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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DS to be left with 80 year old grandmother and her 40 year old toy boy?

96 replies

CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 00:00

Grandmother is staying for Easter and has her 40 year old boyfriend with her. I have met him once before and he appears (surprise, surprise) to have mental health issues. Paranoia, agoraphobia, etc, etc. For example he asked for all of the windows to be locked so he didn't jump out and accused my mum of trying to blind him with a light on the end of a pen (in the middle of the day).

My grandmother is quite def and wouldn't be able to catch DS if he bolted but umm...well I guess quite with it.

I think I'm just finding the situation a bit odd and I'm not sure I want DS being left with a man I don't know.

She has asked twice now if she and boyfriend can look after DS tomorrow, I get the impression it is mainly for her boyfriend. Him an DS seem to get on.

So AIBU not to trust my grandmother's judgment?

OP posts:

Rhinestone · 25/04/2011 11:04

He make your DGM sleep on the floor?

And you have not already kicked his arse into next month and were considering leaving your DS with him?

OP, in the nicest possible way, GET A FUCKING GRIP. Put your foot down with him and tell him that under no circumstances will you be leaving your son with him. And get your DGM away from him. DontdoitKatie is absolutely right - he is abusing her. He sounds like a manipulative, sinister little shit quite frankly who should not be around vulnerable people whether they're 80 or 4.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 11:06

He obviously needs looking after and if your GM 'is blind to him' then he will not get the care he needs. That is what i find worring , you do need to find out the extent of his problems, the last supported living place i worked in would have regular 'risk assessments' carried out on the residents.

If he has been 'cleared' by SS to live on his own that is a different matter.

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 11:11

Anyway, what is all this bollocks about reversing genders?

If a forty year old woman had moved herself into an 80 year old man's house in order to get away from SS control and was making him sleep on the floor, I'd say he was being abused to.

Elder abuse is real, although very brushed under the carpet.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 11:12

Op normally people living supported housing are monitored for a time period, do you know if he has kept appointments etc. I think the family need to ask more questions to protect everyone.

Rhinestone · 25/04/2011 11:15

Birdsgottafly - I don't think the family owe this 'man' anything. He's not their problem and he is making an 80 yr old lady sleep on the floor FFS.

The OP's family should be saving their energy for getting rid of him from DGM's life, not checking to see if he has kept appointments etc.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 11:16

Dontdoitkate- i am aware of all types of abuse, i have posted trying to give advice. Not everyone is aware of mental health issues and can be out of their depth as well as when elderly relatives make what seems to be 'bad' decisions. If the GM does not come under the Mental Capacity Act then the OP and the family can do little fron her side but may be able to in other ways, if they wish to. The whole situation may be 'an accident waiting to happen'. I have just put a different side as someone who hasd experience in social care.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 11:17

Rhinestone read my next post, i think i have been misunderstood, it is everyones protection i am interested in.

saturdayschild · 25/04/2011 11:18

Ask yourself - would you leave your ds with him if your dgm was not there, bearing in mind you don't think she could grab him if he bolted? ......No? Then that answers your op.

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 11:18

I posted here to give advice too. Then you decided to address my posts and contradict me. You could have just posted directly to the OP without feeling the need to take issue with what I said.

Her grandmother is being abused. She's being preyed upon by a forty year old man (mental health issues or not) who is doing classic abuser things like making her sleep on the floor. It's very worrying.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 11:23

Or he is in decline and the making of the GM sleep on the floor is a symptom. Questions need to be asked.

Newgolddream · 25/04/2011 14:10

birdsgottafly you seem indifferent to this ladies plight - regardless of any "reasons" why he is making her sleep on the floor - he still is - its this ladies health I would be more concerned about tbh, and I say this a Mental Health Nurse so not unaware of the issues surrounding mental illness!

Not entirely sure what the "Mental Health Capacity" Act is either, I can only presume its an English act as here in Scotland we have different legislation - Adults with Incapacity (Scotland) Act 2000, the Mental Health (Care and Treatment) (Scotland) Act 2003 and the Adult Support and Protection (Scotland) Act 2007.

