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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel friend has taken advantage ?

93 replies

ikilledBosco · 23/04/2011 16:15

My sister & i have organised & paid for a family members birthday meal (26) people in a fancy restaurant . My BF was invited along but i explained that her meal would be paid for & we (Sis & I) would be buying the first round of drinks for everyone at the start of the meal and after that she would have to buy her own drinks , (i know this sounds terrible but said friend has form of forgetting her purse on such events in the past , almost every time leaving my DH to buy all her drinks for the evening ) Anyway the meal was lovely but once again my friend kept ordering drinks (vodka & Coke which she just decided to start drinking on the day for a change she normally drinks Lager ) and asking for them to be put on the bill ( there was 5 Vodkas put on the bill by the end of the evening) . My Sister gave me a couple of Hmm looks but i didn't want to ruin the evening by pulling my friend up in front of the other guests . Should i have said something ? TIA

OP posts:
pink4ever · 23/04/2011 16:52

dont believe a word of this after the "pavlova" comment.

Prunnhilda · 23/04/2011 16:53

"She is lovely in every other way."

People say this or a variation of it SO OFTEN. People ARE lovely, they are very nice generally when they want to be, they can be great fun, a brilliant laugh etc - that is what being human is, we all try to get along in our little groups with the least amount of hassle.

It doesn't stop people also being pisstakers! Or manipulative or narcissistic or selfish or abusive and it doesn't stop them downright lying just because they also happen to be good for a night out or kind to their mums or whatever.

(Just getting that off my chest, not so much to do with the OP really Blush)

Original poster
ikilledBosco · 23/04/2011 16:54

I am not a troll pink , i just name changed as my friends knows my regular name on here .
Nice ham
Cod
Riven
I've been here for 3 years now .

OP posts:
controlpantsandgladrags · 23/04/2011 16:57

This woman really isn't your friend. She clearly takes advantage of your generous nature and has learned that you don't have the balls to contradict her. Make her pay up and I bet she distances herself from you. You deserve to be treated better than that.

FurCoatNoMiniEggs · 23/04/2011 16:59

Greedy cow! She's your 'best' friend? Really?

plupedantic · 23/04/2011 17:00

Well, you've taken a few baby steps by telling her no about the desserts, and she didn't kill you or cause a scene (the only things to be frightened of, right?), so you can take heart from that, and take some of the excellent suggestions further up this thread, about getting the money back from her now. If she doesn't pay, no more invitations.

Original poster
ikilledBosco · 23/04/2011 17:00

The thing is though she was very generous with my mums present . Maybe she felt she was therefore entitled to order these drinks on the bill

OP posts:
shandyleer · 23/04/2011 17:01

I could never do that to someone I considered a friend.

TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 17:02

She was invited to a birthday party, she bought a present along. There should be no expectations beyond having her meal paid for. Besides, you specifically said the drinks weren't being paid for. Your friend is not a friend, she is a leach.

Bohica · 23/04/2011 17:09

It does sound like she is taking advantage of you.
Will you text/speak to her or let it go again

FurCoatNoMiniEggs · 23/04/2011 17:11

If you've been invited to something like this and been told (more than once) what's included, most people would go out of their way to make sure they didn't take advantage as it would be embarrassing... some people however have no moral barometer whatsoever!
Do ask for money back

KaraStarbuckThrace · 23/04/2011 17:11

Shock - she was getting a free meal, ffs!! How much she spent on the present doesn't even enter into it! You don't buy a present for someone and expect the equivalent back!

I guess after 5 vodka and cokes she was well into her cups hence asking for the pavlova...

You need to reimburse your sister though I bet she is seriously pissed off that you didn't ask for the drinks money there and then.

Original poster
ikilledBosco · 23/04/2011 17:14

She is a good friend otherwise , and she pays her own way if we go out for a drink just the two of us but whenever my DH is coming along or we go out with a group of other people she forgets her purse or else just sits there waiting on everyone else to offer her drinks and never buys a drink back . It's not a huge problem its just grating on my nerves this time especially as i had forewarned her of the way the meal was going to go .

OP posts:
valiumbandwitch · 23/04/2011 17:18

i'd be morto to behave like her!!

but it's tricky. very hard to ask for money without looking like The Mean One which is so unfair!! needs to be carefully done.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 23/04/2011 17:19

So she expects a group of people to buy her drinks?

Well, you may not think that's a problem but I bet at least some of them disagree!

Look, if you truly love your friend, you should sit her down and tell her that dodging out of paying her way in a group pisses people off.

If you can't tell her straight, then how good a friendship do you have, really?

valiumbandwitch · 23/04/2011 17:19

ps, I wouldn't say she isn't your friend. Perhaps she does really love you and your sister but thinks that you can afford it, which is NO excuse, but I wouldn't deduce that she thinks badly of YOU because of her bad behaviour.

Original poster
ikilledBosco · 23/04/2011 17:28

Yes hecate some other friends of ours are getting really fed up & i don't blame them if i'm honest but i don't think its worth falling out over , so i guess i either say something to her ( she can be very confrontational and i am not )
or let it go again and stop inviting her out Sad

karastarbuckthrace i did offer to reimburse my sister as i said in my 16.24 post . I felt very awkward about it .

OP posts:
Xales · 23/04/2011 17:35

Do you think if you confronted her and she got angry and decided you were no longer friends that she was your friend in the first place?

Or you sort it out like adults.

kw1986 · 23/04/2011 17:36

She's a leach. Get rid. And what seems like a frequent act of forgetting her purse is pathetic! Forgot it my arse!

GiddyPickle · 23/04/2011 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhereYouLeftIt · 23/04/2011 17:37

OP, how much does she owe you for the FIVE drinks?

GypsyMoth · 23/04/2011 17:41

hmmm,not bothering to pay her way and allowing others to put themselves out= no good friend to me!!

she knows you'll pay

cat64 · 23/04/2011 17:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

jojowest · 23/04/2011 18:02

if you act like a doormat, people walk over you

and you must enjoy letting her do it :)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 23/04/2011 19:16

I know you say that she's a good friend, OP, but forget the present she bought for your Mum - she was obviously close enough to the family to be invited in the first place - and the present doesn't negate her not paying her way.

The dessert issue, the drinks... she knows the rules, she just doesn't want to abide by them. You might think she's a good friend, she's not being one though.

I'd hesitate to call you a doormat but you're walking and talking like one... can you not be straight with this woman if you say that she's a good friend? Put it this way, were the situation reversed, would it end a friendship from your side if your friend called you on this identical behaviour?

What happens on the next occasion? Your Sis has to pay again? Can't you just ask for the money for the drinks in a matter of fact way, making the assumption that of course she would pay for them?

You'll only have to put her straight once, a couple of minutes of awkwardness and everybody will know where they stand.

There's a saying that I'm remembering reading your post: Fool me once, shame on you - fool me twice, shame on me.

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