to uproot my family because I hate the commute so much

[BeattieBow]

(please be a bit gentle - this is my first aibu!)

Anyway, I currently commute to work in London 3-4 times a week. it can take up to 2 hours each way. There is no option to move jobs to the town that I live as I work in a specialist field, and in any case there are no jobs in the town that I live so I couldn't do a career change. I can't cut down my hours (well maybe to 3 days a week, but not less than that. ).

I find it impossible to commute. I have to leave before breakfast and am back between 6-7. I am lucky in that I can leave my job at 5, but still it takes a couple of hours to get home. dh stays in the morning until 8, but he isn't home until after me often in the evenings. Leaving an au pair to do tea/bed/bath. Once a week I skive off work early and am home by 5.15. Once a week I leave late to work and get in at 10.30. although dh is here in the morning with the children, he isn't here for dinner, so we don't have a parent here to help them with homework/talk about school/sort out the house etc. When I first started working, dh said that he would be here twice a week at tea time. That didn't prove possible.

I hate commuting. It leaves me really really tired. I feel that I ought to be here with the children. I want to be here with the children for breakfast and at tea time. My job would allow me to do that if I was living in London too.

dh works closer to home, but is considering moving his job to London too. That would leave us both commuting.

Children are very settled in their schools, with friends etc. We have a biggish house with garden. State schools ok here, but not fantastic. Grandparents here too. dh is saying that I am being selfish uprooting our happy children to live in a tiny flat in central London (we would rent to start with to get in the catchment of a good school - and we could only rent a smallish flat, but this would be for a year). We need to move now because we would be applying for a secondary school place to dd1 in Sept so would need to be there by then.

I really don't feel I could continue commuting long term. and would quite work if I stayed living here. dh says I'm bribing him, but it just isn't sustainable. I still have responsibility for the children, and really feel that I am neglecting them if I'm not here/too tired. I have discussed this with the older children and they don't feel neglected needless to say!

They all love their friends and living here, and I am so scared of making a huge mistake. Then again, I can't see myself doing this forever. Am I being a selfish cow thinking of moving them all?

Sorry about the mammoth post!

The kids might rebel anyway, living in one place is no guarantee they won't. Maybe they will think "God, I wished my parents lived in exciting London instead of here. They're so unfair!" (imagine last bit said Kevin teh teenager style)

We moved all over the place as children, back and forwards between the Netherlands and Germany as my dad's work dictated. We settled quickly and adapted to schooling in a different language well.
So children can and do move frequently. I also consider myself easily adaptable to new situations because of the experiences I had as a child. It added to my childhood.

So from that point of view you could and should most definately move.

HOWEVER, my sister has lived and worked in London all her adult life. No matter where she lives (and she has rented many different flats in different boroughs) her commute has been 45 minutes to an hour most times. Add to that tube strikes, cancelled trains, missing busses and she finds herself hiking across London on a semi-regular basis.
The OP would have to live very very close for her to cut down her commute significantly.

Personally I would start looking for a different job. Surely the commuting must cost a fair bit so you could look at a slightly well paid job much closer to home.

Good luck, whatever you decide.

Exactly BehindLockNumberNine. It gets to a point where you're better off living a bit further out near a good train line, because if you live closer in you take the same time to cover a shorter distance - tube/bus.

This site looks interesting.

There have been some good lists of questions to ask yourself before embarking on major changes. Key to me would be, realistically, living in London, how much extra time would you really buy yourself, given that you may still have a commute on the busy tube etc
I agree that children can have a pleasant life in a decent size apartment, particuarly if near green spaces, and good schools. But if you have a high powered post, then the idea of being around for the morning school run and lunchtime picnics is unlikely! Try and weigh up what your typical day would actually be like and then see how it compares to now.
Good luck and am sure your family will do fine whichever you decide

I know someone whose family moved from a large house in the country (and commuted) to a smaller flat in the city centre (New York). The children were teenagers and absolutely loved it

I should add that the apartment overlooked Lincoln Centre and the father had a 10 minute commute to work (mum didn't work).

I think the length of commute wherever it is makes a huge difference. I've lived in central London and still had a 40 minute commute to work.

BeattieBow It really does sound like you need a change. It is hard to work out what that change needs to be and how it is going to impact everyone. You might find that a small change has a huge impact on everyones happiness.

