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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell his mother about our misscarraige?

63 replies

deemented · 15/04/2011 21:29

Manshape and i made a decision not to tell his mother about our recent miscarraige.

However, i have to spend tomorrow morning with her here as manshape and his stepdad are going to work on our car which has broken down.

I happened to ask on FB for coping stratagies - as in, how to deal with her in the morning - and one of my friends happens to think that i should tell her about the mc, saying that it's her loss too, and she should be allowed to have the chance to comfort manshape.

Now, theres not much love lost between me and her, and we have had words in the past. She has also been incredibly vocal about how manshape and i should not have any more children, going as far as ringing me to make sure i've taken my pill, and telling manshape to make sure he uses condoms when i was on antibiotics.

To this end we made a concious decision not to tell her i was pregnant, not until after our twenty week scan at least.

To my way of thinking, if manshape wants her to know, then he can tell her, but he has said he doesn't. He did however confide in his dad, and he's been nothing but supportive.

I really don't want to give her any oppertunity to say 'Maybe it's for the best'.

But AIBU?

OP posts:
tulpe · 15/04/2011 21:31

YANBU

And very very sorry to hear about your loss.

LunaticFringe · 15/04/2011 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

worraliberty · 15/04/2011 21:33

Sorry about the MC Sad

But it's entirely up to you and 'manshap' (WTF?? That has to be the most twee and annoying word ever!) who you want to tell...no-one has a right to know. It's really up to your both.

Beamur · 15/04/2011 21:34

YANBU.
I didn't tell my PIL about my mc.

Nevin · 15/04/2011 21:34

Her behaviour re 'checking up' on your contraceptive regime is frankly Shock, but with regards to telling her about the misscarriage, I personally feel that if it will not bring you any comfort for her to know (if you don't think she'll be supportive) then absolutely keep it between yourself and DH. It is your own personal tragedy and you need to grieve and deal with it how you and DH see fit. If that means telling her, then go ahead, but you shouldn't feel 'obliged' to tell her because she's family or whatever reason you may have been told.

Very sorry for your loss by the way. Sad

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 15/04/2011 21:35

No. You are not being unreasonable.

I am sorry for your loss.

dearyme · 15/04/2011 21:36

manshape? feels queasy

headfairy · 15/04/2011 21:36

YANBU

And so sorry to hear about the mc :( I didn't tell anyone but my sister and my mum about my mcs. My PiLs still don't know. for me it was something to grieve over privately.

bubblecoral · 15/04/2011 21:37

So sorry to hear about your loss.

YANBU.

Perhaps this friend doesn't realise that your MIL is so negative about the thought of you being pregnant. You and manshape have mede your descision, and that is fine. Your perogative.

But I do think it's a little mean to have it on facebook if you can't tell a close member of family. While I understand that there could be lots of good reasons for you doing it, it's your right to put what you want on fb, there's no chance of her finding out etc etc, it does seem a bit wrong somehow.

working9while5 · 15/04/2011 21:39

No, YANBU. We wouldn't either, I don't think, as cousins who have had m/c's seem to have it mentioned every time someone says their name e.g. oh, Mary's coming, remember she had a miscarriage last year? or oh the baby's about six months old now and don't you know she had a miscarriage before it? etc. I'd rather not make it so public tbh. It is up to you and your partner and don't mind anyone else. Trust your instincts.

I am sorry for your loss.

MadamDeathstare · 15/04/2011 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scrappydappydoo · 15/04/2011 21:39

Sorry to hear about your loss xx
YANBU - it is entirely up to you and your dh. I struggled to tell people about my mc and I still haven't told some close friends. If she is that anti you having more dc it is not 'her loss too' its non of her business.

working9while5 · 15/04/2011 21:40

People need to SHUT UP about the use of the phrase manshape though.

You are all being VVVVVVVVVVVVV U to mention it in this context.

inanna12 · 15/04/2011 21:41

ffs (not meant to offend you!) miscarriage is, in my experience, hard enough to cope with in and of itself. it's your body, your experience, and your right to do what you like with. to tell someone who sounds as though she won't be able to offer you the support and understanding that you need is extreme martyrdom. god knows what your friend was thinking. the loss is yours and your partner's...in what way can it possibly be anyone else's? i can't see how telling mil will help anyone.

cunexttuesonline · 15/04/2011 21:42

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

ordinarily I would say YANBU. We didn't tell parents when I had a miscarriage, however a few of our friends knew about it. BUT by putting it out there on FB it might get back to her? And if you are happy with all your FB friends knowing...

Anyway, it's up to you. She doesn't have a right to know, as your friend suggested on FB. So it's up to you if you tell her, if she will be a PITA then probably best not to.

fivegomadinthelambingshed · 15/04/2011 21:43

If manshape doesn't want to tell her then you have no need to, don't bow to the pressure.

Very sorry for your loos.

albania · 15/04/2011 21:45

YANBU

GwendolineMaryLacey · 15/04/2011 21:45

Agree with everyone else, none of her business unless you make it so. A loving, involved potential grandparent yes, a woman who sounds like a bitter old witch (sorry!) no.

It's yours and manshape's to deal with however you need to.

Original poster
deemented · 15/04/2011 21:47

There's absolutely no way it could get from FB back to her, i used FB to sound off about her, so i made sure of that.

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 15/04/2011 21:51

He did however confide in his dad, and he's been nothing but supportive

YABU IMHO - You are keeping secrets - or rather chosing who holds your secret.

Tell no one and keep it to your selves - or do the decent thing and tell those who may be concerned. Skeletons come out of closets at a later date. Sorry for your loss but making snides and surreptiously putting a wedge between mother and son is totally out of order.

Original poster
deemented · 15/04/2011 21:58

How am i making snides and putting a wedge between them?

OP posts:
drivingmisscrazy · 15/04/2011 22:02

nobody's business but yours, unless you want to make it otherwise

TransatlanticCityGirl · 15/04/2011 22:06

Very sorry for your loss. Dealing with loss is such a personal thing, no one should judge you.

Had I suffered a MC I would most certainly NOT have spoken a word of it to the inlaws. I like to deal with things like that internally. Maybe I would have told my sister. That's it.

If your hubby is on board I'd say your decision is perfect for you.

chipmonkey · 15/04/2011 22:08

dee, I wouldn't tell her. It's a difficult enough time for you without giving her an opportunity to come out with unhelpful platitudes.

troisgarcons, don't you think the MIL herself has created the wedge by being unsupportive in the first place?

Oh and surely on a site where the usual abbrev "dp" stands for "darling partner" calling "manshape" twee is a bit pot-kettle-black! Not that it should be brought up in this context at all.

TidyDancer · 15/04/2011 22:09

I'm very sorry for what you've gone through. :(

YANBU. This is your loss, not hers. She has no right to the information, and even less so in light of the fact that she has made completely disgraceful comments about the potential future of your family.

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