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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think all couples should be required to do a pre-marriage course?

73 replies

WriterofDreams · 21/04/2011 15:14

I'm Catholic and before you can get married in a church you have to do a one-day pre-marriage course during which counsellors talk you through the big decisions you're going to have to make as a couple around money, jobs, where to live, children etc. DH had talked about most of that stuff already although it did throw up some points of argument discussion for us and overall was quite useful. I noticed during the course that some couples were getting quite irate with one another and it was clear some of them had never even considered these really important issues. I also know one couple who broke up after the pre marriage course as it became clear their priorities were completely different - they were spared a divorce.

AIBU to think that all couples should be made to attend a course like this before marrying? It shocks me how often I have heard people about to embark on one of the biggest commitments of their lives without ever having discussed the really important practicalities. I know it wouldn't solve all problems but surely it would highlight points of serious disagreement before it's too late?

OP posts:
noodle69 · 21/04/2011 15:15

We talked about all that stuff before marriage anyway. I think its important to taljk about these things in depth but that should be obvious and you shouldnt need a course to make you realise that.

Insomnia11 · 21/04/2011 15:16

I don't think it should be mandatory, no.

cory · 21/04/2011 15:18

From reading Mumsnet I think I might be beginning to agree with you. In our case it felt a bit superfluous as we had a 10 year long engagement (immigration reasons etc) before we were finally able to settle down, so plenty of time to consider these things, sometimes more obsessively than was entirely good for my blood pressure.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 21/04/2011 15:19

YABVU. I never needed a course to be a normal human being. Who would run it? What would it say? Load of bollocks.

notquitenormal · 21/04/2011 15:20

No, sorry. DH and I were together for 15 years before we got married. Such a course would have been a complete waste of my time.

bonnymiffy · 21/04/2011 15:20

DH was opposed to doing one, I said I wouldn't get married without it. We both found it useful though, as it gave us the space to discuss a couple of things, although we had covered most of it over the course of our relationship up till then. I would certainly recommend doing one, but I don't see how you can make it compulsory.
YANBU

wolfhound · 21/04/2011 15:24

YANBU. Actually, I think it's a really good idea. I didn't do one, but a friend of mine (whose DH is Catholic) did. On hers, they were each given a little set of cards with words on (can't remember what exactly) that they had to lay out in order of the priority to them - friend and her DH had quite different priorities, even though they'd been together for years. It got them talking about them, and it stood them in good stead as since marriage they have had to face very difficult issues around some of those exact priorities. They have a very strong marriage. Not saying they wouldn't have otherwise, but it didn't do any harm. Can't see what the downside would be. Lots and lots of people get married without talking about these things. Actually, DH and I didn't talk about them much, but have been lucky because we are in fact in tune on all the big matters. Known each other a very long time though.

Personally, i think a mandatory course before you get married / have kids / own a dog etc. etc. is a good idea. Not saying there should be a test you have to pass. Just that when you enter on a big commitment where the happiness of other living things (people/animals) is concerned, that you should be consciously thinking things through.

FluffyDonkey · 21/04/2011 15:29

YABU
We were quite mature enough to discuss important matters before getting married. I would have been very annoyed at having to give up some of my free time to go and listen to someone telling me what I needed to talk about with DH.

I think it would completely impractical to implement too. Who would pay for it? Who would run it? How long would it last for? etc. Would you have to "pass" something or would turning up and going through the motions be enough?

Also, you can never tell what life is going to throw at you. How can a pre-marriage course cover all eventualities?

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/04/2011 15:34

YABU - DH and I have been together for 21 years and married for 13.........I think maturity, common sense, empathy and plenty more make for a good marriage, not some silly one day course!

GypsyMoth · 21/04/2011 15:35

lol at a ONE day course!!!

one day?? really?

Hammy02 · 21/04/2011 15:35

YABU. I've lived with DP for about 5 years and have been through pretty much everything life can through at us. We have argued about 2-3 times in the duration of our relationship. I can't think of anything important we haven't discussed. It may suit some people but it shouldn't be mandatory.

I do however think it may be an idea to have third party counselling before having children together. How many posts are there on MN that could have been avoided if they'd discussed childcare, religion with which to bring up DC, housework division, extent of GP visits, finances etc etc.

OryxCrake · 21/04/2011 15:36

YABU. We didn't marry until our children were grown up so we'd been together a very, very long time. Having to attend a course about the nature of commitment would have really pissed me off!

