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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want DS to be left with 80 year old grandmother and her 40 year old toy boy?

96 replies

CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 00:00

Grandmother is staying for Easter and has her 40 year old boyfriend with her. I have met him once before and he appears (surprise, surprise) to have mental health issues. Paranoia, agoraphobia, etc, etc. For example he asked for all of the windows to be locked so he didn't jump out and accused my mum of trying to blind him with a light on the end of a pen (in the middle of the day).

My grandmother is quite def and wouldn't be able to catch DS if he bolted but umm...well I guess quite with it.

I think I'm just finding the situation a bit odd and I'm not sure I want DS being left with a man I don't know.

She has asked twice now if she and boyfriend can look after DS tomorrow, I get the impression it is mainly for her boyfriend. Him an DS seem to get on.

So AIBU not to trust my grandmother's judgment?

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 25/04/2011 08:45

I wouldn't.

I wouldn't leave my child with someone who appeared to be that unstable.

rainbowinthesky · 25/04/2011 08:48

I agree with Rhinestone. I am no prune but it would be very irresponsible of you to leave your ds with a man you don't know and are suspicious of. Yanbu.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 25/04/2011 08:51

YANBU. Your grandmothers judgement seems...a little out of the normal boundaries.

noddyholder · 25/04/2011 08:56

If he thinks an unlocked window may prompt him to jump out of it then he is not a suitable carer for a 4 yr old and what your gran an educated woman is doing with someone with such obvious issues is anyones guess. I think she needs protected to? What is she getting out of this relationship?

twenty5 · 25/04/2011 09:14

Personally, although your DGM has sincere intentions on wanting to look after your DS, you seem to be unsure in which i would follow your initial instincts especially if they say 'NO'. I agree with you, her partner of choice seems irregular but it is her prerogative on who she deems a suitable partner for herself. Your priority however, has to be your DS. Anyone who has a desire to jump out of windows and needs them closed around the house, i would NOT leave to look after my child. The thought of leaving a 4 yr old with an elderly woman and a man who is unstable for no matter how long, is just NOT suitable.

I would tell your DGM your concerns. She might be hurt but im sure if you explained it in an empathic manner she would understand?

Original poster
CrazyOrCautious · 25/04/2011 10:09

Thank you all. I have just had another message asking to look after him so it would seem the hints haven't worked.

This is a man who was living in residential housing untill about 6 months ago. He now lives with my grandmother and to my absolute disgust makes her sleep on the floor if he needs a bit of space. But she seems happy with the arrangement. I just don't think telling her my concerns are ever going to work, his behavior is very odd but she i clearly blind to it.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 25/04/2011 10:16

Why is he so keen to look after your son?

tbh, anyone who I felt was unreasonably eager to look after my child, who seemed uncomfortably pushy, would be the last person I would allow to look after them.

I don't have paedo fever btw Grin what it is is that it breaks the social 'rules'. that is what makes us feel uncomfortable. Without realising it, we all obey a strict set of social rules and when anyone breaks these, it is terribly uncomfortable for us. We feel that there is a 'wrongness' about the situation.

squeakytoy · 25/04/2011 10:25

I wouldnt leave my dog with this man, never mind my child.

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 10:28

He makes your 80 year old grandmother sleep on the floor?

She's being abused.

You are also not BU. You don't need to let your 4 year old be looked after by a crazy guy, not matter what the crazy guy's relationship to the family is. It's creepy that he's putting so much pressure on to look after your ds.

DuelingFanjo · 25/04/2011 10:37

you have to be kidding!?

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 10:39

You should not leave your child with anyone who cannot look after them well and keep them safe. To put a different viewpoint on the situation. If he has mental health issues and usually lives in supported housing and your GM has persuaded him to leave, it could be said that it is him that is being taken advantage of, he is a vunerable adult. What provision or help are you as a family going to offer him when your GM passes as he may be unable to just re-enter the system. He will need support.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 10:42

Dontdoitkate-if she agrees to sleep on the floor she is 'feeding' into his behaviour. SS must have had a reason to place him in supported living, read my earlie post. It may be him that is being abused. Reverse the gender and re-think the situation.

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 10:43

Sorry Birds, that doesn't make any sense what you're arguing there.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 10:43

Infact i find it astounding that the OP is even asking this.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 10:44

He is a vunerable adult. He is ill.

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 10:45

If we're talking about vulnerable adults - deaf 80 year old women absolutely fit the bill.

Forty year old men who make octogenarian women sleep on the floor - not so much.

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 10:46

Mentally ill men can abuse women. They might have to target an older woman to be able to inveigle themselves in their lives. That looks like what has happened here.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 10:46

Everyone, even mentaly ill people want a 'normal'life, he has been offered this by the GM. Now he has this without the support, it is him that is being blamed. If you took an ill and confused person out of hospital, who would be to blame. The patient or the person who removed them from the safe environment.

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 10:48

Where does it say that her grandmother removed him from residential housing?

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 10:49

Age does not always equal vunerable, but living in supported living does. I am not going to argue over that. She is out of her depth but he may be unable to make rational decisions. I speak as someone with a MH background. That is why i have asked the question i did. I have seen young MI and LD girls taken advantage of in the same way. It can happen to males also.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 10:50

The OP said that he used to live in supported housing. I asked how he came to leave.

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 10:51

Actually age does equal vulnerable. Elderly people are vulnerable to predators. This woman has a disability - she's deaf, she obviously lived on her own, and she's eighty.

I'm worried that someone with a MH background doesn't recognise abuse when it's described to them and starts talking nonsense about "reversing genders".

DontdoitKatie · 25/04/2011 10:53

She hasn't answered how he came to leave as far as I can see.

springydaffs · 25/04/2011 10:55

Bit surprised at the cawing on this thread that the GM is with a 40yo man - change the genders and would anyone make comments like this? Some of these comments are AGEIST.

However, there are clearly issues (as with many relationships, irrespective of age folks!) and imo you are right to be reluctant to leave your ds with them. I would say that you do not feel comfortable leaving ds with them as 1.you don't know the man and 2.GM wouldn't be able to retrieve ds if he ran off.

Birdsgottafly · 25/04/2011 10:55

Without the OP answering, it cannot be decided either way. That is why i asked and did not come to a snap decision. I am not talking nonense, there are laws to protect vunerable adults for good reasons. If he lives in supported living and the GM lives and manages her own home, he is in the category above her. Also if the OP would normally kleave her child with GM, she cannot be classed as vunerable without the OP being at fault.