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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that DP's mother coming in to clean my house is annoying!

98 replies

crazychic141187 · 15/04/2011 21:12

My DP is currently in hospital suffering from a ruptured kidney and his mother came round yesterday and cleaned our house. Apparently im not capable of cleaning my own house but she wouldn't hear no and her younger daughter who is staying with us let her in.

She cleaned the kitchen, bathroom, living room and hall and then proceeded to text my DP complaining that I was an untidy person!

It got me fuming seeing as im in the middle of doing 6 pieces of work for uni, im constantly travelling backwards and forwards to the hospital to see DP and ive got my own health problems which is seeing me at the doctors twice a week!

OP posts:
Gemsy83 · 15/04/2011 21:59

I hope your 'D'P will say something to her about her appalling attitude. If anything like my DP he wont though.

flyingspaghettimonster · 15/04/2011 21:59

I'd bloody hate it. Apart from anything else it feels like a violation of your personal space, to have had an uninvited guest poking around all your stuff. When my house is a mess I won't let MIL poke her nose round the door - every time I go over to their house I try to swap the colour coded keys round so she won't just 'pop by to [s]spy[s] drop something off'...

tell her thanks, but no thanks in future and tell her daughter she's out on her ear if she allows it again...

flyingspaghettimonster · 15/04/2011 22:00

shoot - so how DO you do a strike through?

blondebutonlyfaking · 15/04/2011 22:03

YANBU

I'd hate it.

However, if she feels the need to clean, feel free to send her to mine, I'll PM you my address

Wink
emsyj · 15/04/2011 22:03

I don't think YABU as such, but my goodness I could put up with a LOT of abuse about my slovenly habits if someone would come and clean my house for me......

TidyDancer · 15/04/2011 22:04

My MIL is lovely and I'd still hate this. YANBU.

Melly19MummyToBe · 15/04/2011 22:04

YANBU, I'm almost 33 weeks pregnant and have got RSI in my right shoulder, which means if I do too much it starts really hurting and I can't do anything with my right arm. Which means my housework has really suffered badly. My MIL came round on Monday and cleaned my entire house from top to bottom and I hated every second of it, I do appreciate it but I still hated it, can't explain why really. She did ask me if I would like her to come round and do it and I very reluctantly said yes. Admittedly it is nice having a clean home. Problem is, she is OBSESSED with rearranging every single ornament. So as soon as she left I had to go round the house putting everything back to how it goes.

cricketballs · 15/04/2011 22:04

my MIL does this as well; when ever we ask her to sit with the youngest (parents evenings etc with eldest) then she feels the need to spring clean a room - it drives me crazy. But after 16 years of this, I have learnt to -

  1. when she is coming round to make sure anything I don't want her to see is hidden very well
  2. learn to breath - I know she won't stop despite DH telling her several times that it drives me mad!

it might be her way of dealing with her DS' illness so with the situation as it is, it might be best to smile and let her get on with it as we all need a vent and cleaning maybe hers...

MeltingChocolateBunnies · 15/04/2011 22:06

YANBU. As if your DP needs texts updating him on the state of your dusting.

I have a MIL like this, she puts so much value in having a clean and tidy house it constantly makes me feel shit.

Two hours after I had given birth she sat at my bedside telling me about the filthy state of DH's lunch box. FFS.

To be fair I think it is a generation thing. In their day a woman's worth was measured by how shiny her doorstep was.

usualsuspect · 15/04/2011 22:07

I wish someone would come and clean my house

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 15/04/2011 22:19

she definately overstepped the mark texting your partner , but on the other hand probably feels helpless knowing her son is seriously ill, and probably channeled this into something 'helpful'.
yes, she should have asked you, no she shouldn't have done it without permission, but has it helped? (putting aside your hurt pride)
If no yanbu, if yes yabu.
Her concerns about your partner are no less than yours, after all he is her son.

Cat98 · 15/04/2011 22:20

Still think she was trying to help, sorry. As I said, some DILs would love it (me?!) Being an MIL seems to be a minefield.

