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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the worst babysitter in the world?

122 replies

kisschase · 24/04/2011 12:46

My BF has three children all under 5 & is in the middle of a messy divorce, so to give her a break, I have been taking the children for her now atleast once a week, so she can run errands and go shopping etc.
As much as I love her, she is very strict about what they can and can't do & has very strict rules where they are concerned i.e. no fizzy drinks, only sugar-free squash on special occasions otherwise water only, everything has to be organic, no sweets or chocolate, I have to keep my cat in a separate room when they are here Confused, minimal TV - we have to do lots of crafty type things to encourage them to use their imaginations . . . the list goes on. I have learnt a lot of these going along, i.e "KC thanks for giving them lunch, but I'd rather you only fed them XYZ" or "I'd rather you didn't let them watch CBBebies for more than 20 minutes - do you think you could read to them instead?"
So, to the point of this thread, I had them yesterday so she could go shopping & have a mani pedi. The kids were happily running in and out of the house, playing in the garden (all supervised and covered in sunblock, hats etc) and when she arrived to pick them up, they were all sitting on the sofa, eating ice lollies (that I had made with the "authorised" sugar-free squash) & watching a Carry On film with my DP. It was the one with Jim Dale coming down the stairs on a trolley and because all 3 had been giggling at that bit and asking for it to be re-wound, we had left it on. To be fair they weren't paying it a lot of attention and were more interested in looking at my DP's fish tank.
Anyway, when we were waving goodbye, she opened the drivers window, called me over and said "Thanks again for having them for me, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't let them watch adult films like that again, I really don't think it's appropriate"

I do find all the rules I have to stick to exhausting and it's almost like the list is never ending - everytime I see them, something else is added that I have done wrong. DP thinks she's being ultra precious and I am being too nice but was I wrong in this case? Are Carry On films "adult films"??

Sorry for the ramble and thank you for getting this far!

OP posts:
pigletmania · 25/04/2011 09:29

Does this woman show you appreciation, take you out for a meal, flowers choccies or even say thanks, or just bombard you with critiscm on pick up. No wonder her xh has left her. Next time she criticises suggest she use a childminder or nursery next time. I would have a civilised chat to her along the lines of if your not happy than find alternative childcare.

pigletmania · 25/04/2011 09:31

Your too nice, some friend she is

unsurevalentine · 25/04/2011 09:46

I am quite shocked at how anal some people are about their kids on this thread, esp with food.

Do these people follow these rules with their own diets?

Am sure this contributes to the focus being on diet rather than behaviour and the massive amount of allergies people seem to have in this country.

Salmotrutta · 25/04/2011 10:04

Kisschase - I couldn't resist coming back to say you clearly have a warm and generous heart and the posters who have sided with your "friend" obviously haven't read the thread properly.

I'm amazed that you do all these things for her children - I would have lost patience after one time very early on in the arrangement.

You are a rare person indeed OP and your pal should value you more highly. Smile

pigletmania · 25/04/2011 10:09

Not many friends would do this on s regular basis and put up with the flack from her. I know that I don't know her, but from what you have said in here she does not sound nice, rather a user if you ask me

ScroobiousPip · 25/04/2011 10:16

In answer to your question, no I wouldn't let under 5s watch Carry On films.

But, your friend does sound like she's expecting far too much from you. She's getting a lot of childcare for free and could learn to relax a little. I think you need to talk to her about how you feel or things will build up and you could end up losing the friendship over it.

Oh, and giving sugar-free squash to children. Seriously??? Aspartame in particular is thought possibly to be carcinogenic. And the other chemicals are pretty nasty too.

bruffin · 25/04/2011 10:20

Carry on films are fab, but not for kids! grin
The double entendre of Carry on Films go completely over kids heads, like pantomimes and the Simpsons.

Agree with the other 99% you are far to nice OP.

Are these children actually, any nicer, healthier, intelligent etc for her restrictions. Could you point out nicely to her that most other children around are not bought up by control freaks and manage to survive.

hairfullofsnakes · 25/04/2011 10:25

I think it is extremely unkind and bitchy to say that 'no wonder her XH left her' like some people have said. Just because this lady has rules for her children it does not mean she is anal, why are so many posters so insecure about how others choose to parent?!

bruffin · 25/04/2011 10:28

Don't agree hairfullofsnakes - I suspect the way she treats her children is very telling of the way leads the the rest of her life.

hairfullofsnakes · 25/04/2011 10:30

What are you on about cat64? Yes i still state that when op has kids she may be more understanding about her rules for her kids

