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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to be upset with my brothers behaviour towards dd

93 replies

kokolp · 22/04/2011 11:57

Yesterday I went to see my mum and my brother is back from uni. My nephews were there as my sister was at work. My brother was playing with the boys in the back garden with a rugby ball and dd went out to play with them. She came back about 2 minutes later because they wouldn't let her play as rugby isn't a game for girls. She was quite upset at being excluded and so she stayed with me. They were only throwing/kicking it around so its not that they were tackling or being rough with each other. My nephews I can forgive as they are only young but my brother is 20 and I feel really at him.

OP posts:

stream · 22/04/2011 13:44

"male time"

Double [buhmm]

Let's hope none of the males ever want any "girl time".

poxoxo · 22/04/2011 13:46

YABU They would probably have had to change the game they were playing in order to allow your dd to play and they didn't want to.

Goblinchild · 22/04/2011 13:50

' its not that they were tackling or being rough with each other'

It was a stupid sexist exclusion, but think about your comment OP. There was a 7 year old boy playing. Would your DD have been unable to cope with a game that he was involved in?
My sister was a fusspot about her children, which meant that mine regularly chose not to play freely with them, due to all the interventions and fussing that went on from auntie.
They played 'nicely' for a while, then needed a break.

SardineQueen · 22/04/2011 13:55

Whatever his feelings are about who is "allowed" to play a game, he was being downright nasty excluding 1 child from a group of 4 from a game.

If it were my brother he would still be reeling from my reaction but I guess you don't have the same relationship (mine is younger than me and I can still put the fear into him ).

I would take this really seriously though. Ask him why he thought it was OK, when there were 4 children there, to pick one out and exclude them from the game. He was totally out of order.

Maternelle · 22/04/2011 13:58

Totally unacceptable. This happened to me as a kid and I knew then it was wrong.

thumbbunny · 22/04/2011 14:01

Mean brother. Poor DD. Stupid attitude - should have asked them to do something that she COULD be included in, rather than forcing her out.

jenny60 · 22/04/2011 14:03

Just when I thought that for once, nobody, absolutely nobody could possibly think this behaviour was ok, someone comes up with 'male time'

iwerta · 22/04/2011 14:04

YANBU but you should have done more. I would have demonstrated that girls are the equal of boys in all respects by joining in and kicking said brothers ass.

SardineQueen · 22/04/2011 14:07

This "you should have joined in yourself" approach is strange to me. Why? What if she didn't want to? What has that to do with the exclusion of her 7yo DD in the game?

I can't play rugby or anything that involves running around, does that mean it would be OK to exclude my DDs?

CurrySpice · 22/04/2011 14:07

Why couldn't she be included in what they were doing thumbbunny?

Asking them to do something that a girl is "capable" of is just as bad imho

TeddyMcardle · 22/04/2011 14:07

I can't believe you didn't say more then that, not very nice for your dd.

SardineQueen · 22/04/2011 14:08

If she joined in and didn't "kick his ass" would that then "prove" that women are inferior? Of course not.

It was a bleeding game in someone's back garden, they should have let her play.

Scholes34 · 22/04/2011 14:10

Quite - agree with iwerta - you should have taken the opportunity join in too and see exactly how inappropriate or otherwise the play was. Your brother will continue to make such comments if no-one takes him to task on it. You've only yourself to blame if you sit back and say nothing.

Scholes34 · 22/04/2011 14:11

SardineQueen - by this stage we're not dealing with the DD joining in or not, but the brother's attitude.

lampoon · 22/04/2011 14:15

If the brother and his nephews play rugby at school or for a team and the OPs dd doesn't then won't they be a lot better than her so they wouldn't want her to play because she wouldn't be good enough to play with them.

SardineQueen · 22/04/2011 14:15

And if someone joins in and fails to "kick his ass" then surely that simply reinforces his idea that women can't play rugby? If someone can't join in at all for whatever reason then that is some kind of failure? What if he is fucking good at rugby and it would be unlikely that anyone would "kick his ass"? What does any of this achieve?

I thought this idea that women had to be 10x better than men to be accepted at doing things had gone out of the window years ago! And it was known that when women did do 10 x better and get accepted they would be counted among sexists as the "exception that proves the rule". If that is the mindset of this bloke then his view would simply change to "women can't play rugby generally although the occasional one is OK" - and how will that help the 7yo?

Bottom line is he should have let the child play. He was a pig.

thumbbunny · 22/04/2011 14:16

Whoever said she wasn't capable? I didn't! But if they weren't going to let her play rugby for whatever misbegotten reason, then I would have insisted that EITHER they let her join in OR they played something that they would let her play, like football perhaps.

Of course they should have just let her play - but they didn't. And while the OP's brother is a sexist arsehole for not allowing her to play, the OP allowed him to continue to be that way.

Pagwatch · 22/04/2011 14:17

Oh that is such nonsense.
Dd is 8 and plays rugby at her school. Ds1 and the boys at his school know the girls play too and wouldn't make that assumption. Dh and ds1 have included dd since she was big enough to ask.

Your brother is a berk

Niecie · 22/04/2011 14:18

Sardinequeen - nobody is saying she had to join in or that her DD should have been left out. All we are saying is that by joining in she would have made the point very forcibly that girls are just as capable. She didn't have to run around - it was a game of catch. Once the point had been made I doubt she would have to even have been outside for more than 5 minutes.

I 'played' football with DS2 (7) yesterday which involved no running on my part (he did it all) and a small amount of kicking. He just wanted me with him and somebody to kick a ball to. I am sure the OP's DD would have loved her mum to join in catching a ball in the same way and it would have proved the point to her DB.

Bawling him out would also have worked and I probably would have done both! Seething on MN clearly doesn't but maybe next time things will be different.

SardineQueen · 22/04/2011 14:19

I find it strange that everyone is assuming that the boys are all fantastic at rugby and they were playing properly and she would have spoiled it.

A lot of assumptions there. Am also interested in how you play rugby properly in an average-sized back garden.

In my family if people want to join in they they join in. If that means that people have to go a bit easier then they go a bit easier. That's normal couteous family behaviour surely. Back garden play is for fun, I'd have thought. Not competition so serious that upsetting a 7yo family member would be absolutely the correct thing to do.

He was a pig.

SardineQueen · 22/04/2011 14:21

I think people are guessing what sort of game it was! We have everything ranging from it being a semi-professional serious match to a simple game of catch.

I wouldn't have thought anyone would exclude a child from a game of catch there must have been more to it than that.

CurrySpice · 22/04/2011 14:26

Sardine, we're not guessing, the OP says "They were only throwing/kicking it around" so it doesn't sound like the Calcutta Cup :o

bonkers20 · 22/04/2011 14:31

What a GREAT opportunity to teach your young nephews about sexism right infront of your brother! Yay. I'd have gone out there and asked in a loud, jokey voice, "who says rugby is only for boys?" and then charged at the little boys, wrestling them to the ground. This would take tension away from the situation (look at mad Auntie!) and let your nephews see that females play sport. Your DD would think you were utterly cool nb. don't try this after the age of about 11, they will be mortified!

Actually, you really need to check that they said she couldn't play "becuase it's not for girls" before you wade in.

momiath · 22/04/2011 14:33

YABU they didn't want her to play, why they didn't doesn't really matter

Shakirasma · 22/04/2011 14:36

YANBU. My 13 yo dd is ace at rugby. Her PE teachers rave about her and really admire the way she gets stuck in. She a a match for any boy!

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