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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

DP has no perception of what I can reasonably carry...

55 replies

thefruitwhisperer · 24/04/2011 23:15

Last week DP and I had a bit of a row about his perception of my ability to carry stuff. We went to the park so he could play football with his friends (he hates football btw) after doing some shopping. There was loads to carry, but I got a coffee and pottered about the charity shops, then came back an hour later to get him to walk home. He said he wasnt coming, would I be ok with all the stuff. I said, erm, well... and he was off! 'Ok! See you later then!' I was then left to carry upteen bags of crap to our first floor flat, including loads of food shopping. We rowed, he said sorry and that he understood that I cant carry much more than the usual stuff ie the baby, the pram, change bag, food bag etc.

So tonight I drop him at his friends house by my mums. We were going to be there most of the day so we took a big bag of toys/feeding bottles and the moses basket. The deal was that I pick him up later in the evening and we go back together.

Now hes said hes not coming back with me, hes getting the bus so he can stay out later, am I ok on my own. No Im not! After last week you think he would realise, how is she going to get all that shit back into the car without me, let alone up the stairs to the flat at 11pm! Right now theres the toy bag, food bag, bread bin, blanket bag and moses in the car waiting for him to bring up.

Am I right to be pissed off? I know it will get up to the flat at some point but thats not the issue, its him thinking Im a Strong Man! My mum is funny about her space so wont let me keep anything at her house and has a condition where her hands dont grip, so Ive basically had to wait for him to finish at his friends or go it alone.

He looks at a pram and thinks how much stuff can I dump on it, where as I look at a pram and think how am i going to get that bloody thing up the stairs!!! He should have some consideration shouldnt he?

Disclaimer : (I do realise Im lucky to have a DP that can carry stuff, I know some women have to go it alone all the time, and I totally admire that!)

OP posts:
northerngirl41 · 25/04/2011 14:29

There's two unreasonable points to your argument:

  1. He's asked whether you can cope on your own - if not, say no, don't pussy foot around it.
  2. Is all this stuff really necessary? We have lived in flats with thousands of stairs, and a lot of the time we planned in advance to avoid hauling stuff up and down e.g. heavy shopping got delivered via Tesco, we didn't use a buggy at all, stuff got left in the car until DH could carry it up or I wasn't laden with loads of different things (we used a boot cover a lot of the time).
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 25/04/2011 19:51

I agree that the OP does seem to be lugging around more stuff than she needs (mind you I was a single parent with no car and still am though DS is out of the buggy stage now - but I am a big strapping wench who is an occasional makret trader so used to heavy bags and bulky stuff).
The problem, though is that this man is agreeing to help and then going 'Oh, well actually I'm not going to help, bye' and swanning off.
How much free time do you get, OP? How much childcare and domestic work does this man do? Becasue if you have a selfish entitled manchild for a partner, it unfortunately does tend to escalate to unberable levels when you have your first baby and the man demonstrates - in ways it's hard to ignore - that he doesn't regard you as his equal or even as a person - you are there to do his shitwork, suck his cock and stroke his ego.
So you either sit him down and tell him to change his behaviour or you will leave him/throw him out (depending on who owns house, etc) and set a time limit in your own head - or you bite the bullet and get rid of him on the grounds that men who think that being The One WIth The Penis means they rue the household very rarely change - or you resign yourself to a life of slavery.

QuintEggSentialPaints · 25/04/2011 19:55

I dont think the actual carrying is the problem, but the fact that you fit yourself and your baby around his leisure, and then he leaves you hanging, and on your own, for even longer, while he goes out with mates, and you are left with baby, his gear, babys gear, food shopping etc, while he has fun.

He is a right little shit, isnt he?

I do feel for you.

What do you think you can do to make him change? What if YOU turn the tables and say "Actually, no, it is NOT ok, I have arrangements with friends tonight, so this time YOU will have to take baby and all the gear home, See you!"

Journey · 25/04/2011 20:08

Is all the stuff really needed? It seems a bit pathetic that you can't manage all the things needed for a day at your Mum's. Pack lighter next time.

princessparty · 25/04/2011 20:10

'We went to the park so he could play football with his friends '

how old is he/ sounds like 12?

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