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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to say NO PRESENTS for my DS when it is my DD's birthday?

83 replies

LittleOneMum · 27/04/2011 15:01

Oh I have started World War Three with my PIL and my parents.

It is DD's first birthday on Friday (yes, the day of the Royal Wedding [cwink]). We have planned a small ish celebration for her, with friends and family.

My DS is 3.5. I have explained to him that it is DD's birthday, and that on DD's birthday she will get presents and that he will not. That he will get presents on his birthday - in September. And she won't. This is important to me because DS is already spoiled rotten by his GPs and I think it is important to learn this lesson.

Anyway, so I mentioned this on the phone to my PIL and to my Mum, who are coming to the party on Friday. You'd think I'd said I was going to let him go to a party on his own at Garry Glitter's house. Jeez.
"Oh LittleOneMum, you CANNOT be so horrible to him! Poor little thing, he won't understand why she is getting all the presents and attention!" (er, yes he will I have explained)
" But I have already bought him lots of things!" (that's just silly, but you can bring that stuff next time)
"Oh, I am bringing him a small present only" (yeah, right, I saw that parcel that you had delivered from Amazon to my house and it is the size of a tricycle).

AIBU to stand my ground on this?

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 27/04/2011 15:48

I can see your point and I agree that it's not necessary (3.5 is old enough to understand it's not his birthday yet). However, if they bring presents everytime they come, then this really isn't the best time for you to put your foot down on it - do you see what I mean?

You might want to explain to both sets of grandparents that you don't want them bringing gifts everytime they come because you want your children to look forward to seeing them, not seeing what they bring.

Shakirasma · 27/04/2011 15:49

None of my children have ever been given gifts on their siblings birthdays and I have never had tantrums from any of them about it.

We always celebrate the birthdays with a family party or family day out so all the kids enjoy the day. But I think it's nice for each child to have one day a year which is their own special day where they alone get presents and that little bit extra attention.

dolldaggabuzzbuzz · 27/04/2011 15:54

YABU. I remember my younger siblings getting presents from extended family on my birthdays in the 70s. We were never spoilt like that apart from Christmas. It made the day really wonderful for us all and never did us any harm.

PorcelinaOfTheVastOceans · 27/04/2011 16:24

YANBU at all, stick to your guns!

on a side, it's my DD's first birthday on friday too! [cgrin]
happy birthday to littleonemum jr for then!

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 27/04/2011 16:33

My kids always get a small gift on the others birthday, why not? Two special days a year for them to share. Not a massive deal in my opinion. Though perhaps if I had six dc I might think somewhat differently [cgrin].

TallulahBetty · 27/04/2011 16:37

When DB and I were kids, we used to get one pressie on the other's birthday.

However I don't think this was for any reason, and it didn't make us spoiled or expectant or anything else.

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 27/04/2011 17:02

Porcelina Happy Birthday to Porcelina Jr too!

Oooh, a real conflict of opinion ladies. I can kind of see your 'maybe a small thing so that he doesn't go off on one and ruin the occasion' argument tbh.

I can also see that it doesn't have to be forever.

But I do fundamentally disagree with the poster who said that it's weird buying a present for a one year old. No it isn't! I have bought my DD a wooden carousel which winds up underneath and then the horses move up and down to some music. She is going to love it.

I think the consensus is: very small gift.

I already know what is going to happen though. I will say nothing more and then they will take him up to his room and give him presents behind my back, the sneakly so and sos.

OP posts:

pommedechocolat · 27/04/2011 17:10

YANBU.
Birthdays are about the person who's birthday it is. Dur.
Just make sure that there is lots of lovely party food that will excite a 3 year old.
I would get him to chose a present to give her and make a big deal about that to make it exciting for him.
I wouldn't give in to even a small gift for him.

pommedechocolat · 27/04/2011 17:12

Dd loves helping open presents (13 months) and 'gets' the idea of a nice thing inside. Not odd at all to give a 1 year old a present.
I would be very angry with GPs sneaking in presents behind my back though.

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 27/04/2011 17:12

I should say that we went to a shop and chose a present for her which is from him and he loved doing that very much. He chose a doll which said "not suitable for children under the age of 3" and he whispered in my ear "Let's not tell the lady at the till that we're buying it for DD, let's pretend it is for me" - bless.

OP posts:

Bellie · 27/04/2011 17:14

MIL does this with DD and DS and it annoys the hell out of me too. DD is now definately old enough (6) to understand - she goes to other peoples birthdays and gets a party bag and thats what she gets at her brothers birthdays too.
Luckily DH has been very firm on the 'no mother!" stance and whilst MIL still tries to do it, she now gives it either very late on in the day or the next day as a small thing, and in fairness also has a very small thing for ds as an extra.

Every year though we have the conversation with her about NOT doing it, but it doesn't seem to sink in..........

