To want my mother to visit less

[muminthemiddle]

Ok this has been bothering me for some time now but have had my stress levels raised considerably this morning by it.

I am an only child and my mother is retired -she is 65 and on her own (she has been for years) I have never considered her to be a great mother, as a child I was much closer to my grandmother who I viewed as a mother.
Anyway my mother lives a short distance away say 2 miles if that. The problem is she is always, 4-5 times a week calling round mostly unannounced. She just turns up regardless and stays talking rubbish tbh.

When dh is in she drives him insane, she has never been a nice person and that is quite difficult for me to admit but I think it is true. The last time we invited her round for Sunday lunch she had a glass of wine and ended up being very nasty towards me in front of my dh and children. Afterwards I calmly confronted her about it and she denied it point blanc.

We visited her last weekend, at her request, and I was glad to leave. She spent the entire time stood at her kitchen window glaring at my ds (12) as he kicked a ball around in her huge garden. Comments she made included:
Don't you dare kick that ball against my garage wall
Don't kick that ball into my panseys
If you kick that ball over into xs garden, you will never see it again
Don't go near the hosepipe
Quite frankly I was on edge the whole time and in the end I said she was awful to ds who is not a naughty child by any standards. she was adamant in her response that I am overprotective towards ds. We then left.

Unfortunately the next day she called round, unannounced.
she came twice yesterday. I told her that we would see her after the weekend and she said she was going out today.
Anyway this morning who comes but her. I have told her not to just turn up and to ring me first. I have also said that we may want to go out, which is only partly true, the main reason is that I don;t enjoy her company and can only tolerate her in small doses.
My dh recently lost his job and we are under stress due to this. She has said twice to me that anyone who wants a job can get one. I have ignored her so far but AIBU to want to sit and relax during my Easter break without having to accomodate her.
I don't think she liked being told to ring first before she calls but I am seriously stressed out by her incessant visiting.

Sorry for long post. Any advice is welcolme!!!!!
BTW she seems not to understand the boundaries of other people's privacey.
thanks for reading.

BaadRobot - thank you and yes she was - she was the best ever, her whole being was about her kids, she loved us with every bone in her body and would have done anything for us.......how a mum should be I guess and hopefully the mum I am to my son xx

I think you need to set some boundaries with her if at all possible. There has to be a compromise here.

Aaagh, I feel for you muminthemiddle. You have to set clear boundaries but you have to have the difficult conversation: "Mum - you and I are going to fall out if ...."

Stop her coming round all the time, but take her out for treats occasionally. (ie, reward good behaviour!). Make her feel valued when you are with her but really limit those visits!

My mum was the same and I swore I wouldn't do to my daughter (who lives round the corner!) what she did to me. Nevertheless, I still sometimes get the feeling that my DD would prefer it if I lived in a cupboard, available for her to take out when she needs me and shut me up when she doesn't!

I'm afraid the harsh reality is that we love our children more than they love us!

She clearly needs some boundaries ASAP.
Tell her you are busy and your husband is at home searching for work. Take the key off her if she has one. If not, keep the door locked. When she shows up, stand at the door, tell her its not a good time for you and that you will call her late - do not let her in. Stand there at the door until she leaves, and repeat its not a good time for you all until she gets the message.

She doesn't sound like she gets subtle hints, so you will have to be tough.
Its not like she is scared of speaking her mind, why should you be? She is steamrolling you and you are being made miserable, and its causing stress in your marriage. Don't let her do this anymore.

muminthemiddle - definitely lock the door so that she cant walk in. We have had to start doing this again as in-laws have forgotten that the doorbell has a function. Years ago in a different house we put in a fence and a gate to stop the in-laws just wandering round to the back and in through the kitchen door.

BTW we love them just need to have some boundaries.

In your case I think you need to start being firm with your DM. Decide a day on which you are happy for her to call round unannounced but make very clear that on other days you are doing 'other things' (unspecified). If it doesnt suit you then dont let her in the house (a foot behind the door to stop it being pushed open). Dont apologise, dont explain, dont engage.

I'm afraid that being old doesnt make people nice.