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AIBU?

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Original poster

To Think This Woman Deserves All She Gets?

57 replies

judgeyoldtrout · 18/04/2011 15:05

In a way, at least.

Someone I know has been having an affair with her boss at work, a married man, for 9 years. She is single, having left her DH (apparently) a short while prior to the affair beginning and has two DC aged 13 and 17.

The married man has been spending 3 nights a week, plus some weekends with this woman, who has aksed him to leave his wife numerous times, with the excuse usually that he couldn't because of his DC. They havbe split numerous times when he refused to leave and always started the affair again after a short period.

Last year his wife found out and rang his 'other womans' house calling her names. He ended it, then again they started seeing each other soon after. He then moved in with the other woman a few weeks ago, saying after almost a week he needed to go and sort something out at 'home' and would be back later. He never came back, only ringing later to say that he wouldn't be coming back, was in the car with his wife (on speakerphone) and as his DC (now almost grown up) now knew about the affair and wouldn't speak to him, him and his wife were going on holiday for a week and he wouldn't be back at work as he was leaving the company.

A week later, the bigger boss came in to work and told the 'other woman' that her boss would not be leaving and this made things very difficult at work now. She is worried she may lose her job.

I don't see how they can force her to leave and I do feel somewhat sorry for her, but a part of me really believes she's only reaping what she's sown. Her DC, particularly the younger one have built relationships with this man and she has allowed him to play a huge part in their lives. They always knew he was married, but they are obviously upset by all this.

OP posts:
onehotmomma · 18/04/2011 15:44

personally I think his wife and your friend are complete idiots to have kept taking him back Hmm

RogerMelly · 18/04/2011 15:45

that's what i think hecate

BlueFergie · 18/04/2011 15:47

I agree with GiddyPickle.

She has got what she deserved through the ending of the realtionship and being stupid enought to allow this low life into her children's lifes.

She absoloutly does not deserve to lose her job for this (unless there is a serious breach of company rules in which case he should be let go as well) She should seek legal advice about that.

Mishy1234 · 18/04/2011 15:50

Yes, the man is the one who was cheating, but she also knew he was married and chose to have a relationship with him anyway.

No, I don't think she deserves (or will) to lose her job, but it might be very uncomfortable for her to continue. If I were her I'd be looking for something else, but that's easier said than done in this economic climate.

It's a great pity that there are children involved as they don't deserve to be hurt.

Bogeyface · 18/04/2011 15:51

It seems to me that he didnt ever love the OW and this idea that he has been cornered into staying with his wife doesnt hold water.

He only ever did anything meaningful with this OW when his wife found out about the affair and when she clicked her fingers he went straight back to her. Those are not the actions of a man who is in love with his mistress, he would take advantage of the fact that he had already moved out and stay with the OW. His kids are grown up so he doesnt need to stay for their sake. But he didnt, he just rang the OW saying she was dumped and that he was going on holiday with his wife, hardly the actions of a caring man, even if his wife was pushing all the buttons. I am sure that he could have found a way of contacting her without his wife being there if he really wanted to, a man who can keep an affair going must be an expert in covert phonecalls!

He is staying with his wife because he wants to and the OW should have seen this coming for years. If he hadnt left within the first few months its because he was never going to. He wants it all ways and will probably sort things out with his wife and then start sniffing around the OW again with more lies and promises he will soon break.

She deserves to feel a bit of what his wife has had to put up with all these years imo, and I hope that his shitty treatment of her has made her realise the part she had to play in his wifes pain. But she doesnt deserve to be sacked for it, although it is a lesson to anyone thinking of shagging the boss!

ChippingInLovesEasterEggs · 18/04/2011 15:58

knittedbreast, as usual, you are full of shite.

I can't be arsed with all the ins and outs of who is in the wrong and who deserves what, however, this has nothing to do with her job so shouldn't affect it at all, if he wants to leave that's his call, but she shouldn't be forced out of her job.

Fimbo · 18/04/2011 16:01

I agree with catchmeifyoucan, you are she aren't you, OP?

NinkyNonker · 18/04/2011 16:03

I agree you should never get involved with a 'taken' person. But why should it be ok for him to stay at work, why is it more her problem?

empirestateofmind · 18/04/2011 16:07

I feel sorry for all the children involved.

BaronessOrczy · 18/04/2011 16:11

He sounds incredibly weak to me, tbh. Have an affair, deny the consequences, run away from the fall out.

If anyone deserves to go, it's him.

But why do you care so much, OP? You do sound rather overly delighted and Heat Magazineish about it.

TheyKnowEsperanto · 18/04/2011 16:19

Agree with Hecate also she should not be losing her job over this. Would be a v strong case for direct sex discrimination if she did so Big Boss needs to watch his step. If the cheating twat was her superior, the case is even stronger. She should check her mortgage/ credit cards for legal expenses cover and seek some legal advice.

nulliusxinxverbax · 18/04/2011 16:38

She absolutely deserves all and anything she gets.

But should be the same for him, and I hope he gets his comeuppance aswell.

