To want my mother to visit less

[muminthemiddle]

Ok this has been bothering me for some time now but have had my stress levels raised considerably this morning by it.

I am an only child and my mother is retired -she is 65 and on her own (she has been for years) I have never considered her to be a great mother, as a child I was much closer to my grandmother who I viewed as a mother.
Anyway my mother lives a short distance away say 2 miles if that. The problem is she is always, 4-5 times a week calling round mostly unannounced. She just turns up regardless and stays talking rubbish tbh.

When dh is in she drives him insane, she has never been a nice person and that is quite difficult for me to admit but I think it is true. The last time we invited her round for Sunday lunch she had a glass of wine and ended up being very nasty towards me in front of my dh and children. Afterwards I calmly confronted her about it and she denied it point blanc.

We visited her last weekend, at her request, and I was glad to leave. She spent the entire time stood at her kitchen window glaring at my ds (12) as he kicked a ball around in her huge garden. Comments she made included:
Don't you dare kick that ball against my garage wall
Don't kick that ball into my panseys
If you kick that ball over into xs garden, you will never see it again
Don't go near the hosepipe
Quite frankly I was on edge the whole time and in the end I said she was awful to ds who is not a naughty child by any standards. she was adamant in her response that I am overprotective towards ds. We then left.

Unfortunately the next day she called round, unannounced.
she came twice yesterday. I told her that we would see her after the weekend and she said she was going out today.
Anyway this morning who comes but her. I have told her not to just turn up and to ring me first. I have also said that we may want to go out, which is only partly true, the main reason is that I don;t enjoy her company and can only tolerate her in small doses.
My dh recently lost his job and we are under stress due to this. She has said twice to me that anyone who wants a job can get one. I have ignored her so far but AIBU to want to sit and relax during my Easter break without having to accomodate her.
I don't think she liked being told to ring first before she calls but I am seriously stressed out by her incessant visiting.

Sorry for long post. Any advice is welcolme!!!!!
BTW she seems not to understand the boundaries of other people's privacey.
thanks for reading.

She does sound lonely, but it sounds so one sided.

It´s all on her terms & tbh, that just isn´t on, is it.

OP-is there something that you could do together or somewhere that you could go together that you would both enjoy?

BaadRobot-I am relieved it isn't just me who has a mother like this!

I thought I was going to get slated for my post but she is stressiong me out. she tells me the same drivel everytime I see her. Such as "I bought a lettuce in the Co-op it cost x amount" she will tell me this 3 times at least.
I said she could come and do a bit of gardening at my house (whilst I am at work lol) to give her something to do, but oh no that would be too helpful. she is quite happy to sit in my garden whittering on about how it needs weeding and the lawn cutting but never, ever offers to do anything which will help us out.

I can't bear to be around my mum if she is drinking. She's an alcoholic who won't admit it and then doesn't remember what she has done. My gran died 22 months ago and I really miss my gran as she was the gran who made up for my mum.

Although saying that I would say that your mum is becoming like my gran to my mum and dad. Lonely when my Granpa died that she clung to them and had no friends so it resulted in her just turning up and spending hours there. The minute my mum does that, I think we'll move.

I'd love to have the relationship with my mum that quite a few friends have but I know it won't happen.

Diddl-
I did offer to take her out for her birthday but she got a better offer lol.

We did use to do more together but tbh my ds does not want to come with her and tbh I cannot blame him after the way she can be with him. She is more understanding with my dds. On our last visit she gave dd2 2 chocolate biscuits. After seeing them my ds asked if he too could have some. She started shouting at him. My dh even commented to me that she is unhinged and nasty, hence my conversation with her about how she treats ds.

But nothing seems to alter her behaviour.

Don't really want to move as we do like our house. I might have to start locking the doors but then I will also have to lock the gates so she cannot get around the side and back of the house as well. This will be a pita as my kids use the back of the house to get in and out when playing and I will feel like a bloody prisoner but might have to do it.

