to be pissedoff with DH for nighttime txts

[bigpinkellie]

Background: DH recently left his job and started with a new company. We moved across the country for new job. He has been overseas for a month on a training course.

While he was away a girl from the old company also handed in her notice and is hoping to move into the industry that DH has just entered.

She is having a bit of a wobble about quitting the old company to move into new industry and I think she's probably been looking to DH for both career advice/reassurance as he has done it. As she is still in the first location this contact is phone, txt & Facebook.

DH's phone just went and it was her asking if he got back from his overseas trip. He asked me to read it out to him as he was busy.

I thought it was odd for her to do this (don't people have better things to do on their bank holiday w/e?) so scrolled up the conversation to see what she's like/how much contact they have (because I'm quite nosy yes, but DH was with me I wasn't sneaking around)

There was a txt conversation from a couple of nights ago where she had sent messages to DH saying things like
"I'm so sad"
"I've had too much to drink and the others (colleagues) have left me"
"I'm all alone"

All quite needy txts, which tbh were pointless as DH was a) overseas at the time and b) doesn't live locally anymore anyway. Surely if she was drunk alone & feeling vulnerable it would make more sense to txt a friend locally, a colleague, a taxi.... Just anyone but an ex-colleague who now lives a few hundred miles away.

DH proceeded to send replies
EG. Have you got enough money, can you get a proper taxi, don't get a mini cab, take a paracetamol, have you brushed you teeth (?!) well into the early hours.... And obv she kept sending replies to those sounding all sad & pathetic

FFS, she's in her mid-20s, and he's not her husband.... Tbh they're not even good friends. Id never heard of her til we left.

AIBU to be pissed off that hours after I say goodnight to my husband overseas on a business trip, he's txting this girl making sure she's got a taxi, brushed her teeth and is feeling better after an emotional night.

The txting resumed at 7am... I'm feeling rough... Poor you... Etc.

I must be pretty naive - I thought me & 23 week old DS at home were the only ones he txted at night before bed and to say good morning to.

Am I a fruitloop? Am I normal?

[gannett]

I thought me & 23 week old DS at home were the only ones he txted at night before bed and to say good morning to.

You're being weirdly territorial.

This woman is being inappropriate and not very professional, but this is not that unusual in young people relatively new to the workforce and obviously struggling a bit. She may have a crush on your husband or she may just be needy and see him as someone she can trust with her worries - that doesn't matter because he's being appropriate, professional and kind in his responses.

I'd be very happy that my partner was showing concern for someone who was obviously a bit of a mess.

I don't get why the timing of any of it matters. I send plenty of texts last thing at night and first thing in the morning, to all sorts of people, including when travelling for work. DP certainly doesn't have a monopoly on being the last person I message.

[IhearyouClemFandango]

The "who I can be friends with" line is so familiar.

[constantlywrong]

I don't think he's done anything wrong, from the sounds of it he's quite sweet and isn't reading into this what she is.

She sounds like a bit of a moaning minnie though, and SHE is being inappropriate.

[loopylou6]

I don't think he's about to have an affair but his behaviour is highly inappropriate, I wouldn't be at all impressed if my DH did this. It's quite clear that this lady has her sights set on your DH and tbh he's actively encouraging her and giving off the wrong signals whilst engaging in all the midnight texting.

Tell him it stops and it stops now

[ZacharyQuack]

Perhaps you could address it with your DH that from a woman's point of view you think she sounds very needy and you're concerned that if he encourages her too much that she could become a problem. Rather that trying to tell him that you think he's done something wrong.

Suggest that he ignores her late night texts and don't reply until middle of the next morning, thereby giving her the opportunity to find another support system.

It doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong, but it may be a bit of an ego-boost for him chatting with a younger woman.

[ENormaSnob]

I would hit the roof over this tbh.

Completely inappropriate.

[CareyFakes]

She's obviously looking to your DH for something maybe she doesn't have already in her life, or never has?

I wouldn't be too worried, I would tell your DH that she seems a bit needy and that even though he's being lovely to her, she may take this the wrong way and cause some bother.

Your DH sounds lovely, probably just trying to help and that's a nice trait.

[pingu2209]

I would speak to your husband about it and ask how he would feel if you were texting another man regularly and late at night and early hours of the morning.

Hopefully that will make him think about your feelings on the matter.

If that doesn't work, I would say to him that you are feeling vulnerable and no matter what he says, you are expecting him not to text the girl again.

My husband works away regularly and although I trust he isn't having affairs or one night stands, I would not want him having such a relationship with another woman.

I am sure you dont' want to hear this, but ... whilst it may be nothing at the moment, these things can lead on to full blown relationships, especially as they are 'close' on another level.

[MaisyMooCow]

Agree with bubblecoral.