Women who knowingly have affairs with married men are scum of the earth and I cant believe anybody would feel an ounce of sympathy.

Both women are weak for putting up with him aswell. Hopefully both the woman and the guy get fired.

knittedbreast · 18/04/2011 16:46

it must be a great view from up high on your pedestals! none of us know them, none of us are any of the three of the them. so actually even if the op was the wife she still wouldnt have the full picture!

its so easy to blame any one person, its much more likely to be a mixture of things going wrong for wife, hubby and mistress.

jeckadeck · 18/04/2011 16:53

Nobody comes out of this smelling like roses: the man is clearly a grade A Arse for stringing along and lying to two women, his wife needs to grow a pair and the other woman sounds like she has been deluding herself for the best part of a decade with a fantasy so cheesy that most women would smell it a mile off. But without knowing the characters involved and their feelings for one another its almost impossible for us to form judgments. What I don't get is why you are sufficiently preoccupied over this sad little story to be a) posting on it and b) expecting random MNers who don't know the people from Adam and Eve to pronounce on it. Or am I missing the point?

mamatomany · 18/04/2011 16:57

They will pay her off to get rid, that's what happened at my last work place, £9k the tart woman got to leave quietly.

CarefulWithThatAxeEugene · 18/04/2011 17:08

Don't see what difference it makes if they have split up so many times before. What's new?

Original poster
judgeyoldtrout · 18/04/2011 18:29

The OW concerned is a family member, so whilst that doesn't make it any of my business as such, I do have a vested emotional interest in the DC concerned. The older DC has never liked this man and is always relieved when he goes and the younger DC has now been given some of the man's things, so I am slightly concerned that if/when he comes back, the DC will be made to return these (expensive) items and be disappointed. That would be similar to what has happened before.

I do agree she shouldn't lose her job over this, but presumably as he is most valuble to the company that would be why if anyone were to go it would be her, although I understand legally they cannot sack her for it. I can't imagine his wife will be happy for him to keep working with her. Apparently he left his last company after shagging his secretary and both his wife and OW are/have always been aware of this.

I do agree he is an utter shit and that both the OW and his wife are mugs for putting up with it.

I realise I'm being especially judgey about this (hence the name change!) but the OW involved has for years been making out she is some sort of victim (as she does about everything) and I find it extremely hard to feel sympathy for her.

OP posts:
droopypoppies · 18/04/2011 18:43

I can understand how you feel a little OP. I used to be friends with a woman but fell out with her because she was seeing a married man and had been for over a decade. I spoke to my friend about it, and amongst other things that totally changed my opinion of her, she said that she 'didn't give a shit about his wife's feelings' 'I want married man and if his wife and her daughter loses their home because married man leaves her, I couldn't care less, I don't think his wife should get anything at all, she hasn't worked for years'.

I realised I couldn't be friends with someone with so little regard for herself or another woman who had done nothing wrong to her. I also found it hard to listen to her excitedly exclaiming that married man had just texted her to ask if she'd like 'her cunt stretching tonight' with a huge grin across her face. My ex friend was blatantly proud of her ability to please married man Hmm and as far as I know, she is still seeing him. It is a sad sad situation.

I haven't spoken to her in a good few years now, but my sympathies lie with this man's wife and daughter alone.

I remember asking my ex friend what she would do if his wife discovered his sordid dirty affair and confronted her, but she was so deluded, she honestly believes that wives never ever confront mistresses, only boot out the errant husbands. Her reasoning is that wives are only ever angry with their husbands when they discover the affair. Hmm

I tend to distance myself from people who have such corrupt moral codes tbh although I appreciate you probably can't do this as easily if this woman is a family member.

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 18/04/2011 18:52

I have no sympathy for this woman but I don't think she deserves to lose her job.

itchycoopark · 18/04/2011 18:54

God, if people had to leave their jobs if they had affairs there'd be no one left in the City.

I do find it extraordinary that people can run parallel relationships for years and years. So much effort.

It was pretty silly of her to introduce the man to her children - but they will probably get over it, it's not as though he is their father.

Does the wife know it's been going on for 9 years?? Anyone who sticks with someone after that is a complete fool.

RogerMelly · 18/04/2011 18:54

I don't think there would be anyone left anywhere itchycoopark:o

StewieGriffinsMom · 18/04/2011 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

caramelwaffle · 18/04/2011 19:12

I would like this re-posted in Legal. I would be interested in the replies.
(They are a nice bunch over there)

caramelwaffle · 18/04/2011 19:13

Oh and What Stewie said ^

Hatesponge · 18/04/2011 19:19

They would be on very dodgy ground if they tried to sack her. They could try to buy her off, but if I was her, I wouldn't take less than a years gross salary.

Also as it was a relationship with a more senior person, it could be argued there was something of an abuse of power etc, which would reflect badly on the company for having allowed it to happen. It would depend how senior and how junior they are respectively. But irrespective of that she certainly shouldn't lose her job.

As for her 'deserving' what she gets, utter bullshit.