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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to feel friend has taken advantage ?

93 replies

ikilledBosco · 23/04/2011 16:15

My sister & i have organised & paid for a family members birthday meal (26) people in a fancy restaurant . My BF was invited along but i explained that her meal would be paid for & we (Sis & I) would be buying the first round of drinks for everyone at the start of the meal and after that she would have to buy her own drinks , (i know this sounds terrible but said friend has form of forgetting her purse on such events in the past , almost every time leaving my DH to buy all her drinks for the evening ) Anyway the meal was lovely but once again my friend kept ordering drinks (vodka & Coke which she just decided to start drinking on the day for a change she normally drinks Lager ) and asking for them to be put on the bill ( there was 5 Vodkas put on the bill by the end of the evening) . My Sister gave me a couple of Hmm looks but i didn't want to ruin the evening by pulling my friend up in front of the other guests . Should i have said something ? TIA

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfTheNight · 23/04/2011 19:21

So what you are saying, is that if you tell her to stop taking advantage of you and the group of friends, and to pay her own way - she will become confrontational and fall out with you and therefore you are afraid to tell her that her behaviour is unacceptable because you fear her reaction and you would rather continue to allow her to walk all over you?

And this is the good person who is your very good friend and ever so nice really?

microfight · 23/04/2011 19:30

We have all had (past tense) 'friends' like this. I had a situation where the girl i lived with did this kind of thing all the time. I even tried to go to the loo in order that she would actually buy a round of drinks, but somehow I still ended up paying.
Years later i have come to the conclusion that these types are so oblivious to their tight tendencies that they almost do it without realising. You could shout in their faces the reality but they would probably think you were being confrontational.

I tend to only bother with friends/family who don't have this paying amnesia.

Original poster
ikilledBosco · 23/04/2011 19:40

I know for a fact (through past experience unfortunately ) if i had mentioned it during the meal she would have caused a scene . which would have ruined the evening for everyone . I really thought the fact that i had made a point in telling her she would have to buy her own drinks would have made a difference.

OP posts:
upahill · 23/04/2011 19:44

I take it then that you haven't done my suggestion of sending a text saying that you need the cash and you will come and get it soon then!

You have had loads of advice but you haven't said what you are actually going to do.

pink4ever · 23/04/2011 19:46

So what if she cause a scene? would have ruined the evening for her surely(by making a tit of herself) but wouldnt have ruined the meal for me!. Sorry but you are rapidly losing my sympathy here. I understand some people dont like conflict but you dont have to be confrontational about it-just ask her calmly to reemburse you for the price of the drinks.Smile.End off. BTW she is not your friend!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/04/2011 19:46

Well OP, now you know better. You're applying your rules to your friend based on how you would behave... and it hasn't worked. You're going to have to be more direct - or just accept it.

CrispyTheCrisp · 23/04/2011 19:50

I used to have a 'friend' like this who would never buy a round, she used to think that because her DP had bought one she didn't have to Hmm. In the end we used to do a kitty on every night out, just to get her to fork out her fair share of the drinks. Not nice to have to do, but it was the only way.

suburbophobe · 23/04/2011 19:50

I don,t think types like this are oblivious, they are calculating (even if not admitting it to themselves), and yes, they latch on to people with who they can get away with it!

Why are you letting her walk all over you? She sounds horribly self-centered and frankly, not a friend at all!! More like a leech who will suck you dry!

You sound like a lovely generous person and you need to get free-loaders like her out of your life!
She gets confrontational if you call her up on stuff like that? Oh purleaze!
You don't owe her a living!

skybluepearl · 23/04/2011 20:05

is she going against you to make a point?

pigletmania · 23/04/2011 22:10

If she freeloads and takes the p she is not a nice person, none if my good friends would do that. That would really put me off a person, sorry it would. She takes advantage because she knows that she can, have some gumption. Don't invite her again to things, mabey she will get the message

discobeaver · 23/04/2011 22:10

If you knew someone who had a partner who acted this way, you would no doubt consider that person to be a fool to stay with someone who treated them so badly.
Cause a scene because she is asked to pay her own way? Why would you put up with this?

Your friend sounds at best a grasping mare with no respect for you.

ginmakesitallok · 23/04/2011 22:14

Just send her a text along the lines of "just sorting out the bill from the other night, you owe me £x for hte 5 vodkas xxx"

upahill · 23/04/2011 22:25

Ginmakesitallok That's what i said at 16.34 today and OP hasn't as yet!!!

ohmyfucksy · 23/04/2011 22:27

She sounds like a dick. Not 'lovely' at all - who would make a scene at a birthday party because they were asked to pay for their own drinks??

People like this are deliberate freeloaders, and they tag on to people who they know are too polite to make a fuss.

TartyMcFarty · 23/04/2011 22:31

Go on OP, text her. Just do it very politely and you can judge her niceness, or not, by the reaction.

LadyLapsang · 23/04/2011 22:36

Well I think you absolutely did the right thing not making a scene at the birthday meal. You sound very reasonable, paying for the food and the drink for the toast which is certainly generous and you were clear with her what to expect. Personally I would not ask her for the money for the drinks, I would just pay. Then if you want to maintain the friendship maybe do it over a coffee.

rockinhippy · 23/04/2011 22:42

all I can say is - that with friends like that, who needs enemies Shock she is a piss taking free loader taking advantage of your good nature & lack of balls -

stand up for yourself & tell her/text her the balance she owes, she KNOWS she owes you, but isn't going to offer until you demand, lets just see how nice she really is when you finally find a back bone & put a stop to her freeloading piss taking anticsHmm

you arein part to blame for being weak, but NICE people DON"T take advantage of weaker friends - she's a bitch - find yourself some new friends - ones who actually respect you - this one certainly doesn'tHmm

textfan · 23/04/2011 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

textfan · 23/04/2011 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChocolateEggyrolls · 23/04/2011 22:49

If I were you I would phone up and tell her she owes your sister x for the drinks as she paid for them at the time but fully expects to be reimbursed.

MadamDeathstare · 23/04/2011 22:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HipHopOpotomus · 24/04/2011 06:50

So you knew in advance that she wld charge the drinks, she did, while you sat next to her and you had several opps to say "your drinks come to £x". She is a "lovely person in every way" - bet she thinks you are even "lovelier".

So what did everyone else drink and how did they pay? Did they all pay cash or have sep tabs? Yet your "BF" put them on your bill?

Guess what OP, whatever you may think this person is NOT your best friend behaving like this.

iscream · 24/04/2011 07:40

Would you consider arranging to see her, go for a coffee or something, and bring this up? Ask her point blank why she did not pay for her own drinks. Ask her! Tell her people are beginning to make comments, and she is gaining a reputation. (but don't name anyone.)

Let her know it isn't very flattering of an image she is giving herself. Sly, cheap and rude. Tell her she should not only pay for her own drinks, but pay a round when out with a group where everyone is buying rounds.

If her problem is she doesn't have spare money for drinks, she should be honest and say so, you are her friends after all. Nothing wrong with refusing an invitation due to being broke. You say she is a good friend whom you care about, so you would be doing her a favour.

Good luck.

iscream · 24/04/2011 07:43

Or else this approach, direct and to the point. Probably much easier to say than what I posted above.

ginmakesitallok Sat 23-Apr-11 22:14:00

Just send her a text along the lines of "just sorting out the bill from the other night, you owe me £x for hte 5 vodkas xxx"

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 24/04/2011 08:03

She knew exactly what she was doing, you spoke to her when invited, just before the meal and the pudding thing Shock plus you were scared to say anything because she would cause a scene? Does she have as much money as you? Does she have a dp?

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