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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have some things that just belong to me and not for the use of whole family

68 replies

lawstudentmum · 23/04/2011 14:00

This is a moan - I know that ! but...is it unreasonable to have some things in the house that just belong to me.

I'll give examples - my laptop - should this be for just my use - or is it alright that my dd goes on facebook on it, when she see's that it is on - I am a student and I work at the kitchen table - so often laptop is on, when I do a quick chore in between working, I'll come back and she is on it.

Make-up / bath stuff - When I go to put bath bubbles in - all gone !

Food - I'm on a diet - so why is it that my diet food gets eaten first, and not be me ! Suddenly no one fancies the other stuff in the fridge.

Is this being selfish and should I just share whats mine? Or...should I have a right to somethings - everyone else in this house have their own stuff and I don't use it. Oh yes last one - Mobile phone - when dd's run out of credit, find them ringing on mine.

OP posts:

MoonGirl1981 · 23/04/2011 14:03

Nope. You're a person, you have your own stuff.

Sounds sensible to have your own things.

DontGoCurly · 23/04/2011 14:05

Joey doesn't share food!

No, yadnbu!

Get a password on your laptop screensaver! Hide the bath goodies.

The food is more difficult.....CCTV cameras?

nomoreheels · 23/04/2011 14:06

Of course some things should be yours alone! Phone - they need to learn to live within their minutes allowance etc. So put a pin/password on it. Laptop - if there's another family computer they shouldn't need yours - so password protect it at the screensaver state.

Food is tougher. You'll have to come up with better hiding spots or something lockable!

TidyDancer · 23/04/2011 14:06

I think on everything but the food and bath stuff, YANBU. But that's only if you've made it clear those other things are for your exclusive use only.

Meow75 · 23/04/2011 14:08

I think if they want to have their own stuff, then they have to respect your right to have your own stuff too.

I presume that the laptop you speak of is not the only computer in the house, or if it is, amybe you could set some times when - even if you are not sat AT THE COMPUTER - it is out of bounds to anyone else but yourself.

Is it just you and the kids? If so, and I don't wish to be patronising here, but please remind your offspring that it is your house, your money buys all the stuff that they have (barring anything that they buy with any wages they get from their own job), and thus it is YOU who should have first refusal on anything - food, resources, anything.

Is it possible for your to put a passcode on your phone, so that you have to put in a 4 digit code to be able to use it. PITA, I know, but perhaps until everyone gets the idea that your stuff is NOT our stuff.

Good luck with this, I hope you can challenge it without ruffling too many feathers in your household, and still end up with a better situation.

nomoreheels · 23/04/2011 14:10

Re: bath goodies & make up... If it's got to the point where you don't trust things not to disappear even with a hiding spot, you may have to find something to lock those up with as well. My mum used to lock her bedroom door when me & my sisters hit the thieving magpie teen stage, and I imagine i'll do the same!

Original poster

lawstudentmum · 23/04/2011 14:11

I think you are right - It is not like I am asking to keep much for myself - so I am going down the lines of not selfish.

It is like me going into my dd's room and using her stuff - which I don't. But is it not teaching children not to share?

Don't get me wrong - I don't mind sharing some things - but sometimes you just want something for yourself. That includes a private life - my own private life - now that would be something - only private life I have is mn - but even that I keep finding people looking over my shoulder at the screen and asking - what's that then?

OP posts:

cyb · 23/04/2011 14:12

The rechargeable batteries ARE MINE

Woe Betide anyone who gets those out of the box without my explicit say so

Original poster

lawstudentmum · 23/04/2011 14:16

and no Meow75 this is not the only computer in the house - all have their own laptops.

Maybe it is about boundries - not getting to the this is mine and this is yours - just to be asked would be a start.

Think it started at a young age with dd, when I let her play with stuff that was mine - and also sharing everything with her - you know, when you get a box of chocs for your birthday that it was a free for all eating them - not waiting for me to say that they could have one.

OP posts:

Meow75 · 23/04/2011 14:18

lawstudentmum, you say "But is it not teaching children not to share?"

But don't children ALSO need to learn that everyone has a right to know that they OWN some things unequivocally, and that no-one else has a right to use them or even touch them without explicit permission.

I would also have the expectation that just because I allow (royal) you to borrow something from me doesn't guarantee that I will allow (royal) you to borrow it the next time (royal) you want to use it, even if I am not using it at that time. And that is how life works - something that I find the teens that I teach find impossible to understand. They seem to think that the question "Can I borrow that?" should automatically grant them permission; I would argue otherwise!!

nomoreheels · 23/04/2011 14:20

The thing is, I think a lot of kids/teens go through a stage of "I want" without the maturity to know what's reasonable yet. So unfortunately you have to get tough to protect your important stuff until they learn and/or grow out of it. Sharing can be a hard thing to learn properly, and goes hand in hand with knowing the value of money. I consider myself a very polite & considerate person now but I was pretty cheeky as a teen - and I can see it weasel for the best that my mum got tough.

You are doing them a favour - if they pulled this sort of thing on, say, future housemates at uni etc they will end up with bad reps & very angry friends!

valiumbandwitch · 23/04/2011 14:21

yanbu, but my children would think so, clearly. I feel like I can have nothing. Even if it's of no apparent interest to them, if it's mine and important (ie papers, documents) they will drag a chair accross a room to have a look at it.

