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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want my mother to visit less

55 replies

muminthemiddle · 21/04/2011 13:25

Ok this has been bothering me for some time now but have had my stress levels raised considerably this morning by it.

I am an only child and my mother is retired -she is 65 and on her own (she has been for years) I have never considered her to be a great mother, as a child I was much closer to my grandmother who I viewed as a mother.
Anyway my mother lives a short distance away say 2 miles if that. The problem is she is always, 4-5 times a week calling round mostly unannounced. She just turns up regardless and stays talking rubbish tbh.

When dh is in she drives him insane, she has never been a nice person and that is quite difficult for me to admit but I think it is true. The last time we invited her round for Sunday lunch she had a glass of wine and ended up being very nasty towards me in front of my dh and children. Afterwards I calmly confronted her about it and she denied it point blanc.

We visited her last weekend, at her request, and I was glad to leave. She spent the entire time stood at her kitchen window glaring at my ds (12) as he kicked a ball around in her huge garden. Comments she made included:
Don't you dare kick that ball against my garage wall
Don't kick that ball into my panseys
If you kick that ball over into xs garden, you will never see it again
Don't go near the hosepipe
Quite frankly I was on edge the whole time and in the end I said she was awful to ds who is not a naughty child by any standards. she was adamant in her response that I am overprotective towards ds. We then left.

Unfortunately the next day she called round, unannounced.
she came twice yesterday. I told her that we would see her after the weekend and she said she was going out today.
Anyway this morning who comes but her. I have told her not to just turn up and to ring me first. I have also said that we may want to go out, which is only partly true, the main reason is that I don;t enjoy her company and can only tolerate her in small doses.
My dh recently lost his job and we are under stress due to this. She has said twice to me that anyone who wants a job can get one. I have ignored her so far but AIBU to want to sit and relax during my Easter break without having to accomodate her.
I don't think she liked being told to ring first before she calls but I am seriously stressed out by her incessant visiting.

Sorry for long post. Any advice is welcolme!!!!!
BTW she seems not to understand the boundaries of other people's privacey.
thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Champersonice · 21/04/2011 13:29

OMG! Too long! Must admit I haven't read it all but here is my two-pennies worth:

Mum's can annoy etc, it's part of the job description but when I had my DD it got me to thinking...when the roles are reversed and it is ME that is annoying my DD in old age, I would still want her to love and visit me (or let me visit her).

jojowest · 21/04/2011 13:30

maybe she is lonely

IreneHeron · 21/04/2011 13:30

You are not being unreasonable. I'd say once a week is more than enough with someone like that. Can't really advise you as I've never been in that situation but I can't see a way around it without being very blunt to her. Sounds like she's probably either very thick skinned or will fall out with you. Poor you.

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 21/04/2011 13:31

I know Champersonice but hers the thing she has never once accepted a babysitting reqest without moaning!
She comes when she wants not when it is convienient for me/us I think that is what I am trying to say. And she gets me down. Hard to expalin but she is a very negative person and not someone who brightens my day.

OP posts:

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/04/2011 13:32

Mmm, a toughie....speaking as someone who has not long lost their mum and would dearly love a visit...but......your mum sounds like a nightmare!!

You def need to have some boundaries about not turning up unannounced - either that or get a peep hole and some great hiding places.

Families hey...we reap what we sow......I dont know the answer but I would say YANBU. Your mum does, however, sounds like quite a sad bitter person...has she many friends??? Get out much??? Sorry, I have nothing helpful to say

WriterofDreams · 21/04/2011 13:33

Wow she sounds like hard work! You seem to have great restraint - I'd have told her to F off long ago. If you want to keep seeing her it might be worth setting a specific time in the week and sticking to it. If she turns up at the door at another time turn her away. TBH though her nastiness to your DS would make me not want to see her at all.

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 21/04/2011 13:34

Thanks Ireneheron
You have hit the nail on the head. She doesn't seem to get that we don't mind her visiting but not 4-5 times per week, especially since she quite negative about my dh 9hence the job references and ds).
Would hide in the garden but she has taken to just walking in through the front door too!