LindyHemming · 15/04/2011 22:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HecateQueenOfTheNight · 15/04/2011 22:44

Well, you can make it easier by respecting the wishes of your dil and not coming in and cleaning when she's said no, like you don't give a shit what she wants.

If she'd come in and cleaned as a surprise, that would still have been a nice thing, a good hearted gesture, even if op turned out to not be happy about it.

but to be TOLD NO!! and to do it anyway and THEN text the son in hospital and tell him how dirty his partner is? [boggle]

I am truly struggling to see how on earth that could possibly be interpreted as of helpful intent.

Cat98 · 15/04/2011 22:52

I wouldn't interpret it like that Hecate. Not if she's usually nice. Even if it pissed me off. I could choose to interpret it as her being mean but I wouldn't. Op what does your DH think? It's his mum, after all - if he thinks she was being insensitive/nasty then she probably was. We don't know the woman though.

iwastooearlytobeayummymummy · 15/04/2011 22:53

I stand by the question has it helped?
OP says she is inundated with study and worry
maybe her house is a tip
maybe it needs a thorough clean before a seriously ill person returns home
maybe she just needs a whinge against the mother of her partner
maybe if best friend had done it she may be singing her praises

TurkeyBurgerThing · 15/04/2011 23:07

Oh god. This has brought back baaaaaaaaaad memories!

Several years ago now DH and I were on holiday. DS1 was about 2 and I was pg with DD. Got home to find mil had cleaned our house top to bottom in "her"'way. She had been through absolutely ALL my possessions and I mean A.L.L. From knicker drawer to kitchen draw. From dildo to dishwasher. From personal letters, photos, keepsakes, to putting up blinds she had chosen, ornaments she'd bought. I can only describe it as domestic rape.

OH hit the roof. I tried to see good intentions but when OH confronted her in a full on fury all hell broke loose.

Luckily it's all water under the bridge now and all is good, but it put my back up and I felt awful for a long time.

YA definitely NBU!!!

VajazzHands · 16/04/2011 04:22

proceeded to text my DP complaining that I was an untidy person!

MIL was not trying to be helpful. She was being a nasty piece of work.

AlpinePony · 16/04/2011 08:02

PM me and I"ll give you my address - she's welcome here. She can send as many snitty text messages as she likes, in fact, I'll let her use my phone!

KaraStarbuckThrace · 16/04/2011 08:08

I agree with Hecate, she is undermining you.

If she asked you and said "I realise you are busy would you like me to do some cleaning for you?" then that would be nice. But to go against your wishes and bitch about it is uncalled for!

YADNBU

cookcleanerchaufferetc · 16/04/2011 08:16

YANBU ..... Why should she have the right to go through your stuff .. No, it is wrong and I would tell your SIL that she is jot to do it either. In fact, why are you getting slated for being untidy when your MIL daughter is living there and no doubt contributing to any mess?

Besides, a happy home is always slightly messy ......!

Kevinia · 16/04/2011 08:32

YANBU - I'd be mortified if someone did this to me. But she is not being unreasonable either - she's worried about her DS and wants to help, and is just misplacing her efforts. Can you give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she's not deliberately being nasty - just tell her nicely that you were touched by the thought but found it embarrassing that she came and tidied your house.

If the house is in your son's name, it might not have occurred to her that you'd take offence at this, as she may just have viewed it as tidying his house.

ENormaSnob · 16/04/2011 08:32

What Hecate and fliss said.

PonceyMcPonce · 16/04/2011 08:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

anonacfr · 16/04/2011 08:58

PonceyMcPonce (Grin) laundry and ironing is nice. My mother always offers when she comes to visit, I always tell her she doesn't have to but by the time she leaves she's washed and ironed all of DH's shirts and all our sheets/towels. It's a great help and I always send her flowers as a thank-you.

However, tidying a whole house- which involves going through drawers/cupboards etc when a person has specifically said they didn't want to is not on.

MIL basically offered, was told no, then waited for the OP to not be home and got her daughter to let her in. She then sent a text to her son she's so worried about to bitch about his partner.

In the OP's shoes I would feel like crap. I'd start developing conspiracy theories about my MIL too- I don't call what she did helping but interfering. And I would be really pissed off with SIL too.