Original poster

lawstudentmum · 23/04/2011 14:22

Very good point - Meow75 - I had not thought of it in that way ! And you are so right about the borrow thing - I am going to test it today ! will let you know how it goes - changes are going to take place !!

OP posts:

Meow75 · 23/04/2011 14:26

Best of luck.

We'll be here with later should you need it!!! What I am I saying - it's a BH Saturday, of course you'll need it!!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 14:26

Nomoreheels you were so disrespectful that your Mother had to lock her stuff away and you will do the same. Honestly, I'm shocked.

LawStudentMum YANBU not at all, to want your own things. The problem seems to be is that it's not how you have brought them up! Of course they're old enough to be told things are changing ... but I think you will have to really spell it out what you expect. Don't be afraid of being clear and of not teaching them to share - there are always opportunities to continue to teach sharing, this does not mean everything needs to be shared! Just be clear, tell them it is YOUR laptop and it's for YOUR use exclusively, they have their own, same with the phone, makeup, bathroom products. Say it, mean it.

Original poster

lawstudentmum · 23/04/2011 14:31

Ok guys - will do thanks - you know what - you have all been really helpful thanks - and you have cheered me up !! was in foul mood an hour ago - chilling out abit now !!

Let you all know how it is going tonight!

OP posts:

upahill · 23/04/2011 14:32

Blimey we all should have boundaries.
No one is allowed on my lap top. DH bought me one the other months for my music/photos etc. Nobody would dare touch it.

On very very rare occasions I have allowed my DS to go on my bike (He most certainly not use it once I've saved up £3,570 for my next one though!!! )

That said I have rung DS1 who is 14 up when he is out with his friends to see if I can borrow his tool kit or torch. I hate people taking my stuff without asking so I wouldn't do it to anyone else.

Food is not an issue in this house except for the Hallumi. That is supposed to be mine but I often get home to find DS1 has roasted it (grrr!)

zipzap · 23/04/2011 14:35

Make it a repeat street - they take your best stuff, they need to find their favourite things going . Even if only into a binnag at the bottom of your wardrobe to reappear at your discretion.

Sometimes lessons are best learnt by experience in conjunction with hearing...

Original poster

lawstudentmum · 23/04/2011 14:37

It was so funny - I had just logged off then to get on with some work and my dd came and sat down at the table to tell me she is going out now with her friends - whilst talking she saw envelope opened on table - she looked in to it - pulled out the letter inside and said ohh interesting what is it - What it is, is mine !!!

I pointed out the envelope was addressed to me - "God, what has put you in such a bad mood !!" as she left the table and went out !!

This is going to be a long journey - this having some things for myself !!

OP posts:

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 14:57

Yes - clearly you need some boundaries :)

It sounds like you are on your own with them? I think the boundaries are often different between single parents and their children (or between the parents and a single child) - I think it's more you don't have the 'we' are the adults and 'you' are the children when there's only one person in either of the categories. Does that make any sense? LOL

Anyway, yes, time to have a bit of a chat!!

TotemPole · 23/04/2011 15:01

Food - I'm on a diet - so why is it that my diet food gets eaten first, and not be me ! Suddenly no one fancies the other stuff in the fridge.

Stop buying the other food and just buy diet stuff for everyone. If anyone complains just point how much they like it.

nomoreheels · 23/04/2011 15:11

Got your judgeypants hooked waaaay up Chipping I see! If you have kids, they are all angels I suppose?

I was the eldest of 3 girls. None of us were monsters, we all did well at school & were good in lots of ways. Unfortunately we also thought we had a right to raid my mum's wardrobe, perfume etc. She disagreed and she chose to lock her bedroom until we grew out of it. (We borrowed each other's stuff instead & started various wars in the house...as sisters do.)

I know what teens can be like. I have friends now who are tearing their hair out over their teens due to missing pricey cosmetics, clothing & sometimes even cash. These are teens who are not bad kids as such, (although taking money is bad, but it often can be down to peer pressure & dealing desperate to fit in) they're just hitting the selfish stage. If my DD starts to do that, (and that's a loooong way off as she's not due til June!) of course I will try to reason with her & try to lead by example. Unfortunately hormones & immaturity may prevail so I will not feel bad in the slightest if I have to lock stuff away for a while to keep it safe. We'll see what happens.

TotallyUtterlyDesperate · 23/04/2011 15:14

Does your DD keep a diary? You could point out to her that, using her logic of what's yours is hers, that also means that what's hers is yours and you could read her diary every day if you wanted to - or even write in it yourself! Same goes for opening any letter/card that comes addressed to her. Writing on her FB page etc.

That might get the message across.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 15:18

nomoreheels

we also thought we had a right to raid my mum's wardrobe, perfume etc. She disagreed and she chose to lock her bedroom until we grew out of it

Call it judgey, whatever you like - I find that statement and your earlier one shocking. Complete lack of respect for your Mum. I may not have been the perfect child, but my parents never needed to LOCK anything.

empirestateofmind · 23/04/2011 15:18

Food- I hide a few of my favourite yoghurts in the vegetable drawer in the fridge otherwise the DCs eat the lot before I see one. Hide stuff or put your initials on so they know it is yours. Or do what Totem suggests- don't buy anything else.

Laptop- if you don't want anyone using it password protect it. Everyone in our house has a laptop but if one is lying around and charged it might get used by someone else if there is no password. DD1 doesn't like hers being used so password protects it- which is no problem. I am not bothered so there is no password on mine.

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