For example, if you dropped to three days a week and worked as long as you need to without being time bound in the morning or the evening, you might less stressed than you are now, arriving late one day, sneaking away another day and having the 5:15 deadline on the other days. If you and your DH also agreed to have one day where you were both home and had a family meal together, you might all enjoy that family time.

You need to work out what is important for you all individually and then how each element interacts with the other family members. I would suggest you take time to work out what life would look like under each scenario, the pros and cons, how to minimise and make the most of the bad stuff and take advantage of the good stuff in each scenario.

Can you use your commuting time to good efffect - working, talking to your children, doing something you enjoy?

If you found that dream home in London, with a 30 minute commute to work, access to the private shared garden a la Notting Hill and great local schools that you didn't have to cheat on the entrance exam to get your children into. Could you all be happy? Which bits could you change and still be happy?

To do the school drop off and pick up, have a chat every day, help with homework, tea bath and bed, your hours including commute would have to be from 9:10 till 3 ish. Also, once all your children are in bed, you would still have the tidying, washing etc to do unless you compromise the afternoon time to do that while they are around. How much of this time would you compromise on?

Good luck with your journey and share a few bottles of wine with your DH dreaming of how life could be better then look at the flip sides, weighing up all the options before making your decision!!

Please don't move. Everyone on your family is happy with where they are, it's not fair to move closer to a job under the guise of it being good for the family - they won't see it that way and will undoubtedly resent you. If you were a male breadwinner posting this, no-one would think you were reasonable for wanting to move your family to central London.

You must be spending loads on commuting - with the savings, you may be better off SAHM or working a lower-paid job close by. I'm afraid although it's very noble to keep working a highly paid job in town with a family, it's a choice now whether you prioritise your family or your career. I feel for you - my commute is about 1.5 hrs each way 5 days a week, but I plan to SAHM after my lo pops and when kids are older, take a job close to home.

The crap dilemma of working parents.

Everywhere in London is atleast a 40 minute commute. My office is less than 2 miles away (Wandsworth - Westminster) and unless I run home it takes 40 minutes. My old one in Liverpool St was an hour each way. My point is you will still have to commute two hours a day and only knocking off two is a very heavy price to pay to uproot and move to a small flat with no garden, GPs etc.

I do feel your pain though, my old commute made me horribly miserable

thanks everyone. It is such a dilemma, and I haven't decided yet.

We could afford for me to stop work, but it would require a life style change. Plus I do actually like my job. i want to keep working, feel it is important to me. and also, my dh wants me to keep on working too. There just are no jobs here for me. There are none in my field at all, and very few other (council/university admin) type jobs that everyone is looking for. the option really would be for me to quit work. And as I say, dh doesn't want me to - he does want his cake a bit I feel.

I don't know when I'd be able to go to 3 days a week. I have just recruited new people and need them to start and settled in before I could reduce my hours. It would have negative effect on my career, but I'm ok with that (I am not in a very high powered job - already moved to this job as it is more career friendly).

I should also say that we lived in London until 6 years ago. So I know how it is to work/commute in London. I also feel positive about children being brought up in London. And also (I'm not drip feeding information honest), grandparents, although close here physically, don't see us much, and are extremely unwilling to help out ever. ever. never in fact.

And just to give the other side of the story, I have always missed London since moving out, and would love to move there. I don't dislike where we live now, but it isn't my dream town, and the schools etc aren't fantastic enough to justify me staying here.

Also, we would only be in a small flat for a year, until we have dd1 in the school we want, and then we could move to a medium sized house.

So it really does boil down to the fact they are so happy where they are, and whether I am mean enough to uproot them, or whether I just stay put for their sake. I don't know what would happen if dh got a job in London.

I have 5 children aged from 3-12 by the way. So it isn't just a case of waiting until the eldest leaves secondary school, we are talking about the next 15 years. and I agree with people that I should put them first. it just makes me miserable to think this is it for the next however many years.

mean the job is more family friendly, not career friendly

There is a serious shortage of secondary state school places in London and good ones are very thin on the ground and mainly in suburbia so at least an hour commute. I would think the likelihood is getting a school place in other than a sink school for september must be less than 5%. you need to rent somewhere before putting your daughter on a waiting list. I would not move for that reason.

Dd1 would be in year 6 in September, so we would be applying for the next year.

So you would rent in a good catchment then move out of it after you get a place in the school?

i hope you are not then going to rely on the sibling rule for the rest of your children to get a place as most schools have cottoned on to this ploy and no longer give siblings any priority.

Could you stay in London two nights a week?