WMDinthekitchen · 25/04/2011 14:20

Your mother may be young for her age and full of energy but it would be a problem for me, leaving a 4 year old with an 80 year old, bearing in mind how wearing small children can be. The boyfriend's "issues" would be an added worry. Not sure how to deal with this - would suggest family outing but boyfriend's condition may mean that's no go. Family meal at your place? Family meal at your mother's place - that would deal with spending some time together but not with the babysitting issue? YANBU, definitely not!

razzlebathbone · 25/04/2011 14:41

No no no no! I wouldn't even have him in the house. Why on earth is he begging you to leave your son with him? Sorry but a 40yr old man who has suicide ideations and paranoia and has entered into a relationship with an elderly and vulnerable mother figure, whom he treats like an animal sleeping on a floor!? What the fuck? What has he got planned is what I'd like to know. I'd be inconsolable if it was my gran.

MadamDeathstare · 25/04/2011 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

razzlebathbone · 25/04/2011 14:53

...and throw your DS out of a window!

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 17:01

Newgolddream-I am not unsympathetic to her plight, she may have thought that she could manage to live with his condition but has found that she is out of her depth. If you work in MH then you understand that there are some who are not responsible for their actions all of the time and struggle to make rational decisions. He may not be able to be held accountable for all of his behaviour. Very few people with MH problems have this self-awareness. As i said i am astounded that a family member after meeting him once and not knowning the full facts of his condition could consider letting a child be let in the same house under their care. Especially because of the sleeping on the floor bit.

I quoted the mental capacity act 2005 (England) because unless an adult fails this (and the GM would if she normally lives on her own and manages her own affairs, she wouldnt), no-one could make her end this relationship. I have just come back from my 83 yr old DM and can i tell her not to start the garden or leave it till i get there?, No i haven't a hope in hell. If i tried to tell her she had become vunerable just because of her age i would be thrown out the door.

So i put another way of looking at it, because the family may have to take control, if they had gone in all guns blazing, the GM would not have listened.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 17:19

The fact that she is still asking to babysit shows this, she is not aware of the 'real' situation. The family need to be careful because at least she is still being honest with them about what is going on. They surely do not want her to seperate herself from them? It is very hard to get anyone suffering from any form of abuse to end a relationship, or admit that they cannot cope/made a bad decision. It could possibly be suggested that it does not end but perhaps he goes back into supported living, as a sort of compromise. He may need that level of care and she needs to recognise that.

GiddyKips · 25/04/2011 19:01

Wouldn't risk it OP

Original poster

CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 19:15

Like I said she seems totally blind to how odd his behavior is. She is def and I don't think hears some of his weird comments. She pays for every thing for him, food, his gambling habit etc. He claims to have moved in with her because he has a psychotic neighbour who apparently wants to kill him but he also claims to have diabetes but knows nothing about it. He is not a stupid man and most of his behavior seems fairly normalish but with strange episodes.

What am I going to do when she dies to help him? Probably nothing. I'm am a single parent and can't do much if I can't have him around my son.

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 19:49

Then you cannot leave your DS with them or any other children in the family. You need to decide (as a family) wether you are going to keep an eye on her and to what extent you are going to involve yourselves in their business.

discobeaver · 25/04/2011 20:16

Your gran isn't going to marry this crazy guy is she? Is he after money perhaps - he sounds completely unstable and I would be freaking out if it was my relative involved. And my kids wouldn't get withn a country mile of him, he sounds unhinged.
Sorry this is happening op.

Original poster

CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 20:31

I don't know what I can do bar trying to be honest with her with the hope that she doesn't cut us off and isolate her self completely. It's really tricky especially now he is being introduced in to the family with emphasis being put on the children.

OP posts:

hairfullofsnakes · 25/04/2011 20:35

please do NOT leave your children with them! no!

sorry, but am finding the idea of 80 year old with a 40 year old very...

oooooooooooooo

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 20:38

I think you need to find a way to talk to her and tell her you are worried about her and offer her support. She might be glad if someone actually said something.

Ignore the idea that anybody, including your grandmother, is responsible for this parasite. He sounds dangerous actually.

Original poster

CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 21:45

We decided they couldn't come for Christmas because my mother was worried about my sister and it embarrassing her in front of her friends. All hell broke loose. She can't see the problem at all. But I am worried.

I am actually so relieved to hear your opinions because when I tell people there usual response is ''good for her''. I don't know, maybe it's the polite thing to say? I suppose that's why I doubted my self and needed to post here.

OP posts:

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