Just goes to show...you can pick your friends but not your family!!!

My dads aunt used to love little boys but hated little girls for some strange reason, hated my sister and I but loved my bro......my poor mum was bamboozled into letting her live with us for a couple of years and she was a really nasty old cow...my sister used to leave toy cars on the stairs hoping she would trip over ...my mum repeatedly asked her not to smoke in her bedroom and the final straw was her setting her bedroom curtains on fire!!!!!! She was shipped off into an old folks home pretty sharpish after that and no one was at all sad when she died......

The way I see it the OP needs to create much more distance for the sake of her own sanity - she says her mum isn't a nice person, and the fact that the mum is lonely isn't something the OP should take on her shoulders. This woman is only 65 - an adult in her own right and quite capable of taking charge of her own social life.

You reap what you sow in life - and if you don't treat people nicely you will end up on your own and lonely - and obviously she needs to do some work on herself. In the meantime I think the OP needs space and low contact with her.

Muminthemiddle - are you my sister?!

I can't believe you wrote about her saying repeatedly how much a lettuce cost, I got the run down of the entire shopping list twice in one visit the other week!! How she'd bought it all from Aldi and how much it cost compared to how much each item cost in Morrisons! Drives you potty doesn't it.

Mine refuses to get out and make friends (she hasn't any, not one, wonder why), refuses to do voluntary work, is not yet at retirement age, hates being on Jobseekers but moans when they try to help her find a job

Yes my mother never offers to help with anything either, she's more happy to sit here and moan about me, my DD, the world...whilst expecting me to drop everything the instant she needs help with something.

I also don't like the obvious favouritism of the grandson over the granddaughter (another Narcissistic trait) - not very healthy for either child!

BaadRobot- I think you are my soulmate!

Yes my mother will then tell me what she ate with the lettuce, not once or twice but at least 3 times! "Oh I bought a lettuce for x amount in the co-op. I had it with some tomatoes and cucumber which I bought in Sainsburys for x amount. I saved 10p, because cucumbers cost x amount in the co-op."
If dh is in he will roll his eyes and I know he is thinking I don't care how much your bloody lettuce cost, I didn't care the first time you told me and I certainly don't care after telling me another twice.
Sounds hilarious written down but terribly draining in the flesh.

Oh I have also mentioned voluntary work for her. I saw an advertisement in a local charity shop for a few hours a day but she won't do it.

my mum is like that, i assume she just chatters on because she lives alone and has no one else to talk to, so i just tune out a little bit and nod and answer in appropriate places

i think its pretty cruel for your OH to roll his eyes - my OH would never be so rude, he just engages with her in conversation he knows she likes, such as tv progs, films, news etc. Maybe your mother gets bored with your wittering on about your kids, your work, your husband

one of these days you might be living alone and like some conversation - i hope people, especially your children, dont roll their eyes when you turn up :(

Yes it really does seem quite funny written down, but at the time it's really stressful. Every time she leaves my house I have to go in my bedroom and have a bit of a swear!! She just makes me want to scream. My blood pressure feels like it goes right up as soon as I know she's at the door. My DD and DH can't bear her either. We put up with it at the moment as we have no choice (she's only down the street from us!) but as soon as we can afford to move, we'll be gone and I'd like to have no contact at all at some point. She'll still have my sister near-ish (she gets on better with her).

Jojowest - there is a difference between a lonely old lady and a toxic parent who has treated you very badly as a child and who continues into your adulthood, and then with your children. I have a fantastic relationship with my DD personally.

JoJowest-Well if she gets bored then why is she always here?
My dh is very understanding under the circumstances.
My mother is not understanding at all hence her lack of awareness that she is infringing on my privacy.
She has been nasty about dh loosing his job.
Her response to my mentioning a friend of dh whom she knows and who is seriuosly ill was" Isn't he dead yet?"
On my mentioning how sad it was about Amanda Holden losing her baby she snapped "I don't like her, she was a bitch to Les Dennis".
She has in the past referred to my uncle as an alcoholic layabout. just because he likes to go to the pub on a Sunday afternoon.
Every time I try and make conversation with her I get a response like this.
Yes one day I will be old but I hope to still have a husband and children who love me and think I was a good mother. I also will try hard not to be nasty and spiteful about their spouses and children.
Btw my father isn't dead she just drove him away.
I have spoken to dh many times about my fears of turning into her and he assures me I am not like her.

