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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think all couples should be required to do a pre-marriage course?

73 replies

WriterofDreams · 21/04/2011 15:14

I'm Catholic and before you can get married in a church you have to do a one-day pre-marriage course during which counsellors talk you through the big decisions you're going to have to make as a couple around money, jobs, where to live, children etc. DH had talked about most of that stuff already although it did throw up some points of argument discussion for us and overall was quite useful. I noticed during the course that some couples were getting quite irate with one another and it was clear some of them had never even considered these really important issues. I also know one couple who broke up after the pre marriage course as it became clear their priorities were completely different - they were spared a divorce.

AIBU to think that all couples should be made to attend a course like this before marrying? It shocks me how often I have heard people about to embark on one of the biggest commitments of their lives without ever having discussed the really important practicalities. I know it wouldn't solve all problems but surely it would highlight points of serious disagreement before it's too late?

OP posts:

FluffyDonkey · 21/04/2011 16:02

At the idea that I would have to pay - well I totally disagree with that!

As others have said, ok with making it more widely available but not mandatory! I know of many couples who have been happily married for 40 plus years. Ok, with their ups and downs but still married and still in love. They didn't do a pre-marriage course. Why should I have to?

charitygirl · 21/04/2011 16:05

Well fluffydonkey - I did say it shouldn't be mandatory - just encouraged/made more available. I dont think you should 'have to'.

Everyone I know who has done one (and there are secular courses) has valied them. I just think they're not well known about in this country.

FluffyDonkey · 21/04/2011 16:08

But the OP said it should be required - that was the point I was replying to.

I agree that just the payment by the couples was your suggestion

wolfhound · 21/04/2011 16:10

Perhaps there could be a tax break for couples who do one? Or a reduction on the marriage licence etc? I don't think they're about telling people what to do. More about getting you to talk about the big things. Obviously for some couples it would be redundant. But I suspect not for that many.

Firawla · 21/04/2011 16:10

yabu i don't think its necessary really, so making it compulsory is just a waste of money. me and my dh got married when we were 18 but still we were mature enough to understand marriage and not need to go on a course, we are still going fine. it's a bit patronising to force people to go on this kind of course

ZZZenAgain · 21/04/2011 16:13

when I read around MN and listen to people I know in RL, very many people seem to have gone into married life (or living together and having dc together) without having talked any of the big issues through. They seem to have trusted in love getting them through and a lot of people never thought they would have anything to work at in a marriage. I remember on here once someone was asking why anyone in their right mind would ever work at a relationship - either it works iwth no effort or it is the wrong relationship. Now that I have experienced personally and heard about second hand how many things can go wrong, I think people could generally do with being made aware of these things at the onset. So no, YANBU. A lot of relationships which on here reach the stage of "leave him , the bastard" could I think have been sorted out if more attention had been given to the beginnings of problems.

One thing is to be aware and hear all this stuff though, it is quite another to put it into practice. I think people could be expected to pay for it. Often people don't value things they get for free IME

LaWeasel · 21/04/2011 16:26

YABU, By the time my husband and I got married our DD was nearly two, if there was going to be any opinion changers to split us up I'm sure they would have cropped up by now.

It might be useful for some people, but it won't be for others.

And unfortunately for a lot of people it won't help them spot really unsuitable partners. For example people who get involved in abusive relationships will tell you that there abusers were generally really charming people at first. Those people are likely to be equally charming through these kind of sessions which are in public and all about seeming to be reasonable, whether you actually are or not.

Groovee · 21/04/2011 16:27

We had to do one before we could get married in the church. About 5 churches close by took it in turns to run classes for the weddings in 3 month blocks. I found it quite helpful and quite enjoyed it and Dh said it made him realise somethings which he had never considered before.

It does no harm IMO but it doesn't have to be done. It actually made dh learn to talk to me which he hadn't quite picked up on before but if you are good at talking together and knowing how things lie then I feel that is fine x

Violethill · 21/04/2011 16:34

I think it would be very difficult to make it a compulsory requirement. However, from some of the opinions on MN, I am tempted to agree it might be a good idea. I am amazed by the number of people who never seem to have discussed quite major life issues with their partner before marriage.

IloveJudgeJudy · 21/04/2011 16:34

We also had to do a course before we were able to get married. We talked about certain subjects, but we had discussed all of them before we were engaged. the priest said that it was very surprising how many couples he had do the course who had not discussed fundamental topics. the priest then filled out a form that he said was kept in case of any annulment proceedings. He wasn't saying that we would want our marriage to be annulled, just that the church kept them on everyone who got married there. I thought it was a good idea. We didn't have to pay, it was just four evenings with the priest. I think it would be a good idea for everyone.

