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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how little/much money is 'insulting'

73 replies

Herthatwas · 14/04/2011 17:32

I have an 18 year old niece who lives miles from us- we hardly ever see her or my brother (her father) but I write to her a few times a year, never miss a birthday or Christmas and we meet when we can, at large family things.
She paid a rare visit to my mother- her grandmother obv. last week as is on a Uni Easter break. When I know she would be at my Mother's (I visited there last w/end) I left a card and shoved £5 in 'for a drink or some choccy'. Not her bday or anything....
DH and I have been lucky enough to be quite well off in other years and have never stinted on DN's or DNP's before- this year is tough however and we have had to be very careful. Everyone knows this and has been great about having handmade gifts or 'tasks' instead (i.e babysitting or me cooking for them for an at home dinner party) I didn't know she was going to be there so I had taken no money with me and my parents live miles from any cash points etx about 70 miles from us-I didn't have a chequebook with me either but who does, these days. So- left envelope with Mother .
Niece visited at w/end. M rang me and said that she (M) was very upset that I had left such a small amount. She said it was 'insulting'.
I am mortified but have not heard from DN- not even a thank you. M's feeling was that she wouldn't have to say thank you for such a small amount.
AIBU to feel hurt? I would always be happy with an extra fiver no matter my age and I am a whole lot more than 18!

OP posts:

dexifehatz · 14/04/2011 17:34

Bloody Hell! I'D love a fiver at the moment.Don't bother anymore.

Original poster

Herthatwas · 14/04/2011 17:35

You sound a whole lot nicer dexifehatz- wish I had a spare one to give you!

OP posts:

WinterOfOurDiscountTents · 14/04/2011 17:35

She's a wagon and should be apologising. Fucks sake, you say thanks if you get a 20p taped to a card (which is what a charmingly batty relative used to send us)!

FlamingJamie · 14/04/2011 17:36

A smack round the chops is "insulting". As is being ungrateful.....

everlong · 14/04/2011 17:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bamboostalks · 14/04/2011 17:37

I'd phone your brother or sister and let them know you are upset and to inform them that they've raised an ungrateful, rude child! You sure your mum has the whole story though?

Deafworm · 14/04/2011 17:37

it wasnt her birthday? you were just being nice? what on earth is insulting about giving someone a present just because.

even on her birthday its perfectly acceptable.im quite a bit older than 18 too and on my birthday mil puts £10 in an envelope, never crossed my mind to complain.of course she should give you a ring to say thank you.

TheMonster · 14/04/2011 17:37

I think it was a lovely thing for you to do and a fiver is enough for a drink. She is very ungrateful.

cjel · 14/04/2011 17:38

YANBU, but I think you might have to take no notice of your mother!!DN hasn't said she feels that and probably being an 18 yr old doesnt think about thank yous. I'm sure she was thrilled to be remembered. It was a lovely thing to do. don't stop being lovely!!!!

Original poster

Herthatwas · 14/04/2011 17:38

Thing is- my DN is a lovely and unspoilt girl- I can only imagine my M and my DB are stirring it. I would be so sad if she had come to see us as just a source of ££- I have been very careful over the years to spend time with her when its been geog poss and write proper through the post letters as she loved to get them. I am not sure whether to leave it or just say 'Hi DN- what did you do with the £5?'
Don't know why I am so hurt - maybe its because I am embarassed I couldn't give more and don't like how we are placed at the mo. Isn't that called transference or something?

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 14/04/2011 17:38

Your M should have kept her opinions to herself, esp if she's aware money's a bit tight at the mo (and I assume she is, as it sounds like you've made no secret of it). She should be ashamed of herself, trying to guilt-trip you like that!

FAB5 · 14/04/2011 17:38

I was sent 70p once and was happy with that.

It should have been fine even if it was a birthday so to be given a fiver for nothing she should have been grateful. Give her a fiver less for her next birthday.

FlamingJamie · 14/04/2011 17:38

projection

Insomnia11 · 14/04/2011 17:39

Silly cow. Wouldn't be getting any more gifts from me.

Original poster

Herthatwas · 14/04/2011 17:40

Projection. Ah yes, that's the word. I am still humph about it but thanks.

OP posts:

FlamingJamie · 14/04/2011 17:40

It does sound as if your mum is the one who is stirring it.

Insomnia11 · 14/04/2011 17:41

Oh sorry it was your Mum. What an awful thing to say. Your niece should at least have texted to say thanks.

FlamingJamie · 14/04/2011 17:41

Not saying it is projection. I think it's a weird and unnecessary thing for your mum to say, frankly

nomoreheels · 14/04/2011 17:42

TBH I don't know why you felt the need to leave money when it wasn't any sort of special occasion. (Different if you knew she was in a pinch, but you didn't say that.)

YANBU and your mother has a skewed view on money. Plus your niece is rude not to at least text a thank you. Whether you say thank you does not depend on the amount! Don't bother in future.

peeriebear · 14/04/2011 17:47

My great granny always gave me a pound at Christmas every year until she died when I was 22. Even through my callow late-teenage solipsism I was touched by her gesture and often kept them instead of spending.
It sounds like your mother is the problem here, your niece is probably embarrassed. If she opened it in front of your mum and she (mum) went off on one saying it was an insulting amount, DN probably didn't know where to put herself.

perfumedlife · 14/04/2011 18:00

And how much did dear grandma give her?

mysticpizza · 14/04/2011 18:00

Incredibly rude of you niece and your mother.

YANBU.

Original poster

Herthatwas · 14/04/2011 18:04

no, she wasn't in a pinch- that I know of anyway. I just wanted to give her something inside a card for a small treat-o as a surprise, It might have been less contentious if I'd left a large bar of Galaxy perhaps (and cheaper!) I just thought it was a fun thing to do. I don't know if DN is BEING rude- all this is through my DM.

OP posts:

jellybeansontoast · 14/04/2011 18:08

I am a student, and if someone had given me a random present of a bit of money, I'd be thrilled. It's so nice to have a guilt-free fiver to go and splurge on some really nice food or a few drinks. Your DN is completely outrageous, as is your mother for stirring. I would be touched if a relative gave me a mars bar, for pity's sake, it's the thought that counts.

Don't bother anymore. You sound absolutely lovely, and she doesn't deserve your kindness. Gah.

Cymar · 14/04/2011 18:14

If you have her address, why don't you write to your DN and enquire if she had decided what to spend it on. That way you'll know more whether this is actually from your DN or coming from your DM.

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