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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

you are gonna say i am, i know i am but ahhhhhhh...

67 replies

bigbumum · 25/04/2011 21:30

my pals house is a comlete tip.

i think she is struggling and i want to ....because i LOVE cleaning...i offer and ask her if she wants me to give her a hand with it.

Im NOT gonna ask her as i wouldnt want to embarass her in any way, but i would LOVE to roll my sleeves us and get stuck in.

She has a 6 month old baby, PND and you literally have to move stuff in order to sit down. There is a small path from the front door to the sofa, which is piled high with stuff.

BEFORE you all jump at me, i babysit for her once a week so she has a break, i have agreed to babysit for her another afternoon a week too so she can attend an appointment, i have a family and work full time so i am doing practical stuff to help and support her. (i had PND really badly so i fully understand and want to help)
I feel like offering as i have a day free next weekend to blitz the place, but dont want to upset her, offend her or anything.....

ok, tell me YABU bigbum....

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 21:52

If the dh disapproves why is she still leaving it out for you?

Surely he would be doing it all himself if he's happy to turn down the help for his wife?

georgie22 · 25/04/2011 21:55

Just seen Custardo's post - I can't honestly see why social services would get involved if the house is just untidy. It's unlikely to be a risk to her child. I would be more concerned if the house was spotless as it could be she was doing housework rather than caring for the baby.

CarGirl · 25/04/2011 21:56

Hmmmm

Perhaps her dh's attitudes are part of her PND?

mamaz0n · 25/04/2011 21:56

she may be offended.

I however wouldnt..so if you would like me to pm you my adress.....

Original poster
bigbumum · 25/04/2011 21:58

oh agent dont get me started on her dh.
He, as far as i can see doesnt do great deal around the house, having said that, he is a lovely bloke, jsut not domesticated.

As i said, i LOVE cleaning so it wouldnt be a chore...i think i will have a wee go in the kitchen when go this week. just wipe the surfaces and wash up, scrub the sink and just do a wee bit more than the washing up..."while im there" if you will.

She is an amazing friend and i love her tons, so its a natural thing to wanna help her and i adore her baby so its all good, but i am not sure where the boundry line is, so difficult.

OP posts:
firsttimer84 · 25/04/2011 22:11

if you love to clean, you can always say after youve done it, "oh you know me! i think i need help!" which takes the attention from her messiness and onto your gift (and it is a massive gift!)

FriggFRIGG · 25/04/2011 22:16

right,now im the kind of person who never asks people for help,even if someone says 'can i do xyz whilst im here' i would say no....
but heres the thing,i mean yes,yes,yes.
im just to damn proud.
and i cannot understand that anyone could be happy to do it as i hate it so much! i feel like by saying yes,im 'making' them do it.IYSWIM.

however,if someone just did it,i wouldnt have to say yes,so i couldnt feel guilty about it.

i say,start small...if she is thankful,get stuck in Grin

houseworkwhore · 25/04/2011 22:17

go down the line of me and baby did it to show we love you and wanted to help mummy.

If she is suffering with PND it may cheer her up a bit

MotherMucca · 25/04/2011 22:21

A friend of mine has done this for me. We are very close and have an easy relationship where we can be honest with one another. I was depressed and just completely overwhelmed with my ever-increasing clutter and stuff everywhere.

She just told me that she wanted to come over and help me sort my house out. After initial reluctance on my part (pride and shame), I accepted. She basically went through my rooms and asked me keep/chuck/recycle? It was a massive relief, and wonderful to have order where there once was chaos.

She is a lovely mate, and so are you.

NotaMopsa · 25/04/2011 22:23

I think you should do it - tell her just be honest
You don't sound the least bit judgy to me and you seem to really love her. Like you -I love cleaning and I HAVE done my friends house. She was having a party and i just couldn't leave her to it so I did it. Fun! She was pleased -I was pleeased - all good!

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 22:25

It's a tonic to see there are such selfless people about MotherM Smile

atswimtwolengths · 25/04/2011 22:26

Custardo, wasn't it you who complained when I said that the OP who had a friend with teenage sons who'd lain on top of her own much younger girls should contact Childline for some advice?

And now you're here saying that if you don't do the ironing SS will come a-knocking.

Make up your mind!

MotherMucca · 25/04/2011 22:28

Yes, Agent, she is marvellously kind and generous in many ways. I try to offer help back to her, but it never seems enough to me.

lisad123isasnuttyasaboxoffrogs · 26/04/2011 00:17

I agree dont ask just do. I have had offers of help many times but takes a huge amount of stress and guilt on my part to say yes.

HipHopOpotomus · 26/04/2011 00:21

Oh go for it. I love it when BIL comes to visit us - usually weekly. Not only is he lovely but he will give the kitchen a once over or clean the floors :). Bloody marvellous I tell you

EttiKetti · 26/04/2011 04:55

Do it, just do a small bit, let her see how great it is and then nudge towards helping more....but surely at a weekend, her DH will be around to disapprove?

