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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP has no perception of what I can reasonably carry...

55 replies

thefruitwhisperer · 24/04/2011 23:15

Last week DP and I had a bit of a row about his perception of my ability to carry stuff. We went to the park so he could play football with his friends (he hates football btw) after doing some shopping. There was loads to carry, but I got a coffee and pottered about the charity shops, then came back an hour later to get him to walk home. He said he wasnt coming, would I be ok with all the stuff. I said, erm, well... and he was off! 'Ok! See you later then!' I was then left to carry upteen bags of crap to our first floor flat, including loads of food shopping. We rowed, he said sorry and that he understood that I cant carry much more than the usual stuff ie the baby, the pram, change bag, food bag etc.

So tonight I drop him at his friends house by my mums. We were going to be there most of the day so we took a big bag of toys/feeding bottles and the moses basket. The deal was that I pick him up later in the evening and we go back together.

Now hes said hes not coming back with me, hes getting the bus so he can stay out later, am I ok on my own. No Im not! After last week you think he would realise, how is she going to get all that shit back into the car without me, let alone up the stairs to the flat at 11pm! Right now theres the toy bag, food bag, bread bin, blanket bag and moses in the car waiting for him to bring up.

Am I right to be pissed off? I know it will get up to the flat at some point but thats not the issue, its him thinking Im a Strong Man! My mum is funny about her space so wont let me keep anything at her house and has a condition where her hands dont grip, so Ive basically had to wait for him to finish at his friends or go it alone.

He looks at a pram and thinks how much stuff can I dump on it, where as I look at a pram and think how am i going to get that bloody thing up the stairs!!! He should have some consideration shouldnt he?

Disclaimer : (I do realise Im lucky to have a DP that can carry stuff, I know some women have to go it alone all the time, and I totally admire that!)

OP posts:
Mammie81 · 24/04/2011 23:21

My DP is usually very good with helping me carry things. Sorry Sad

AgentZigzag · 24/04/2011 23:22

You sound totally pissed off, but I think you are BU.

Like you said, it will get up to your only first floor flat at some point, and with DC you just have to struggle and manage as best you can.

What's this really about?

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 24/04/2011 23:22

YANBU....it sounds like you are talking about a teenage boy! Not a man. Dropping him here and there...football and his bloody mates!

He shouldnot leave you to carry all that stuff and you should not let him get away with it!

missmelo · 24/04/2011 23:22

Tell him no they next time, no its not ok, you need help, you are not a machine.

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 24/04/2011 23:23

Is he helpful in other ways?

GreenEyesandHam · 24/04/2011 23:26

I don't think this should be about his perception of what you can carry, I think it should be about what his perception is of how you should be treated.

Why is it ok for him to just fuck off regardless of your prior arrangements?

PaperView · 24/04/2011 23:26

Did you mean DP or DS? I can't tell.

thefruitwhisperer · 24/04/2011 23:30

Ive told him no, its not ok, I cant carry it all up (Obviously I can usually carry stuff, its just in instances like these when I have extra baggage!) He just says next time tell me. I tell him every time but its like hes deaf, its just OK! See you later then! Kiss and zoom, hes gone.

I want him to be able to look at the pram, think, wow thats alot of stuff, hows she going to manage that and OFFER.

My exacerbation comes from another row we had when I asked him to help me move the Quinny from the boot and put the small pram in instead before he went out to an exhibition for the day. He didnt. Took me 3 trips because of all the bits and the car was across a main road. [sweats]

OP posts:
thisisyesterday · 24/04/2011 23:30

he probablty isn't thinking about things that need carrying when he says "will you be ok if i go and do x/y/z"

you need to say very clearly "actually, no, i need a hand"

but equally you need to realise that actually it doesn't really matter if some of the stuff sits in the car til later... does it?
different if you are walking home and HAVE to take it all up by yourself, but if it's just in the car then i think yabu

i think there is some give and take on both sides though. he needs to realise that you need him sometimes and that needs to take priority over him pissing about with his friends, and you need to realise that everything doesn't need doing right this instant!

hopefully you can talk about this though

thisisyesterday · 24/04/2011 23:32

sorry, cross-posted with you

werdator · 24/04/2011 23:34

Why can't you carry some of it from the car and then go back and make repeat visits until all the stuff that was in the car is then in the house.

worraliberty · 24/04/2011 23:36

Are you sure it's about the stuff and not about the fact he seems more interested in doing his own thing than spending time with you and the baby?

