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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

with SIL?

69 replies

4everhopeful · 18/04/2011 03:45

Im a first time mum and only left DD (10m) with MIL several times, and will be tomorrow.. DD a very happy chilled girl and Im totally fine leaving her with MIL as they see each other reguarly. SIL, despite being her godmother hasnt seen that much of her, and came to the door last month when i was in the bath and when DH answered DD was hysterical, this is totally out of character but something about SIL spooked her badly.

Anyway tomorrow SIL said shed come by with my 2 nieces and nephew, but may arrive before im back as MIL will be here, I dont want her too as know that will freak DD out if im not here, DD not seen her kids since new year, I tried to say this to SIL in a roundabout way but she dismissed me a bit saying 'what will you be like when she goes to school' 'thats just kids' 'youve got to let her be for her own good' etc.. Basically quite a battle to try and get her to understand, while I ended up depricating myself 'oh what am i like' 'know its silly to be anxious' etc.. This annoyed me as SIL wouldnt even leave her kids with anyone, inc MIL, til about a year ago (oldest 10, youngest 3 ) and is really precious about them. All her kids are rather clingy as a result.. Im annoyed on 2 counts, 1, she should respect my wishes specially as she is far worse about her DC, and 2, she has been really hypocritical, I would never of dreamt of questioning the way she has chosen to parent her kids..

Im sad as feel she is a great mum and has been otherwise really supportive to me, with good advice, however I know my DD and dont feel IBU by not wanting her to be unnecessarily distressed, and asking SIL to just come round 30mins later when im home too? She kind of agreed but not without totally dismissing my feelings and making me feel like an overprotective mum and making me think AIBU?

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 18/04/2011 11:25

No one is questioning how you feel about your SIL, if you read the replies you will see that. But the vast majority feel that your reasons for her not being there....

"I dont want her too as know that will freak DD out if im not here"
"am just worried that if im not there she will be really freaked.. confused

Its annoying cos have been desperate for DD to have the chance to play with her cousins, and really looking forward to it, I just want to be here to guide her into it!"

.......are a bit daft. You dont know how she will react and have said yourself that she was fine with SIL when she has seen her since.

The upshot is that you asked if YABU and you got an answer, there was a 50/50 chance of that when you posted and if you dont like those odds then dont ask the question! Accusing people who took the time to read your post and answer of being self righteous and a lynch mob is ridiculous and frankly bloody childish.

Alibabaandthe80nappies · 18/04/2011 11:26

YABU, and a loon. One day you will look back on this and laugh - and blush

sunnydelight · 18/04/2011 11:30

Oh sorry, I didn't realize this was one of those "AIBU but I know I amn't so only post if you agree with me otherwise you are all clearly loopy" threads. Yawn.

BluddyMoFo · 18/04/2011 11:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface · 18/04/2011 11:33

Is it me or have there been alot more of these lately?

When will people realise that if you ask a yes/no question then you have a 50/50 chance of getting the answer you dont want to hear?!

snowwight · 18/04/2011 11:36

clearly her sil is hypocritical though. I think this is what upset the op who is not loopy or a loon just a first time mum cut her some slack ladies.

Morloth · 18/04/2011 11:36

No more than usual I would say Bogeyface, it is rather like there is a script though so it can seem quite repetitive.

Still my favourite type, I wonder whether a lynch mob is better or worse than a nest of vipers, both have their pros and cons, perhaps a nest of lynchers?

loveabitofcake · 18/04/2011 11:50

oh bollocks to this clicky site im of out into the sun to socialise with some lighthearted people who aren,t always raging on at someone or taking life far to seriously,op and other likeminded people i sugest you do the same before you end up as hardfaced as some of this lot,cheerio mumsnet

snowwight · 18/04/2011 11:54

going to do the same thing loveabitofcake op come and join us. Can see you have trod the road of hell to get your precious dd, she is lovely by the way.

Morloth · 18/04/2011 12:01

Door arse etc.

ShirleyKnot · 18/04/2011 12:04

clickity click

hairfullofsnakes · 18/04/2011 12:28

Oh lol - so we missed the point and are self-righteous now because we dont agree with the OP! How ironic as it is you OP who has totally missed the point and are throwing all your toys out of your pram as we think your reasoning is (and it absolutely is) ridiculous

I agree with other posters who are off out and not waste any more time here

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 18/04/2011 12:37

thats just me hips, how roooood of you to comment, you nest of vipers!

BlueFergie · 18/04/2011 15:15

Well OP I am a bit confused. If you don't want SIL to call to your house when you are not there. Then tell her this. YANBU about that. A lot of people would not like people visiting their house when they are not there. I am not one of them particularly if the person is someone I like and am close to but my DH is a bit like that and has got annoyed with me when I have given friends/ relatives keys to get in when I am not going to be there before them. So I understand where you are coming from on that point.

However I suspect this is a red herring on your part and is really nothing to do with it. I think it is all to do with the fact that DD may be upset. And in that instance YABU. MIL is your minder right? So you must trust her and your DD must be very comfortable with her? Do you not think she is capable of consoling DD if she gets upset? If you are the only one who can do this adequatly then how can you ever leave her? God knows how many things could upset her on any given day. Can MIL not handle it if they do?

I also am not sure that SIL is being hypocritical. She didn't leave her kids with anyone. You do you leave DD with MIL. So obviously you are comfortable doing this. Or at least SIL is NBU assuming you are since you do. She is not asking to take DD herself or even to be left alone with her. She is just going to be in her vicinity while she is being minded by the person you have asked to do it. If she was expecting you to let her take or mind DD when you weren't comfortable with it I would agree this is hypocritical but thats not the case at all.

So in conclusion YABU.

HerHissyness · 18/04/2011 15:48

If your SIL goes round there, when you have asked her not to, and your DD screams her head off at her, it'll be HER fault. Hopefully the cousins will distract her.

FWIW, my DS used to scream his head off at, well, truthfully, ugly women. He used to be uncomfortable with beards and HATED if I ever had to wear the veil. Grew out of it after he was about 12m though.

FlamingJamie · 18/04/2011 15:57

Sorry - not quite understanding this.

Your DD got upset on one occasion when your SIL was there, and now you don't want her to ever see the SIL when you are not there?

Unless there's more to it, YABU to worry so much

FlamingJamie · 18/04/2011 16:01

I have re-read and I don't see how you can assume your DD will react the same way again, why you think it was anything much to do with the SIL, or whether your DD was just having an off day, and what you are worried will happen?

I think the consensus on here is telling you something. We aren't all out to get you, you know, and most of us have got or had small babies so we do know that it can be a worry

NinkyNonker · 18/04/2011 16:09

I'm a new mum, certainly not had-faced. Just think the OP is being a bit unreasonable tis all.

Am not a member of a clique either.

Mumwithadragontattoo · 18/04/2011 16:24

Why does SIL need to get there before you get home? Generally I wouldn't like people visiting when I'm not there but would allow them to if it was v inconvenient for them to arrive later and there was someone (such as MIL) to let them in.

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