AIBU to want one lie in a year - on my birthday??

[LadyWithNoManors]

It's my birthday, as if being one year older isn't depressing enough I also had to get up with DC's at 7am as DP was snoring away.
I asked him last night if i could have a lie in and he said no as he had to go to work every day and I'm a SAHM. I get up earlier than him every day btw!
It not even as if I was talking of a mammoth session. My parents are coming at 10am so it would only have been until 8am.
Grrr what a dick!

"I stay at home - cook, clean and look after the children and dog. I always have his dinner ready for him coming home. As a wife and mother, it is my duty. My job description if you will. "

Fine, it that is how you see it. So you are (by your own admission) doing a job by staying at home. Your duty is at home, your husband's is going out to work. Therefore, neither of you owes the other any gratitude- you have agreed a way to split the work for your relationship.

Others are as am I at the suggestion that it is necessary to be grateful to the partner who goes out to work. It's (presumably) a situation which suits both partners and was agreed by both.

"neither of you owes the other any gratitude"

Or do I mean that both partners should be grateful to the other? Perhaps that would be a better way of putting it, but the point is that it's certainly not one way- it's a partnership.

You have the most important job - that of bringing up your kids. You deserve a lay in on you birthday!

You know for me it wouldn't be about a lie in being deserved - you asked your DH. It was something that you would have liked, as a treat, and he was totally unwilling to do something nice for you. You weren't asking for it to be done every weekend etc.

Surely him getting 1 hour less sleep just this once would have been worth doing something nice for the wife he loves?

YANBU. A bday is an automatic lie in! But then imo all lie ins and time to self should be shared equally between you and your dh. If you don't then the rel'ship gets unbalanced and resentment creeps in. Happy bday!

IsThereAnyNickNameNotInUse well for starters -

A lot of men would insist on putting their children into a private nursery.

Really? That's not something I've ever come across.

As a wife and mother, it is my duty. My job description if you will.

So you do everything and he does absolutely nothing around the home and in relation to caring for the children? This sounds either like you have convinced yourself it is your duty because he isn't going to bother doing it anyway or he tells you it's your duty and that other men would insist on putting the kids in nursery so that he can get away with doing so little. Not sure which is worse.

Either way I am sure that if you worked it out you would find that you work about 100 hours a week or more. I doubt he works that many. But despite this you never have a lay in as he gets them all?

IsThereAnyNickNameNotInUse My husband works similar hours to yours and I stay at home and look after the DCs and do the majority of the housework. That is the way we have divided the responsibilities to best serve our family's needs. I am grateful to him and he is grateful to me. Why should I be more grateful to him? He could never have had a family and progressed in his career as he has done if it were not for my support on the home-front.

I would never be this supportive of someone who had so little respect and love for me that they thought that a lie-in was too much to ask for on my birthday. I am part of a loving marriage of equals not a subservient maid or a parasitic growth.

I hope you have enough self-respect to believe that you deserve a little care and attention if only once a year?

YANBU to have a lie in on your birthday, not at all.

But, I agree with nickname that being a SAHM is a huge privilege and one paid for by the someone that goes to work. If it is to work without resentment it must take huge amounts of communication, which, looking at MN, generally doesn't happen. So something needs to change, in most of these unhappy partnerships.

Admittedly, I am a single mum so I do all the housework, all the wage earning, all the early mornings and night-time wakings, no lie ins, and pay for 4/5 of the childcare (DD's father's contribution covers about 20%) so I don't live in the same sort of world as you. But I can live with myself at the end of the day, no resentment, just job done to the best of my abilities.

I disagree entirely nickname.

I'm a FT working mum, in a stressful career, and my ex-DH has stayed at home to look after our DS. Having been a SAHM myself, I know that being at home is way, way harder work than being in my profession, despite the long hours etc that I do. I am hugely grateful to him for staying at home, giving our child (what we believe is) the best start in life and enabling my career.

There's no doubt that ex-DH's career in turn has gone on hold - he is the one that has suffered financially by the arrangement, not me. I am the privileged one, to be able to go out to work and keep my career going, knowing my DS is well cared for. I try to repay that by giving ex-DH as much time off as possible when I am not at work, eg, DS spends 5 nights a week and most of the weekend with me, more where possible.

Oh, and we each do all our own housework etc too. It's perfectly manageable on top of a FT job.

tbh, I feel a bit sad that you value the stay at home parent role so little.

notevenamousie being a SAHM is a huge privilege and one paid for by the someone that goes to work

What?! Whatever happened to equals and the fact that you are both doing a hard job? One as the earner and one as the carer (carer generally working the longest hours). I have done both jobs and being a SAHM is the hardest by far. My DH is grateful that I care for our children and I am grateful that he earns the money to pay the bills. I sometimes envy him being able to have a lunch breaks and be in a different environment and he envys me being able to see every cute little thing our children do. He is incredibly happy that I am a SAHM as I am able to relay to him all the things they do and things they learn which he would never hear about in the same detail if I put the children in a nursery and went to work.

Because we both work so hard we share lay-ins. He IS NOT more entitled to a lay-in because he gets paid for his job whereas I don't. To you and IsThereAnyNickNameNotInUse I find it sad that you think that you role in raising your children if worth nothing (not even a lay-in once a year!) because no one actually gives you cash for it. You must feel so worthless.

