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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DP has no perception of what I can reasonably carry...

55 replies

thefruitwhisperer · 24/04/2011 23:15

Last week DP and I had a bit of a row about his perception of my ability to carry stuff. We went to the park so he could play football with his friends (he hates football btw) after doing some shopping. There was loads to carry, but I got a coffee and pottered about the charity shops, then came back an hour later to get him to walk home. He said he wasnt coming, would I be ok with all the stuff. I said, erm, well... and he was off! 'Ok! See you later then!' I was then left to carry upteen bags of crap to our first floor flat, including loads of food shopping. We rowed, he said sorry and that he understood that I cant carry much more than the usual stuff ie the baby, the pram, change bag, food bag etc.

So tonight I drop him at his friends house by my mums. We were going to be there most of the day so we took a big bag of toys/feeding bottles and the moses basket. The deal was that I pick him up later in the evening and we go back together.

Now hes said hes not coming back with me, hes getting the bus so he can stay out later, am I ok on my own. No Im not! After last week you think he would realise, how is she going to get all that shit back into the car without me, let alone up the stairs to the flat at 11pm! Right now theres the toy bag, food bag, bread bin, blanket bag and moses in the car waiting for him to bring up.

Am I right to be pissed off? I know it will get up to the flat at some point but thats not the issue, its him thinking Im a Strong Man! My mum is funny about her space so wont let me keep anything at her house and has a condition where her hands dont grip, so Ive basically had to wait for him to finish at his friends or go it alone.

He looks at a pram and thinks how much stuff can I dump on it, where as I look at a pram and think how am i going to get that bloody thing up the stairs!!! He should have some consideration shouldnt he?

Disclaimer : (I do realise Im lucky to have a DP that can carry stuff, I know some women have to go it alone all the time, and I totally admire that!)

OP posts:

GreenEyesandHam · 25/04/2011 00:13

TBH I really don't think the OP needs suggestions along the lines of "get a sling/ parking permit/ shopping trolley/ carthorse etc"

Get the DH to help you do the mundane stuff as you arranged, then he is free to fuck off and do the other bits.

cat64 · 25/04/2011 00:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

blackeyedsusan · 25/04/2011 00:14

lampoon, it is about sharing the load between two people, or having one person stay with the child whilst the other fetches the stuff from half a mile away repeatedly. her dp is expecting her to carry the load of shopping that should have been shared between 2 people. one person doing 2 peoples work. not at all feeble.

blackeyedsusan · 25/04/2011 00:22

greeneyes and ham, of course dp should do it. my h should have done stuff too, but you can't force someone to take responsibility, you can't drag them back when they don't want to come some people just will not take responsibility. you have to find ways around it, to make life easier for yourself. getting a sling and backpack is a lot easier to manage than trying to lug a full car seat half a mile along the road and upstairs. also in my experience you need 2 hands for a carseat upstairs because of the restricted width and clearance neccesary to go upstairs.

sometimes you need the pram and oh needs the car therefore you need the pram inside iotherwise the damn thing disappears for the day.

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 00:25

'Get the DH to help you do the mundane stuff as you arranged, then he is free to fuck off and do the other bits.'

That makes him sound like a 10 YO who has to do his chores before he goes out to play.

He is acting like one though, so I can see how you got to thinking like that.

Mspontipine · 25/04/2011 00:33

You do seem very over-loaded - is it really necessary to cart all that stuff about? Blanket bag.. bread bin???

SingingSands · 25/04/2011 00:51

OP - get a loud voice and use it on your DP. Pre-empt his zooming off with the lads with a loud "before you go, I'd appreciate your help carrying this stuff into the house, thank you".

I know where you are coming from, it's the cumulative effect of having to remind somebody every damn day to do something, it's exhausting!

AgentZigzag · 25/04/2011 00:53

It's the reminding someone to show they care for you that can sting Singing.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 25/04/2011 00:55

I can't believe this...why doesn't he take equal responisbility for the pram and bags? I'm not boasting...but my DH has always taken this stuff on...from day one!

