Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

To have some things that just belong to me and not for the use of whole family

68 replies

lawstudentmum · 23/04/2011 14:00

This is a moan - I know that ! but...is it unreasonable to have some things in the house that just belong to me.

I'll give examples - my laptop - should this be for just my use - or is it alright that my dd goes on facebook on it, when she see's that it is on - I am a student and I work at the kitchen table - so often laptop is on, when I do a quick chore in between working, I'll come back and she is on it.

Make-up / bath stuff - When I go to put bath bubbles in - all gone !

Food - I'm on a diet - so why is it that my diet food gets eaten first, and not be me ! Suddenly no one fancies the other stuff in the fridge.

Is this being selfish and should I just share whats mine? Or...should I have a right to somethings - everyone else in this house have their own stuff and I don't use it. Oh yes last one - Mobile phone - when dd's run out of credit, find them ringing on mine.

OP posts:

fuzzywuzzy · 23/04/2011 15:19

Actually I think this is typical teenaged behaviour.

I used to work with a teenager, and when her parents were away she'd rock up to work in the most lovely outfits, whenever I complimented her on them she'd answer 'oh they're my mums...', it would be clothes, shoes, makeup, everything, and she'd use them so badly that they would be unwearable when she had done with them, she broke and mishaped so many gorgeous shoes etc.

I was always utterly flabbergasted that she appeared to have no concern for her mothers privacy, as she most certainly would not have tolerated the same from her mother!

The girl was from a family where both her parents were still happily married and very much in love, so nothing to do with single parent thing!

I actually quite pointedly tell my girls that some things are mine, and they do not touch or play with my stuff, just as I do not touch or play with theirs, my girls are quite young but they're getting the hang of it.

YANBU at all IMO

empirestateofmind · 23/04/2011 15:24

Good grief nomoreheels, your poor mother.

My girls share clothes with each other but neither would even go in my room without asking.

valiumbandwitch · 23/04/2011 15:28

fuzzywuzzy, who said that plundering mother's possessions was a 'single parent thing'? I missed that? Of course it's not. How could it be.

Does every character flaw get attributed to coming from a single parent family?

nomoreheels · 23/04/2011 15:29

Chipping, you are focusing on that point alone which is very short sighted of you. And ignoring my further explanations/comments as well.

The OP herself is saying that her DD is doing pretty much the same thing, so how were we any different - or any different to the other examples on this thread of kids taking/using stuff? It's just how my mother chose to deal with it, just as the OP is working out what she is going to do.

Why you are singling me out, I have no idea.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 15:35

Right - I just want to get one thing very clear before this zooms off on a tangent! I did NOT say it was because she was a single parent what I said was, that I have found that single parents AND parents with a single (as in an only) child seem to have quite different relationships than when there are two parents AND two or more children. I think it's because when there is a single (be it the parent or the child) that 'single' gets more included in the other 'group' whereas when there are two (or more) in each group there is more of a division between the 'groups'. It is an observation made over many years and viewing many families. It is not a 'judgement' on either situation.

pippop1 · 23/04/2011 15:36

Post-It notes on the food. Says "do not eat this". Sometimes I buy posher ingredients for a dinner party and don't want anyone to eat them. If they do they have to go out and buy them again for me.

valiumbandwitch · 23/04/2011 15:37

oh I see what you mean I think, except that I have two children and there's one of me, so I feel like they (the children) are the group. I guard my stuff with my life. I have to. They drive me mad.

fuzzywuzzy · 23/04/2011 15:38

Valium it was Chipping who mentioned at 14:57:06, that perhaps it was a single parent boundary issue.

I don't think it is.

I hope it isn't, otherwise I'm gonna be nekkid by the time my girls hit their teens

valiumbandwitch · 23/04/2011 15:39

yeah, I thought that you were quoting somebody and I'd read the thread but couldn't see it.

