to uproot my family because I hate the commute so much

[BeattieBow]

(please be a bit gentle - this is my first aibu!)

Anyway, I currently commute to work in London 3-4 times a week. it can take up to 2 hours each way. There is no option to move jobs to the town that I live as I work in a specialist field, and in any case there are no jobs in the town that I live so I couldn't do a career change. I can't cut down my hours (well maybe to 3 days a week, but not less than that. ).

I find it impossible to commute. I have to leave before breakfast and am back between 6-7. I am lucky in that I can leave my job at 5, but still it takes a couple of hours to get home. dh stays in the morning until 8, but he isn't home until after me often in the evenings. Leaving an au pair to do tea/bed/bath. Once a week I skive off work early and am home by 5.15. Once a week I leave late to work and get in at 10.30. although dh is here in the morning with the children, he isn't here for dinner, so we don't have a parent here to help them with homework/talk about school/sort out the house etc. When I first started working, dh said that he would be here twice a week at tea time. That didn't prove possible.

I hate commuting. It leaves me really really tired. I feel that I ought to be here with the children. I want to be here with the children for breakfast and at tea time. My job would allow me to do that if I was living in London too.

dh works closer to home, but is considering moving his job to London too. That would leave us both commuting.

Children are very settled in their schools, with friends etc. We have a biggish house with garden. State schools ok here, but not fantastic. Grandparents here too. dh is saying that I am being selfish uprooting our happy children to live in a tiny flat in central London (we would rent to start with to get in the catchment of a good school - and we could only rent a smallish flat, but this would be for a year). We need to move now because we would be applying for a secondary school place to dd1 in Sept so would need to be there by then.

I really don't feel I could continue commuting long term. and would quite work if I stayed living here. dh says I'm bribing him, but it just isn't sustainable. I still have responsibility for the children, and really feel that I am neglecting them if I'm not here/too tired. I have discussed this with the older children and they don't feel neglected needless to say!

They all love their friends and living here, and I am so scared of making a huge mistake. Then again, I can't see myself doing this forever. Am I being a selfish cow thinking of moving them all?

Sorry about the mammoth post!

There are so many things to think about

You will gain 2hrs x 3 = 6hrs per week. For that you will have:

a) the hassle of moving and new schools
b) the risk of changing schools
c) loss of friends for the dcs and you?
d) Are you going to let out your current house? If so you must add the hassle and expense of being landlady.
e) Grandparents- you will have to visit them on weekends which means some travelling. Plus, no babysitting/emergency support.

You need to weight all the pros and cons.

Oh and if you get rid of the aupair you will go home earlier but you will have tiding-up and cleaning to do. (cleaners and babysitters are minimum £10phr in central london)

There are some lovely mansion flats in London with big communal gardens that you could rent for the transition until you buy somewhere - that way you get some nice outdoor space for the children if your accommodation isn't very large.

2 hours each way, min 3 times a week is more than 6 hours a week. If it's 4 times a week that's 16 hours a week I think?

Given that you can reduce your working week to just three days, I think you'd be mad to uproot everyone for the sake of that. You have more days at home than at work. Either stay put and do the commute, or change jobs/careers so you can work closer to home if you really can't handle the three days. It sounds like you're being a bit unfair to your DH over this, and your DCs don't even sound like they have a problem with the setup. I do sympathise, I did the commute myself at one point, but I think you have too many 'cons' to move.

I am deeply that posters think that a double commute of the length the OP describes is reasonable.

Children do not need to live in a large house with a garden in the same place for their whole childhood. What a ridiculous idea.

It's not currently a double commute though, and likely won't fully become one. At the moment, the OP does 3-4 days, with the possibility to reduce to 3. DH doesn't even commute at the moment. So out of a possible 10 working days between them, only 3-4 are spent on the commute.

You're right though Bonsoir, children don't need to live in a big house with a garden, etc. But they equally don't need to be uprooted because of the OP's situation. It's manageable, and there seem to be better alternatives.

Everyone will see this differently though, I guess.

I wouldn't move. I'd change job.

I think if you decide to stay our DH should agree not to move his job to London. A double commute is impossible, and he has to compromise too.

But she will have some commute in london too (unless she lives next door to her workplace) so you have to deduct that from the hours you gain.

I think both parents do commute if you read carefully. They just don't both work in London atm but her dh does travel and is also not there in the evenings.Agree with bonsoir the type and style and size etc of house really don't matter We all think they do because we have been sold the idea by silly shows over the years of a kitchen where you can watch the kids do homework while you cook with a glass of pinot and a garden to let them run around etc etc. The reality is very different. Days which look like an ad for John Lewis happen very rarely in most families better to get your everyday happiness sorted

"Days which look like an ad for John Lewis happen very rarely in most families better to get your everyday happiness sorted."

LOL noddy! So true.

I have a friend who has a beautiful apartment in the 7th arrondissement. Sadly only the Filipina nanny gets to enjoy it as both parents travel so extensively to pay for it!