BunnyLebowski · 21/04/2011 16:41

YABU

I don't need to be told how to have a happy and successful relationship by a man who has probably never had a long, happy and successful personal relationship in his life (One with an imaginary bearded friend in the sky doesn't count).

Coming from an Irish catholic background I've seen many 'holy' acquaintances run off to these courses before their big dos and a fair few of them are now no longer even married.

I think DP and I and our 10 year extremely happy (non-married) relationship are fine cheers.

FluffyDonkey · 21/04/2011 16:43

Am curious, for those that have done a course : what are the main subjects discussed?

Off the top of my head, we'd discussed, at various times during our relationship before marriage :

Jobs and job mobility (and impact on other person)

Children - how many, when, how we would look after them (SAHP or not), various things like smacking, breastfeeding, who would be guardians of our children in case of death etc.

Various things related to looking after elderly parents

Towns/countries we would like/be prepared to live in

Finance - lots of discussion about that! Joint accounts, mortgages, etc.
....

nepenthe3 · 21/04/2011 16:45

YABU, it sounds very draconian and I actually found the idea quite offensive as a thinking adult, capable of making decisions both by myself and in partnership with my husband. We were a committed relationship before marriage - marriage hasn't changed our level of commitment or cognitive capabilities! Can I just ask the OP if it is priests running these courses within the Catholic church? If so, what sort of experience do they have of marriage/ relationships to qualify them to counsel, other than from a religious standpoint? I don't want to sound confrontational, I would genuinely like to learn a bit more.

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 21/04/2011 16:48

The course I went on was run by counsellors not a priest. We discussed jobs, money, children, finance, care of parents, and a few other life issues.

OP posts:

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 21/04/2011 16:48

No, I think the concept is ridiculous. If a couple wants guidance before they marry, there are umpteen places they can get it from. A pre-marriage course wouldn't achieve any guarantee and it smacks of 'nannying'.

jeckadeck · 21/04/2011 16:49

Very important to discuss these things, particularly, as is increasingly the case today, when people come from very different cultural/economic backgrounds. But if you don't have the common sense to realise this I don't see that going on a one-day course will help. And, with no disrespect to the OP intended, I'm buggered if I'm taking advice on marriage from people who don't believe in contraception, abortion or the ordination of women.

CornflowerB · 21/04/2011 16:51

Yes, I thought I knew it all too...turned out I didn't...

From speaking to my sister (who had the sense to go on one), I think the point of most of these courses is to get couples to discuss the things that are likely to become an issue e.g. finance, children, priorities etc.
It is not about priests standing up telling everyone what to do.

BunnyLebowski · 21/04/2011 16:53

'We discussed jobs, money, children, finance, care of parents, and a few other life issues.'

I'm sorry but what kind of idiots get married without discussing those things??

SpotsMumSally · 21/04/2011 16:54

You have to do marriage course here (Ireland) before you can married. (We had lived together for seven years before we decided to get married).

We were spared the course as we couldn't leave our severely disabled DD, but had to meet with one of the counsellors and do a questionnaire and then return to go through the results.

The questionnaire was American and the questions were phrased really awkwardly. DH kept quiet and did it as did I.

When we returned DH had said yes to having thoughts about other men, being forced to go through with the marriage, not wanting children, having several addictions and so on. Twas so funny and worth it for the look on his face.

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 21/04/2011 16:54

You'd be shocked at how many do bunny

OP posts:

SpotsMumSally · 21/04/2011 16:55

YABU, completely pointless.

SpotsMumSally · 21/04/2011 16:57

Unless it's a very new relationship or haven't lived together before. I shouldn't be mandatory though.

nepenthe3 · 21/04/2011 16:57

We discussed jobs, money, children, finance, care of parents, and a few other life issues

I would like to think people in healthy relationship, between two thinking adults had the capability to discuss these things anyhow, and the very ability to do so (amongst other things) was already at the foundation of that loving relationship. I'm sure this sort of thing might be useful to some, it sounds a bit superfluous to requirements to my own relationship. I would hate to think of anything like this being compulsory - talk about nanny state!

5Foot5 · 21/04/2011 16:57

I don't think it should be mandatory but I think something along those lines is a good idea.

I read an article recently by the Chief Rabbi who said that when he has couples wanting to marry he sets them each a questionnaire covering many of the important decisions, priorities etc. Where couples get a low match in answers then that is often an indication that they haven't really thought things through and might not be suited. In fact, he asid he had some couples change their mind when they realised their incompatibilities on such important issues.

nepenthe3 · 21/04/2011 16:59

The only people I know who have done a 'pre-marriage' course (though the church) are know divorced. Just wanted to add that.

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