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AIBU to think this is a bit rude of a host/hostess?

58 replies

TheVisitors · 22/04/2011 17:46

(call me a chicken if you like but changer just in case the hostess in question is on here Smile)

DP has asked me to post this as he was interested to see what MN had to say. It happened a few weeks ago.

We were invited to friends for the weekend. DP has known these people for 20-25 years. I have known them since being with DP (so about 15 years). We only manage to meet up every 1-2years

We have a 3.5hr journey arriving mid-late evening and arrive at almost exactly at the time we estimated, so not really late or anything.

When we get there the 'dad' is there with the children but the 'mum' is out at the pub with friends, not a special occasion or party but just 'in the pub'. She doesn't come home for over an hour after she is texted by her DH to say we've arrived.

Is this rude or not?

OP posts:

TheOriginalFAB · 22/04/2011 17:47

It is rather but does depend why she was at the pub and if her friend had a major crisis and needed your hostess.


Claz1001 · 22/04/2011 17:47

Sounds damn rude to me!


spooktrain · 22/04/2011 17:48

yup, rude in my book.

I could appreciate if she'd just rushed out to the out of hours chemist or whatever, but out socialising in the pub when your visitors are arriving? I can feel my catsbum mouth drawing in


TheVisitors · 22/04/2011 17:50

Not a special occasion/no friend in crisis etc.

Just in the pub with people she regularly sees. Local-ish pub

OP posts:

holderness · 22/04/2011 17:52

What did her DH/she offer as explanation?

Maybe that is 'her' time each week and as she was going to be hostess for the rest of the weekend didn't feel inclined to drop it.

Or maybe they had had a big argument earlier ( possibly but not exclusively about your visit) and she felt that taking herself to the pub with a friend would help her cope with the rest of the time that visitors would be in the house.


millie30 · 22/04/2011 17:53

Really rude, especially not coming home for over an hour after you've arrived! Was her husband embarrassed?


dreamingofromance · 22/04/2011 17:55

Maybe the pub was an outing she had planned for a while and before you decided to visit?


bibbitybobbityhat · 22/04/2011 17:56

I wouldn't be unduly fussed. It was only an hour after all and you were going to be there for the whole weekend. Perhaps she was having a really nice time in the pub?


mummymeister · 22/04/2011 17:57

Agree with Claz. if you invite someone to your home then it is reasonable to expect you to be there. an emergency - different matter altogether but just being out hmm not good really.


TheVisitors · 22/04/2011 17:59

holderness -he just said "oh X is in the pub. I'll let her know you've arrived". Over an hour later she wanders in half pissed.

As for the other possible reasons you mentioned...lets just say she isn't hard done by, wasn't put out by our visit (re:extra work, catering etc) and its not that she doesn't like us or didn't want to spend time with us. I don't want to elaborate as if by any chance she is on here she would recognise details if I give them.

DP did run the scenario by a much older friend of his who is "Mr Etiquette" when it comes to social situations-he was horrified once he'd clarified that she wasn't out due to a friends crisis or similar problem

OP posts:

yama · 22/04/2011 18:00

I don't think it was rude if your eta was not precise. So, if you said 'we'll be there between 6pm and 7pm' then fine she was out and came home when she knew you had arrived.

I wouldn't do it but I wouldn't think it rude if someone did it to me.


squeakytoy · 22/04/2011 18:01

Wouldnt have bothered me... she may have intended to get home earlier, lost track of time... so long as someone was there to let you in, I dont see the problem.


RainbowPatooties · 22/04/2011 18:02



TidyDancer · 22/04/2011 18:03

YANBU, it is very rude. My cousin's then-girlfriend-now-wife did this to my family and I a few years ago. She was so late even he was starting to get worried about where she was. Coincidentally, she was also at the pub with friends. I believe in the end, she showed up when we had been there for about two or three hours. She didn't apologise at all and then serve up microwaved lasagne. I'm not a food snob, but this was a pre-arranged dinner that we had travelled about 30 miles to be at. I've never quite warmed to her, probably not too hard to see why.


Knackeredmother · 22/04/2011 18:10

Rude. My sil does this everytime we visit (about twice a year). Carries on with life as if we are not there, nights out with her mates, friends round for coffee, doing all her housework etc.
We've took the hint now and stay in a hotel if we ever visit!


Rhinestone · 22/04/2011 18:14

Hmm - not the most polite but with good mates you've known for 15-25 years it is acceptable to not stand on etiquette the whole time!

If she was pleased to see you and good company and a good hostess the rest of the time then I'd forget about it tbh. Sounds like she wasn't sure exactly what time you'd be there so decided to go for a swift half. Then who knows why she was a bit delayed - maybe someone bought her another drink without realising she needed to go; maybe a friend was letting off steam about something the DH host didn't now about; maybe it was just one of those nights when the beer / wine goes down too easily etc!

Sometimes even the most well-meaning people find life gets in the way sometimes and none of us are perfect.


FabbyChic · 22/04/2011 18:16

I do think it was bad manners, if you know you have guests coming you are in to receive them.


Earlybird · 22/04/2011 18:21

How long should it have taken her to get home from the pub - ie, was it a long way away?

Rude to not be there to wait for you, and extra rude if she could have got home much more quickly than she did.

How was the rest of the weekend? How did she behave toward you both? Were you made to feel welcome/special?

In your shoes, think I would have been put off.


cupofteaplease · 22/04/2011 18:23

It wouldn't have bothered me, if I'm honest.


TragicallyHip · 22/04/2011 18:26

I'm not sure I find it rude but I do find it quite odd!!

What time did you get there?


anonymosity · 22/04/2011 18:29

I am wondering if your friend in the pub is my sister in law. We travelled about the same distance to stay with my Dh's sister and her family. When we arrived (at time due) she was out getting her hair done. Didn't come back for 2 hrs!!!!

SELF ABSORBED is what it is, and rude.


microfight · 22/04/2011 18:33

I would think it's rude unless you have an understanding between you which you obviously don't as you've written on here.


TheMonster · 22/04/2011 18:34

Maybe she assumed you would be late. It is rather rude though.


sleepingsowell · 22/04/2011 18:37

yes, agree with most that this was rude. quite a bizarre attitude in my opinion, there's not much ruder than inviting people to stay then not bothering to even be there!

I was brought up to stop what I'm doing for visitors, turn tv off if on, welcome them, and make them at least a drink - and this goes for family and friends. Has been hard to get used to my SIL's approach, she carries on with what she was doing whatever that may be, takes long calls from (clearly more worthwhile) friends on her mobile, and just generally carries on as she would if we hadn't turned up.

If she gives it any thought it's probably her view that she doesn't need to 'stand on ceremony' with us as we're family, however to me that is just shorthand for 'I can treat you like a piece of poo'.


Asinine · 22/04/2011 18:37

Theory number 1
They may have fallen out before you arrived. Some people find getting ready for guests stressful, especially if they have to clean up the house if they normally live in chaos.


Theory number 2
Or you could think that she was so relaxed about seeing old friends that she just thought you wouldn't mind. I've got a friend like that who claims I once said I liked having her to stay because they're the sort of people I didn't need to Hoover for. I tease her that I don't even change the sheets for her. I do mostly Grin

Anyway, did the rest of the visit go well, or was there an atmosphere? (nosy)

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