children do feel things just like we do but are more overt and that even as an adult, what our children say can hurt us whereas our children think / will think that we should be bigger than this.

Can you imagine if you had this conversation with your mother now and she told you she was jealous of your relationship with your Dad when you were 7 years old?

From reading this thread and thinking about my own family, I do think mother daughter relationships are more complex than father / daughter and mother / son ones. And I would love to know if anyone knows of a book that deals sympathetically with this subject?

LDNmummy · 28/04/2011 01:27

She is 7, she will grow out of it when she isolder and needs you more as she becomes a young woman. Just hold out till then Smile

differentnameforthis · 28/04/2011 01:40

I do all the crappy stuff and then she only wants Daddy

maybe she 'loves' daddy 'best' because he does all the fun stuff! Start by making your relationship fun again!

Dd (7) went through a stage of giving everything she made to dh. She made him beautiful pictures, wrote him notes, made him playdough dogs. Anything she brought home form school was for him. I secretly envied it.

The last few months, it has all been for me! O.M.G! What to do with it all! Beado princesses, things to hang in my car, little notes, pieces of paper with a couple of stickers on...it's overtaking my desk!

Be careful what you wish for OP Wink.

And as I said, start being the one who does fun with her, not just day to day boring stuff! Good Luck!

differentnameforthis · 28/04/2011 01:47

Agree SO much with duckypoo. Both dd's want me settling them at night, dh will get the ready & out them to bed, but only I am allowed to brush their teeth, read them a book, tuck them in. It is me they wake in the middle of the night after a nightmare/for a wee (dd2 is 2, recently toilet trained & is getting the feel of her full bladder waking her at night), for de-wormings, wetting the bed (dd1's pet guinea pig died recently & she wet).

It is me they come to to ask for food (don't know why, I always say no Grin) or drinks.

So enjoy the peace, because it won't last long! Smile

Morloth · 28/04/2011 04:23

DS1 loves me best, he doesn't actually say it but you can tell, given the option he will ask for me, want to sit with me.

DS2 likes me just fine until Daddy is around when I become background/food lady.

Who are you actually jealous of? Let them have their special bond, he is teaching her than men and are kind and gentle and read to their babies etc. Don't interfere with that, I think it is very important.

This is also one of the reasons I think I am glad I have boys, from the outside looking in Mother/Daughter looks so much more complicated that Mother/Son.

southofthethames · 28/04/2011 04:45

Hmm.....she's only saying that she loves Daddy best. Who does she turn to when she cries or is distressed? From what you have shared, it could also be that she loves both equally, but maybe wants more time with Daddy so says "I love Daddy best", hoping Daddy will be gratified and then spend more time with her. Young children can (knowingly or subconsciously) sometimes be a little crafty with what they say - I don't think they're being naughty, but I think it's their way of trying to fulfill their unmet need. I've noticed my and some of my friends' kids doing this. Besides, she also said "I love you Mummy". One bonus of this is that you could pass on a few unpopular jobs to your DH - eg telling her to eat her veggies, to tidy her toys, do homework, etc ("well, she likes you more so it's best if you tell her to do it and supervise her")........see which you can get away with :-)
There is also a truism that girls like their daddies more, boys like their mummies more (seems to be true with my cousins when they were little). Don't worry about it, try to capitalise on it! About time you got to be the fun parent too.

VajazzHands · 28/04/2011 05:11

I am not convinced the definition of "love" you have would tie up with your daughter's. I know that children feel love but would dispute that they understand it.

I suspect she loves you both pretty equally (maybe even you more for the way you take care of her) but is currently infatuated with daddy. Almost like a bit of a crush on her dad probably due to the fact that she doens't spend as much time on him!

YANBU to feel sad btw or to feel jealous no one is unreasonable for feeling a certain way sirely? Confused as long as you don't let on that you are jealous and make dd feel guilty you are not being unreasonable

Supermoo · 28/04/2011 07:37

YANBU at all, it does hurt a bit!

You do most of the parenting; therefore you do the tellings off, boundary setting, brush your teeth, eat your veg stuff, yes? It's easier to 'love' someone more when they tell you lovely stories and tuck you in, but your 7 year old defines love differently to you I expect. Your dd loves you, and she will be grateful for all you do and have done for her. Probably not for 15 years yet though.

Seriously, make some time to go out just you two. Talk to dh about how you feel, ask him to swap some of the fun stuff with some of the less fun stuff with her for a while.

Also, at seven your daughter will be learning the power her words have over others and she's experimenting on you. It's tough but she does love you really.

Supermoo · 28/04/2011 07:40

Oh yes, and if it makes you feel any better, my dd (4) told me a while ago that she loves mil more than me. Now that was below the belt!

Turns out at that time she measured love on a scale of how much chocolate ice cream we were willing to dispense...

FunnyBumbleBee · 28/04/2011 07:42

"This is also one of the reasons I think I am glad I have boys, from the outside looking in Mother/Daughter looks so much more complicated that Mother/Son."

You may not still think that, Morloth, when you are the MIL!

My DD is only little but I can see how much she loves her daddy already, her face lights up when he comes in the room. I think it's lovely!

Chandon · 28/04/2011 07:43

maybe reading some psychology books (basic ones, on children) might help.

It is normal for a child this age to for a "romantic" attachment to the parent of the opposite sex.

Around 8, they temporarily lose interest, and for example prefer playing with children of the SAME sex (and the parent). Once she is a teen, it will be her daddy again. prob.

My DS of 6 is in love with his mummy, but my 9 year old son defo prefers playing with his dad. It's the age, and normal.

Your DH is like the "blueprint" for her future partner. don't know if that makes sense to you?

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 28/04/2011 07:49

Maybe it's because you do all the day to day crap.

Mum is always there (whether you work outside the home or not, I don't mean physically always at her side!), mum does the boring stuff, mum (probably?) does the disciplining? is the one who makes you eat your veg.

dad, otoh, is a bit distant (you say he spends much of his time doing his own thing), he's not a constant. He's a bit uncertain.

love him best could actually be desperate for his attention. Make the most of him when he's around and not faffing with something. When you ARE with dad, you're doing something fun. Dad's not the one doing the mundane stuff with you.

Do you see where I am going with this?