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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to give their puppy away?

84 replies

FairhairedandFrustrated · 14/04/2011 17:51

Hear me out - I am not a cruel mother!

My sister's dog had puppies and my brother in law give dd & ds one.

We already had a 3 year old dog who we love to bits and is part of our family.

The deal when we let the children accept the pup, was that they would take responsibility towards house training her and taking her out for walks/runs etc...

We've had her 2 months now, I work 2 jobs (one which allows me to be at home in the afternoons but a very early morning start) so ideally the children should be taking the pup out for a wee/poo during the time I'm sorting breakfast, childminder clothes etc etc...

But they won't. The poor dog cries to be let out and if I let her out she disappears if no-one is with her. We live on a farm and as she's part terrier I worry about her chasing sheep... our other dog is a labrador and very good at ignoring the sheep.

The pup isn't anywhere near house trained (partly my & dhs fault as we're like ships that pass in the night) the older dog more or less looks after herself, the younger pup needs a lot more time than we have to give her.

After a stonking rown with dd (9) and ds (6) I asked did they think it was fair for the pup to have so little attention? They were arguing over which one would take her out & stay out with her (neither wanted to) and by the time dd got up to do it, the pup had pooed and wee'd in the utility room :(

I don't think it's fair, she does deserve to be with other people who have the time for her... how can I make the children see that though without coming across as cruel?

It's all very well in hindsight that we should have said no, but at the time we thought, oh well, we have one dog, what difference will another one make? But the answer is, a hell of a lot.

I have told dd & ds to think about what they want, que dd stropping and saying if we get rid of the pup she will run away.

Go easy on me, I probably am a bit unreasonable, but I thought we could cope and now I see we probably can't.

OP posts:
dearyme · 14/04/2011 19:03

Of course a 6 and a 9 yo can be trusted - with nudges and reminders - to take a puppy outside each morning/evening!

clearly they cant

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 14/04/2011 19:06

Well not this two, no. But others can. I think the OP was reasonable to give them a chance, provided they don't have form.

I do think though, like Shirley, Val and BOF, that once the DCs realise their mum means business, this could be turned around. I do hope so.

emptyshell · 14/04/2011 19:07

Yep I could be more nasty... I get incredibly pissed off when people view animals as disposable commodities to be chucked aside when it becomes inconvenient and gets in the way of their lifestyle. I have a wonderful dog - whom I have because some arsehole decided to chuck him away in the middle of winter without a collar or a microchip, and after two months in the pound/rescue (thank God they don't put them to sleep after 7 days here) with no one bothering to track him down - he ended up with us. He's funny, loving, gentle, so so desperate to please - and yet, like this puppy, he became too much bother for someone so they got rid of him... so yep, it makes me angry in the same way the pitchforks come out when someone harms or upsets a child and people relate to it themselves. If they'd kicked him out in a different local authority - he'd be dead by now with no reason to be, if the dog wardens hadn't picked him up (in the height of the winter freeze) - he'd probably be dead to a road accident or the cold weather... and if I hadn't met him when I did and with the joy and focus he brought back into our lives... I quite possibly would be dead too, I was close to ending it all.

It COULD work - but let's be honest here - that requires effort. All I hope for now is that the dog isn't just "given away" willy nilly but rehomed properly through people who do homechecks - and that the relative's dog gets neutered so there aren't more puppies given away to people who can't cope with them. If you ain't even bothered starting to toilet train him - you're not going to put the work in to do right by it... get ringing around rescues and pray there's a decent one with some space... before he grows up unsocialised and is no longer cute and fluffy, but with possible behaviour problems and un housetrained and isn't exactly a wonderful homing prospect.

So yeah I get fucking nasty about people passing animals around like they're a slightly used TV or something... someone's got to.

Olivetti · 14/04/2011 19:12

You can tell the OP is taking this very seriously and is hardly the type of person to throw a puppy out in the cold. She's clearly upset, and simply trying to work out the best thing to do. Not really displaying the classic traits of an animal abuser. I assume all you hyper-critical people have never made a mistake n your lives.

doley · 14/04/2011 19:12

Goodness ...the OP made a mistake ~and she realizes that .

