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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

you are gonna say i am, i know i am but ahhhhhhh...

67 replies

bigbumum · 25/04/2011 21:30

my pals house is a comlete tip.

i think she is struggling and i want to ....because i LOVE cleaning...i offer and ask her if she wants me to give her a hand with it.

Im NOT gonna ask her as i wouldnt want to embarass her in any way, but i would LOVE to roll my sleeves us and get stuck in.

She has a 6 month old baby, PND and you literally have to move stuff in order to sit down. There is a small path from the front door to the sofa, which is piled high with stuff.

BEFORE you all jump at me, i babysit for her once a week so she has a break, i have agreed to babysit for her another afternoon a week too so she can attend an appointment, i have a family and work full time so i am doing practical stuff to help and support her. (i had PND really badly so i fully understand and want to help)
I feel like offering as i have a day free next weekend to blitz the place, but dont want to upset her, offend her or anything.....

ok, tell me YABU bigbum....

OP posts:
changingmynameagain · 25/04/2011 21:31

YABU

you should come here and do my house

and I don't have PND or a baby or anything Grin

Xales · 25/04/2011 21:33

How about offering to do her ironing while she is out because 6 month old babies don't need much and you will be bored?

howdoyoueatyours · 25/04/2011 21:33

You could have a little clean up when you're babysitting when the baby is asleep or playing or something. Tell friend you were bored. She may bite your head off though - it could go either way.
I would have bloody loved a friend like you when I had PND though - you sound ace.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 21:33

I'm a bit like this too Grin

I think you should at least ask her, if she does get upset it won't be because you've shown her you care enough to try and help her feel better.

So I'm afraid YANBU, sorry I couldn't give you a flaming, perhaps someone will be along shortly who could oblige Grin

Original poster
bigbumum · 25/04/2011 21:34

I do her ironing every week while she and her dh go out for the evening.....

OP posts:
5inthebed · 25/04/2011 21:34

YANBU, can I have a friend like you please?

TheVisitor · 25/04/2011 21:34

You could ask her if she minds you bimbling around doing the kitchen or somesuch whilst the baby's asleep.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 25/04/2011 21:35

I have a friend who has a spotless house, and im jealous!
I would offer tbh, no insist. Get her other half to take her out for the day, or if not another friend, andthen get busy.
If not come and do mine, Im stressed and my house is a tip Blush

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 21:35

'I do her ironing every week while she and her dh go out for the evening.....'

Awww, you're lovely.

Original poster
bigbumum · 25/04/2011 21:37

i have to take stuff off the roning board though to do it as it is perminantly set up loaded woth "stuff"

I wash up and put the bottles on for the steriliser as well, but i want to have a good old clear out and clean, she has papers every where and i feel that this would be too imposing as some of it could be private, so i am reluctant to do any clearing...

marigolds...itching and twitching.....

OP posts:
cheesesarnie · 25/04/2011 21:37

can you be my friend please?
agree with lisad-get her taken out on special treat for a day and work your cleaning magic!

MmaIvvy · 25/04/2011 21:37

YABU - although it is very nice of you to want to help, some people might feel offended.
You could do it more subtley, maybe just say, 'oh is there anything you want me to do while I watch the lo this afternoon, I could always 'shove the washing on/run the hoover round/etc to make myself useful.' If she says no then you know not to ask to blitz the place, if she says yes and seems grateful you could then say, 'in fact if you want I could come round one day next week and do ......(all the other stuff) too if you want'

RevoltingPeasant · 25/04/2011 21:38

bigbum (fab name Grin)

I'd do 'baby steps' of cleaning/ tidying whilst you are babysitting, but don't draw it to her attention. Just do it and if she freaks out, don't do it again.

Make sure it's nothing too intimate/ personal, like sorting out photo albums or ironing her silk knickers or whatever. But just tidying a bit is probably fine.

I totally know where you are coming from btw. This is embarrassing, but when I was 16 I babysat for a family whose house was nasty - think adhesive scum type stuff on kitchen surfaces, dying houseplants, etc - I did some cleaning for them when the kids were napping because I was bored and just couldn't take it. The mum tried to pay me extra when she saw.... I think we were both equally mortified!!

bigredtractor · 25/04/2011 21:39

When I had just had my baby my friend insisted on doing the previous nights washing up when she visited (no PND, I'm just a slut!!), and although I was a bit embarassed at the time I was hugely grateful afterwards because I was all over the place and it was a v practical kind of help!

Crack on, I say!

Tortington · 25/04/2011 21:39

Your friend really needs some help if her house is in the state you are describing. it sounds like it is somewhere that is unfit for a child to live. i might have a concerned word with her about helping her to blitz the place becuase social services might become involved

LoopyLoopsNincompoop · 25/04/2011 21:42

Oh, just do it. I'd love you forever.

Ishani · 25/04/2011 21:43

Hmmm I wouldn't like a friend cleaning my house for me, in fact I was really upset when my MIL put my washing on when DD2 was born, it felt like they were stating the obvious that I couldn't keep on top of things, which I knew but nobody wants it pointing out do they.
She'll sort herself out in good time, clear a space on the sofa for you to sit on and leave it at that.

CarGirl · 25/04/2011 21:45

Could you speak to her dh, ask him if you think she would mind you offering?

Original poster
bigbumum · 25/04/2011 21:45

ooh custardo, no its a nice home, just very piled high with "stuff" and very untidy.

she makes amazing cup cakes, but leaves stuff out and the cupbourds are so jammed packed with stuff there isnt any where to put anything.
i have never seen so many piles of papers/junk mail/takaway menus/clothes/magazines/cups/glasses...they are absolutely every where....
there is not a work surface visible, i dont thinkt hat they have every used the dining room becuase it is just rammed with stuff.

OP posts:
MsToni · 25/04/2011 21:45

Custardo, why would SS become involved? Are you suggesting OP calls them?

Bigbumum :) You seem like an ace friend. You could do the cleaning while she's out, and if she freaks, that's you told, yes?

I clean my sister's place when I go over to babysit, (or get a cleaner over there if I can't) cook and get groceries delivered if I see she's running out...but then she's my sister and doesn't mind.

D0G · 25/04/2011 21:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
bigbumum · 25/04/2011 21:47

Her dh doesnt approve of me ironing......it helps her though so i ignore him and carry on (she leaves the basket with ironing out for me so i do think she doesnt mind)

OP posts:
ignatz · 25/04/2011 21:49

I agree with MmaIvvy: you can only ask what you could do to be helpful - which is lovely of you! - and make a few general suggestions as to what you're available to do. I really wouldn't advise just getting on with it (even if you leave her silky drawers alone!) as I think that's not very respectful even if it would be totally well intentioned. If she's depressed, she might also read that as a bit of an indirect criticism so your good deed could even backfire.

georgie22 · 25/04/2011 21:52

Oh I wish you were my friend - I would definitely not be offended if you cleaned my house. I've got a 6 month old but luckily no PND; I'm just a slob!! It's taken me nearly all day today to tidy one bedroom, admittedly I have organised dd's clothes into sizes and put into vacuum bags to go into the loft and also packed away my winter clothes. The rest of the cleaning can be done now one room at a time. I've just had to accept that I'm no domestic goddess i.e. like cooking but hate cleaning etc. To conclude I don't think YABU, just a good friend.

houseworkwhore · 25/04/2011 21:52

maybe when you next babysit you could tidy say the kitchen? and when she comes home and says WOW its clean in here say 'i hope you dont mind but me and dd/ds thought we would suprise mummy!

I no when i had PND i could not be bothered to clean yet was so stressed with the mess in the house.

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