OP posts:

Katisha · 21/04/2011 13:35

Basically you are enabling her here. she has got into a habit and you are letting her carry on.
Time to set some boundaries - won't be pleasant as she will kick up, but she does anyway so what's to lose.
What's to gain? You might get a better relationship with her if she realises she can't just come round and verbally abuse you constantly.
Your stress levels and those of DH will lower.
I think it's time to act.

corygal · 21/04/2011 13:36

Don't answer the bell if she rings over Easter. Screen calls. Better, go out. You can't get away with this forever, but feel no guilt about doing it for the bank holiday.

She's being unreasonable. And she sounds like a frightful old bird - yes, mothers are annoying, but this is too much.

FOr the future, try and work out the times when she drops in most and exit premises beforehand.

Champersonice · 21/04/2011 13:39

Well, Mum, I agree with Betty (sorry about your mum).

I sometimes think that although I may moan about my mum, when she dies, I know I will wish back all her annoying habits just to have her here.

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 21/04/2011 13:40

Thanks for the replies.
Last week we were all going out and 3 times I had to virtually tell her to leave! She just sat there until I said "Right you will have to go now as we are going out".

I know I am lucky to have a mother but God I wish I had a more normal one and prey to God that I don't turn out like her. She doesn't have many friends and I have tried to encourage her to go out and join clubs.
I do feel that being an only child hightens the problem as all the burden falls on me to entertain her as it were.
That is one of the reasons I had 3 children because I didn't want them to feel the burden like I always have.

OP posts:

Katisha · 21/04/2011 13:41

While I have every sympathy for those who have lost parents, I think this relationship is in every danger of utterly souring, if it hasn't already.
the remedy is not to let her call teh shots and invade people's provacy willy-nilly. For this relationship to have any chance of survival reasonable boundaries have to be set.
I wouldn't go for the hiding approach, although you may have to do a bit of that, but to talk to her and explain. And then act on it. she will be huffy.

Animation · 21/04/2011 13:41

I think you need to get it down to at least once a week.

You only positive people around you right now. She's very negative isn't she.

Champersonice · 21/04/2011 13:44

I feel for you, I really do. My mum suffers with a mental illness and it can be very tiresome, amongst other emotions. I just know that I am who I am because of her, I never want my daughter to feel animosity towards me in the future like I have felt towards my own mum, and lastly, deep down I love my mum and will miss her like nothing else when she dies.

BaadRobot · 21/04/2011 13:44

YANBU. I could have written your exact post myself unfortunately.

My mother is exactly the same. I too have tried telling her to call or text before she comes round. The first time, she text to say she would be at my door in 30 seconds. The second time she actually gave me 20 mins notice. Then she stopped and went back to just turning up unannounced whenever she feels like it.

It is unbelievably disruptive as I run my business from home and work all day. She will come in and say "I can see you're busy so won't stay long" then will make herself a coffee and sit here for 2 hours ranting about all sorts that doesn't concern me, making me unable to concentrate and have to stop working. I regularly lose up to 10 hours a week of work because of this!

She is constantly making 'picky' remarks to me and my DD, stupid things like "your teatowels are a bit grey, you ought to give them a wash" (tea towels had just come out of the wash and were on the clothes-horse!) Or if I tell my DD she can have a packet of crisps, mother might undermine me and say no she can't. If I say "I'm her mum, if she wants them she can have them" she'll reply with "well I'M her grandmother, I out-rank you"....drives me mad!!

My mother is also someone I can only bear in small doses, I didn't have a very good upbringing by her, yet she thinks she did a marvellous job!!

I don't have any advice I'm afraid, except maybe to read the Toxic Parents book. It has helped me learn how to deal with her a bit better.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack · 21/04/2011 13:45

Thanks Champers (we must stop meeting like this )

Mum I only have one kid...must make a note not to be a total PITA when I am older! My mum was bloody fantastic and if I turn out half as good as she was then I wont have done too bad!

