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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how little/much money is 'insulting'

73 replies

Herthatwas · 14/04/2011 17:32

I have an 18 year old niece who lives miles from us- we hardly ever see her or my brother (her father) but I write to her a few times a year, never miss a birthday or Christmas and we meet when we can, at large family things.
She paid a rare visit to my mother- her grandmother obv. last week as is on a Uni Easter break. When I know she would be at my Mother's (I visited there last w/end) I left a card and shoved £5 in 'for a drink or some choccy'. Not her bday or anything....
DH and I have been lucky enough to be quite well off in other years and have never stinted on DN's or DNP's before- this year is tough however and we have had to be very careful. Everyone knows this and has been great about having handmade gifts or 'tasks' instead (i.e babysitting or me cooking for them for an at home dinner party) I didn't know she was going to be there so I had taken no money with me and my parents live miles from any cash points etx about 70 miles from us-I didn't have a chequebook with me either but who does, these days. So- left envelope with Mother .
Niece visited at w/end. M rang me and said that she (M) was very upset that I had left such a small amount. She said it was 'insulting'.
I am mortified but have not heard from DN- not even a thank you. M's feeling was that she wouldn't have to say thank you for such a small amount.
AIBU to feel hurt? I would always be happy with an extra fiver no matter my age and I am a whole lot more than 18!

OP posts:

Huffythetantrumslayer · 14/04/2011 18:14

She sounds like. A spoilt brat. Even if your dm shy stirred there was nothing to stop her calling up later to say thank you. I don't know anyone who gives presents 'just because' she should count herself bloody lucky!!
Stop doing it, you save money and if she can't be arsed to say thanks then she obviously don't want it! Don't feel embarrassed at all!

JazzAnnNonMouse · 14/04/2011 19:01

Can I have you for an aunt instead? You sound lovely

potoftea · 14/04/2011 19:23

I find it hard to believe any uni student would find a fiver insulting. My dc would dive on small change if offered. Anything that pays towards their social life is welcome.

I get the feeling you don't quite believe your neice behaved this way, and that you don't trust your mother's reporting of it.
So for the sake of your so far, good, relationship with dn, I think you should speak frankly to her and ask if it's true she was insulted by the money. If she is you can have an honest discussion about her expectations of others, and if not you won't have ruined your relationship listening to others.

ashamedandconfused · 14/04/2011 19:31

she should be grateful for any gift, £5 is not nothing - you can get a decent box of chocs or treat yourself to a coffee and a cake! and if she is not grateful i would not bother again. i have stopped sending stuff when my cousin has a baby - we never see them, they have 4 kids now, we sent wedding gift, new baby gift, next new baby gift, never had so much as a thank you. So now i do not bother.

is it possible that your mum is the one judging, because SHE gave more money - even so, granny is a closer relative than auntie and in any case you gave what you can afford.

i drum it into mine that the £5 from relative X is just as special as the £30 from relative Y at christmas, they know the bible story of the widow giving her last 2 small coins and the rich man giving a measly amount from his vast riches!

cjel · 14/04/2011 20:24

I stilll think dn is getting a bad press, we don't know what she thought and my bet is she would have been touched. I think mum is just wrong, you feel awkward because you would have liked to have given more and dn hasn't realised its good to say thank you not malicious just normal for her age!!

TheBolter · 14/04/2011 20:29

Jeez, am astonished by this!

I wouldn't be able to let this one lie - I'd be back on the phone giving all involved an ear bashing!!

You sound too apologetic of your own (former) good fortune. With family members like this you have no need to be!

RoseC · 14/04/2011 20:37

YANBU

My second aunt accused my mother of stealing photos from my dead grandma's house and they didn't talk for ten years. She still sent me £5 (went up to £15 after they made up ) every birthday and Christmas and I still thanked her for it. Any gift is to be welcomed and appropriately thanked. I can't stand people who don't show appreciation. If your mother was so concerned over your niece's welfare/feelings then she should have topped the money up herself. £5 is a lot of money for a student - it's a quarter of my weekly food bill for a start!

Being generous to your DM, she may be judging your gift by what she gives herself?