Okay, I am really sick of you all attacking me and accusing me of thinking that raising my children is worth nothing. When did I say that? Seriously when? Please quote me saying those exact words seeing as so many of you have used is while attacking me. I DO NOT feel worthless and dont you dare accuse me of it! You dont even know me! That is the lowest of the low!

I feel that no doubt someone will ask me for a breakdown of my day so here it is. And please, PLEASE tell my why I shouldnt be grateful to my husband for providing his family with such a lovely home and perfect life once you have read it.

6am - DH gets up
7am - DH wakes me up to kiss me goodbye and I get up.
8am - I get DC's up.
9am - DC1 goes off to school and i stay at home with DC2.

Between 9am and 3pm I clean the house,do the washing, play with DC2 and walk the dog.

3pm - DC1 comes home from school.

Between 3pm and 5pm - I play with both DC's. The TV is not on at this point. We play at the park, go to the beach, do crafts, make cakes etc.. you get the picture.

5pm - I make DC's dinner and sit with them while they have it.

Between 5pm and 7pm DC's usually watch TV or play in the garden while i cook DH and I dinner. Sometimes DC1 likes to help me.

7pm - DH gets home. DC's tell them all about their day and show him anything they have made. DH and I have dinner. Usually DC's will sit at the table with us for a chat and may draw a picture or something.

7:30pm - DH baths DC's while I clean up from dinner. He reads to them and puts them to bed.

8:30pm - The children are in bed and DH and I have the night to ourselves. We go to bed between half 10 and 11.

On Fridays DH finishes early so is home by half 4. This is when we all go together to do a weekly shop.

At the weekends we all lie in and get up together around half 8/9am.

Now, please tell me why I shouldnt be grateful to my DH for providing such a wonderful life for us? Because despite what you are all saying - he does. Only I seem to be the only one admitting it here. If he didnt work, we would have no money. We wouldnt be able to have a nice home or do fun activties. If I also had to work then DCs would be in nursery being brought up by someone else. So yes, I am the most grateful person in the world. And yes, DH is grateful for me too before you accuse him of not being. I cook DH a full breakfast every sunday as well as dinner like I usually do. Not because I HAVE to because I dont. I like to because I love him. He send me flowers twice a month so I always have fresh ones in the house. I didnt ask him too - he does it because he loves me. We love spending time together and as a family. So go on, attack me for everything i've just said. It doesnt bother me because I know the reason is jealousy. Most of you are just like playground bullies. Cant stand the fact that someone is in a happy, committed marriage so you must attack them. They obviously feel worthless. Well I dont. I am the happiest, luckiest person in the world and I wouldnt change my life for anything.

Happy Birthday! YANBU at all. Your H needs a kick up the arse as his attitude stinks!

You are entitled to a lie in alot more regularly than once a year IMO - every weekend is more like it.

Calm down dear!

I think if that arrangement works for you and you're happy with it then there's no problem. It's nice that you appreciate each other.

You did however seem to be generalising by saying it's your 'duty' and your 'job description', 'as a wife and mother'. Which kind of implies you think married women and mothers who do not follow this particular lifestyle are shirking their duty or not doing their job properly. Can you see that might annoy people slightly?

And being a SAHM may feel like a privilege to you if you enjoy it, but for many women it's a situation they feel forced or pressured into by circumstances, and to them it probably doesn't feel like something to be particularly grateful for.

Sorry was trying to reply to IsThereAnyNickNameNotInUse :)

And PS - nothing wrong with you being grateful IMO - as long as he is equally grateful in return! (And you say he is so everything's hunky dory!)

But I have to ask - don't you ever get bored?

IsThereAnyNicknameNotInUse What are you TALKING about woman?! You daily schedule is nothing to do with the previous comments you have made!

I do think its a mothers job to stay at home with her children. And I do think its a wife's job to care for her home and her husband while the wife goes to work.

The only people who are annoyed by that are most likely the ones who agree but dont get to do it so are jealous and annoyed.

I think any woman who would rather work than stay at home is wrong.

moo moo farm no I dont get bored. my life is very rewarding and is different every day.

Something tells me I'm wasting my time here IsThere but what about when your children are at school? Does your home really need looking after that closely? What do you think it's going to get up to if you leave it for a day?

I think any woman who would rather work than stay at home is wrong

What?! So you think a persons feelings are wrong? How can the way someone feels about something be wrong?! If you said you were happy/sad/tired/excited today etc and I said to you "no you are wrong" would that make sense to you? The way someone feels is the way they feel. You can tell them they are wrong to feel that way! What the F* are you talking about!!!!!!!!

I'm not attacking you Nickname. I'm really glad that you are happy with your life. Clearly it works for you, and that's fine.

Personally, I think going out to work is by far the easier option and that the WOHP should be doing their fair share of housework and childcare etc to even up the balance - but I accept that's just my personal view.

moo moo I only have 1 child at school the other is at home with me. While I outlined an average day I often take DC2 to swimming or meet up with other mums etc.. during the day. When DC2 is also at school I will use the time to run errands so the weekend is left completely clear for family time.

plop plop I believe every woman deep down wants to be a stay at home mum. And if they dont, they shouldnt be a mum.

CoffeeDodger My husband would never use language like that towards me. If I did want a lie in, of course he would say yes, but I have never needed one. The children are often up before me on my birthday as they are excited to give me my presents/make me breakfast so I'm up anyway.