Reading your OP, I have to say it did read as though you were talking about your teenage son Sad

thefruitwhisperer · 24/04/2011 23:38

We sometimes have to park up to half a mile away from our flat because of its location. So Id have to leave my sleeping 5 month old son alone, or carry him in the car seat with me on those repeat trips. Which is what I did that day he didnt help swap the prams.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 24/04/2011 23:49

Why do you think he's being so careless of you and your DS whisperer?

Always been like that? Or having trouble adjusting to being half responsible for his DC?

Mammie81 · 24/04/2011 23:49

I feel sorry for you just for the parking situation! Let alone your DP!

thefruitwhisperer · 24/04/2011 23:54

I think he doesnt see the reality of being responsible for DS. Because he comes home from work to a fresh clean and fed smiling baby, he doesnt understand that I save the shopping and other heavy lifting etc for when hes off work. Which is exactly the time he wants to go out and play with his friends and wont carry anything!

OP posts:
popelle · 24/04/2011 23:56

I'm torn on this as I don't think he's being responsible but provided you have got everything that is essential into the house then does it really matter if he/you bring the rest later.

blackeyedsusan · 24/04/2011 23:56

i deliberately watched a couple leaving church today, women pushing the pram, man goes ahead and pushes the door open without a pause or being asked. i have stood at same door for an eternity with h and he had to be told that i was waiting for him to open the door...

it's not about the stuff, it's his attitude that he can go off and have fun and not take his share of the responsibility. (no, it is not help, you are jointly responsible) it is his lack of understanding that you have an agreement and that you have planned to take certain stuff because of this agreement and that changing plans would have an effect on you.

they act all hurt and tell you you are being unreasonable when you complain.

you have my sympathies. i also live in a flat, second floor.. but the children are now big enough to walk up the stairs (weyhey) and I am lucky enough to be able to pull up outside the back door to unload and have a garage to leave some of the shopping in to bring up another day. And neighbours to help watch the children sometimes. having to go across the main road must be a right pain, no wonder you are so resentful of dp! (it can sound opetty, but it is the cumulative effect, the attitude that seems to think they are not responsible and being unable to rely on them. bet you don't get to swan off with your friends at the drop of a hat!)

the good news is you get used to it, and plan really well have a boot full of junk (dc1 had trouble walking so was still carrying a toddler up the stairs whilst 9 months pregnant, with the change bag too, no wonder the plasterers got a dirty look when they came to plaster all the upstairs rooms when i was 8 1/2 months pregnant after they complained about carrying their stuff up the stairs!) (also went to gp with palpatations once, was asked what i had done immediately before, err carrying both children up the stairs, one at a time? she asks, "no, both together" combined weight of 30kg. twas the last time i did that Blush )

werdator · 24/04/2011 23:58

Why do you have to park so far away? Surely you must be eligible for a permit that would allow to park closer I would have thought.

thefruitwhisperer · 25/04/2011 00:03

I know in this instance it seems Im BU because it can wait. But given the other examples of where it was essential that I needed stuff that I couldnt carry - food shopping and the prams etc - it just seems that hes still not listening Sad

I told him I did 3 trips to swap those prams and he asked what prams... Hes got no idea whats going on despite 2 rows!

OP posts:
blackeyedsusan · 25/04/2011 00:04

popelle, it is not about the stuff, the stuff can wait sometimes... sometimes you do need it though and it has to come up. presumably fruit whisperer would have bought less stuff if she knew dp wasn't going to help carry it.

Can you get a sling and leave the car seat either in the car or flat whilst you are transferring stuff. i bought a back pack specifically for carrying ds up and down stairs so i had my hands free for a tantrumming exhausted just home from nursery 3 year old with mobility problems.. sounds like you are not going to be able to rely on him Sad

thefruitwhisperer · 25/04/2011 00:06

No, we cant park closer. We live 10 yards from a parking control area so arent eligable for a permit due to our addess, and our road takes the overflow. No houses have drive's as theres no room and commuters park down our road in the day. Theres 12 flats in our block alone and offices underneath too. The roads are packed full for half a mile around.

OP posts:
thefruitwhisperer · 25/04/2011 00:07

Thats a really good idea blackeyedsusan, thanks. But really I wish I didnt have to and he'd offer Sad

OP posts:
lampoon · 25/04/2011 00:08

He shouldn't be changing plans at such short notice on a regular basis but the I'm not a strong man line does make you sound a little bit feeble.

blackeyedsusan · 25/04/2011 00:11

you are right, he should offer, he should take responsibility and he should see that you need help, unfortunately i know from bitter experience that some people just do not see and are totally oblivious, even when you spell it out to them repeatedly-in-words-of- one -syllable (too tired to spell)

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