DurhamDurham · 14/04/2011 20:41

My two teen girls are overjoyed to get any money. When family members give them a few pounds for a mag, chocolate or a drink they always get a thank you (and huge smile/hug) in return.

No amount is insulting, it's all seen as an added bonus!

I think your mum may have made things worse though.

ChairOfTheBored · 14/04/2011 20:44

YANBU, that is incredibly rude.

As others have said, any gift should be gratefully accepted - the thought and gesture alone should be enough.

Am harumphing on your behalf.

clippityclop · 14/04/2011 20:45

That'd be the last from me, especially if you don't get a note/phone call in the next few days. You really do sound smashing and don't deserve to be treated this way.

PunkPixie · 14/04/2011 20:53

She's not so insulted she'd send it back is she?! Ungrateful cow,

smokinaces · 14/04/2011 20:58

I'm 28 and would appreciate a pound coin in a card as a surprise, let alone a fiver!!

I do think maybe its more your mother than your neice though. anyway of speaking to your neice?

earlyriser · 14/04/2011 20:58

Is it possible that your mother opened the envelope, saw the fiver, and thought is so insulting that she declined to pass it on to your niece, assuming you wouldn't actually follow it up? Just pondering...

whatsallthehullaballoo · 14/04/2011 21:10

YANBU - a fiver is a fiver - enough for a drink or chocolate. You have done nothing wrong at all! Such a shame that you probably will not do it again 0 and rightly so.

I remember getting £1 taped to a birthday card when I was a kid haha!

PlopPlopPing · 14/04/2011 21:28

Maybe call the Neice and make sure she got it (casually)

StealthyKissBeartrayal · 14/04/2011 21:30

You gave her £5 for no particular reason and she was insulted?
Not her birthday or anything?? (not that that would make it right)

StealthyKissBeartrayal · 14/04/2011 21:31

My cousins' grandma (not mine) used to give me 50p every time she saw me - I was about 18 or 19.I still appreciated it!

floweryblue · 14/04/2011 21:45

My nan spoke to me to today to ask how much money she should put in my step-sons' Easter eggs that she has got them. I told her that an egg was more than generous.

proudfoot · 14/04/2011 22:17

It was nice of you to give it to her and a fiver isn't insulting.

She sounds like a spoilt and ungrateful little madam!

oldraver · 14/04/2011 23:38

OP can you confirm it was YOUR Mum not you niece who said the £5 was 'insulting' as I think everyone is assuming it was your niece

Yummygummybear · 15/04/2011 08:55

Maybe send DN a letter & say something like 'hope you got the fiver ok and bought yourself a small treat' :)

I wouldn't ask what she spent it on though as the likelihood is she added it to her purse & didn't go on anything particular.

Original poster

Herthatwas · 15/04/2011 17:06

well- here is the outcome. DN rang today and thanked me for 'the ten pound'' Rather baffled I said 'thank you, that's lovely darling- but I thought I put in five!'
She said 'oh yes you did- but Nana saw it and thought you must have meant to put ten in so she gave me £5 and says you can owe it to her'!!!
We had a little chat about how I had NOT said that- how I am quite broke these days and the sweet girl said 'I will send you the £10, Aunty Dibs, you need it more'! I refused of course and told her to spend it on booze and inappropriate clothes that would give 'Nana' heart failure!
Then we both had a laugh about how odd people can be.
I love my DN with all my heart but I am jolly cross with my not so DM!

OP posts:

Original poster

Herthatwas · 15/04/2011 17:07

SORSorry for confusion- yes indeed it was my DM who said leaving £5 was 'insulting' not my DN. DN blameless.

OP posts:

BringBackGoingForGold · 15/04/2011 17:14

What a lovely-sounding DN. And at your DM for stirring. How fecking outrageous. I'd love a fiver in a card (or a pound coin, or a 20p ...) and I'm in my late mid 30s!

perfumedlife · 15/04/2011 17:17

Well, why on earth did your dm not forewarn you that she had put an extra £5 in?

Or even say, here's £5 from me too dn, that means you have £10 to treat yourself.

Oh that's right, dm is being generous with your money, not hers.

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