He has collapsed the pram while I held the baby, packed the bags into the car etc....he just did it!

Maybe your DP wasn't taught to help?

NinkyNonker · 25/04/2011 08:34

Cat64 said what I was going to.

Tee2072 · 25/04/2011 08:36

If he doesn't understand, despite 2 rows, then he is either very very thick or you are not being very very clear.

You need to say 'I need help. I need help carrying all of this stuff.' If he kisses and runs? Shout after him 'OY! Get back here! I can't do this alone!!'

Stop being a doormat. Stand up for yourself.

wolfhound · 25/04/2011 08:48

YANBU. He is being unreasonable and behaving more like a teenager than an adult. The baby/food etc. etc. is both of your responsibilities. Would he be happy if you suddenly said - actually i'm going to stay out on my own, can you take everything back. Even without the carrying, he is being selfish.

Xenia · 25/04/2011 09:25

I suggest you go out more to see friends and leave him to cart the baby and stuff arond and then he'll see what it's all like. Just talk to him abouti t.

I do think in general though some women get very fat and unfit because they don't lug stuff around and one reason I'm 9 stone after 5 babies and my arm muscles looks quite strong is because of the day to day heavy lifting they seem to do.

In a sense his selfishness is giving you a free work out if you want to put an optimistic spin on it.

purepurple · 25/04/2011 09:33

Babies don't really ned that much stuff. Why does a 5 month need a whole bag of toys? And another bag for food? Blimey, no wonder you can't carry it all. Why do you need a moses basket and a pram? If baby needs to sleep, then let him sleep in the pram.
As for the bread bin

NinkyNonker · 25/04/2011 09:56

I do get a little confused by the amount of stuff some people take, at 8 mo dd just needs a couple of nappies etc, some snacks and a couple of toys/teethers for a day out really. Perhaps a hat, jumper, muslin etc.

unsurevalentine · 25/04/2011 10:01

My OH always carries everything even when clothes shopping

TotemPole · 25/04/2011 10:26

I don't understand why you need to take the bread bin or have a food bad for a 5 month old

I think you're taking far too much out with you.

But you do need to be more assertive with your DP about him helping.

TotemPole · 25/04/2011 10:27

Food bag even

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/04/2011 10:51

I agree with what GreenEyesandHam said in her first post. It's an issue about how you are treated. I'm assuming that DP is the father of your DC and that he has a vested interest in him. He should also have an interest in you. I can't believe that he leaves you with all the stuff to bring in, whether you needed it all in the first place or not.

He sounds like a selfish 'man-child', OP, he's behaving more like one of your kids than a partner and I feel very angry for you. :(

TidyDancer · 25/04/2011 10:57

DP does need to do more. But it sounds a lot like you're taking way too much stuff out with you! I have a 5-year-old and a baby and don't take half of what you do! I have a friend with a baby around the same age as mine and I virtually had to read her the riot act over the amount of crap she used to cart about with her. When she'd bring it into my house, we wouldn't be able to see the floor! You really need to have a look at what you think you need, because it really shouldn't be as much as you have with you now.

But WRT your original issue, it does seem that DP has some issues with listening to you, you need to put your foot down, if he tries to leave without helping you again, leave him with the baby for the day and let him cope with what you do. A taste of that is usually enough to reform!

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/04/2011 11:08

Lok, the problem is not that this man 'doesn't understand'. It's that he doesn't give a toss. His DW and DS are simply not that important to him, not as important as his mates, his beer and his playtimes.
It's the fact that he keeps going back on previous agreements to help the OP or be available to help her. He is demonstrating, repeatedly, that she doesn't matter, that the domestic work and childcare are her problem.

Did he want to have a baby in the first place, OP? Iwonder if he is bheaving like this because he doesn't see why his life should change at all now he is a father.

littleducks · 25/04/2011 11:13

I think there is a combination of factors here.

Your dh sounds a bit inconsiderate and probably could do with a day or two lugging stuff around like Xenia says.