Sounds like an attention thing, needs to be nipped in the bud. She sounds needy and shouldn't be seeking attention from him. She's knows his status so should steer well clear from that sort of texting. As they're previous colleagues there's no harm in a friendly catch up text but late night texting is a bit much imo.

[ohmyfucksy]

Yeah she probably does fancy him - luckily she seems to be the world's worst seductress...

thanks Zigzag!

[bubblecoral]

This woman fancies your dh, or at the very least wants attention from him because she's not getting it elsewhere. And your dh is probably enjoying the attention from her, even if he has no desire towards her whatsoever. Especially as your attention will be rightly focused on your baby atm. If he wasn't, he wouldn't be replying with otherwise pointless texts.

[AgentZigzag]

'He's a nicer person than me, I would probably have ignored her after a while'

Me too ohmyfucksy, but that's perhaps an indicator of just how much the woman is struggling?

(love your MN name )

[ohmyfucksy]

I think he's trying to fend her off - nothing dodgy could be going on as he is not being protective of his phone and anyway they're in different countries. Plus she sounds whiney and annoying, complete turn off

He's a nicer person than me, I would probably have ignored her after a while

[Curiousmama]

Sorry was a joke about the daughter I should've put Meant it sounded like the way dp would talk to his dd but not so far as to ask about teeth brushing. Been a long night, am not functioning on all cylinders.

Oh so they're very close in age then. Would he like you being texted all through the night by a needy 25 year old guy?

[AgentZigzag]

'If he had any improper intentions towards her or had ever behaved improperly in the past, he would not have asked you to read out the text'

I was going to say that, but forgot

If there's anything that says to me that he's beyond reproach, it's that he was so relaxed about you reading out the text.

If he had any feelings other than compassion, he would be keeping his phone close to him, unless he's trying to tell you in a roundabout way, and in that case you have serious problems regardless.

Him being defensive could be because he's upset you don't trust him, and nothing more.

[VajazzHands]

If there were anything and I mean anything dodgy about it.. he would never have asked you to read his texts aloud. So other than your dh being a bit of a soft touch and being worried abnout a depressed girl drinking by herself.. UNlike the vast majority of mumsnetters who post about relationship advice you really shoudl go tell the poor guy you love him. He sounds really decent.

[BitOfFunnyBunny]

It's a shame he has got so defensive- the reality is that is is not is his own interests to encourage any colleague to needily pester him in the middle of the night, even if it didn't piss his wife off.

[worraliberty]

I think it sounds like idle flirting because he was bored

[bigpinkellie]

I told him that what he said wasn't inappropriate, it was that it was the middle of the night and she clearly has a thing for him that he hasn't discouraged. Personally I think it's inappropriate for him to txt any girl but me in the wee small hours!

Had a bit of an argument over it (are you dictating who I can be friends with/what I can say/when I'm allowed to txt kind of responses) but essentially I just asked that he doesn't engage in night time txt conversations that encourage/lead her on...

I trust him, it just pisses me off that she's pestering him and he responds to it..

As he's 30 I'm fairly sure he'd not have a 25yr old daughter!!

[moonbeam32]

That was my exact thought..if anything had been going on no way would he have askd you to read the text out.

I just think she sounds like she is maybe getting a bit needy and clingy...time for her to back off a bit. I would just explain to him you would prefer if he backed away or you might need to lock up any fluffy pets you may have.

[Pancakeflipper]

I think it's one-sided. I think he answers her kindly perhaps knowing she is mentally not in a healthy place. But he cannot be running to her every text/need cos you are already not impressed.

[bochead]

The texts on his side sound very paternal - he's a kind man. Don't be pissed off with him as obviously that whole fatherhood thing has permeated his whole pysche lol!

Her though - she seriously needs to grow up and get a life. She doesn't sound mature enough to live & work overseas and your hubby already has one child to support. She does sound in a pickle - if you are local perhaps you could mother her in a sensible direction? (Towards making a few friends her own age and towards her own Dad for support?) does she know anyone where she's living outside of work as this is a common problem for graduate trainees etc. Oddly it's worst in big cities like London for new career starters (you said she was early twenties).

[mangle]

If he had any improper intentions towards her or had ever behaved improperly in the past, he would not have asked you to read out the text. However, she has overstepped the mark in my opinion. I wouldn't like a woman texting my dh like that. Have a word with him and just explain it makes you feel a bit uncomfortable and that you would prefer him to distance himself a bit more.
Sara x

[AgentZigzag]

'Are you sure this isn't a secret daughter? '

That's the most extreme reading between the lines I've ever read on here

Asking her whether she brushed her teeth could be something they've said before, 'I'm so crappy I haven't even brushed my teeth in two days' kind of thing?

Not necessarily anything to do with any bedroom action or secret daughters.