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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to say NO PRESENTS for my DS when it is my DD's birthday?

83 replies

LittleOneMum · 27/04/2011 15:01

Oh I have started World War Three with my PIL and my parents. Wink

It is DD's first birthday on Friday (yes, the day of the Royal Wedding [cwink]). We have planned a small ish celebration for her, with friends and family.

My DS is 3.5. I have explained to him that it is DD's birthday, and that on DD's birthday she will get presents and that he will not. That he will get presents on his birthday - in September. And she won't. This is important to me because DS is already spoiled rotten by his GPs and I think it is important to learn this lesson.

Anyway, so I mentioned this on the phone to my PIL and to my Mum, who are coming to the party on Friday. You'd think I'd said I was going to let him go to a party on his own at Garry Glitter's house. Jeez.
"Oh LittleOneMum, you CANNOT be so horrible to him! Poor little thing, he won't understand why she is getting all the presents and attention!" (er, yes he will I have explained)
" But I have already bought him lots of things!" (that's just silly, but you can bring that stuff next time)
"Oh, I am bringing him a small present only" (yeah, right, I saw that parcel that you had delivered from Amazon to my house and it is the size of a tricycle).

AIBU to stand my ground on this?

OP posts:
BaronessVanGoo · 28/04/2011 08:35

YANBU.

I don't see why it is cruel or unnecessary for a child to see that other people get presents on their birthdays.

My DS still bears a grudge that his cousin blew out his birthday candles on his 3rd birthday, because no one (her parents) told her that it was DS's birthday, not hers.

Original poster
LittleOneMum · 28/04/2011 09:44

Aaargh! I thought there would be a consensus of opinion and there has not!

I am NOT trying to control present giving to my children Chandon - trust me, I bite my tongue every time the GPs arrive with huge amounts of plastic tat. Every time they visit. On this very specific occasion, I was just trying to teach my DS that it is DD's special day.

Anyway, I have decided that party bags (which GPs can contribute to) are the way forward. x

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 28/04/2011 09:54

I don't think it is a good idea- but it isn't something to get upset about if they want to do it just let them get on with it.

MerylStrop · 28/04/2011 10:01

Weirdly for me, because I am usually all puritan about such things I think YABU.

I don't think it will give him a skewed sense of entitlement. Nor does it take away from the pleasure of giving something to his sister. He's three. I am not sure that there is, particularly, a lesson to be learned here, unless your son's general behaviour is already unacceptable, in which case you have bigger problems than this. His grandparents will not be around forever. Let them make him and themselves happy.

forehead · 28/04/2011 10:20

I don't bother trying to stop my mother from buying things for my kids. I suppose this is because she is not going to be around for ever and it makes her happy to buy things for them. She has already put money away for them , for when they are older.
I think that the relationship between a grandparent and grandchild can be very special. My children adore my mother and she them. Just let them be.
They don't appear to favour any of the children, so let them get on with it.
YABU

coccyx · 28/04/2011 10:22

i hate this. if they ignore your wishes i would take present away. may seem harsh but PIL need to see you mean business

lazylula · 28/04/2011 10:26

I used to get a small gift on my brother's birthday and vice versa, so I do the same for mine. But when I say small I mean small, a toy car or a colouring book, no more than a couple of pound really and it will not continue into teenage years, it is only to keep them entertained while the birthday child in 'spoilt'. My mum also gives a little present, I think ds1 got a 99p painting set last year and I am sure mil did last year too. I would not be happy with a fortune being spent on the non birthday child.

GloriaSmut · 28/04/2011 11:59

DS1 was 2.5 when ds2 had his first birthday. It never occurred to me to buy him a present since actually, it wasn't his birthday! I don't get the impression he felt at all deprived especially since he got to help his baby brother unwrap the presents and he was certainly highly delighted with the party tea. Fortunately the ILS had the commonsense not to arrive bearing generous gifts that might have lead ds1 to assume you got two birthdays a year...

Chandon · 28/04/2011 13:54

oh those evil grandparents, buying presents for your dc!

Hmm
pozzled · 28/04/2011 14:10

YANBU. I think toddlers can understand from pretty early on that it's not their birthday, and I really don't agree with giving them even a small present in order to avoid tantrums. I do believe that they should see their sibling's birthdays as a special occasion for everyone, though- easy enough to do when you have cake, friends and family round, balloons etc etc. And with a 1 year-old and a 3 year-old your DS will be able to 'help' with opening the presents, and will enjoy looking at and playing with them almost as much as your DD.

