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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I am a bit upset with my dad and not sure if IABU?

74 replies

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 09:51

I may be, would you be upset?

Long story short:

I have an amicable, but distant relationship with my dad and step-mum. I have a half-sister on his side (16 years younger) who I dote on, am proud of and love to bits. Our birthdays are 3 days apart. They are also very well off (new car every 6 months etc...)

Ok, last year (I have been mulling this for some time) it was agreed that to celebrate both birthdays we would meet up in Bath for a weekend. DF decided that as a treat for my birthday he would save for us to stay in a very posh hotel. We told dad and step-mum this.

After a lovely day we all went for a meal. Half-sister was given all her presents, and I was given...none. My dad then says "oh, we are going to pay the hotel bill for you as a present".

I can't help but feel that he just didn't bother to look for a present, just threw some money (and it's pocket money for them so no effort to save either) at me. Also, they knew DF had been saving hard to treat me...

Am I being reasonable to be hurt that they didn't make an effort, or am I being ungrateful?

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 27/04/2011 12:31

I understand. I think.

Is it this -

It's not about the money.
It's not about the present.
It's about the idea that someone going out to buy a gift requires thought, time - their time mainly! Anyone can chuck money at you, but taking the time to go out and choose a gift for you says that they are thinking of you.

If you feel that your dad never had or has time for you, then him just chucking money at you re-enforces this. He said he was going to pay the bill - he hadn't even put money in a card beforehand! - he didn't even take the time to buy you a gift (and that to you is significant because of your feelings that he doesn't give of himself and of his time)

Or am I barking up the wrong tree?

AccioPinotGrigio · 27/04/2011 12:32

OK. So, on the face of the information given you appear to be unreasonable.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/04/2011 12:40

You're not unreasonable, OP, if posters read what you're actually saying, it's to do with the thought behind it (or lack), rather than what paying the hotel bill gesture actually was.

Men can be a lot more pragmatic and less romantic than women. They can often just focus, blinkeredly, on the issue at hand and, coupled with a lack of imagintion and faced with a daughter of difficult age to buy for (anywhere between 12 and 70), he chose the the easy option. He shanghai'ed your DF's present to you, probably thinking that he'd freed up some DF money for DF to buy you something else.

Put it down to a lack of attention rather than a lack of affection, OP. :)

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 12:43

Hecate that is exactly it, and exactly why I feel upset!

Ok, to give another example...

If I had posted "Is my dad being unreasonable to refuse to visit his dying mother because the journey is inconvienient?" would I have been flamed?

He is disinterested in anyone and anything that isn't in his immeadiate vicinity.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 12:46

Thank you lyingwitchinthewardrobe. You have managed to sum it up better than I did!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/04/2011 12:52

Mumofalump... My Mum actually does this too. My DH decided to buy me a portable dvd player for my birthday because I'm away a lot and like to watch dvds... it's also a bit of a joke between us because I complain about CSI and all it's derivatives, being on TV four nights a week (I hate them). My Mum asked him what he was buying me... and she insisted on taking the present for herself. I was a bit miffed because it's lazy, my DH had to buy it - and I had to deliver it to her, unwrapped, pretending that I didn't know what it was, so she could wrap it and take her bow... I love her, but honestly I was and .

You're not on your own... honestly.

Tolalola · 27/04/2011 12:52

I think it's actually quite nice of your dad and does not necessarily indicate a lack of thought. He may have realised that the hotel was a significant cost for you and your DF to cover and have thought that you would be really pleased or relieved to suddenly have the 'worry' of paying the hotel bill removed.

AccioPinotGrigio · 27/04/2011 12:54

Who knows if you would have been flamed. And the story behind that statement could be complex enough to warrant the answer that no he is not being unreasonable for not visiting his mother.

PlopPlopPing · 27/04/2011 12:54

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Why did you do it?! You should have just said no that's what DH is getting me!

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 12:59

Ok. I had not considered before that he may have been trying to help with costs. That was unreasonable of me. However if he was, surely he should have mentioned it to DF and asked if we would like that.

In conclusion, I don't definitively know what his motives were (thoughtlessness, naievity (sp?) or genuine desire to help) and without asking him which I would never do as that would just be nasty, I will never know.

Lesson learned to move on!

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 27/04/2011 13:05

PlopPlopPing... But, but, but... one brooks no argument with the Mothership. She's lovely, she really is but she's very forceful... my DH was powerless to defend himself and I couldn't intervene as I 'didn't know about it', I took my 'present' in a black bag and delivered it to my Mum.

She decided to cook for my brothers over Easter weekend and invited us too, I declined politely, we both work full time and I see her once a week at least anyway. She told me that she'd bring some food up in the evening, I declined politely again, saying that I hadn't been that well (which she knew) and was still off heavy, meat-laden, Austrian food. She said, "I'll bring it for tomorrow then..." I managed to put her off saying that it would be wasted... but this is only a reprieve, I know it.

AccioPinotGrigio · 27/04/2011 13:17

Maybe he wanted it to be a surprise?

Some men are just inately thoughtless. It either bothers you or it doesn't I suppose.