You had five children in 11 years and do a double commute.

You should move to Paris - much easier to get a decent lifestyle here!

Sorry, 9 years

Missed the bit of 5 children - you can't move them as you won't be able to find a school that will take all of them in London. You need to think of an alternative - two nights in London sounds like a good idea. More working from home if possible. Could you move 30minutes commute closer to work and still keep them in the same schools - would still save you an hour a day. But you did choose to do this - what has changed, you must have had a massive amount of maternity leave in 9 years.

I stopped working when the third child was about 2 as it was just so hard, but I was in a different job then, and moved out of London. Got this job when it was 2 days a week ( jobshare) which it isn't now. My bosses won't accept another jobshare - it hasn't worked out generally in my company and won.t accept a reduction in hours beyond 4 days (one day at home), but not until the team is settled in.

I seriously think it was a mistake to move out of London, we were happy there, but just squashed, and I'm not sure we fully thought it through properly.

Have though about staying in London 2 nights, but dh wouldn't be home before 7 still, so children still without a parent.

Perhaps I am just a whinger hating the commute so much, and should just suck it up.

Oh have phoned schools already. Problem is you need an address before they'll tell you about places. I have possibly found a school with 2 or 3 places. Also a lot of children move over the summer so we would have to a wait and see, but there is a lot of risk involved.

I think people underestimate the difference between a two hour and a one hour commute - not to mention the cost. It is the difference between leaving the house in darkness and getting home in darkness vs leaving in daylight and getting home in daylight.

Also it's very easy to say "well get another job, why not do waitressing or childminding" because those jobs are not readily available and for every lesser paid job there are currently hundreds of applicants and employers won't even consider applicants who have other skills because they consider them too qualified and unlikely to stick it out. And again salaries outside of london just don't compare.

Op - we are currently in the same position as you except it is my dh who is doing the two hour each way commute and has done so for eleven years.
We live in Swindon now and dh commutes to London with involves cycling from home to the station, a train journey into Paddington and then a tube journey to the office.

Things have been brought to a head because his hours are changing and will mean him having to be in the office at 7 in the morning for one week in every two which, in order to achieve that will mean him having to get up at 4:30 every morning. It's really not sustainable in the long-term.

We had no desire to move to London, instead we are moving to Petts wood in Kent. We will be living within walking distance from the train station, an approx 25 minute journey to London Bridge and from there dh can walk to the office thus cutting out the tube altogether. And the cost is reduced to about 20% of what he currently pays.

In order to move we are taking on a much bigger mortgage as property prices in that area are signifficantly higher, however given the difference in travel costs (approx £8000 from here-london to approx £1400 from Petts wood) financially we won't actually be any worse off, but the difference is that the money we'll be putting into the mortgage will eventually make the house ours whereas feeding it into Great Western's pockets doesn't achieve anything - not even the guarantee of a seat on a train.

No child is ever going to say they want their parents to move. But children are resilliant and ultimately you have to do what is best for everyone. And a house is just a house - you can have one of those anywhere. And the reality is that most children get separated from their friends at secondary school anyway - at this age friendships are interchangeable and they make new friends. When I was nine I moved abroad and was sent to a boarding shcool where I didn't speak the language and had to cope - and I did. That's life.

I do agree however that both partners have to be on board with the idea - railroading your dh into moving will just breed resentment on his part. Have been there as well - when ds was a baby dh wanted to cut the commute and we sold the house, offered on a house in the place we wanted to move to, and it was only once we were going through the process that I had a panic attack at the thought of being stuck in a strange place with a two year old and no friends or family. We backed out of the move and stayed here for another six years. This time it's different - dh is older and not so dependent, I want to go back to work and I genuinely believe there would be more opportunity closer to London than there is here etc.

Of course ds is upset at the thought of moving, but we've also taken him with us to see the new town, have talked of how it's easier to go to London, to the museums etc, how he'll see more of dh and so on. He's a very sociable child and I am certain he will make friends. Of course the idea of moving to a strange place scares me as well and maybe I won't make friends, but ultimately we all have to compromise sometimes and dh has done the commute for long enough now so time to make some changes.

The alternative would have been for dh to take a massive pay cut to get a job here which would mean signifficantly downsizing and ultimately changing schools anyway since we wouldn't have been able to afford to stay in this area, and I couldn't be certain of getting a job to try to support that since there just isn't any work here atm.

So we do what is best for everyone in the long-term.