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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I the worst babysitter in the world?

122 replies

kisschase · 24/04/2011 12:46

My BF has three children all under 5 & is in the middle of a messy divorce, so to give her a break, I have been taking the children for her now atleast once a week, so she can run errands and go shopping etc.
As much as I love her, she is very strict about what they can and can't do & has very strict rules where they are concerned i.e. no fizzy drinks, only sugar-free squash on special occasions otherwise water only, everything has to be organic, no sweets or chocolate, I have to keep my cat in a separate room when they are here Confused, minimal TV - we have to do lots of crafty type things to encourage them to use their imaginations . . . the list goes on. I have learnt a lot of these going along, i.e "KC thanks for giving them lunch, but I'd rather you only fed them XYZ" or "I'd rather you didn't let them watch CBBebies for more than 20 minutes - do you think you could read to them instead?"
So, to the point of this thread, I had them yesterday so she could go shopping & have a mani pedi. The kids were happily running in and out of the house, playing in the garden (all supervised and covered in sunblock, hats etc) and when she arrived to pick them up, they were all sitting on the sofa, eating ice lollies (that I had made with the "authorised" sugar-free squash) & watching a Carry On film with my DP. It was the one with Jim Dale coming down the stairs on a trolley and because all 3 had been giggling at that bit and asking for it to be re-wound, we had left it on. To be fair they weren't paying it a lot of attention and were more interested in looking at my DP's fish tank.
Anyway, when we were waving goodbye, she opened the drivers window, called me over and said "Thanks again for having them for me, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't let them watch adult films like that again, I really don't think it's appropriate"

I do find all the rules I have to stick to exhausting and it's almost like the list is never ending - everytime I see them, something else is added that I have done wrong. DP thinks she's being ultra precious and I am being too nice but was I wrong in this case? Are Carry On films "adult films"??

Sorry for the ramble and thank you for getting this far!

OP posts:
Greythorne · 24/04/2011 13:13

Hm
Dépends if she is paying you or not.

If she is, then i think she is effectively tour boss and gets to make thé rules.

If she is not and you are babysitting out of thé goodness of your heart, then as long as her kids are safe, fed and watered, entertained and rétif éd. To her intact, she is way out of order.

If anyone takes my DC for an afternoon, i am infinitely grateful when they are returned to me without medical intervention having been required. That's all i ask.

Goblinchild · 24/04/2011 13:17

If she is paying you, that puts a different slant on things. So I'd either have a proper talk to her about your stress levels or charge her a significant amount to offset the irritation.

Jemma1111 · 24/04/2011 13:21

If you can't bring yourself to tell her where to go then the next time you look after her kids make sure you have loads of fun with them and let them get covered in paint, mud, food etc and give them loads of sweets so they're running wild when she comes for them!

She probably won't ask you again! Grin

Original poster
kisschase · 24/04/2011 13:30

Thank you to everyone for your responses - you have all basically repeated what my DP has said to me over and over, but I feel better hearing it from you MNetters :) Everytime she picks them up, he says to me, "So, come on then, what did you do wrong this time?"

Just to be clear, she isn't paying me & I offer to take them for her to give her a break. I don't have kids of my own, so it's quite nice for me (& DP) as they really are lovely kids and seem to enjoy being with us.

I am used to it all now, as she is as strict with herself as she is with her kids - and it is probably a big part of the reason her ex left her, as she is so very controlling about everything. But they are kids and would it kill them if I gave them a funsize packet of smarties or a mini babybel every now and then?? Of course not, and I have had the conversation with her before and she always gives me that tight little smile and changes the conversation.

DP usually manages to give them a few little treats when they are with us - he always says he would feel terrible if didn't!

OP posts:
Original poster
kisschase · 24/04/2011 13:33

P.S We didn't put the Carry On film for them, it was already on.
Carry On films are our guilty pleasure - that and reading Heat magazine. We enjoy it whilst we are watching/reading it and then feel appallingly dirty after!!

Maybe we shouldn't be left alone with children!!!!! Wink

OP posts:
Grabaspoon · 24/04/2011 13:34

No you're not the worst babysitter - I am Grin

I am a nanny and will often help out with my friends kids - however because they are friends kids we do things that I wouldn't do with my charges - so I allow them endless ice lollies, to watch cbeebies, get up before their alarm goes off, go to bed when they like etc etc. My friends are just glad that they can leave their kids in "safe hands" Grin

Sidge · 24/04/2011 13:40

Wot Colditz said.

You are a lovely friend but she is taking the piss.

I'm all for rules - if I had someone to look after my three for a few hours I wouldn't expect them to smoke around them, feed them alcohol, shut them in a cupboard or hit them but essentially as long as I got them back fed, happy and alive I'd have been grateful for the break!

RubyGrace17 · 24/04/2011 13:52

You sound really lovely :) My friends don't often look at my children for me (she's lucky to have a friend like you!) but my family do and if they do things in a different way to me or in a way which I personally disapprove of, I would never express my annoyance! I think myself lucky that they are looking after my children and know they love them as much as I do and they would never put them in harms way. Things like eating a mcdonalds, drinking a milkshake, watching too much cbeeies etc etc. I think of them as occasional treats that my girls get now and again if auntie or granny and papa are looking after them. I'm just grateful for the help and would never dream of complaining!
Think your friend is taking advantage, OP. She should realise how lucky she is :)

Ruby

Grabaspoon · 24/04/2011 14:19

Oh and I have also been known to get the baby up to play when she woke an hour after bedtime Shock Grin

Salmotrutta · 24/04/2011 14:31

You sound like the best friend ever OP - and she sounds like an utter nightmare with her rules and regulations.

