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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not tell his mother about our misscarraige?

63 replies

deemented · 15/04/2011 21:29

Manshape and i made a decision not to tell his mother about our recent miscarraige.

However, i have to spend tomorrow morning with her here as manshape and his stepdad are going to work on our car which has broken down.

I happened to ask on FB for coping stratagies - as in, how to deal with her in the morning - and one of my friends happens to think that i should tell her about the mc, saying that it's her loss too, and she should be allowed to have the chance to comfort manshape.

Now, theres not much love lost between me and her, and we have had words in the past. She has also been incredibly vocal about how manshape and i should not have any more children, going as far as ringing me to make sure i've taken my pill, and telling manshape to make sure he uses condoms when i was on antibiotics.

To this end we made a concious decision not to tell her i was pregnant, not until after our twenty week scan at least.

To my way of thinking, if manshape wants her to know, then he can tell her, but he has said he doesn't. He did however confide in his dad, and he's been nothing but supportive.

I really don't want to give her any oppertunity to say 'Maybe it's for the best'.

But AIBU?

OP posts:
sprinkles77 · 15/04/2011 22:11

Did MIL know you were pregnant? I guess not. Any you probably hadn't told her for the usual reason, so you didn't have to discuss anything like this with her. So, if she never knew, it's no loss. Keep it to yourself unless DP needs her support (which it sound like he does not). OMG, why does everyone need to know everything in some families?

Happymm · 15/04/2011 22:21

Are DH's mum and dad still together? Only asking, as he's told his dad, so pretty harsh expecting him to keep it secret from his wife IYSWIM? Sorry for your loss. It's hard. Do what is right for you and your family :(

Original poster
deemented · 15/04/2011 22:24

No, they split up when he was a child, and they - his folks - rarely speak now.

OP posts:
Happymm · 15/04/2011 22:26

That's OK then, fuck her!:o

Original poster
deemented · 16/04/2011 10:43

Well, she's arrived - been here te mins and have already had comments on 'How i will keep having children' i response to telling her DS3 is ill and has been awake most of the night.

It's just made me more glad than ever that we haven't told her.

OP posts:
SolarPanel · 16/04/2011 10:46

YANBU

chipmonkey · 16/04/2011 10:57

omg, dee, how rude of her! And three dc's is hardly a large family!

blackeyedsusan · 16/04/2011 10:58

you are doing the right thing not telling her. given her record, she is likely to make a hurtful comment. you do not need more stress from this woman. Given how she has treated other Gc she wouldn't show much care for this lost gc either, or for you..

jenga079 · 16/04/2011 11:03

YANBU, it's totally up to you and 'manshape' who you tell, but why oh why are you spending time with someone who makes you feel bad when you're already going through something so tough?

Original poster
deemented · 16/04/2011 11:04

Because manshape needs help from his stepdad to fix the car, he can't manage it on his own. And they come as a package, so i just have to put up with her.

OP posts:
JetLi · 16/04/2011 11:07

YANBU dee & I'm so very sorry about the mc Sad

I've seen your previous threads and know your MIL to be a nasty piece of work - hope you cope OK today.

clam · 16/04/2011 11:08

You have no "duty" to tell her anything. And Hmm with the RL friend who said it was "her loss" too???? Doesn't sound like it to me, with her regular comments about your contraception/numerous offspring.

A MC is a painful and personal thing. You tell people of your choice, if you feel they can offer some support. Doesn't sound as if this MIL can or will.

JaxTellersOldLady · 16/04/2011 11:10

Ignore all comments from the poisonous one!

So sorry for your loss Dee dont tell her anything, she will only make a stupid, nasty comment.

girlsyearapart · 16/04/2011 11:11

Sorry for your loss dee

Currently having similar issue.
Am potentially pg or miscarrying dc4 and know that mil has been very vocal about us not having anymore.

I couldn't cope with comments about it being a blessing in disguise or similar if I do lose this much wanted and planned baby.

Dont know if I'll tell my own parents either

StewieGriffinsMom · 16/04/2011 11:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

humanoctopus · 16/04/2011 11:15

YADNBU.

Its entirely up to you on how you want to deal with this.

I wouldn't tell her anything at all that would lead her into commenting on your intimate life details/decisions.

FFS, how dare she comment or suggest condoms when you were on antibiotics?!!!

Sounds like she is way too involved in the day to day stuff of you life. Use this sad point in your life to make changes.