Feel a bit sorry for your mum (in a warped way) - she sounds very lonely!

Original poster

muminthemiddle · 21/04/2011 13:47

Thanks for understanding.
Yes this morning I could feel myself becoming agitated towards her and the kids just because of her presence. Like I said she is very negative, she sees only the bad in everyone.
Think I am going to take the bull by the horns and if she does come in the next few days tell her I had asked her top phone first, although she will not like it.
Both dh and myself have decided not to take the kids visiting for a while after her outburst with ds. Tbh she is so thick skinned need tactics for turning her away........any ideas?

OP posts:

EricNorthmansMistress · 21/04/2011 13:47

Move?

Katisha · 21/04/2011 13:51

Tactics? If she is thick skinned she wont get subtle hints.
You just have to say please stopped constantly dropping in unannounced.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 21/04/2011 13:51

I couldnt put up with that. Step MIL tried it for a while, just turning up whenever she felt like it, even if i had friends round etc, very annoying - and we get on so god knows how you cope!

I got slatted blinds across the front of the house and tilted them so i still had lots of light but she couldnt see in and i locked the doors! Oh, i turned the telly up too, so when they called DH on the night to say theyd been round i did the whole, 'i thought Id heard someone knocking but was in the bath/telly was loud so not sure, wasnt expecting any one, bell me next time to arrange a more convenient time, please'

Its a pain in the arse but you need to set up some boundries

LaWeasel · 21/04/2011 13:51

I don't think YABU.

I told my mum not to visit without calling first. She was upset about it - but actually, that is her issue, not mine - it's not at all unreasonable to want advanced warning of a visitor, or to want the opportunity to say no if it's inconvenient.

I was much happier with this arrangement.

Now I live two hours away.

I highly recommend this.

I find the further I live away the less she can be bothered to even call and criticise me, compared to the temptation of me being only a few miles away and around to be treated like rubbish.

Champersonice · 21/04/2011 13:55

Betty, it has been quite a few threads, hasn't it??

Mum, it has got to be so tough on you but be careful because our children pick up on our feelings very quickly. You say she is thick-skinned, so then I suggest a real heart-to-heart with her, just you and her. Try not to let tempers flare - easier said than done!

I think by only having one child and now being alone, your mum has come to depend on you. Maybe this is not so, but tread carefully.

And good luck!

Animation · 21/04/2011 13:55

You've got to think of your own mental state - and you need to be on good form when you're looking after kids. Her behaviour and negativity is quite draining and not good for you, and you're not responsible for her if she choses not to make friends.

I think she has some narcissistic traits as well.

BaadRobot · 21/04/2011 13:57

Oh LaWeasel I wish we had the money to move away as far as you have! I actually mentioned to my mother the other week that me and DH would like to move out of town some day, and she actually told me I'm not to move out of the county!

She's seems to have conveniently forgotten that she moved several counties away from her parents first chance she got, then moved several counties away from her own children...I know it's an awful thing to say but I wish she hadn't come back. I was much happier without her.

blubell · 21/04/2011 13:57

You are not being unreasonable. I could of written what you have, our mothers sound very similar. I have the added complication that I have now moved abroad so my mum just thinks "free holidays!" and tries to turn up for weeks :( I really don't have a good relationship with my mum, we have many issues, but even so it's so difficult to be ruthless as all I've ever wanted is a mum..... However you need to put yourself and your family first, you all need to be happy, not just your mum. You've got to be brave and firm and set some rules and stick to them. Tough I know but your mum seems to speak her mind so so should you. Not nastily, just firmly. Choose set times when you will be available and let her know if she turns up and you're not. If you're going out then say "sorry mum but we're off out". Maybe she is just lost in her new circumstances, maybe you could help her find some new directions? Voluntary work? A hobby? Lifes too short to be stressed or miss out on having your mum AND your family.

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