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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

how little/much money is 'insulting'

73 replies

Herthatwas · 14/04/2011 17:32

I have an 18 year old niece who lives miles from us- we hardly ever see her or my brother (her father) but I write to her a few times a year, never miss a birthday or Christmas and we meet when we can, at large family things.
She paid a rare visit to my mother- her grandmother obv. last week as is on a Uni Easter break. When I know she would be at my Mother's (I visited there last w/end) I left a card and shoved £5 in 'for a drink or some choccy'. Not her bday or anything....
DH and I have been lucky enough to be quite well off in other years and have never stinted on DN's or DNP's before- this year is tough however and we have had to be very careful. Everyone knows this and has been great about having handmade gifts or 'tasks' instead (i.e babysitting or me cooking for them for an at home dinner party) I didn't know she was going to be there so I had taken no money with me and my parents live miles from any cash points etx about 70 miles from us-I didn't have a chequebook with me either but who does, these days. So- left envelope with Mother .
Niece visited at w/end. M rang me and said that she (M) was very upset that I had left such a small amount. She said it was 'insulting'.
I am mortified but have not heard from DN- not even a thank you. M's feeling was that she wouldn't have to say thank you for such a small amount.
AIBU to feel hurt? I would always be happy with an extra fiver no matter my age and I am a whole lot more than 18!

OP posts:

beesimo · 15/04/2011 17:24

This tale shows just how 'dangerous' interfering people can be within a family unit. OP made a lovely gesture towards her niece and DM caused all this upset the trouble is some people can't help project what they think on to others!

diddl · 15/04/2011 17:29

Your niece sounds lovely.

So you gave her a fiver-just to "because"-not b/day or Christmas, just to treat herself?

I think that that was a lovely gesture tbh.

Hope youre not going to pay your mum back!

Why couldn´t she just have said that "here´s a fiver from me as well"?

FAB5 · 15/04/2011 18:23

I would not pay your mother back .

WhereYouLeftIt · 15/04/2011 18:58

Your niece sounds absolutely lovely, but your mother is an old bat. Does she have any history of this sort of behaviour?

harpsichordcarrier · 15/04/2011 19:01

W
T
F?????
WHO said it was insulting?? Mother or niece?
In either case it is INCREDIBLY rude and shows appalling manners.
I am actually QUITE :-0 that anyone could be so rude!

bemybebe · 15/04/2011 19:02

Silly cow. God help her parents.

diabolo · 15/04/2011 19:05

That is seriously rude. What a nasty little cow.

Please don't bother in future.

diddl · 15/04/2011 19:10

THE MOTHER SAID IT WAS INSULTING.

THE NIECE PHONED & SAID THANK YOU.

beesimo · 15/04/2011 19:14

See what I mean by people getting the wrong end of the stick OP when in doubt always go to person involved before you jump to conclusions. The horse mouth not a horses arse iyswim

beesimo · 15/04/2011 19:14

horses

diabolo · 15/04/2011 19:16

have read it properly now thankyou diddl

LittleMissFluffBrain · 15/04/2011 19:21

Blimey, tell her not to worry as you won't be getting her anything in the future. What an ungrateful little cow.

LittleMissFluffBrain · 15/04/2011 19:26

well- here is the outcome. DN rang today and thanked me for 'the ten pound'' Rather baffled I said 'thank you, that's lovely darling- but I thought I put in five!'
She said 'oh yes you did- but Nana saw it and thought you must have meant to put ten in so she gave me £5 and says you can owe it to her'!!!
We had a little chat about how I had NOT said that- how I am quite broke these days and the sweet girl said 'I will send you the £10, Aunty Dibs, you need it more'! I refused of course and told her to spend it on booze and inappropriate clothes that would give 'Nana' heart failure!
Then we both had a laugh about how odd people can be.
I love my DN with all my heart but I am jolly cross with my not so DM!

Sorry, just read this and take back my previous comment, she sounds like a lovely girl Your M on the other hand, if it was me I'd be well annoyed at her! Owe her back indeed. She wanted to put more money in, she can fecking pay for it! I certainly wouldn't be giving her it back when you didn't agree to that much in the first place!

MaryThornbar · 15/04/2011 19:26

READ the thread - it was not the OPs niece but OPs mother at fault.

beesimo · 15/04/2011 19:26

This is how innocent people end up in jail!!!!

MaryThornbar · 15/04/2011 19:27

X Post!

cat64 · 15/04/2011 19:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Herthatwas · 15/04/2011 19:35

Dear Lord- please read properly! My NIECE is blameless and certainly not a nasty little cow!! I think my mother is having a hard time understanding that DH and I are not very wealthy these days! All sorts of reasons and we are perfectly okay with a roof, food and clothes- don't need the frills- but in the rich(er) days we always used to pay for everything- not to show off but just because we were lucky to be able to have the resources to do so. Nowadays we have to say 'no' or lets split a bill. I hate doing it but I recognise there is more to relationships than being a wallet. And anyway- before we had money we never had any if that makes sense so its a good job WE didn't get used to it.
But please- no more vilification of DN.

OP posts:

ohdearieoh · 15/04/2011 20:03

A fiver? Just cos? oh that's lovely. I could buy shed loads with that as a student (yay for tinned meals :) )Or at the uni bar that's at least a couple of drinks.

Can I visit your mom? :)

Kaekae · 15/04/2011 20:49

My mother is the same, my grandmother always send me a little something for Christmas and my birthday, be it a fiver or a tenner. She has at least 30 grandchildren and most of us have children. I am in my 30's. She'll also send my children something small at Christmas. My mother thinks it's insulting that we get a fiver, however, I think it's rather sweet. I never see her, and so I like the fact she's still thinking of me. She's in her 80's and all these fivers to all of her grandchildren must surely add up and she really probably doesn't have the money to give. Anyway, if I were you I would be having words with my mother! I think what you did was very kind.

mumeeee · 15/04/2011 21:14

OP I think your niece is being very rude. I have 3 DD's aged 18.21 and 24 and they would all be happy to be given £5 to buy themselves a small treat.It wasn't her birthday so you didn#t have to leave anything for her.

diddl · 15/04/2011 21:15

Oh FFS-it wasn´t the niece who complained about it being a fiver!!!

mumeeee · 15/04/2011 21:22

Sorry Herthatwas. I mised the post where you said it as your DM and not your DN who complained about the £5. I take back my last post and see that your DN is a very nice and thoughtful girl,

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