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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DP's mother coming in to clean my house is annoying!

98 replies

crazychic141187 · 15/04/2011 21:12

My DP is currently in hospital suffering from a ruptured kidney and his mother came round yesterday and cleaned our house. Apparently im not capable of cleaning my own house but she wouldn't hear no and her younger daughter who is staying with us let her in.

She cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, living room and hall and then proceeded to text my DP complaining that I was an untidy person!

It got me fuming seeing as im in the middle of doing 6 pieces of work for uni, im constantly travelling backwards and forwards to the hospital to see DP and ive got my own health problems which is seeing me at the doctors twice a week!

OP posts:
PonceyMcPonce · 16/04/2011 09:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveBeingAbleToNamechange · 16/04/2011 09:20

I would have said yabu, but her text is disgusting it's like hoovering then complaining when there's dust in it!

Melly19MummyToBe · 16/04/2011 09:37

lol @ conspiracy theories :o

I think we all do that about our MILs :o

It feels like they're saying that we're not good enough when they do stuff like this. It feels critical doesn't it? Don't know about anyone else but when MIL cleaned my house on monday I could practically feel her sending critical vibes at me Confused

jenga079 · 16/04/2011 09:51

What's MIL like normally?

Sounds to me like she was trying to help in the most practical way she could think of so YABU, but if she's usually interfering then YANBU.

I was in hospital while DP was posted overseas last year. My parents got the key to our flat from a friend, cleaned everything & filled the freezer with ready meals. Their 'pushiness' was a godsend!

When I was out of hospital my colleagues arranged a 'rota' and one would turn up every night with dinner & then do some cleaning. It didn't matter how often I said "i'm fine", they just got on with it. Again, a godsend!

However, these are people I adore, and who I know adore me. If someone controlling who I didn't feel comfortable with did something similar then I'd be furious.

Wamster · 16/04/2011 10:03

If she had said to YOU, 'you must be up to your neck in it, do you fancy a hand around the house?' it would be different.
This is what a person who GENUINELY wished to help out would do. Trust me.

This is her exerting her dominance over you. It is her way of saying 'I am number one person in son's life. Not you.' Her texting her son proves this- a nice person would clean your house and say nothing.
The trouble is what she has done seems so (superficially) reasonable to some people- probably those who are blessed with nice MILs- that only half of us can see this for what it is- and what you have here is a power game, my ex-MIL was exactly the same. She'd act the martyr knowing that if I complained I'd be the one who appeared spoilt and ungrateful.
Don't let her fool you.

Wamster · 16/04/2011 10:23

The only way of dealing with such a person is cold, polite indifference. They hate that because everybody should bow down in front of their martyrdom and say how wonderful they are- deep down, your MIL is insecure as hell. Don't think I'm being over the top. I mean it. She has shown her cards and what she is made of, for your own sanity you've now got to have a basic strategy in dealing with her. She is not your friend. A nice MIL would offer to help and not barge in without your permission and complain to your dp.

dreamingbohemian · 16/04/2011 10:33

What exactly did her text say?

Was it literally, your wife is so untidy?

Or was it something like, I just spent four hours cleaning your house, which you are interpreting as 'your wife is a slattern'?

OnEdge · 16/04/2011 10:35

I'd be inclined to shove her phone up her arse ! Cheeky Bag !

OnEdge · 16/04/2011 10:36

What was his reply to the text ?

ChaoticAngelofchocolateeggs · 16/04/2011 10:52

YANBU What Hecate and Flisspaps said.

ScroobiousPip · 16/04/2011 11:04

YANBU. Agree with Hecate.

I think you also need to have words with your DH - so that he responds sternly to the text to tell her not to come in uninvited again and not to make such unhelpful comments about you, especially when you are run off your feet right now - and also to your DSIL - to remind her that she's very welcome to stay but please don't let MIL in again to clean the house when we're not here etc etc.

Gooseberrybushes · 16/04/2011 11:07

"Anyone who says it is U to have an issue with your MIL complaining about your untidiness in this context needs a big fat Biscuit

says it all for me

some people are just unbelievably rude and it sounds like your mil is one of them

Original poster
crazychic141187 · 16/04/2011 11:17

Wow this thread took off!

the text said "Mel is a very untidy person!"