You seem to be carrying too much stuff about, if you have a car I suggest packing a bag to stay in the book with 'emergency' supplies and a blanket that stays in the car so you immediately cut down on what you carry to and from the house.

And I did the same as you with my pfb but at 5 months no more than one or two small toys are required! Train the baby to people watch now!

Internet shopping for the heavy stuff can really help too.

I was in a similar situation with parking when mine were tiny, except I didnt drive then only dh did and we could park closer but had more stairs. So I do appreciate how irritating it is, I will never forget the pain of dragging the double buggy up the stairs when the both fell asleep!

So I would reorganise a bit and then sit down and explain how much more work it is for you now you have the baby, living where you do. I expect you managed fine before and he hasnt caught on yet.

mouseanon · 25/04/2011 11:15

You do seem to be making life more difficult than it needs to be. For a start leave the car seat in the car and use the pram to transport the baby. Why on earth were you carting a baby around in a car seat to swap prams?! Surely you put baby in pram 1 and push to car. Take pram 2 out of car and put baby into it. Put pram 1 in the car and walk home with baby in pram 2. If you have loads of stuff to get from car to flat then put baby in the pram, load it with stuff, walk to flat. Take baby and bag up to flat and put baby safe in cot, then fetch the rest of the stuff from the bottom of the stairs. Also agree that all I ever needed for a day out with baby was a changing bag. Plenty of room for all you need in there, nappies, wipes, bottles if using them, a bit of food, a couple of toys and a change of clothes. Isn't that the whole point of lugging those big bags around?

It does sound like your DP is being a bit selfish expecting to swan off with friends and leave you with the baby. I think you do need to stand up to him about that, at least get some time for yourself as well. I don't think it helps being a martyr though and making everything harder than it has to be.

indifferent · 25/04/2011 11:32

Sigh, why do I read this and think how lucky you are? (I know you are not, btw). My DH wouldn't dream of carrying anything, ever. So there would be no point me waiting until the weekend! And yes, it is a matter of respect and caring. He doesn't. I lug loads of soil when it is delivered, move furniture on my own, ALWAYS carry all the shopping (although generally get Ocado, god bless them, these days), the rubbish (we don't have wheelie bins so it is a matter of carrying sacks), all the suitcases in and out of the car when we go on holiday, the DC when they were smaller, the lawnmower etc. He either does not care or floats through life with no idea.

I thought you were going to talk about really heavy stuff, like small cupboards etc which my DH expects me to carry (I can't - I am a petite 5 ft 2) and then I am at a loss. I have been wanting to move a single bed from one bedroom to another for several months now, and a small sofa the other way (involving stairs and a turn on the landing both times otherwise I reckon I could do it) mentioning this occasionally to DH, hinting that we could do it together, but I reckon I am going to have to pay a removal man to come in and do it.....

Anyway, my point is, don't let this become a set in habit so that it doesn't change for the rest of your life. I am living proof that that can happen. You need to call your DH on it right now. He needs to understand that he MUST pull his weight in the family and that lifting and carrying is something that he is probably better suited to than are you.

IMO it takes a while after having children to realise that actually it DOES impinge on your lives and you can't carry on as you did before you had them - they are a SHARED responsibility between you and him and he needs to shoulder his part of that. I am guessing that many men take a while to come to grips with that.

In th meantime:

Can you not get Tesco, or whoever, to deliver and carry the bags up to your flat? Otherwise, a playpen for the little ones in the flat whilst you shuttle the bags is another solution (don't lock yourself out though).

Why do you have to take the pram upstairs to your flat? Can you not leave it in the car or in the hall? I bought a large Silver Cross pram second hand for a fiver and left that in the communal hall for walks and local shopping, and had a small fold up lightweight buggy in the car for days out. Perhaps that could work for you?

YANBU.

purepurple · 25/04/2011 11:38

indifferent I have a plan that always works with DH whenever I need stuff moving. I start to do it, get it stuck so DH has to come and 'rescue' me. It works every time because I play the damsel in distress and he gets to be a knight Why do they fall for it?
Could you not do that with your bed and sofa?

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