My dh is like this and today is a classic example. He is on holiday, he got up early and started to make bacon and eggs with tea and toast FOR HIMSELF. He got a bollocking about not throwing a bit of bacon on for me for which he aplogised but then went on to make lunch FOR HIMSELF and he has just this minute walked into the living room with a cup of tea FOR HIMSELF whilst I am sitting here suring the net working.

He is a thoughtless twat sometimes and un-emotional, I could quite see him not going to visit his mum in hospital if she were ill, but he is also very loving and supportive. I really hope that your dad does balance out his lack of thought in the gift buying department with love and quality time.

pinkyonthebeach · 27/04/2011 13:21

I understand where you are coming from.
It was quite rude of your dad to nick your husbands present and use the concept of it as his own.
When it comes to giving gifts though, its an art to getting it right and I dont know a single bloke that gets it right.

However you can just convert it in your own head to some actual cash. Tell your hubby that his kindness and thought for your birthday in paying for the nice hotel remains unchanged in your own mind.

It was I guess a rather nice amount of money which you can now use to buy something special, (can you get that cash from your husband or is that touchy?)
Something equally birthday like and fun for yourself. If you havent done so already - convert the hotel money into handbag money, clothes money, whatever you love to have! If its a year ago, no worries, do it as soon as possible and enjoy the gift your dad gave you, although he did get it wrong - in a faux pas sort of way he did want you to have it.

I am constantly converting gifts into something else, example: Got a next voucher I didnt want - been spending it bit by bit on kids clothes, have converted the Next spending into spare cash to buy something I do want. I dont tell the giver thats what I am doing of course - and I am not taking offense when I get gifts that dont work for me.

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 13:25

He doesn't though acciopinotgrico. Not at all. That's why I felt so bad about this. If he did usually make an effort then I would have interpreted his gift differently. The fact that he usually can't even remember my name, my sons name or my fiancé's name just made me feel that his throwing some money at the situation was yet another cop-out.

Yes, he didn't have to meet up with me and we did have a lovely day. Oh, I don't know...

OP posts:

5Foot5 · 27/04/2011 13:25

I am lost. What is a DF? I thought it would be "Dear Father" but the dad seems to be featuring in this story elsewhere...

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 13:28

pinkyonthebeach - thank you, that is a good idea! The saved cash actually went on household stuff, but in a way that was good as it meant my account was healthier as a result.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mumofaflump · 27/04/2011 13:29

5foot5 DF is either Dear Father or Dear Fiance.

OP posts:

cantpooinpeace · 27/04/2011 13:36

YABU, he's paid for your hotel ffs I'd be more than grateful for that. I'd say that's a generous gift!

Ephiny · 27/04/2011 13:39

I think OP maybe you need to let go a bit and stop worrying about what your father is like, what he thinks of you, what your 'relationship' is etc. You're a grown woman with your own independent life, and maybe you and your DF will be starting your own family, these child-parent issues really don't matter any more.

I know it's not always that easy - my parents drive me crazy in different ways when I'm around them, but I try to just accept that they are who they are, they're never likely to change now, and their opinions and actions don't affect me any more. Just inwardly do a face at the more eccentric things they might do or say, then get on with your own life.

AccioPinotGrigio · 27/04/2011 13:42

Mmmm. There's more to this than you've posted and I'm not complaining that you haven't posted it all, clearly it isn't possible to detail the intricacies of a father/daughter relationship on an internet forum.

You seem to suggest that you would rather keep things amicable than address this with him but might that be an option? Granted, it doesn't sound as though it would get you far. Maybe it is a case of just managing your expectations so that his behaviour no longer hurts you so much.

Have you been to the Relationships board. You might find some good advice there on how to protect yourself from 'dissapointing' parents.

RunningDay · 27/04/2011 17:02

He can't remember your name?

PlopPlopPing · 28/04/2011 10:08

Why can't he remember your name?

ThePrincessRoyalFiggyrolls · 28/04/2011 10:10

Well tbf, my dad always gets my name wrong! The question is if he can remember his other childs name and his wife's name as my dad can never remember as there are too many of us - quite often my mother or I have been called by someone else in the family's name. TBH it isn't a big deal, it has happened for years!

Have you considered that perhaps he was thinking that as you were all away together (you, dh, dsis, sm and him) that you might want to use YOUR hotel birthday present from your dh on a night for just the two of you or 3 if your ds was born. (Was your ds born at the time, was he thinking you might like to have a night away before the birth?)

There are lots of variants here where he or you abu or could be being ur in your process, for example is this something that he does every year on birthdays and xmas? In one of your posts you said he/sm rings to find out what you would like and you give them suggestions of books/dvds etc - so its not as if they are being totally thoughtless as they want to give you something that you want. Bottom line is he wanted to give you something that you wanted and you got it, albeit at the expense of your dh (am not defending that - but actually happens quite a lot here where one of us will buy something and someone else ends up giving it to the birthday girl/boy). It might have been tactless but I am not sure its thoughtless.

MerylStrop · 28/04/2011 10:14

What epiphany said.

Work on your relationship. You can't take it for granted. None of us can.

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