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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I am a bit upset with my dad and not sure if IABU?

74 replies

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 09:51

I may be, would you be upset?

Long story short:

I have an amicable, but distant relationship with my dad and step-mum. I have a half-sister on his side (16 years younger) who I dote on, am proud of and love to bits. Our birthdays are 3 days apart. They are also very well off (new car every 6 months etc...)

Ok, last year (I have been mulling this for some time) it was agreed that to celebrate both birthdays we would meet up in Bath for a weekend. DF decided that as a treat for my birthday he would save for us to stay in a very posh hotel. We told dad and step-mum this.

After a lovely day we all went for a meal. Half-sister was given all her presents, and I was given...none. My dad then says "oh, we are going to pay the hotel bill for you as a present".

I can't help but feel that he just didn't bother to look for a present, just threw some money (and it's pocket money for them so no effort to save either) at me. Also, they knew DF had been saving hard to treat me...

Am I being reasonable to be hurt that they didn't make an effort, or am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:
ZillionChocolate · 27/04/2011 10:23

From his perspective though, he got you something you'd like. It's hardly a petrol station present. I can understand why you feel disappointed but I think you're being a little unreasonable. Have another weekend away with DF in that hotel or somewhere equally lovely.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 27/04/2011 10:25

Actually I don't think you are. How does your DF feel about it? If I was your DF, and had come up with a great idea of treating you to a weekend away in a nice hotel, I'd be pissed off if your father and stepmother had then taken away my present by insisting that they pay for it.

zikes · 27/04/2011 10:27

It is a bit of an afterthought the way it was done - and it would have been nice if they'd told your df so he could have relaxed and spent the money on something nice for you.

So yanbu to feel not much effort/thought went into it, but at the same time, it was a nice thing. I say you and df should go out and spend the money he'd saved for the hotel room, and have a good time and try not to let it rankle.

Stopthenonsense · 27/04/2011 10:27

Would he have known what to buy you?

Neither of my parents could buy me a book or DVD that I'd want.

boysrock · 27/04/2011 10:27

Actuallly I think yanbu. However your father was.

If your df had decided to treat you to a stay at a hotel as a present then I think it is somewhat arrogant of your father to then pay for it without first discussing it with your df.

Tbh if I was your Df I would be quite put out at the presumption.

Original poster
Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 10:30

Thank you all for not flaming me too badly.

ChaoticAngel He was a bit upset as he had been saving really hard and hadn't known that tht was what they were going to do. Somebody up-thread said exactly how it felt at the time. Like an afterthought.

OP posts:
raedrenn · 27/04/2011 10:30

I don't think you ABU either. As chaoticangel said - it was your DH's idea, which he had been saving for, which was instantly belittled by your father and stepmother, for whom it is no big deal.

Maybe have a word - say you are very grateful but it rather stole DH's thunder. A cheque for you to spend on whatever you wanted would have been preferable if they didn't have any gift in mind.

Original poster
Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 10:31

Sorry Zikes cross post!

OP posts:
BluddyMoFo · 27/04/2011 10:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lancelottie · 27/04/2011 10:41

I do sort of understand how you feel, and par of it is hurt on your DH's part, isn't it?

I bought DH a camera for his birthday (well, I clicked on the link he'd so-casually left on the computer screen, but I did pay, receive parcel, and wrap it up!). Two days after his birthday, MIL phoned DH to say 'I've put some money in your account, so if you wouldn't mind just counting that camera as being your present from me?'

Grrrr.

MrSpoc · 27/04/2011 10:59

I fully understand where you are coming from Op.

My dad is the same (but does not have alot of money). every birthday and christmas he never gets the presents but it is left to his wife to buy. (always tat but its the thought that counts). I would love it if he spent the time and the effort to go out and buy me something, anything (we both love fishing so would be easy for him to get me some bait or floats etc).

He also has step children who always get 10x more because it is left to thier mum to buy.

Is this what you meant Op?

olderandwider · 27/04/2011 11:15

YANBU Basically your dad nicked your DF's present idea, which is at best tactless at worst arrogant.