Cheeky besom.

Morloth · 24/04/2011 14:47

"Thanks again for having them for me, but I'd appreciate it if you didn't let them watch adult films like that again, I really don't think it's appropriate"

Response to that is: 'oh don't worry it will never happen again...'

Marlinspike · 24/04/2011 14:52

You are a lovely babysitter and I'm sure the children enjoy staying with you as things are probably more relaxed than at home (even if you are trying your best to stick to the growing list of "rules"!)

She is being over-controlling, and will find it really hard to handle it when her DCs start school and start going to other people's houses - you really can't expect to lay down the law as she is doing when people are doing you a favour!

I would say tell her to get stuffed, but you and your DP obviously enjoy spending time with her DCs.

I used to love Carry On films as a child (not so much now, but enjoy Heat magazine! [BUGRIN]) The double entendres just go straight over kids' heads; there's no harm in them what so ever!

Marlinspike · 24/04/2011 14:53

D'oh! Rabbit smiley didn't work![bugrin]

Groovee · 24/04/2011 14:53

You sound ideal to me, You're doing it out the goodness of your heart and not being paid. Tell her no next time as you find dealing with her worse than facing your boss.

Blatherskite · 24/04/2011 15:14

Cheeky cow! [bushock]

FabbyChic · 24/04/2011 15:19

I think she should be grateful for the free child care.

You carry on doing what you are doing, however you are doing it, you are a great friend.

TastesLikePanda · 24/04/2011 15:22

I once turned up to babysit my neighbours daughter so pissed I could barely stand. (she was 10 and very sensible, I was 18 and not half as sensible as she was - tbh I don't even know why they let me in but they did [bublush] )
That is bad babysitting - not letting the poor kids have some fun!

unsurevalentine · 24/04/2011 16:36

You sound lovely!!

I have an old schoolfriend who can't have children who loves to take my 3 for weekends with her DH (I LOVE her Grin).

She spoils them rotten and gives them loads of things they don't have at home, for this reason they LOVE going and I don't mind as its only once in a while and the "usual" rules are restored when they come back.

It was the same with me at my Grans when I was a child who used to let me have sugar sandwiches (with butter) Grin.

SkipToTheEnd · 24/04/2011 16:39

Can you come and be my friend instead? I'll let you feed my DC whatever you want if it gets me peace once a week :o

SofiaAmes · 24/04/2011 16:53

I have to say that I disagree with most of the posters. I would imagine that your bf has those rules for her children because she thinks they are good and helpful to her children. If you really want to be helpful to her, why on earth can't you follow the rules. They don't seem that complicated. No candy/junk food/tv. How difficult can it be to do that? I think it's really impertinent of your partner to secretly feed candy to kids whose mother has expressly requested otherwise. Does he think that he is benefitting the kids by teaching them to sneak behind their mother's back and giving them things that their mother doesn't want them to have. I completely understand if you choose not to help your friend, but if you do say you are being helpful in her time of need by taking her children, then do try to be actually helpful by following her rules. Someday when you have children you may understand how important/useful those rules were.

I am particularly sensitive on this issue as I have a ds who is very susceptible to illnesses. If he doesn't get enough sleep, or has too much screen time, or doesn't have a healthy meal...he gets ill. The last time someone decided that I was "too strict" with him and didn't follow the instructions for caring from him (in this case it was actually a doctor's letter), ds ended up having a 6 week migraine that we could only stop by giving him seriously strong anti-convulsant drugs (which he has to take for many many months). I will never ask that person to babysit for me again. And he was supposedly "helping" me by looking after my ds. Instead he created a mess for me (and my poor ds) that I am still crawling out of.

purplepidjin · 24/04/2011 17:04

Because the OP's friend hasn't made these things clear fromt he outset, Sofia.

The OP is only finding out when her BF makes snide comments after she has let them watch tv/given them a packet of sweets etc. And there is no (given) medical reason why the children can't have the occasional treat. I assume that you gave specific directions on how to prevent your ds from becoming ill to the person who looked after him, which were then ignored?

SofiaAmes · 24/04/2011 17:18

I disagree with you. The OP was very clear that her bf "has very strict rules" and knows perfectly well what they are and aren't allowed. By her own description of events, she has decided that she thinks these rules are foolish and chose to ignore them and then acted surprised when her bf called her on it. That's not the same thing as not realizing that the rules existed. In any case, a parent shouldn't need a doctor to tell them that too much tv/candy/junk food is not good for their kids. And it would be respectful for the OP to follow her bf's request regarding her kids, since presumably the bf knows her kids well enough to know what is an isn't good for them.

In my case, not only did I give specific instructions to the person looking after my ds (and the school...as he was on a school trip), I actually had a doctor's instructions as well. I know that the person looking after my ds on this occasion thinks I'm overly protective of him, which is why I had gotten a doctor's note to back up my instructions.

SofiaAmes · 24/04/2011 17:21

I think it boils down to common sense and respect. If the OP really wants to be helpful to her friend, then she should respect her wishes. When she has her own kids then she can have her own rules that suit her own children.

TheOriginalFAB · 24/04/2011 17:23

I am incredibly fussy and even I don't think you are the worst. Tell her you don't feel able to look after her kids again as she clearly doesn't think you are good enough.

WillieWaggledagger · 24/04/2011 17:34

but sofia the OP has followed the instructions once she has been made aware of them - she says herself she has only learnt some of them as she goes along, and she is working with those rules, so she is respecting her friend;s wishes.

OP, your pal is coming across as ungrateful but she probably doesn't realise. i agree with IvyKaty about control.