Am I the worst babysitter in the world?

[kisschase]

My BF has three children all under 5 & is in the middle of a messy divorce, so to give her a break, I have been taking the children for her now atleast once a week, so she can run errands and go shopping etc.
As much as I love her, she is very strict about what they can and can't do & has very strict rules where they are concerned i.e. no fizzy drinks, only sugar-free squash on special occasions otherwise water only, everything has to be organic, no sweets or chocolate, I have to keep my cat in a separate room when they are here , minimal TV - we have to do lots of crafty type things to encourage them to use their imaginations . . . the list goes on. I have learnt a lot of these going along, i.e "KC thanks for giving them lunch, but I'd rather you only fed them XYZ" or "I'd rather you didn't let them watch CBBebies for more than 20 minutes - do you think you could read to them instead?"
So, to the point of this thread, I had them yesterday so she could go shopping & have a mani pedi. The kids were happily running in and out of the house, playing in the garden (all supervised and covered in sunblock, hats etc) and when she arrived to pick them up, they were all sitting on the sofa, eating ice lollies (that I had made with the "authorised" sugar-free squash) & watching a Carry On film with my DP. It was the one with Jim Dale coming down the stairs on a trolley and because all 3 had been giggling at that bit and asking for it to be re-wound, we had left it on. To be fair they weren't paying it a lot of attention and were more interested in looking at my DP's fish tank.
Anyway, when we were waving goodbye, she opened the drivers window, called me over and said "Thanks again for having them for me, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't let them watch adult films like that again, I really don't think it's appropriate"

I do find all the rules I have to stick to exhausting and it's almost like the list is never ending - everytime I see them, something else is added that I have done wrong. DP thinks she's being ultra precious and I am being too nice but was I wrong in this case? Are Carry On films "adult films"??

Sorry for the ramble and thank you for getting this far!

You and your DP sound lovely. Your BF is very lucky to have people so supportive and tolerant around her.

Please look after my DC they love carry on films

Your friend sounds very controlling. I'd tell her that she is dictating too many rules and that it is all getting a bit much.

Tell her that you are willing to still look after her DCs but only if she gets her rules down to three. If she doesn't like this I'd then tell her well I can't look after your DCs then because you don't trust me.

OP, just a thought - could you ask her for a written list of all her instructions?

My reasoning is, if she wrote everything down, she might realise just how hard she's making it for you. And if she picked you up on anything as she leaves, you could ask her where in her list it was as you seem to have missed it?

It could be done quite diplomatically, e.g. "There's always something you're not happy with, I think it's because you assume I do things the same way as you but obviously I don't. I'd feel a lot better if we didn't make these assumptions and you made it explicit to me BEFORE what you want me to do. Just to make sure I do it, I'd like you to make a written list for me, so that I can 'brush up' before the kids come over and then I can make it perfect for you."

If she does do it (if she's anal enough she will) then she cannot leave with her usual parting shot, which will make you feel less annoyed, or if she does you can refer her to her list's inadequacy? Which to an anal person might sting a bit.

Just a thought.

yes, I think the act of writing down her appalling demands may make her stop and think about what she is actuallly asking of someone who has no obligation to do anything at all for her...

I was just going to say the same as Whereyouleftit. Write down every rule and show it to her and ask her to add to it as and when..... might make her see how she is being

Well I do have issues with cats around my DS and when MIL asks (she asks, it isn't favour really) to have him I prefer her not to have the cats in the room he sleeps, for safety reasons more than anything as I once saw one climb into his pram!! But this is ridiculous !

My DS isn't old enough to eat any foods or juice just yet (he's 4 months and just on baby rice) but I would ask that they dont eat sweets or fizzy drinks as these things are in general not good for them but as mani and pedi aren't necessities and you are clearly doing her a favour I think she is taking it too far.

It sounds like your friend thinks that you have so much fun with her children that she is in fact doing you a favour by allowing you to look after them. I don't think she would behave like this if she really appreciated what you're doing, she would be too afraid of you deciding not to do it any more.

And it does sound as if you like doing it. So if you want to carry on looking after them occasionally, for your own enjoyment, then I think the idea of having her write down her list of rules is a very good one. And then just accept them. Or, if you think it's more trouble than it's worth to look after the children, then stop offering. No one will blame you.

When my youngest two go to nursery, I pretty much expect that they will not be given sugary drinks, eat rubbish or watch TV. Because they go to nursery three times a week which is quite a a lot of their time and because most of the time I want them to have a healthy, stimulating lifestyle.

About once a month I ask MIL to look after them. At her house they eat chocolate biscuits, usually instead of, rather than as well as lunch because MIL has never grasped that they have small appetites and that a couple of biscuits go a long way. If it's raining they watch TV. They drink a horribly sugary drink that BIL keeps in the house and that they regard as a treat.

I grin and bear it because 1/ It's once a month and 2/ MIL is doing me a FAVOUR by looking after them.

Your friend needs to lighten up. She is taking advantage of your good nature.

