Mumsnet Logo
My feed

to access all these features


to be pissedoff with DH for nighttime txts

28 replies

bigpinkellie · 22/04/2011 23:09

Background: DH recently left his job and started with a new company. We moved across the country for new job. He has been overseas for a month on a training course.

While he was away a girl from the old company also handed in her notice and is hoping to move into the industry that DH has just entered.

She is having a bit of a wobble about quitting the old company to move into new industry and I think she's probably been looking to DH for both career advice/reassurance as he has done it. As she is still in the first location this contact is phone, txt & Facebook.

DH's phone just went and it was her asking if he got back from his overseas trip. He asked me to read it out to him as he was busy.

I thought it was odd for her to do this (don't people have better things to do on their bank holiday w/e?) so scrolled up the conversation to see what she's like/how much contact they have (because I'm quite nosy yes, but DH was with me I wasn't sneaking around)

There was a txt conversation from a couple of nights ago where she had sent messages to DH saying things like
"I'm so sad"
"I've had too much to drink and the others (colleagues) have left me"
"I'm all alone"

All quite needy txts, which tbh were pointless as DH was a) overseas at the time and b) doesn't live locally anymore anyway. Surely if she was drunk alone & feeling vulnerable it would make more sense to txt a friend locally, a colleague, a taxi.... Just anyone but an ex-colleague who now lives a few hundred miles away.

DH proceeded to send replies
EG. Have you got enough money, can you get a proper taxi, don't get a mini cab, take a paracetamol, have you brushed you teeth (?!) well into the early hours.... And obv she kept sending replies to those sounding all sad & pathetic

FFS, she's in her mid-20s, and he's not her husband.... Tbh they're not even good friends. Id never heard of her til we left.

AIBU to be pissed off that hours after I say goodnight to my husband overseas on a business trip, he's txting this girl making sure she's got a taxi, brushed her teeth and is feeling better after an emotional night.

The txting resumed at 7am... I'm feeling rough... Poor you... Etc.

I must be pretty naive - I thought me & 23 week old DS at home were the only ones he txted at night before bed and to say good morning to.

Am I a fruitloop? Am I normal?

OP posts:

bleedingstill · 22/04/2011 23:14

Acht, It's probably harmless.
Your husband sounds like a kind man. That's good


moonbeam32 · 22/04/2011 23:22


He coul have just been thoughtful...but asking her if she had brushed her teeth etc??? it sounds like he is being more of a dad than anything else!

I'm afraid i would be seriously pissed off though...probably irrationally but i know it would seriously have upset me if my husband was showing concern in such a way for another woman.

Have you asked him about the texts? I know if it were me i would have probably just jumped in and asked him wtf he was doing asking her why she had brushed her teeth?


AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 23:23

He does sound a kind man, and a man who is fielding off what must be a pretty needy person.

I don't think anything you've said sounds suspicious or overfriendly, but if your DH doesn't want to be her emotional crutch he perhaps needs to spell it out to her.

I would say he's not mentioned how many times she texts/what she says because it means nothing to him and he doesn't want you thinking otherwise.

Don't be pissed off at your lovely DH, feel sorry for the lass for being in such a mess.


Curiousmama · 22/04/2011 23:25

Are you sure this isn't a secret daughter? Sounds like it although don't think my dp would ask his 22 year old dd if she'd brushed her teeth Confused

I wouldn't like this at all tbh.


BitOfFunnyBunny · 22/04/2011 23:26

I don't think he is doing anything wrong, but can you not just say that you think she is being a massive pain in the arse and you would prefer it if he ignored a few of her texts, as she sounds like a bit of a nutter and doesn't need the encouragement?


bleedingstill · 22/04/2011 23:27

I would be delighted if my husband showed such concern for another human being, of any gender , age, disposition


AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 23:29

'Are you sure this isn't a secret daughter? '

That's the most extreme reading between the lines I've ever read on here Grin

Asking her whether she brushed her teeth could be something they've said before, 'I'm so crappy I haven't even brushed my teeth in two days' kind of thing?

Not necessarily anything to do with any bedroom action or secret daughters.


mangle · 22/04/2011 23:31

If he had any improper intentions towards her or had ever behaved improperly in the past, he would not have asked you to read out the text. However, she has overstepped the mark in my opinion. I wouldn't like a woman texting my dh like that. Have a word with him and just explain it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable and that you would prefer him to distance himself a bit more.
Sara x


bochead · 22/04/2011 23:31

The texts on his side sound very paternal - he's a kind man. Don't be pissed off with him as obviously that whole fatherhood thing has permeated his whole pysche lol!

Her though - she seriously needs to grow up and get a life. She doesn't sound mature enough to live & work overseas and your hubby already has one child to support. She does sound in a pickle - if you are local perhaps you could mother her in a sensible direction? (Towards making a few friends her own age and towards her own Dad for support?) does she know anyone where she's living outside of work as this is a common problem for graduate trainees etc. Oddly it's worst in big cities like London for new career starters (you said she was early twenties).


