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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So what do we think of a bloke who......

78 replies

farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 19/04/2011 18:48

borrows and spends £200 for ONE DAY on the piss! Is this a man who is being a good Father? and putting his kids first?

He spends all his wages in the first week of being paid and contributes as little as he can get away with to the running of the home. If his wife says anything he lays into her calling her "greedy" and a "money grabber". He gives her approximately one third of his wages to pay all bills, food, clothes etc. He keeps the rest for his social life and when he runs out comes back to her to borrow out of the third that he has given her so she never actually has the full amount. She is not struggling excessively but life could be an awful lot better for everyone if he stopped doing this. He is, apparently, fully entitled to do this as he is the wage earner.

So what do we think of this man because I am going to show him this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 19/04/2011 19:14

He is not reliable for childcare. If a better offer came up he would just do that and justify it to himself. He can justify anything and it's usually her fault for being so boring, greedy, a nag and so on.

OP posts:
Original poster
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 19/04/2011 19:16

Thanks for all your replies, going to show this to her. I know a load of people on here pointing out how crap my own situation was, really helped me to see clearly and gave me the strength to get out of it. Maybe it will do the same for her [fingers crossed emoticon].

OP posts:
TheCrackFox · 19/04/2011 19:16

If he can't be trusted to look after his own children then the marriage sounds fucked.

bosch · 19/04/2011 19:17

Surely that's why she should leave him?

Might be able to tolerate the money and the laying into her (well, probably not actually) but 'he is not reliable for childcare'?

That's why she has to leave/chuck him out.

bittersweetvictory · 19/04/2011 19:17

if shes got a disabled child then she should be getting DLA and carers allowance which is about £115 a week or more if the child is severly disabled so she cant be short of cash but still thing that hes a controling arsehole and she would be better off on her own.

unfitmother · 19/04/2011 19:17

Great it's not you op!
Just to clarity does she have a disabled child or do they?

squeakytoy · 19/04/2011 19:18

Fark, I would be very very careful of getting too involved in it all. It could very easily backfire right at you if he does leave. By all means help her, but tread gently.

SardineQueen · 19/04/2011 19:19

The recommendation is that she work all day looking after her child/ren, one of whom is disabled, and then work evenings and weekends as well?

Sounds like a recipe for a nervous breakdown TBH.

Original poster
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 19/04/2011 19:19

I honestly think he has argued so much with her about every tiny little grievance, managing to turn it back on her that she doesnt know if she is coming or going. She defends him by saying stuff like "well I do go on at him a bit" and "he does work full time" to justify him not doing jack all to help out with dc and housework. Quelle suprise he does nothing round the house either, not a thing.

OP posts:
northerngirl41 · 19/04/2011 19:20

To be honest, if the money's spare, why not?

People always assume that well paid jobs are easy - they aren't. If they were easy everyone would do them! They often include stress, time away from home, doing really unpleasant stuff etc. I reckon a bit of cool off time and letting off some steam after that sort of job is actually a good thing for the family. My DH in work mode is unbearable. £200? A mere trifle in my DH's long line of till receipts... That's lunch for him on a good day! LOL!

Calling her a money grabber and effectively trapping her at home whilst he goes out though are not on at all though - that's the bit which is wrong.

SardineQueen · 19/04/2011 19:20

He sounds like a selfish arsehole BTW.

Original poster
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 19/04/2011 19:21

No DLA or CA as yet, in the pipeline though, which although will be a good thing, worries even more as it will just be more money for him to borrow.....and even less reason for him to give her any of his wages. It is both their child.

OP posts:
TethersEnd · 19/04/2011 19:21

She is working.

She is looking after their children, enabling her husband to work outside of the home.

She needs to present him with an invoice for the childcare and cleaning/cooking she provides, then he can pay that before deciding how much money he has to socialise.

Original poster
farkthatforagameofsoldiers · 19/04/2011 19:21

The money is not definitely NOT SPARE.

OP posts:
BlueFergie · 19/04/2011 19:39

It doesn't matter how much he earns and if he can afford it or whether or not the money he 'gives' her is enough to cover the bills easily or not. That is largely irrelevant to the discussion.

The point is he controls all the finances and gives her a third of wages to cover all the household expenses and outgoings. He then spends the rest. So he is spending twice as much on himself alone as the rest of the family has between them and keeping the home going. How the fuck is that fair?
My DH works hard. He does long hours and gets well paid. If he pissed away two thirds of his salary on himself any month I would be fucking furious. That money is mine as much as it is. I work every hour he does and then some because I am still going while he is commuting. He knows this and respects it, because he is decent human being . We have a budget we stick to it and the surplus money goes on agreed extras.