Anyway, we're all good now I think

blackeyedsusan · 23/04/2011 15:39

one way to cure them, one day when they are both at home in their bedrooms, waltz in, open their wardrobes take out their favourite top and put it on, over to the dressing table and help yourself to their makeup, pinch their mobile and send txts to mates and waltz out without saying a word. repeat in dd2's rroom... any complaints, just say as you have to share your stuff you are sharing theirs..

should get the message across. [bugrin]

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 15:47

nomoreheels - I only said I found it shocking that your mother had to LOCK her room to keep you out of it. Sorry, I didn't realise you were imune from comment?? If you don't want people to comment, it might be better not to post personal stuff on a chat board that you are sensitive about

The OP is going to discuss boundaries with her DC's - quite different to having to lock them out of her room because they wont listen to her!

Oh and as an aside - I have no idea if the OP is a lone parent or not, it was simply an observation about life & relationships and that actually I think if there is a 'lone' child or adult in a family group, they seem to be closer and have a slightly more 'equals' relationship.

Ephiny · 23/04/2011 15:49

YANBU at all, especially about the laptop and phone, I would be furious if anyone touched mine without asking. You just don't do that. Using up your phone credit without permission is just the same as stealing money from your purse IMO.

About the food and the bath stuff, I guess if would be reasonable for your kids to assume things in the kitchen/bathroom are for communal use unless you say otherwise... though presumably you have explained and made sure they have sufficient stuff of their own.

Sounds like they need to learn some manners and boundaries quick, or they're going to have big problems as soon as they start living with flatmates or partners.

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 15:52

Valium - yes, the 'single' can be the parent or the child.

Fuzzy - do you see what I mean now? Hopefully they'll leave you enough clothes to protect your modesty!! maybe that's why generations ago parents wore clothes that were horrible very different to the 'youth'??

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 15:54

I actually don't think it works like that (not respecting other peoples' boundaries) I think children/teenagers can just tend to see Mum as Mum and not a 'person' what's hers is mine and what's mine is mine whereas other people are different.

I just think for your own sanity you need to set them straight!!

fuzzywuzzy · 23/04/2011 15:57

This is going off the subject a bit, but my youngest told me last week she had tried on all my shoes....the child is six! My eldest then informed me (in all seriousness) 'You know when you die mummy, we'll be very sad....but don't worry, we've already shared your shoes, we wont fight about it...'

My eldest is just eight, I'm 33 and not looking to die any time soon.........

upahill · 23/04/2011 16:04

I'm not sure I agree Chippingin.

We have loads of work stuff in our house and I have a lot of expensive kit. The kids have known from an early age that they can't take or use certain stuff or if they need to use some tools they have to ask.

One asked this afternoon if he could use my bike computer as he is off on a bike ride, as it has cost over £400 I have said no.

Last weekend he asked if he could use my Terra Nova tent. Again that was refused but I allowed him to use one of my older, cheaper ones.

The only thing I have any problems with (apart from Hallumi as I mentioned before as well at the occasional packet of tofu!) is with my expensive shower gels and shampoos. We buy DS1 Original Source and DS2 gets FCUK but DS1 still has to 'borrow' mine. I go nuts at that because he goes into some sort of timeslip once he enters the shower and at one point was getting through a bottle of lemon O S once every third day. Once he was threatened with Tesco Value shampoo things have gone back to normal with the occasional slip!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 16:34

Fuzzy - always nice to know you'll be missed Cheeky little monkies!!

Upahill - are you a single parent? Are you saying you aren't closer to your DC as a single parent than you think you would be if you were part of a couple? All I was saying was, I think it changes the dynamics of the relationships when either the parent or the child is a 'single' unit and that often the boundaries are different and quite often there is more of an 'equals' relationship (especially if you don't and never have had expensive kit!! ) I just think you share differently when the dynamic is different. (still not sure I'm explaining myself very well?!).