I think the party bag idea is a good one though, it can be seen as part of the celebrations rather than getting presents for someone else's birthday.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2011 15:57

Once someone has a DC they think they can control everyone! Your DS will know that it isn't his birthday-he will understand it is an odd quirk of the grandparents.

MollyMurphy · 28/04/2011 16:02

Totally agree with you OP. Its really important for children to learn that some days are not about them and to be able to give a gift without receiving. I'd put my foot down and be quite firm about it. GP's need to respect your parenting wishes.

Miggsie · 28/04/2011 16:03

Why should anyone else get a present on someone else's birthday?

As for feeling left out, well, I went to a wedding once and no one gave me a present. I'm going to cry.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2011 16:16

Some grandparents have a hard time!
It seems a shame if you have been a laid back parent and then you get DCs who have to have control. Some parents not only want to control when they buy it but they want to tell them what to buy!
They will moan if they take no interest and don't spend enough, they will moan if they spend too much.
A present is supposed to be freely given.
It is your DC, they will know that the birthday DC gets a special day and that you won't be making it like Christmas, so it is fairly harmless if the grandparent wants to buy a present. You can always say to the DC-'it is just Granny's odd quirk.' (if I get to be a granny I am going to be very eccentric and out of control-you have to have some fun in old age!!)

megapixels · 28/04/2011 16:35

Well, I think if they are happy to give both children presents it's upto them really. For DD1's birthday everyone who came brought little gifts for DD2 too. We were quite surprised at this, but it was quite nice. She (DD2) got small gifts - like a small sticker album, coin purse and stuff like that. DD1 was just as excited about seeing DD2's gifts too, I think it was actually nice to see that children can get pleasure out of other children being happy too. I don't think you'll see DD1 posting a thread like "But I'm the birthday princess, AIBU to feel hurt and miserable that someone glanced in the general direction of DSis when it's my birthday?" Wink

barbie007 · 28/04/2011 16:59

YABU. I always give all my dcs a small present when it's one of their birthdays. They're only little for such a short time. Before you realise they're 13 and not wanting to spend any time with you

MollyMurphy · 28/04/2011 17:17

Still, I think its disrespectful for a GP to bring a gift for both children when OP's already expressed that is not what she wants - whether one thinks its controlling or not (which I don't personally). Why undermine the parents who think its not appropriate? That just breeds resentment IMO.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2011 17:21

I think it is disrespectful to try and control other people's present giving.

MollyMurphy · 28/04/2011 17:26

Who's being controlling - the parents who respectfully stated their wishes or the GP who wont bend?

Ephiny · 28/04/2011 17:30

It does seem rude and disrespectful to tell people when/to whom they can give presents - that's not really how gifts work! I know some gifts are more welcome than others, but it's good manners not to let the giver see that you feel that way.

I do think it's a bit odd and it wouldn't have occurred to me really to bring anything other than gift for the child who's birthday it is, but if they want to be generous and give something to all the children, that's up to them. It seems a bit precious to demand that no other child is allowed to have a present because it happens to be one child's birthday - and not a very nice lesson for the birthday child either.

Anyway some grandparents bring presents every time they visit, whether it's someone's birthday or not! Maybe if it's really out of control and you're being absolutely swamped with mountains of unwanted stuff you might have to have a tactful word eventually, but otherwise just smile and be nice!

exoticfruits · 28/04/2011 17:43

They are certinly not going to get on if they both make such a big deal over a trivial matter! If I was the grandparent I would abide by the parents, if I was the parents I would abide by the grandparents. On a scale of 1-10 does it really matter?! Relax.

exoticfruits · 28/04/2011 17:43

sorry -certainly

pigletmania · 28/04/2011 17:53

Yanbu at all this habit is Hmm. how the he'll are kids supposed to learn. No wonder there are some utterly spoilt prince and princesses about. Tell them to give them to ds on his birthday as it's not his birthday it's dd.

lazylula · 28/04/2011 17:55

OP, you can still teach your son it is your dd's special day. Ds1 totally understands it is his brother's special day, we do the whole taking him out to choose a pressie for ds2 ect and the day is centred around the birthday child. Your ds will only be getting a present from 2 sets of people, evryone else will be there and cooing over dd, she will be the centre of attention ect.

Also, some people need to read the OP, it isn't just the IL's with the presents but it is amazing to see how a few choose to point out how the IL's need to be shown their place by the DIL!

pigletmania · 28/04/2011 18:01

Why can't they give ds his presents a few days later ant something very small on dd birthday