OP - this is a bullshit situation. If you posted this in relationships (which you should be the way as some in AIBU take pleasure in just being contrary) you would be told this is financial abuse. Which it is.

RunAwayWife · 19/04/2011 19:45

He is a a wanker plane and simple

northerngirl41 · 19/04/2011 19:47

farkthatforagameofsoldiers: "He gives her approximately one third of his wages to pay all bills, food, clothes etc." / "The money is not definitely NOT SPARE."

So he has 2/3rds of his wage left after giving her money which she uses to run the household, and she's managing on that, despite him also borrowing off her too. 2/3rds is therefore spare.

How that 2/3rds gets spent is of course, down to the couple. There will be people who think that it should be split 50:50 - he's got his play money, she has hers.

However my argument is that the stress relief of blowing the cash actually allows him to do his job well and stay in the job in order to bring in that salary - it is a cost of doing business, rather like petrol for the car, a suit for work etc.

If she really hates the situation that much, she needs to be prepared to go out and get a job which pays all the household bills and let's him stay at home.

My hubby earns a lot more than me, but we contribute equally to the running of the household - therefore he has loads more cash to spare at the end of each month than me, but he uses it to blow off steam, which I don't need to do because my job is much lower stress than his. I don't see it as "my" money or even "our" money - it's his money, he earned it. If I want more money then it's up to me to go earn it. If that means juggling childcare, then I would organise that because it's me who wants more money and have changed the status quo.

Chrysanthemum5 · 19/04/2011 19:47

Sounds like my dad he was an abusive twat. Gave mum half his wages to run the house, feed and clothe 5 children etc then once he'd spent his half he'd hit her until she gave him money. Your sister needs to understand there is nothing she can do to change him and it won't get any better.

Mum couldn't leave as she had no where to turn (we're talking about the 70s) your sister has options and for the sake of her children she needs to take them.

SardineQueen · 19/04/2011 19:56

northerngirl I wrote a long post in response to you but I decided not to post it as I think you are being deliberately inflammatory.

TheCrackFox · 19/04/2011 19:59

Northerngirl - how do you suggest she gets a job when he can't be rellied on to look after his own children and most CMs and nurseries can't/won't look after disabled children? Confused

He is being financially abusive

TBH your arrangement sunds more like flatmates with extras. What happens to your relationship if one of you gets ill/depressed/made redundant? Will you still stick to your mine and his money policy?

EricNorthmansMistress · 19/04/2011 20:13

northerngirl
what works for you is fine but it's not working for this couple. The guy gives 1/3 of his wages to the house then asks for it back when he has pissed away all his money. He spends £200 in a day of borrowed money getting pissed. He would not stay in to look after the DCs and enable the wife to work if a better offer came along. He verbally abuses his wife if she asks for money for the household expenses!

This is not a decent, hard working man blowing off steam!

Fucking hell, sometimes posters are so concerned to defend a position in which they see a reflection of their own life that they fail to see the reality. It's pretty clear in this case though!

HipHopOpotomus · 19/04/2011 20:33

Sounds like a bachelor to me, not a family person sf all. And a jerk with it.

ZhenXiang · 19/04/2011 20:34

Message from my DH - 'I am a SAHD, I stay at home and look after my DD and I am horrified that a man could do and say such things. My wife works, but our income is shared, it is ours. If I worked our income would be shared and it would be ours. The only people who are being disenfranchised by this man's selfishness are his wife and his children. If his wife is lazy and greedy, why is he married to her? If he feels this way surely he should seek a divorce and find somebody more suitable for him rather than undermine her self-esteem. Does he think the pub is a more worthy beneficiary of his income than his own children?!! He is not only a terrible husband, but a god-awful father and it hurts me that in this day in age some men are acting this way and giving men like me a bad name. It's embarrassing to hear of men behaving this way. Just wanted to give a male point of view.'
ZX's DH

northerngirl41 · 19/04/2011 20:49

TheCrackFox We both have insurance to cover those situations - we've had it for years, and there is no way I'd have had kids without it, because being self-employed, no-one picks up our tab.

I said that the attitude he displays is not acceptable, but the money itself isn't the problem here, since the OP has expained that the bills are being taken care of.

Why does she let him borrow the money if she needs it? Again, the attitude towards the money is the problem, not the money itself.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 19/04/2011 20:52

He's a selfish arse.

He's a crap husband.

He's a shit dad.

She'd be better off without him.