CheerfulYank · 26/04/2011 05:08

Do it do it do it! And are you planning a trip to America anytime soon? Because you can come stay with me! :)

I think it'd be fine to do a little bit at a time, just say "oh little dd/ds was sleeping (or content or whatever) and you know how I am, just have to be doing something!"

It's hard to ask for help. It's taken me a long time. I just joined a thread here on mumsnet to start. And then for my birthday next month I'm having all my friends over and, instead of bringing me presents, they're going to help me finish all the half-painted walls in my house. Blush And I've got a storage area and an extra room totally full, and I've just asked a good friend of mine (who is like you and loves to clean :) ) to come over in the next few weeks and help me clear them out. She was practically jumping up and down at the thought!

sosickofthesoundofscreaming · 26/04/2011 05:42

I'd tread carefully. I struggled to keep on top of things when my DD was first born, as my husband was very ill at the same time.

My MIL kindly offered to do a bit of babysitting, and asked if we wanted anything done while we were out. I emphatically said 'NO', but came back to chaos.

She had done all the washing up and put it away in random cupboards, some of it still wet and with food stuck to it. She was well meaning but short sighted! In addition, because I was so pressed for time to do anything I had a sort of system where at least one plate/knife/fork etc was always out and easily accessible on the drying rack. Everything had been put away, and not even in sensible places. Sometimes there is method in untidy madness!

It took me weeks to locate, re-wash and resort the crockery that my MIL had got her hands on. At the time I just had to suck it up and say thank-you.

We have never had her to babysit again. Sad

LittleJennyRobyn · 26/04/2011 12:30

OOh I would love a friend like you, I too had PND when DD was small, And housework was not on my list of priorities. The house was always full of stuff.

My mum wouldn't ask and just get stuck in which of course i didn't mind as i was overwhelmed. My dad used to visit on the way home from work and i would find him blitzing my kitchen....he loves to do the dishes!!

But now mum tells me off for leaving the house too tidy when she babysits as there is nothing left for her to do!!!! Grin

I didn't mind people close to me coming in if it was a mess but hated for anyone else to see that i was struggling.

TBH If your friend is happy to see her house with stuff everywhere then i think she would be comfortable with you tidying up a bit. Afterall she is happy for you to do the ironing, she would probably be greatful for the extra help.

I know i would!

Honeybee79 · 26/04/2011 12:32

YANBU. Please come and do my place!

fuzzywuzzy · 26/04/2011 12:38

Will you be my friend Bigbumum?

I dont have a new baby, nor do I have PND, I;m just in dire need of friend who loves cleaning.....

mrspear · 26/04/2011 12:40

Well OP i was in a similar position with a friend and just took a deep breath and asked! I worded like i know you are having a tough time and struggling, how about i help and tidy when the kids are asleep? I was baby sitting and she was overwhelmed when she saw the results in the kitchen and bathroom - yes i even cleaned the mangy loo!

wolfhound · 26/04/2011 12:41

You sound like a fab friend. I agree with firsttimer, if you can do a bit (say in the kitchen) and then say something self-deprecating like 'i can't help myself, i just enjoy pottering around, i really hope i'm not interfering' then you are making it easier to accept. it sounds like she needs a massive de-clutter. Maybe you could think of a way to suggest it as a 'girls night in' type activity - her dh has a night/afternoon out; you get some big boxes/bin bags & you, her and baby do that keep/chuck/recycle thing that mothermucca is talking about. Have a drink, play some music, make it a fun thing for both of you.

forwantofabetter1 · 26/04/2011 12:53

Just do it.
From speaking to a good friend who suffers from depression I understand that the mess and clutter can be a vicious circle. She always says that the house being a mess used to make her feel worse but it just seemed such a mammoth task that she didnt know where to start and then she'd get more upset and the mess continued to grow!

Just start small, say maybe the lounge or kitchen, and guage her reaction dont throw any personal papers letters away but maybe stick them in a boxfile.

When I used to unofficially Nanny (during my holidays) I often used to tidy and clean the house which was not at all within my duties as I was there to purely look after the kids (who most of the time just wanted to play on the street with their mates). Whenever the Mum said I should/didnt have to I used to say I was trying to loose a bit of weight and that cleaning stopped me from snacking!

Acekicker · 26/04/2011 12:54

You're an excellent friend! I'd definitely keep it at the 'bits and pieces' level though - a bit of ironing/hoovering/dusting/putting things into piles type stuff. Although I would adore to come back to a blitzed house (there are times I really wish I had the loves cleaning gene), she might feel under pressure then to maintain it iyswim when you're next round. Does that make sense?

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