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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

with SIL?

69 replies

4everhopeful · 18/04/2011 03:45

Im a first time mum and only left DD (10m) with MIL several times, and will be tomorrow.. DD a very happy chilled girl and Im totally fine leaving her with MIL as they see each other reguarly. SIL, despite being her godmother hasnt seen that much of her, and came to the door last month when i was in the bath and when DH answered DD was hysterical, this is totally out of character but something about SIL spooked her badly. Hmm

Anyway tomorrow SIL said shed come by with my 2 nieces and nephew, but may arrive before im back as MIL will be here, I dont want her too as know that will freak DD out if im not here, DD not seen her kids since new year, I tried to say this to SIL in a roundabout way but she dismissed me a bit saying 'what will you be like when she goes to school' 'thats just kids' 'youve got to let her be for her own good' etc.. Basically quite a battle to try and get her to understand, while I ended up depricating myself 'oh what am i like' 'know its silly to be anxious' etc.. Hmm This annoyed me as SIL wouldnt even leave her kids with anyone, inc MIL, til about a year ago (oldest 10, youngest 3 Shock) and is really precious about them. All her kids are rather clingy as a result.. Im annoyed on 2 counts, 1, she should respect my wishes specially as she is far worse about her DC, and 2, she has been really hypocritical, I would never of dreamt of questioning the way she has chosen to parent her kids..

Im sad as feel she is a great mum and has been otherwise really supportive to me, with good advice, however I know my DD and dont feel IBU by not wanting her to be unnecessarily distressed, and asking SIL to just come round 30mins later when im home too? She kind of agreed but not without totally dismissing my feelings and making me feel like an overprotective mum and making me think AIBU?

OP posts:
messymammy · 18/04/2011 03:52

ooooh, I think you might be a bit pfb on this.

surely at 9/10 months your dd is starting to make strange?could just have been a once off as a result.dd made strange with my mil once, I mean truly hysterical, but has been fine every other time.

Ok SIL shouldn't go on about school,etc as it's a long way off,but,seriously are you going to stop your dd seeing her aunt as it may upset her,based on something that happened once, a month ago?

Original poster
4everhopeful · 18/04/2011 04:10

Oh dear messy dont want to come across bad, totally not the case i dont want her to see her aunty, far from it, wish SIL would come round lots more so she can see the smiley little soul that DD is, really want them to have a great relationship and SIL is REALLY great with kids. I felt truly awful when DD freaked out on her that day and want her to get used to her. She has seen her since and was fine.. My concern is more that DD will happily be with MIL at our home while im out, and suddenly SIL will arrive with 3 kids, DD would be a bit overawed and shy to begin with, even with me here, am just worried that if im not there she will be really freaked.. Confused

Its annoying cos have been desperate for DD to have the chance to play with her cousins, and really looking forward to it, I just want to be here to guide her into it!

OP posts:
LostInSockLand · 18/04/2011 04:33

My dd used to freak out at my best friend 4eh..she was and still is just a stroppy madam. She soon got used to her (and although we talked on the phone a lot we didn't see each other much)! I really wouldn't worry about it. She'll give you lots more to worry about in years to come Smile

iscream · 18/04/2011 05:01

You never know for sure how a child may react, but do you trust your mil and sil? Wouldn't sil leave the room if your daughter truly freaks out? Chances are that she will not freak out, she is older and has seen her since then. I'd allow it, have a word with mil ahead of time, you will be home in 30 minutes even if she does cry.

sunnydelight · 18/04/2011 05:16

So your DD had a funny reaction to her once so you "know" your DD will "freak out" if you're not there? Sorry but YABU and more than a little ridiculous.

saffy85 · 18/04/2011 05:28

YABU. What sunnydelight said.

Babies cry at the weirdest stuff. Your DD will be fine.

Morloth · 18/04/2011 05:45

Are you actually saying that you want your SIL to delay her visit to her mother because your DD cried once when she saw her?

Seriously?

YABVU and actually crossing right over into crazyland.

How the fuck do you 'guide' a 10 month old into playing with other kids? Don't you just chuck 'em on the floor altogether, keep half an eye on them and make a cup of tea?

cupofteaplease · 18/04/2011 05:49

Completely agree with sunnydelight. If I was your SIL I'd be feeling a bit offended.