The friend can definitely show more gratitude but if the op has a problem xhe should talk to her friend about her behaviour!

ben5 · 25/04/2011 10:31

do you fancy coming to look after my 2 ds aged 5 and 7. you sound a great babysitter
ds1 can't have peanuts( unless you use epipen!!)
ds2 to austic but as long as you play ball with him you'll be fine. Carry on Film seems funny. ds1 might like it ds2 wouldn't have a clue! Will try them on one later!!
Oh and I live in Oz so the sun is out and it's warm if you want the job............!!!!

hairfullofsnakes · 25/04/2011 10:32

So not wanting her kids to have a bad diet and not watch carry on films or too much tv makes her a bad mum?! Do you realise how that sounds???!!!!

pigletmania · 25/04/2011 10:35

hairfullof totally disagree. The friend trusts the op to look after her kids than she should trust her judgement, if not find alternative childcare. If I behaved like this to dd godmum who dies the same as the op than it would be the last time she offers. Yes indeed her kids her rules, but she keeps changing them and makes snide comments to the op. If your not happy look after them yourself, others do, she dosent know how lucky she is

pigletmania · 25/04/2011 10:39

Sugar free drinks is not good if the friend did her research she would know how bad they are. I would tell her how u feel ip and stop looking after her kids

bruffin · 25/04/2011 10:42

Yep

Being yoo controlling is just ad bad as beinneglectful

femalevictormeldrew · 25/04/2011 10:44

Every post from you kisschase makes me want you as my friend. You sound lovely and kind and I would love to have someone as helpful to leave my kids with!

pigletmania · 25/04/2011 10:55

Yes I could not live with my dh if he were that controlling. She could have controlled the way he parents their children.

hairfullofsnakes · 25/04/2011 11:05

You are making a lot of assumptions about a lady you don't even know pigletmania maybe you should think about that!

And no, I am not her! Lol

Original poster
kisschase · 25/04/2011 11:10

hairfullofsnakes She is my friend but she is anal and very tightly wound. She is as strict with herself, as she is with her children. Everything about her and her life and her house must be perfect. I can't remember the last time I saw her really relax and let herself go - and I am talking about even when she was in the first flush of love with her ex. She used to be as strict and controlling with him, esp. food and drink wise - a couple of times I bumped into him on the last train out of Liverpool St, clutching a McD bag and he'd always say to me "we don't have to mention this to XX, do we?" He left her because a) he was a twat and had an affair (inexcusable) but also because b) he couldn't take anymore of her controlling or constantly being in the wrong. He is also one of my DP close friends and so I do have both sides.
I don't think she is a bad parent - those LO's couldn't have more love and care - but she could relax abit. Even you must be able to see that.

Oh, and if I do ever have LOs of my own, I don't believe I would or could ever be as rigid as she is being. I ate jam and spread, a whole banana after a big tea and had the odd fizzy drink and watched sesame street and the muppet show and lots of other tv as a kid, & I don't think its harmed me too much.

ben5 Thank you for the offer, and believe me, if I could, I would be there in a heart beat Grin

cat64 & pigletmania & femalevictormeldrew & everyone else who's posted thank you for all your kind posts Wine

OP posts:
pigletmania · 25/04/2011 11:13

Of course I don't know her hair I am just going on what op is saying, that she is very controlling and that is why the op has started this thread. Who knows what the reason for their was but if she does have control issues this will not have helped.

pigletmania · 25/04/2011 11:14

For their divorce was meant to add

pigletmania · 25/04/2011 11:18

kiss have you suggested that she sees her gp about her issues, this can't be good for her kids, when they are older they could end up with issues of their own

pigletmania · 25/04/2011 11:21

Sounds like she has some form of OCD and yes I do have a psychological background

Needanewname · 25/04/2011 11:22

She (the friend) is being unreasonable but maybe can't see it.

Yes rules are there, I am a pretty strict mum, but when a friend offers to look after my children, if I trust them to do so, I also have to trust their judgement on what is appropriate. If they are doing something I don;t like, I wouldn't ever dictate to them what to do, I jhust wouldn't ask the to babysit again.

Bumperlicioso · 25/04/2011 11:23

I think she needs to decide what her bottom lines are. Dh takes dd1 to his mum's and she plies them both with crap. It's not very often and I have learned not to ask what she has! However dh knows what the bottom lines are e.g. No sugar free squash.

Ask your friend what the most important things to her are, what's the bottom line. To be honest you are doing her a massive favour but we all have things we are precious about so I would stick to the most important thing, ie bugger the crafty stuff!