FriedEggyAndSlippery · 21/04/2011 15:37

TBH if you haven't already talked about all this stuff together, and actually need some random tutor to talk you through it, maybe you aren't so compatible anyway? Or aren't ready for marriage yet?

charitygirl · 21/04/2011 15:37

YANBU - not mandatory but they should be much more widely available/advertised to couples who are getting married outside of church (as it tends to be just the churches who 'insist' on them). I believe the govt are considering making info about marriage prep courses a part of the information goven to couples applying to be married via a registrar.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 21/04/2011 15:39

An interesting range of opinions here.

In terms of who pays for it, in the Catholic set up the couple pays for it. It doesn't need to be any more than one day because it isn't teaching you anything, it's just gives a couple space to talk about big issues that they might not have considered before. A surprising number of people go into marriage without ever having had a serious discussion about finances or children and the course is just there to bring these issues up so that they're not ignored or swept under the carpet.

I totally get what people are saying about knowing each other really well. DH and I were like that and for us it was just a chance to reconnect and revisit some issues that we hadn't talked about for a while. It was an interesting experience actually because it did bring up a few points of conflict that I didn't expect.

OP posts:
fedupofnamechanging · 21/04/2011 15:41

We had to have pre marriage meetings with our vicar before he would agree to let us marry in his church. It didn't do us any harm, but we were already living together and had a child, so it was a bit pointless imo.

I take the view that as a grown woman, I am perfectly capable of making my own decisions and thinking through what is good for my own life without the input of the church. What qualifies someone else to judge better than me and DH what is good for us? I think it could be perceived as patronising and nanny ish, because we are talking about adults who shouldn't need a course to teach them how to make adult choices.

Some people do rush into things, but that's their prerogative. The state can't do everyone's thinking for them, much as it tries to!

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 21/04/2011 15:44

A fair point Karma but I found with the Catholic course that it wasn't telling us what to think at all. The counsellors just brought up a few different topics and we had to talk them through amongst ourselves.

OP posts:
CornflowerB · 21/04/2011 15:45

YANBU
We didn't talk through these things, or we sort of did and my dh smiled and nodded so I thought he was agreeing with me...
Looking back it seems incredible that we didn't talk the important things through properly, but I suppose we were young, immature, already living together and caught up in the 'big day', and not the reality of marriage.
I think things would have been very different if we had some sort of forum in which discuss these things.
And what makes it worse is that being Catholic I should have gone on one, but didn't because our priest was a friend of the family and let us away with it, because of course we thought we knew it all...

FluffyDonkey · 21/04/2011 15:46

But outside the Catholic set-up, who would pay? The government? So, our taxes then.

I would be very against a mandatory course. We did not need space to talk about the issues. Lots of issues had been discussed regularly and from fairly early on in our relationship, for example the importance of our careers, which might one day take us abroad and the impact that would have on the other person. How the other person would feel in this case, what would be deemed as acceptable etc. etc.

OryxCrake · 21/04/2011 15:47

I don't have a problem with courses being available but do you really feel they should be compulsory? We'd been together for 25 years by the time we married, which is longer than many marriages last.

bubblecoral · 21/04/2011 15:47

I don't think it should be mandatory, but it should be more widely available. We thought about doing one but it was very expensive, so we made a point of talking about some of the issues that might have come up. It was useful to do that for us because we had never really disagreed on anything before, and it made us think about how we would deal with a situation where we both had strongly differing opinions.

onlyjoking9329 · 21/04/2011 15:51

It's a good thing to have, but I don't think it should be compulsive,
I was with my lovely DH for 17 years, we were great together thou we had lots of difficult things happen during our time together it was never about how we were with each other just general life type stuff. Which let's face it we don't know whats around the corner.
What about people who have previously been successfully married? Would they have to do the course?
I'm getting remarried and I wouldn't really want to do a course because, well, why would it help?

charitygirl · 21/04/2011 15:53

Who would pay? I think the couples should pay! I know you'll all rush to tell me about your tupence ha'penny weddings, but I dont think £100 is much out of the average wedding budget.

Olifin · 21/04/2011 15:54

YABU.

Most sensible couples would have a good idea of how compatible they are before getting married and would have discussed the big issues. Not that that would prevent divorce anyway because people change, people do bad things.

I wouldn't have paid to do such a course; it wasn't necessary for us. We were very lucky to have excellent role models in terms of relationships. Doesn't mean we'll never split up, can't know what's around the corner but I think we have always had very similar ideas on what we want and what our respective responsibilities are in the relationship.

nickelbaalamb · 21/04/2011 15:58

I do think it's a very good idea to do one - not necessarily mandatory, but certainly advisory.

We did one, too, through the church, and it was really helpful (thankfully we did know a lot about each other and what we wanted from life, but I found it good to hear another side of the story (from the priest) and to have certain things written down for us.

I would not want to do it with other couples, though, jsut us andthe priest.