Btw my father isn't dead she just drove him away.

Sorry for the typos.

"Sounds hilarious written down but terribly draining in the flesh."

That´s it, isn´t it?

Having to spend time with someone whose company you don´t enjoy it´s soul destroying.

My ILs are "harmless enough".

But they never have anything to say about anything & expect it all to come from us.

And it was bloody knackering!

And they wouldn´t be content to let the children be if they were playing happily-had to be doing something or rebliding the lego to make it "better"

Visits with them have always been a duty.

My husbands loves them-they are his parents-but he doesn´t enjoy time with them.

And tbh, when they´ve gone, I don´t think he´ll regret that he didn´t spend more time with them.

"I assume she just chatters on because she lives alone.."

JoJowest - well that's a nice cumfy euphemism you've conjured up there! It couches very nicely some seriously bad (toxic) behaviour by this 65 year old women - who also isn't some little old frail lady either - the same age as Helen Mirren!

My mum annoies me, upsets me, causes disquiet in our home, etc etc. She has done this for years and many many times I have said I will stop seeing her as she makes so many hurtful comments. Infact in my early 20s I stopped seeing her for 2 years.

However, I now look at her and see an old lady - she is 71 with ill health. She is still hurtful and unthoughtful. However, I know that I will only have her for a few more years.

We all only have 1 mum.

"We only have 1 mum"

Whoa, that's an emotionally loaded statement!

What does it mean?

Does it excuse or negate toxic behaviour and the real harm done because a person also happens to be a mum?

Does one have a responsibility to take care of one-self and protect children from this kind of person or does anything go because they are your mum?

We all only have 1 mum".

Thank God.

Pingu sorry to hear that your mum is in ill health, and I agree that we all only have one mum - but in my opinion, some women just weren't cut out to be mothers. That may sound harsh, but that's the stuff my mother has done to me speaking. She came back here to live a few years ago after having very little to do with her children for many years, and when she did have something to do with us, she constantly let us down. She uprooted me without warning when I was quite small and then a few months later she dumped me. She says she came back here to be with her children/grandchildren. But in reality she came back because no one else wanted her, she had pushed away all her friends. She is so very difficult to get along with.

I can't tell you how much of my life I have spent desperately wishing for a proper mum who genuinely loved and cared about me. How much of my life I have wasted trying to change her. No more. I have my own family to think about and I have seen that it is MY reactions to HER behaviour that need to change and this is what I'm working on now. She will never change. She makes my life hell and has caused me untold amounts of stress, that has made me ill.

So yes, we all have only one mum. Personally I was better off when she wasn't in my life.

We do only have one mum but what if that mum is a bad one???

I am lucky, my mum was bloody fab but not all mums are sadly...some are shit! Not everyone is a natural parent and I am such a firm believer that we really can fuck our kids up if we get it wrong.

Dave Peltzer - a child called it - look at his mum, what a poor excuse for a human being. Of course, not saying OP's mum is like that, not by a long chalk, but being a mum doesnt mean our kids will automatically love us!!

OP, your mum sounds tiresome, draining and just down right frustrating!! You need to just do right by your lovely immediate family and not let her drag you down anymore, def not your poor DS who must be bewildered by the whole thing.

I do feel for you, this whole thread has just got me thinking about my lovely mum again, thinking how I miss her, how wonderful she was, and how come she wasnt spared..but thats another story!!

Hope you get something sorted soon xx

Betty, I'm so sorry for your loss, your mum sounds amazing x

It's also far healthier to 'love' a mum like this from a distance.