Pancakeflipper · 22/04/2011 23:33

I think it's one-sided. I think he answers her kindly perhaps knowing she is mentally not in a healthy place. But he cannot be running to her every text/need cos you are already not impressed.


moonbeam32 · 22/04/2011 23:34

That was my exact thought..if anything had been going on no way would he have askd you to read the text out.

I just think she sounds like she is maybe getting a bit needy and clingy...time for her to back off a bit. I would just explain to him you would prefer if he backed away or you might need to lock up any fluffy pets you may have.


bigpinkellie · 22/04/2011 23:36

I told him that what he said wasn't inappropriate, it was that it was the middle of the night and she clearly has a thing for him that he hasn't discouraged. Personally I think it's inappropriate for him to txt any girl but me in the wee small hours!

Had a bit of an argument over it (are you dictating who I can be friends with/what I can say/when I'm allowed to txt kind of responses) but essentially I just asked that he doesn't engage in night time txt conversations that encourage/lead her on...

I trust him, it just pisses me off that she's pestering him and he responds to it..

As he's 30 I'm fairly sure he'd not have a 25yr old daughter!!

OP posts:

worraliberty · 22/04/2011 23:38

I think it sounds like idle flirting because he was bored


BitOfFunnyBunny · 22/04/2011 23:40

It's a shame he has got so defensive- the reality is that is is not is his own interests to encourage any colleague to needily pester him in the middle of the night, even if it didn't piss his wife off.


VajazzHands · 22/04/2011 23:42

If there were anything and I mean anything dodgy about it.. he would never have asked you to read his texts aloud. So other than your dh being a bit of a soft touch and being worried abnout a depressed girl drinking by herself.. UNlike the vast majority of mumsnetters who post about relationship advice you really shoudl go tell the poor guy you love him. He sounds really decent.


AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 23:50

'If he had any improper intentions towards her or had ever behaved improperly in the past, he would not have asked you to read out the text'

I was going to say that, but forgot Grin

If there's anything that says to me that he's beyond reproach, it's that he was so relaxed about you reading out the text.

If he had any feelings other than compassion, he would be keeping his phone close to him, unless he's trying to tell you in a roundabout way, and in that case you have serious problems regardless.

Him being defensive could be because he's upset you don't trust him, and nothing more.


Curiousmama · 22/04/2011 23:51

Sorry was a joke about the daughter I should've put Grin Meant it sounded like the way dp would talk to his dd but not so far as to ask about teeth brushing. Been a long night, am not functioning on all cylinders.

Oh so they're very close in age then. Would he like you being texted all through the night by a needy 25 year old guy?


ohmyfucksy · 22/04/2011 23:52

I think he's trying to fend her off - nothing dodgy could be going on as he is not being protective of his phone and anyway they're in different countries. Plus she sounds whiney and annoying, complete turn off

He's a nicer person than me, I would probably have ignored her after a while


AgentZigzag · 22/04/2011 23:56

'He's a nicer person than me, I would probably have ignored her after a while'

Me too ohmyfucksy, but that's perhaps an indicator of just how much the woman is struggling?

(love your MN name Grin)


bubblecoral · 23/04/2011 00:01

This woman fancies your dh, or at the very least wants attention from him because she's not getting it elsewhere. And your dh is probably enjoying the attention from her, even if he has no desire towards her whatsoever. Especially as your attention will be rightly focused on your baby atm. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be replying with otherwise pointless texts.


ohmyfucksy · 23/04/2011 00:04

Yeah she probably does fancy him - luckily she seems to be the world's worst seductress...

thanks Zigzag!


MaisyMooCow · 23/04/2011 00:10

Agree with bubblecoral.

Sounds like an attention thing, needs to be nipped in the bud. She sounds needy and shouldn't be seeking attention from him. She's knows his status so should steer well clear from that sort of texting. As they're previous colleagues there's no harm in a friendly catch up text but late night texting is a bit much imo.


pingu2209 · 23/04/2011 10:30

I would speak to your husband about it and ask how he would feel if you were texting another man regularly and late at night and early hours of the morning.

Hopefully that will make him think about your feelings on the matter.

If that doesn't work, I would say to him that you are feeling vulnerable and no matter what he says, you are expecting him not to text the girl again.

My husband works away regularly and although I trust he isn't having affairs or one night stands, I would not want him having such a relationship with another woman.

I am sure you dont' want to hear this, but ... whilst it may be nothing at the moment, these things can lead on to full blown relationships, especially as they are 'close' on another level.


CareyFakes · 23/04/2011 11:15

She's obviously looking to your DH for something maybe she doesn't have already in her life, or never has?

I wouldn't be too worried, I would tell your DH that she seems a bit needy and that even though he's being lovely to her, she may take this the wrong way and cause some bother.

Your DH sounds lovely, probably just trying to help and that's a nice trait.


ENormaSnob · 23/04/2011 11:23

I would hit the roof over this tbh.

Completely inappropriate.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Sign up to continue reading

Mumsnet's better when you're logged in. You can customise your experience and access way more features like messaging, watch and hide threads, voting and much more.

Already signed up?