A bottle of OS every third day, blimey - I don't know about threatening Tesco Value I think I'd be threatening one of the 25 litres for a fiver kind! He would fit in well with the people on the 'stealing the shower gel' thread, some of them said they'd use most of a 25ml shower gel in a weekend - I was . I shower twice pretty much every day, more sometimes, I'm not at all scroogy with the shower gel and it still lasts ages! What are they doing with it??

upahill · 23/04/2011 16:38

Chipping No I'm not a single parent! As for DS he showers 3 times a day. When he gets up, when he gets home from school and then before he goes to bed. Some days it is more than that! If he goes to work with his dad on a Saturday morning he will shower before and after, then go BMXing, then shower and so on. That's why gets through so much stuff!

He makes up for all the times DS2 DOESN'T!!!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 23/04/2011 16:44

OK a little confused what you were saying you disagreed with?!

LOL - just wait until DS2's at it as well - you may have to take out shares in a shower gel company

I have some lovely Hallumi in the fridge if you fancy some with a glass of wine... rocket, cherry tomatoes, balsamic - grilled haloumi.... tempting yet?

Right - absolutely, definitely off to B&Q

PurpleLostPrincess · 23/04/2011 16:45

YANBU - DS is almost 17, DD1 is 12 and DD2 is 3. DH and I are meant to be grown ups. Each of us have our own shelf in the bathroom and have been explicitly told which is their own stuff.

As far as food goes, if it's in the cupboard, it's fair game, unless it's for school lunches. If I have bought something for myself, it's my responsibility to hide it somewhere, usually by my side of the bed. Woe bedite anybody who dares touch it there, they've never attempted to find out the consequences. In fact, they all know what is mine and what they can and can't touch!!

As far as the laptop goes, mine is purple, they have their own and again they wouldn't dare go on mine or somebody elses without asking, it's just common sense/courteous to ask!!

I can see what you're saying about the dynamics of singular parents and/or children - as an only child with 2 parents though, it was always taught to me to ask before touching or using somebody elses stuff. Likewise, if there was a packet of something unopened in the cupboard, I was taught to always check before opening it in case it was bought for a particular reason.

SkinittingFluffyBunnyBonnets · 23/04/2011 16:52

yanbu...anyone in our house who wants to use my laptop, bike, bath stuff has to ask!

textfan · 23/04/2011 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

lawstudentmum · 23/04/2011 17:05

So...you lot have been busy whilst I have been away !!

I was a single parent for 11 years and then I got married 1 year ago - but my dh had been living with us for 3 years. He doesn't have children and he came to live in our house...

and yes, I believe that if he had been here from the start dd my not take as much of my stuff - but I don't think it is a single parents issue thing - it is a boundary issue thing - which I think that came about because I let dd become used to treating ALL stuff in the house as ours and not some of it belonging to me.

OP posts:

beanlet · 23/04/2011 17:07

When I was growing up, certain food in the fridge was completely off limits - Mummy's grapes and Mummy's avocado. If we touched them she would go ballistic.

Basically, Mum always restricted her diet and never ate biscuits or other crap that she allowed us (in moderation ). Grapes and avocado were her treats, and woe betide anyone who touched them! Definitely taught us to respect boundaries.

She also always hid what was called Daddy's chocolate (Dad was dead scary) but she would sometimes bring it out in the evening and we could all have a piece. Weirdly I never found the hiding place.

mathanxiety · 23/04/2011 17:26

I have always made it clear that I have things that nobody may touch and the DCs have respected that, not sure why. I have also impressed upon them that they may not touch each other's things under any circumstances, or the stuff of others in their houses when they visit. Tis only courteous and a mark of respect after all imo.

My makeup, perfume, clothes, shoes, jewellery, phone, etc have never been touched without my permission -- the DDs used to like clopping around in the two pairs of high heels I own. Bath stuff here is for everyone, same with food, but what gets my goat is people putting an empty packet back inthe fridge or cupboard. The DCs are welcome to feed themselves, but I need to know the supply situation.

It really is possible to keep an invisible fence around your own things and far preferable to the alternative scenario, where a child could find herself in the situation where she would lose or damage something precious, as one of my sisters did with a piece of jewellery of my mother's that mum had foolishly allowed her to play with. It's too late when something has been buried somewhere in the back garden and not ok to complain about a child's carelessness afterwards

Fuzzy, very funny indeed

Flip

1 2 3