His reply was "yeh she is but she will learn" which also annoyed me because he wasn't backing me up at all. I told him that he can tell her not to come round again if she is going to be like that. Although im scared that when the baby is born she will feel the need to clean my house again what with me being so uncapable!

She is a complete neat freak in her own house and feels like everyones house should be like that. It wasnt like the house was a mess because me and DP had tidied it just before he ended up in hospital.

OP posts:
Gooseberrybushes · 16/04/2011 11:31

a. report your own post mdear because it has your name

b. go and stay at a hotel for a few months days because what is going on is bang out of order. She is being a witch and he is being a big pig.

Alternatively, draw up a rota for your MIL of all the washing, ironing and cleaning you want doing every week. Tell your dh you won't be doing any more because you are incapable. Sit watching Richard and Judy when she comes round, lifting your feet for the hoover. Ask her to make you cups of tea.

Or move out.

JaneS · 16/04/2011 11:56

How rude.

What are you going to do about it crazychic? If it were me, I wouldn't be able to let it go - I'd have to say something if only because I'd be on edge about her doing it again.

Really fucking rude of her to complain to your DP after you'd told her not to clean up - he's ill, the last thing he needs to know is that you're struggling to manage! (The feminist in me has ruffled feathers that your MIL assumes the messy house is entirely your responsibility, btw - how does she know her son doesn't usually do some of the work and isn't feeling horrible that he's lying in hospital and you're struggling?)

aliceliddell · 16/04/2011 12:20

YANBU This is vvv annoying, esp involving dp. My PILS used to do this when I was less disabled. I could do most things v slowly, had fairly rigid priorities. Only able to EITHER clean OR walk dd & dog to park. Then collapse for an hour. PILs running finger through dust and criticising "neurotic" dd for not running across tarmac roadways which I'd drummed into her to keep her safe outdoors, adjusting bedtime and toilet training DID NOT BLOODY HELP. My assistants now do all the housework (under my supervision). It still drives me berserk because it's intrusive and its never quite right. So totally empathise, even though in my situation others cleaning is totally unavoidable and genuine offer of help.

dreamingbohemian · 16/04/2011 14:10

the text said "M is a very untidy person!"

Shock

You are totally NBU. Good god.

kalo12 · 16/04/2011 14:13

its an absolute invasion of territory. YANBU. I think its outrageous behaviour

Fluffycloudland77 · 16/04/2011 14:39

She was out of order. I wouldn't let his family stay at your house again, your too busy for house guests.

Kindness deserves to be rewarded and you have not been rewarded.

anonacfr · 16/04/2011 17:26

He said 'she is but she will learn'????????? WTF was that all about?????

It's even worse than what she said.

LDNmummy · 16/04/2011 17:31

She sounds like a pain in the arse, but let her do it. As another poster said, more fool her. Then sit back and enjoy a nice hot soak in your nice clean bath to relax from all the stress Grin

LDNmummy · 16/04/2011 17:32

And your DP sounds like a twit who is either worried about not agreeing with his mother or a mummy's boy.

MaisyMooCow · 16/04/2011 17:33

My first thoughts were that it was a really lovely considerate thing to do for you in the circumstances but then when you said she had commented on you being untidy .....well, I'd be bloody fuming. Angry

YANU

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 16/04/2011 19:35

she is but she will learn?

Shock

Oh my.

JingleMum · 16/04/2011 20:28

you MIL and DP are being VVVVVVVVVVV unreasonable. that whole text thing is so bloody cheeky! you need to words with your DP about that.

my MIL does this too Confused she's actually re-arranged all my cupboards before now and told me that "I need to utilise my space" even though she just re-arranged things, she didn't make any space. it really makes my blood boil, even though i know she's only trying to help. it's MY house and it feels like she's critising me when she cleans it.

is it just a MIL thing? my own mother barely cleans her own house, never mind coming and cleaning mine!