CheerfulYank · 18/04/2011 05:51

She'll be fine. :)

YABU.

hairfullofsnakes · 18/04/2011 05:54

I too agree with others that you are being very very precious about this! Your baby will see 'new' faces all the time and you just deal with things as they happen. I can see why your SIL thinks you are being silly because you are! And, at then months your baby won't be playing with her cousins she will just be observing. Just ask your mil to hold her and soothe her if she is a bit anxious. And you can't say she will become 'hysterical' again or even that it was because of your SIL, babies are funny creatures who become anxious at the strangest things!

One day you will look back on how precious you were being and cringe!!!!

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 18/04/2011 06:43

What Morloth said. Take off the Bonkers hat and have a word with yourself, before we have to give you a PFB award.

FollowMe · 18/04/2011 08:59

You do sound a bit mental. If I was your SIL I would be very offended and I think she did really well to jokingly brush the comments off instead of getting cross!

Your DD is a baby. Your MIL is looking after her and will be perfectly able to take care of your DD if she has a little cry. Asking your SIL not to visit her own mother while you are not there just in case your DD cries is utterly PFB!

Megatron · 18/04/2011 09:09

YABU (sorry). My DS used to go off his head when one of DH's friends came round (who he loves now). Babies can be really weird but you really won't be helping your DD if you are this precious about these kind of things.

NinkyNonker · 18/04/2011 09:13

Yabu, sorry. Dd has cried at the sight of my mum, DH, DH's best friend...it happens. You can't expect her to delay her visit on those grounds.

Dozer · 18/04/2011 09:16

Yabu. Agree with the others.

TeddyMcardle · 18/04/2011 09:16

YABU they meet someone, they cry, they calm down, you move on.

Groovee · 18/04/2011 09:20

YABU My dd cried at men with beards as a baby but I was off the opinion she'd have to get used to it. And she did. It sounds more like you don't actually want your SIL round your dd which will just result in more resentment.

WhiteTrash · 18/04/2011 09:21

Oh dear. This is the sort of thing I would over worry about when ds was that age. I partly knew I was being neurotic but couldnt help it. I look back now and think, did I reallly worry about that sort of crap. My son is 4.5 a worrier himself and who else can I blame?

Im not saying you're going to turn your child into a worry wort, just that I can sympathise.

But in a nice way, YABU. Dont be surprised if SIL feels a little put out.

WelliesAndPyjamas · 18/04/2011 09:25

Sorry, op, but yabu. Your dd is 10 months old. It would be different if the reaction you described was from a child of say, 3 years or more, but rreally, little ones of 10 months don't freak out at the sight of a certain person. It would usually be a combination of factors - tiredness/hunger/teething/any of the obvious candidates combined with seeing someone new, their new sounds, the doorbell, cold air in her face, anything really!

Let her get out there for an adventure. She is so going to love the older cousins! :) She won't need you to guide her akthough I understand how you'd want to share the new experience with her :)

Tangle · 18/04/2011 09:29

I don't think YAB entirely U - from what I've read, SIL has invited herself round to your home while you're not there. For some families that might be absolutely normal but it wouldn't be fine for me. For some, MIL being there already might make it OK - to me it almost makes it worth as it almost smacks of SIL is only coming round to visit MIL and your house is a convenient place. To me it doesn't seem unreasonable to ask SIL to delay her visit to your home slightly so that you'll be there to welcome her.

And some children don't calm down. When DD was about 2 we had some plastering done. To start with she was all excited, but something about the plasterer distressed her, and by the 3rd day she'd start crying as soon as his van arrived and didn't stop until either he left or we left. She's been fine, before and after, with other men she didn't know - but something about this one really set her off.

GiddyPickle · 18/04/2011 09:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

gorionine · 18/04/2011 09:41

YABU

plantsitter · 18/04/2011 09:43

IME children often react differently to other people when you're not around, so it might actually be a good opportunity for your DD to meet her aunt 'on her own'.

On the other hand I'm not sure I'd be completely happy about everyone being round at my house without me there. But I'm a bit weird like that.

Cymar · 18/04/2011 09:55

YABU. You can't stop your SIL visiting her DM just because your DD gets upset.

millie30 · 18/04/2011 09:59

Well if your MIL is helping you with childcare, it's not really fair to expect her to never be able to see her other grandchildren or your SIL during that time. It's also pretty insulting to your SIL so yes, YABU.