Or you could be like me and tell my darling MIL that I really wanted 10 children, but dh only wants 8, so fingers crossed for multiple pregnancies.

jenga079 · 16/04/2011 11:23

Well let's hope the car is fixed fast & you can get some space on your own. Ignore all bitchiness. Look after yourself.

ilythia · 16/04/2011 11:30

I only have one thing to say about this

nononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononononono

etc

pink4ever · 16/04/2011 11:36

YANBU but really I am more Shock at her questioning your methods of contraception! what did you dp say about this?. You have my sympathy as we have had loads of snidey comments from inlaws about having 3 dcs(even though they also had 3!) and that we shouldnt have anymore(none of their fucking business!). Tbh am tempted to have another dc just to piss them off and after being on mn I now have some suitable responses to their shite! sorry a bit of a hijack there!.

cocolepew · 16/04/2011 12:10

Don't tell her, I never told MIL about 2 of mine, she didn't know I was pregnant. So sorry to hear about your loss.

lazarusb · 16/04/2011 13:11

My mcs were discussed far and wide before I'd even had them properly confirmed Hmm It's completely up to you both who is told, when and why.
Someone recently told dd (10) about my mcs without even consulting me first. Angry It is something I wouldn't have chosen to tell her, certainly not at her age. She has no right to make comments on your life decisions and I think you are amazing that you've kept quiet and not told her to mind her own business before now! (You are a better person than I am clearly Grin).

fedupofnamechanging · 16/04/2011 13:23

I also think you should not tell her.

I think you also need to address her over involvement in what are very personal choices in your life. I wouldn't like my mum ringing up to remind me to take my pill or tell my DH to use a condom and I sure as hell wouldn't like it from my MIL. There are some things which are just between a couple and nothing to do with anyone else. Contraception is one of them, as is the size of your family.

She needs to have some boundaries put in place, so don't be afraid to tell her that her remarks are too personal and not appropriate. She sounds like a person who has no sense of self regulation, so you will have to do it for her. I wouldn't worry about offending her as she is clearly not worrying about offending you.

wellieboots · 16/04/2011 13:41

no yanbu. I wouldn't have told my mil about my mc if I had had the choice (we told the PILs I was pg, so no option really), sensitivity is not her strong point and her reaction made me absolutely [shocked] and Angry. Wish I hadn't had to go through that, so I absolutely understand that you don't want to.

so sorry for your loss, hope you are taking good care x

emptyshell · 16/04/2011 15:07

Your miscarriage, your secret, your choice who you tell.

I'm very open about mine - because I think far, far too often it's expected still to be a couple's dirty little secret and some taboo that they we don't speak about in public - and the only way that stigma gets broken down is if people ARE open and honest about things... but that's the kind of person I am and I'm incredibly opinionated and passionate about how fucking stupidly insensitive some people can be and how crap the NHS can be over miscarriages. Funnily I find it's only when I speak up and answer the question why I don't have any kids (which strangely people haven't got the message yet that it's not their effing business) that I get a lot of people telling me that they, too are in that kind of situation... I also get the well-intentioned annecdotes about how someone's Aunty Doris lost 26 babies and then found that having sex standing up fixed the problem, or the hilarious suggestion that "are you sure you're doing it right" (to which I replied along the lines of "shit, you mean it doesn't go in THAT hole?!") but that's the general idiocy of people for ya.

Can fully understand people who don't want to tell people - you don't want the comments, the inspiring annecdotes (generally they're not and you just have to smile sweetly and look grateful while wanting to murder the person telling you them with their own shoelaces), and the repeated "oh so any luck trying again" enquries afterwards (although you can deflect these somewhat by giving an excessively overembellished recount of your subsequent trial attempts if you want to shut the nosey fuckers up).

It's shite though and I'm sorry you're going through it.

lazarusb · 16/04/2011 18:48

Emptyshell - you are absolutely right and I agree with everything you've said. In my case everyone where I worked knew (my Mum worked in the same place) and so did every member of the extended family as well as family friends. It wasn't ever intended to be a secret but I wanted to come to terms with it first before all the 'you should go on holiday', 'maybe you can't carry boys' (despite having a son) or the best one 'maybe it was horrifically malformed'. Nice.
It's a horrible thing to go through without everyone else offering their opinion.
Hope you're ok Deemented.

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