I think you sound like a lovely friend and I add my tupence worth to all the posters who say I would be HUGELY grateful for this sort of help for my 2 dses and all I would ask were that they were happy, fed, watered and safe. Your house, your rules. Of course it is different in sofia's case where her ds has medical reasons but you actually sound as though you have followed all the rules as soon as you know about them.

I would tell her to f*ck off I think but given that you don't want to do this (and I get your reasons) then I would have a frank discussion with her about how you are finding it stressful always feeliung as though you are doingsomething wrong so to avoid this in the future could she:

a) give you a written list of her rules
b) provide snacks / packed lunches for her children so you know she will be happy with what you are feeding her
c) trust that you will always follow her rules unless there are exceptional circumstances, and that if for whatever reason you haven't (or if you have done something she hadn't told you about so you couldn't know) to please let it lie.

If she is unable to do this I think in all honesty this isn't going to end well is it? As eventually you are going to end up resentful of her taking the p*ss out of you and you will blow your stack.

As an aside has she EVER said thankyou?

So just to be sure...

You are not feeding the kids crack cocaine while you and you DP invite random strangers around the house for some BDSM fun?

No... I didn't think so.

Your friend is being totally precious and ungrateful.

Anytime you want to babysit my DS and let him watch inappropriate films and fill him up with crap, I'd be grateful.

You and your DP sound lovely

If you were a really bad babysitter you`d give them a can of red bull each, and a big bag of brightly coloured sweets, then send them back to her.

Also, I have 12 week old you`re welcome to anytime, especially at around 6pm which is generally tantrummy, breath holdy, scream the house down until the neighbours think im beating him, so have to get in the car and drive for miles until he settles time.

So, if youre oop north, feel free, ill pay and all i ask is he`s fed, warm, and has a clean bum.

I actually think it's good for children to have different experiences with different people. eat different stuff, play different games, build their own relationships with them. I think this is more valuable than them only eating rice cakes or whatever. So, being this controlling is an issue and your friend seems to be getting worse, not better.

And as others have said, getting anyone to babysit 3 under 5's is just a miracle, you really are a kind friend and the children will be benefitting a lot from your more relaxed attitude.

The advice to say something is good advice, I couldn't carry on knowing I was going to be criticised every time, I would only personally mention an issue if it was actually a danger thing or they were going to be very over-tired.

I have only ONE comment:

No wonder her husband cant take any more.

Actually, I have a second comment:

Your friend is a real BITCH.

Not much useful to add, but I have a vivid memory of peeking through the doorhole into the living room to watch the end of a Carry On film when I was a child as it finished past my bed time. I did not understand any of the oblique sexual references but thought it was funny anyway and the whole point of Carry on films are that they have two levels of humour.

It does sound like your BF needs a pal so I can understand why you keep on trying, but next time perhaps you can say something to her because her attitude seems ludicrous.

You sound brilliant, ffs i thought she'd walked in on the kids eating human flesh or smoking crack (sorry but i do draw the line somewhere, hehe).Sounds like you love having the kids, but draw a line under it.

I can see why they are getting divorced (Evil Cackle)....

Tell her to go fuck herself!
What a bloody cheek! you are doing her a MASSIVE favour, and if she doesnt like your way she can go jump.

Your friend is a ridiculous ungrateful cow. You sound like the most amazing friend, and she's very lucky to have you. I agree with the idea of asking the rules to be written down - maybe when she sees them she will realise how ridiculous she's being.

thanks for the update kischase, by the way, you sound like you would make a lovely mum!

your friend def needs some help, poor lady - she needs to deal with her control behaviour, try to get her to see that if you can as her kids will be affected by it so badly too

x

with the carry on films (which i love!) its not so much the things they say as that goes over kids heads, but some of the scenes are a bit 'ooooer missus'!!!!!!!

I feel desperately sorry for the dcs and that you and your dp are probably a really lovely break for them.

My 5 yr old loves Carry on Screaming by the way. The bits that might be deemed mildly inappropriate go way over her head.

Your friend seems to have control issues. I have some of my own in that I know for example my mother doesn't have my protect instinct when my dd is hurtling down the pavement on her scooter.

But if they are safe in your house I think she ought to be bleeding grateful.

She may realise that one day if you are patient enough to hang around. It does sound like her life is pretty stressful and she may not be herself at the moment.

My friend cared for dd for 3 hours. She's a fab friend but I am a bit stricter about food than her - not really strict, it's just that we don't go to MacDonalds etc (dd is 3). My friend took dd and her son (also 3) for a "picnic" which turned out to ba a MacDonalds.

I wasn't too chuffed but my friend cared for my dd when I was stuck for childcare and I know dd had fun and was safe. She will survive the odd MacDonalds although she still won't be getting them from me still. I don't think I'd be too keen on dd watching a Carry On film but I imagine that at my parents house it is highly likely my dad will watch one with her so I won't be too precious about it. It could be so much worse!

So really what I'm saying is that she is ungrateful and you should say, I'm sorry but if you don't like how I care for children maybe I shouldn't have them each week. I thought I was doing you a favour but I think you are being unreasonable and I don't feel like you appreciate what I'm doing. I'm not you and so yes I will do things differently to you."