Personally, I think YABU. Your kids are happy. Your in-laws are close. Your DH doesn't want to move and neither do your kids. And living in a small flat after being able to afford a house is crazy IMO. Your commute is long, yes. But you aren't getting home that late and you're only working PT. How will you feel if you uproot your family and they're all miserable and blame you?

4 Hours commute a day is OTT. 2 hours commute (an hour each way) is much more do-able, and would give you loads of options to buy a house with a garden in a great school area. It's not central London or nothing.

All those saying you're being selfish haven't got a clue. Children go where their parents go. You're paying for the lovely house they're in working at a job where you don't get to see them that's making you stressed.

If you quit your job, could you afford to stay in the nice house in the nice area near their GPs?

No situation is ideal, I'm not suggesting for a moment it is. But taking the whole family away from somewhere the majority of them is happy will cause resentment and unnecessary upheaval. There are ways around this this don't involve something as drastic as the OP is suggesting. If her DH already feels like she's giving him an ultimatum (or whatever she actually said), I can see this becoming an issue in the future. He will resent being made to move and it will come up in arguments. It's not a huge stretch to think that if the move doesn't turn out to be all sunshine and flowers, it could drive a wedge in there.

Whatever the OP decides to do, it needs to be a family decision, not hers that the whole family just goes along with.

I see what you mean Laquitar, that makes sense, I hadn't factored that in.

I think dcs are adaptable bit weirdly I've had a strange reaction from my Ds to me being around all the time. I've been doing the SAHM thing so school run twice a day at usual school times. He hates it. He misses going to wraparound care and his friends there miss him (even though they see each other all day at school). He can't wait until I return to work!

My commute is 1.75 hours door to door on a good run. One train, two tubes and a 10-15 minute walk. I'd honestly rather not work but at least with the commute I get time to myself, something I never get at home.

Ds will most likely go to weekly boarding school in a couple of years and then I won't have to worry about the daily school run stuff. I'll miss him but I won't miss the time pressure of running to get the train.

She's miserable! If she's paying for the family to stay there by working in a way that makes her unhappy she should shut up and carry on for the next ten years because they're happy?

Sympathetic though I am, uprooting everyone to avoid a commute for you is not fair. Cut back to 3 days a week as you said. Is it possible to do one of those days from home? And DH should not consider moving his job to London.

Threads like this really are an eye-opener. I've always had a daily commute of between 1-2 hours each way, 5 days a week as (when we were together) did my Ex-p. The reality of living in the suburbs and working in/around London, surely. Not sure why a double commute is impossible?

I wouldn't be too bothered in the OP's situation, 3-4 days a week commuting, and being able to come in late/go home early on 2 of those is a lot better than any job I've had!

Still its horses for courses and if the OP does find the commute unmanageable then I'd be looking at alternatives of working flexibly first rather than moving.

I am completely at all the people saying that you should suck it up because everyone else is happy! We've moved all over the place when work has necessitated. If the parents are unhappy, knackered and at odds, it's not in the children's best interests.

'Children do not need to live in a large house with a garden in the same place for their whole childhood. What a ridiculous idea.'

I agree, but that's why I asked how old the children were.
If you have had that scenario for a number of years as a child and enjoyed it, been happy and made friends then have it taken from you because a parent is unhappy, you might feel very resentful.
That may lead to rebellious behaviour or some harsh home truths such as 'Why did you think we'd prefer more of your company mum?' Or 'You only think of yourself anyway, we don't matter'
Of course, if they are small then they have fewer choices in what happens. Children are powerless. My parents made a huge error along these lines when I was a teenager, and as a consequence I ran wild for 5 years and there was very little they could do about it because I didn't care. Not about their feelings, their embarrassment or their ambitions. I figured they hadn't thought about me, so why should I be worried about them.
Of course it could all work out well for you OP, and your children may well adore London and its many activities, diversions and excitements. They may rise to the challenge of changes and new schools, and be happy.

No Narky, but the solution should be change something about her situation, rather than everyone else's to fit hers. It just doesn't seem fair to fit everyone around her.

Have been in OPs position (still do the commute but DCs now at university). I've also done a move (relocation) and from my experience think it is much better to put up with commuting than move, which can seriously affect older children. Is there any way you can reduce the number of days you commute?

I am agreeing with NarkyPuffin, have to say. Kids are very adaptable, and if anything it will do them good to live in different environments - I moved around loads when I was a kid, I think it was good for me.

I feel sorry for the OP, she is obviously having a hard time.

People have all sorts of arrangements Hatesponge. It's what works for them. It's not working for the OP though. I know a couple who work fulltime in the city. Their children have gone into nursery from 12 weeks. They're dropped off at 7 and picked up at 6 - by a sitter, who puts them to bed and stays until 8-9 when the parents come home. They love this arrangement. I wouldn't. It matters that the OP finds her work situation untenable.