to uproot my family because I hate the commute so much

[BeattieBow]

(please be a bit gentle - this is my first aibu!)

Anyway, I currently commute to work in London 3-4 times a week. it can take up to 2 hours each way. There is no option to move jobs to the town that I live as I work in a specialist field, and in any case there are no jobs in the town that I live so I couldn't do a career change. I can't cut down my hours (well maybe to 3 days a week, but not less than that. ).

I find it impossible to commute. I have to leave before breakfast and am back between 6-7. I am lucky in that I can leave my job at 5, but still it takes a couple of hours to get home. dh stays in the morning until 8, but he isn't home until after me often in the evenings. Leaving an au pair to do tea/bed/bath. Once a week I skive off work early and am home by 5.15. Once a week I leave late to work and get in at 10.30. although dh is here in the morning with the children, he isn't here for dinner, so we don't have a parent here to help them with homework/talk about school/sort out the house etc. When I first started working, dh said that he would be here twice a week at tea time. That didn't prove possible.

I hate commuting. It leaves me really really tired. I feel that I ought to be here with the children. I want to be here with the children for breakfast and at tea time. My job would allow me to do that if I was living in London too.

dh works closer to home, but is considering moving his job to London too. That would leave us both commuting.

Children are very settled in their schools, with friends etc. We have a biggish house with garden. State schools ok here, but not fantastic. Grandparents here too. dh is saying that I am being selfish uprooting our happy children to live in a tiny flat in central London (we would rent to start with to get in the catchment of a good school - and we could only rent a smallish flat, but this would be for a year). We need to move now because we would be applying for a secondary school place to dd1 in Sept so would need to be there by then.

I really don't feel I could continue commuting long term. and would quite work if I stayed living here. dh says I'm bribing him, but it just isn't sustainable. I still have responsibility for the children, and really feel that I am neglecting them if I'm not here/too tired. I have discussed this with the older children and they don't feel neglected needless to say!

They all love their friends and living here, and I am so scared of making a huge mistake. Then again, I can't see myself doing this forever. Am I being a selfish cow thinking of moving them all?

Sorry about the mammoth post!

No, your not insane not to want to commute 4 hrs a day with 5 kids. And it woold not be doable for both of you to commute.

But central London, with its dire shortage of places in good schools and hideous property prices in catchment, when you have 5 kids? I wouldn't contemplate that either. Besides, most of my colleagues who live in London commute longer than I do.

May I suggest a compromise move to a commuter town within 1 hr of London?

Is there anyway you can commute to a suburb on the boundary of London and still cut down your commute?

I don't know where you live now but Surbiton (for example) is a nice area with lots of green areas and the river. Also you can get a fast train direct to Waterloo several times an hour and it only takes about 20 mins. I don't know where you work in London but once in Waterloo, you hook up with thw tube network and are within arms reach of most of central London. It would cut your commute to under and hour.

There are options in between staying where you are and living in the city centre.

wannaBe - how old is your ds? My ds is having to move schools anyway - he's at a prep school which finishes next year. Also dd1 would be going to senior school here, but she has an absolute special best friend who she is gutted about leaving (who we aren't too botherered about separating her from, but that's a different thread).

The reason we picked central (well North) London is that we know people there. We found it very difficult moving here and starting all over again. I'm not sure about living in commuter towns, but we were thinking about Wimbledon/Twickenham as an option. We did like the idea of Kent though because of the grammar schools.

Thanks everyone for contributing. It's definite food for thought. I was very depressed after reading the first few posts. Now I've just had a lovely lunch with my mum (who lives in this town, and who I haven't mentioned this to yet) and some wine, and I'm more than confused.

amicissima it's good to hear a positive view about moving too.

Can you not do what you do for yourself as a consultant and work from home ?
I have lots of children and trying to get them all school places in the state system is neigh on impossible, we fell into private education with wrap around care as a result and it's the only way working with a big family seems to work unless you moved to an area with the best schools, brought grandparents with you and bought prior to 2000 so aren't mortgaged to the eyeballs.

You could try Cambridge - 50 min commute to Kings Cross, and there is a wide selection of good and outstanding schools to choose from, plus excellent private day schools and the best sixth form college in the country.

I don't think that commuting 4 hours a day with 5 children can be sustainable for your family relationships or your own well being. I've read the same study someone mentioned above on the thread, that people massively underestimate how stressful commuting is - and by stressful, I believe they meant 'tending to cause clinically diagnosable levels of stress'.

As people have said, you'd probably do much better to move somewhere within the London commuter belt with good schools. The kids will meet new friends - which they would have done at Yr 7 anyway - and will get to spend that precious time with their mum.