Original poster

LittleOneMum · 27/04/2011 17:17

Oooh, genius idea. I'd forgotten about party bags. We have a few kids coming, so I will make party bags and then if DS does kick off I can tell him he is getting presents in a party bag. Oh, Mumsnet jury, you have saved me once more.

[cgrin]

OP posts:

maydaymayay · 27/04/2011 17:32

Yanbu. Such a ridiculous notion this. My dc all look forward to each others birthday because they know it means a bit of cake. But they are also genuinely excited to give little presents they have bought for their sibling. It was ds yesterday and all 5 sat on the bed as he opened his and exclaimed over his presents, 'cool, brilliant, etc' His party is this evening and they are all silly with excitement. I think its pretty bad if they cant just be happy for someone else,no matter how young they are. When there was a new baby in the house I thought it was lovely when people brought sweets or something for the others so they wouldnt feel left out, but not at bdays

FreudianSlipOnACrown · 27/04/2011 18:04

Party bags are a great plan. Maybe the GPs could choose the party bag gift for DS out of what they already bought?

Or would that mean they wouldn't get the credit/thanks for it [chmm]

Not that I'm cynical or anything...

Apart from party bags I'd say no to any other 'obvious' gift at all. IMHO it is like saying you can't enjoy someone else having a good time unless you get something out of it. (mind you some people might say that about party bags anyway!)

bananasinpjamas · 28/04/2011 02:10

I got a small gift up until I was 10 (usually chocolate, small amount of money, book vouchers) , and up until I was 13 I got a £10 phone top-up. I can assure you that I am not spoilt rotten or evil. :)

Do what you think would work best for your family, don't feel pressurized by others. If you want to get him a small gift if that what makes you comfortable, that's fine, I'm sure he won't grow up to be a knob because of you taking his feelings into account, on the other hand, if you don't want to set a prescedent, I'm sure he won't feel deprived.

Whatever works for you. :)

TechnoKitten · 28/04/2011 04:26

I have never given either of my children a gift on the other's birthday and I think it's odd to do so - unless they're twins, of course :)

They both love birthdays in general and I've never had a problem with a tantrum from either of them (current ages: 3 & 5) regarding why one is given presents when the other isn't. They know when their birthdays are, what they represent, why we give presents to one and not the other on those days and that they will get their turn on their special day.

I would be extremely annoyed with any grandparents who felt it OK to sneak upstairs behind my back and give one child presents on the other's birthday when I had specifically requested that they didn't do this. That they love your children and want to give them presents is fab and lovely and to be appreciated, but that they think it's OK to be sneaky behind your back is less so.

goodbyemrschips · 28/04/2011 07:28

What does it really matter, just tell him that gps have given him pressies because they love both of them very much....it is only twice a year.

Tell him other people dont do it just his gps cause they are special.

Dont spoil it for the gps.

When they get older and they both want an i pod touch you can leave that to the gps.

Bluemoonrising · 28/04/2011 07:35

YANBU. I wish I had put my foot down about this years ago, but the GPs started this nonsense and I ended up going along with it (and spending extra money on the non-birthday child) as a result.

Thankfully though, when the youngest was 12 he decided that he didn't want this any more, so it has now stopped.

WhiteBumOfTheMountain · 28/04/2011 07:41

YABU. ONE little thing won't turn DS into a screaming brat for life! He's 3! He won't really understand no matter how much you explain. Can't he just have something small like new bubbles or a colouring book and pens?

[puts arm round' OPs Mum and PILS]

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 07:55

When will it stop though? Will they still be spending the same on both childrens birthdays in 15 years time?

I would put down and keep down my foot on this, and I would also go mad if they went behind my back because one thing you dont do is undermine a parent no matter how much you disagree with them.

The whole idea that you should let them do it just to keep the peace is bollox frankly! How far should you go to keep the peace?! They are your children, you have decided that this isnt happening and thats that. They will get over it. We had Xmas issues a few years ago and some noses were put out of joint but they soon got over it when they realised that we were standing our ground and that ultimately it was them (Parents and ILs) that would lose out.

If you let them bully you know you might as well hand over care of them to the GPs, becasue they will just do it more and more knowing that you will let them.

Bogeyface · 28/04/2011 07:57

now
because

Its early :o

goodbyemrschips · 28/04/2011 07:57

What does it matter to the OP if they are buying both of them pressies twice a year?

Nobody else will and it will just be their gps

Reality · 28/04/2011 07:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Chandon · 28/04/2011 08:05

yabu in trying to controll present giving to your children.

it's not your call!

Weta · 28/04/2011 08:26

Each to their own, but I never give the sibling a present on the other child's birthday. DS1 (7) has always taken great pleasure in thinking of presents for DS2 (3), often giving old toys of his own that he thinks DS2 will now enjoy.

DS2 we have always just told that it is DS1's birthday, although we do encourage DS1 to let him play with some of the new stuff so that he feels included.

But when a friend has a baby, I ALWAYS give a present for the older sibling(s) as well as the new baby, as I think that is a really tough time for the older child.

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