I think she has taken good care of the puppy ,but knows the dog could have a better home :)

Animal abuse is horrific ,this is a DIFFERENT situation .

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/04/2011 19:17

I think people have been quite restrained actually...

It's an animal not a "thing"

Olivetti · 14/04/2011 19:17

Hear, hear, Doley. It's turing into an outrage competition. I call it "rage porn".

Lilyloo · 14/04/2011 19:19

Maybe the reason people get so upset is that is never that simple as just finding 'another' home as there is already a massive queue of unwanted dogs 'just needing another home'

Vallhala · 14/04/2011 19:20

Quite restrained, Headfirst?

Quite?

If I become any more restrained over this issue I'll be a bloody bondage wearer!

I've been exceptionally restrained.

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/04/2011 19:21

I agree it's not abuse though.

However a combination of over-breeding, and people taking on dogs with little serious thought and then getting rid does lead to 1000s of dogs stuck in rescue alone and then destroyed each year.

It's a sensitive subject many get upset about.

HeadfirstForHalos · 14/04/2011 19:22

I did think your post was by far the MOST restrained Vallhalla

I've seen a couple of your posts on doggy threads and realise you are a big dog lover :)

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 14/04/2011 19:23

Valhalla - thank-you. I know you could have said worse, but you have spoken sense, so thanks.

My sister's dog has been neutered (and we had plans to neuter this one too, as our lab has been).

We did take time to train the labrador (dh was working a different job then and at home more).

Please, please, be 100% sure that there is no danger of animal cruelty, dd has, at this minute, got the pup under her arm and she is asleep... there's not an ounce of cruelty in this house.

Dh wants to work on keeping her, she is such a lively pup who adores dh, jumps for attention when he comes in, he picks her up like he does the children.

We're going to sit down and talk when dh gets in - I'm not heartless.

OP posts:
TotemPole · 14/04/2011 19:25

If the dog cries to be let out then surely it's partly trained already? The problem seems to be the delay with the children letting him out in time. Is standing outside for 5-10 mins with it really too much to ask of the children?

diddl · 14/04/2011 19:26

Jesus I don´t think it´s that much to ask a 6yr old & a 9yr old to effectively take the dog out into the garden when they are already up & waiting for breakfast tbh.

Obv for this 6yr old & 9yr old it is.

But I don´t think that OP was wrong in thinking that they would do it tbh.

Vallhala · 14/04/2011 19:28

Most of those thousands who are killed don't even make it to rescue. They're killed in council pounds just 7 days after they arrive, if they're strays.

Hey, if the OP took her dog to a pound, instead of a rescue, it would happen even sooner. By law a dog handed into a pound by his owner can be killed immediately. Hand him into rescue and if it's a genuine no-kill one he'll have a home for life or until he gets offered one by a family.

That sounds good, doesn't it?

Although it kinda fucks it up for some poor dog who has done his 7 days in a council pound and who is waiting for a rescue space which never comes because rescues are all full of dogs handed in by owners who are no longer willing to put the time into the dog they chose to take on a few months or weeks earlier.

After 7 days in the pound the little stray's eyes light up as someone puts a lead on him and coaxes him out of his cold kennel and into the warm. He isn't to know that the man with the white coat is going to kill him, not take him home, and amongst the roll of black bags on the vet's table is one with his name on.

Lilyloo · 14/04/2011 19:29

Op i really do hope you can find a way to make this work for all of you and get the kids on board to help more.

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 14/04/2011 19:31

They were 3 & 6 when we got the lab & the 6 year old was very very good with her then.

They bottle feed lambs, walk through the fields and check out any lambing ewes, I think this is why I thought they would be OK at standing outside for 10 minutes to make sure she did her business.

Either way, it's a hard decision for us to make, and it won't be made without serious thoughst and discussions among us all.

