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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am a bit upset with my dad and not sure if IABU?

74 replies

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 09:51

I may be, would you be upset?

Long story short:

I have an amicable, but distant relationship with my dad and step-mum. I have a half-sister on his side (16 years younger) who I dote on, am proud of and love to bits. Our birthdays are 3 days apart. They are also very well off (new car every 6 months etc...)

Ok, last year (I have been mulling this for some time) it was agreed that to celebrate both birthdays we would meet up in Bath for a weekend. DF decided that as a treat for my birthday he would save for us to stay in a very posh hotel. We told dad and step-mum this.

After a lovely day we all went for a meal. Half-sister was given all her presents, and I was given...none. My dad then says "oh, we are going to pay the hotel bill for you as a present".

I can't help but feel that he just didn't bother to look for a present, just threw some money (and it's pocket money for them so no effort to save either) at me. Also, they knew DF had been saving hard to treat me...

Am I being reasonable to be hurt that they didn't make an effort, or am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:

millie30 · 27/04/2011 09:56

Who was paying for your sister's hotel stay?

hairylights · 27/04/2011 09:56

Yabu.

pjmama · 27/04/2011 09:56

Look at it this way, DF can now spend the money he'd been saving for the the hotel on a great present for you instead, which you can choose yourself so you get exactly what you want. They probably just didn't know what to get you, you said yourself your relationship is distant. I don't really blame them for not wanting to risk wasting money on something you didn't really want. I think you might be a teensy bit U!

cantspel · 27/04/2011 09:57

How old is your sister? is she still a child or adult like you

SarkyLady · 27/04/2011 09:57

Impossible for us to know tbh.
IME it is really common for younger half siblings to get the lions share of presents/attention etc and it is impossible to know whether this is because they are younger or because they are 'more loved'.

Is he usually interested in you and your life?

Sirzy · 27/04/2011 09:58

Yanbu. If he had said in advance that was the plan then fair enough but what you describe (rightly or wrongly) makes it appear an after thought.

Tuggy · 27/04/2011 10:01

Who paid for your sisters hotel room?

And how old is she

I think the whole thing hinges on this

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 27/04/2011 10:01

How old are you? How old is your sister?

I know my parents now prefer to give me money than to buy a present as it is difficult to know what you would really like if you no longer live with someone. Also they knew that your df had been saving hard to stay in a hotel and perhaps thought that he would know what you would like as a present more?

what is the relationship like between your df and your father?

ConnorTraceptive · 27/04/2011 10:01

I think yabu tbh. It was obviously a very nice and expensive hotel if you needed tO save up so it was generous of them to pay doesn't matter how well off they are a gift is a gift. I would be very happy to have the sPare cash to spend on myself

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 10:02

Sorry, sis is 11 so I fully understand her getting actual presents.

They don't really take an interest in me at all, but I do usually get a "what would you like for your birthday/Xmas" phonecall. I usually ask for something specific like a book or DVD.

OP posts:

zukiecat · 27/04/2011 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueFergie · 27/04/2011 10:03

Wow I'd be delighted with that I have to say. Saves DF a lot of money which he can spend on something else. I don't normally consider someones income when deciding if their gift is appropriate. Your father probably didn't now what to get you and thinks that this is definitely something you would appreciate while freeing up some cash for you and DF to enjoy. Turns out he was wrong. YABU.

Sirzy · 27/04/2011 10:05

The fact she is so young does change it a bit IMO.

Use the money your dh had saved for another nice day out together!

GiddyPickle · 27/04/2011 10:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

COCKadoodledooo · 27/04/2011 10:06

So you're 27? I'd be more than happy with my dad footing the bill for my posh hotel stay at that age! And as pjmama points out, you can still spend the money dh saved up.

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 10:07

Sorry, on phone so my typing is slow!

Sis is 11 so was staying with them. DF was a bit shocked as he had told them our plan and felt his present had been stolen almost.

It's not that sis got more presents (she's a child, so naturally she will get more) it's that I feel no effort was made. Almost an "oh, we will just pay the bill, there, sorted."

I don't know, maybe I am just being ungrateful.

I did say thank you nicely and gave no indication that I was hurt. Wouldn't do that to them.

OP posts:

BluddyMoFo · 27/04/2011 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GloriaSmut · 27/04/2011 10:10

YABU and, I'm sorry to say you come across as thoroughly grasping. Your parents have footed the bill at a nice hotel which couldn't have come cheap and yet you still want more, more more. Grow up.

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 10:12

Hmm, ok, guess I need to change my thinking somewhat. Might be linked to their general dis-interedness!

Just for the record, I'm not taking their income into account, I mentioned that to make it clear it was not something they had to save for. I wouldhace been happy with a CD or book or something my dad actually went out and bought himself.

It was last year by the way, so the money saved is a non-issue now.

OP posts:

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 27/04/2011 10:13

Sorry, yabu, she is 11, you got something that probably equates to nearly £200 or more. I am sorry your df was so put out, but you are an adult and she is a child, if you wanted something specific you should have said, or you could have asked for vouchers. To me it sounds like you are cross that you aren't so well known by your father as your dhs, sadly this often happens with second marriages as if your parents dv and you remained with your dm then he isn't going to be so confident with you as he is with the child that he lives with full time. I think paying for a hotel is a bit more thoughtful than just giving you cash, he obviously didn't want you or df to scrimp on your hotel stay.

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 27/04/2011 10:16

I think you might be out on a loop expecting your dfather to go out and get you a book he had bought himself. I am your sister and I think it is very rare for my father to go out and physically buy me a present or any of my siblings for that matter.

The other thing is, would you not have been doing this anyway that you dhs got loads of presents and you got a book or a dvd?

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 10:16

Gloriasmut you have missed my point entirely. I didn't want more at all. I wanted something that showed a bit of thought had gone into its selection.

Ok, I guess I was (and am) unreasonable.

OP posts:

TeddyMcardle · 27/04/2011 10:19

I think YABU sorry, she's 11, your an adult, you've said you had a lovely day and this was last year! Time to stop stewing!

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 10:19

Theprincessroyal Nope, as she is a child and therefore gets more presents. I understand that. I think you hve hit the nail on the head though. I think I do feel that he doesn't know me as well.

OP posts:

ConnorTraceptive · 27/04/2011 10:20

Sorry but going out and buying a specific book or cd you've requested requires no thought or effort either. You had a lovely weekend with your family to celebrate BOTH birthdays and you dad footed the bill. I really fail to see what your issue is here?

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