Your dad probably didn't look at his actions in the way you have, but he did show lack of thought, even if the value of the present was "generous".

CinnabarRed · 27/04/2011 11:20

What olderandwider said.

Original poster
Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 11:26

Thank you olderandwider and mrspoc that is exactly it.

OP posts:
RunningDay · 27/04/2011 11:29

I don't think you're BU either. It's disrespectful of your father to take away from your DF the time, planning and saving he put into his gift to you.

It's not about the money. It's the thoughfulness and love your DF demonstrated with this gift that makes it special, and sad that your father did not recognise that.

knittedbreast · 27/04/2011 11:29

your feelings are not unreasonable. but you are 27, not really a child anymore and this 11 year old girl is still very young. How would you expect him to know what you read or listen too? since he didnt ask before bday gift you should have had an inclination.

Maybe he preffered to pay for the hotel rather than throwing 200 at you? you have to try and accept the gift from the point of view of the giver, maybe you will see it differently then

RunningDay · 27/04/2011 11:33

But don't dwell too much, probably the best thing is to plan how you and your DF can now enjoy the funds he put together Smile

PlopPlopPing · 27/04/2011 11:37

I can understand why you are upset! I would have been wondering why they would pay for the hotel as a present when they already knew that was the present from your DP. The only reason I would have thought of is that it was easiest and required minimal effort (writing a cheque?). I would have been upset too in your shoes. If your DP had bought your some slippers (for example) would they then have handed him the cash for them and said "no we are giving her them instead"? No they wouldn't have.

AccioPinotGrigio · 27/04/2011 11:51

I don't think it was arrogant of your dad to pay for the hotel. He probably thought he was doing you a favour and that you would be pleased to use the money you had saved was now free to use on another treat. Two treats for the price of one. I think your 'how dare you save us money' response to this act is more unreasonable.

My dad never gave much thought to birthday and christmas presents for myself and my sister once we reached adulthood. In fact every Christmas for the last 5 years of his life he bought us the same vile chocolate covered marzipan

In the end it was easier to laugh about it than get upset. We were able to laugh because he was a lovely guy, he loved us so much and showed it in ways that didn't require the flashing of any cash. Sorry to sound morbid but now he's dead I am certainly not missing all the birthday presents he never bought.

If your dad is consistently a selfish, thoughtless and mean, bastard then maybe YANBU but to be honest he doesn't sound that bad.

AccioPinotGrigio · 27/04/2011 11:53

And this was a YEAR ago. If this is your only gripe with him in the space of a year ie he hasn't done anything else then you need to move on.

colditz · 27/04/2011 12:04

Your half sibling is eleven years old, she's still a little girl! The way you write your OP, one could be forgiven for thinking she's 25!

Of course she got given a load of presents to unwrap, she's still a child and you're a grown woman!

You need to grow up a bit, and stop letting the half-sibling issue blind you to the fact that you are much much older than her and should expect to be treated completely differently.

Original poster
Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 12:22

colditz please read the rest of the thread. I love my little sister and begrude her nothing. This is not about her at all, it is about the relationship (or lack of) between my father and me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 12:26

AccioPinotGrico oh, this is not my only issue, hence the distance in our relationship. I keep things amicable mostly for little sisters sake. I chose not to elaborate on other issues as I feel they have no relevance to this, and I know I am not being unreasonable about them!

OP posts:
Ephiny · 27/04/2011 12:29

YABU, you're a grown woman and it's ridiculous to be jealous of a little girl getting more presents/fuss on her birthday.

Especially as you did get quite a generous 'gift' from your father, who also spent the day celebrating with you (doesn't sound like a lack of a relationship to me - he didn't have to do either of those things). And surely now your DF still has that money he's been saving to 'treat' you with, so you have that to look forward to as well! And you're still not happy? You sound very ungrateful and grasping really. I don't get this at all.

colditz · 27/04/2011 12:31

I've read the whole thread before I posted, and I still think you're being childish.

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