OP posts:
LDNmummy · 14/04/2011 19:32

YANBU, you have to be practical for you and the puupy's sake. Dogs also deserve homes where they can recieve ample time and attention. Having a puppy is like having another kid in the house and I get why you would feel it is too stressy. If you give it up you are not being awful, just make sure it has a good home to go to. Can I have it please??

LDNmummy · 14/04/2011 19:33

OMGoodness Valhalla I did not know that! Sad

Vallhala · 14/04/2011 19:41

Sadly not enough people do, LDNMummy

That video clip is from Ireland, where I have also been involved in rescuing dogs from pounds. The only difference between Ireland and England is that over here stray dogs get two extra days before the law says they can be put to sleep. Whilst English strays get 7 days dogs surrendered by their owners in both countries can be killed immediately they're handed over.

Hence I beg people to adopt from reputable rescue and not buy from breeders, so that in doing so you free up space in rescue for pound dogs like these.

Watch it, please... and them tell me what's best for the OP's puppy, assuming that she is as kind as she says she is to the pup (and I have no reason to doubt her).

All it will take is a little time to train the pup and he'll be on a par with the OP's Lab. Surely he deserves that much?

wfrances · 14/04/2011 19:42

i dont think all 9 and 6 yr olds are too young for a puppy ,mine had a pup when he was nearly 6.
but agree the ops children havnt bonded enough with pup.so maybe it should find a new home.
could you not take some time off work to housetrain the puppy.if done consistently should only take a few days.
good luck.

rockinhippy · 14/04/2011 20:17

my 8 yr old DD is fine with the responsibility of both her Rabbit & Kitten, so I really don't see why others are thinking 9 is too young to have any responsibility for a pet Confused,

& though I might of said 6 is a bit too young, your 6 yr old isn't doing it alone & my own DD has had her Rabbit since she was 5 & has always been very good at keeping a check on his food water etc, even at that young age - So I don't see why some are giving you are hard time over your DCs ages, I can only presume because YOU thought they were responsible enough at that age, like my own DD they probably ARE thats not to say ALL DCs of that age are, but you know your own kids best - & since when was it a bad thing to try & teach them responsibility Confused

YANBU to give the pup away, maybe try giving your DCs a 2 week trial to prove they CAN take responsibility for their pet, but make sure they know you mean business & personally I wouldn't feel bad about it either, even if you do end up giving it away

just a shame for you all really, but hopefully your DCs will learn a valuable lesson from it

Fluffycloudland77 · 14/04/2011 20:26

I agree with looking for a no kill policy rescue centre. I don't think you lack responsibility op. Unless your family are pedigree breeders they ought to have neutered their dog. Plenty of puppies in the world.

I think re the kids not pulling there weight I think some are better than others, I was useless with my childhood pets but I do everything for the cat we have now.

Original poster
FairhairedandFrustrated · 14/04/2011 21:49

Dh has come home, he doesn't want the pup rehomed, he loves her.

He has said we will sit down with the kids tomorrow evening and spell it out to them.

Just to be clear, they never have to feed the pup, dh feeds both dogs, I wash both dogs, they are only ever asked to take her out for her toilet needs. Which they done tonight (on a lead for the first time and they weren't afraid of her running away).

She's a Jack Russel mix and so small she can get through any hole and tonight they told me they were afraid to take her out incase she got lost.

We took the lab to puppy training classes when she was 12 weeks old, so am going to call the place tomorrow and see if they still offer the classes.

SO we'll take it one step at a time and hopefully with a bit more patience (from all of us) she'll be as civilised as the lab.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 14/04/2011 21:55

Rockinhippy- how many rabbit or kitten attacks are there per year? Dogs are completly different animals. Posters are not saying that the children cannot be asked to help out but no child can be fully responsible for a dog. It takes maturity and commitment to turn a puppy into a sociable happy dog. The OP has said that she does not have time for the puppy, it takes alot more than just feeding and cleaning to care for a dog.